Let Go
Chapter 8
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Home and Curveballs
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Jasper took me back to his house to get the car and then we drove. We drove the familiar roads of our home town and then the memorable road leading to the small town of oddly placed houses near the sea side. Jasper parked in that identical parking space and opened his door. Only, this time the wind did not whip at his clothes and parade his hair frantically over his eyes. The weather was calm; overcast, but calm.
Jasper headed around to my door and opened it, helping me out. A refreshing, intense surge of sea air blew into my face, twirling my hair. I breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, feeling Jasper's hand on my waist as he closed my door. I needed that fresh air; that relief from my previous puffy, post-tears state.
I kept my eyes closed until I felt Jasper's lips at my ear. His voice was a murmur and his breath tickled my skin.
"Let's go," He whispered, taking hold of my hand and leading me down the rickety staircase once again. The waves that day were very small and only breaking as tiny ripples, as if someone had jumped into a pool.
Jasper escorted me down towards that same end of the beach. We walked hand-in-hand, and I couldn't help but smile.
We carried on walking until we reached that little bay that Jasper had taken me to on Saturday. I thought we were staying there, but apparently Jasper had other plans. We kept walking until we reached the end of the small bay. In front of us was a large, towering rock with jagged handles and steps that I supposed we were meant to use to climb up. I gawked at the monstrosity we were supposed to climb. Jasper laughed slightly. I looked to the end of it. It reached into the sea, not changing in height. I knew there was no way around it or under it. We had to go up.
I turned to Jasper with a look of horror on my face. I had already fallen down five times on the way there, but had survived. I didn't want to test that luck.
"I am not going up there," I stated, matter-of-factly, folding my arms and turning to Jasper to plead for my life.
"Don't worry, I will help you," He reassured me.
"N-n-no" I stuttered, shaking my head and turning away.
"Oh, come one, Bella. Take a risk. I will help you and you will love what's on the other side," He promised.
I shook my head again, adamant on keeping my feet firmly on the ground.
"What do I look like; Spiderman? I am not going up there. Two left feet plus heights don't work well together, Jasper."
"Where's your sense of adventure? And listen, if you fall, I'll jump off after you. We will plummet to our deaths, but we will do it together."
I laughed at that – his positive attitude to such a depressing topic. Jasper was smiling at me, but I knew he had something planned. I shook my head and folded my arms over my chest again.
"Are you crazy Jasper? This is suicide."
"Stop being such a tight ass. You only live once," He joked. "Make the most of it. Come out of your shell."
I thought I was going to win the argument; I had to win the argument. I could never climb that thing. I didn't have the guts. I didn't have the want. I wasn't an adventurer. I liked things I knew. Sadly, I suddenly felt as though I was soaring, and before I knew it I was up on the first ledge.
I let out a scream and Jasper rolled his eyes. I was frozen in place, unable to move, pressed hard against the rock.
"Get a move on, Bella," Jasper said from below me. "You are part way there."
I looked down to him and narrowed my eyes. "How did I get here?"
Jasper smiled then. "I lifted you. Now go!"
I rolled my eyes, but inside I said 'Fuck it'. I was already part way up, so I had to keep going. I got up off my ass and turned to the next ledge, muttering "Show off" as I placed my shoe in a foot hole and lifted myself up. Jasper laughed from behind me and got up on the first ledge.
Eventually we reached the top, and I had been determined on the way up to show Jasper I needed no help. He had only supported me once when he caught my foot when a foot hole crumbled from beneath it.
I pulled myself over the top and lay down on my back, panting. Jasper came up beside me a few seconds later and did the same, laughing.
"See? That wasn't so hard," He said, catching his breath.
"Yeah..." I agreed hesitantly, rolling over and looking down from the towering slab of rock. "But how are we going to get down?"
"The same way we got up."
It was then that my eyes widened in horror. The same way?
"Relax, Bella. It was worth it," He said, sitting up. "Look."
Jasper pointed towards the other side of the rock that we had just tackled. I rolled over then and sat up, bringing my knees to my chest.
When the sight before me finally registered I was struck dumb. Before me, about sixty feet ahead, the enormous rock started lazily slopping down towards the quietly crashing waves. Scattered over this rock were lumps of brown in all different shades. There were three of them; one very large one, one which was slightly smaller than the biggest one, and another which was tiny in comparison.
The sky blue water pattered over the rocks, ebbing and flowing with the waves. The smallest shape lay by the edge of the water. It was then that I saw its tail jump into the air and it flopped around to face the other two lumps.
Seals.
I was amazed when I finally realised what these inert objects were. When I did, all the details of them stood out to me: The texture of their fur, the movements of their bodies and the rising and sinking of their chests.
I gasped at their sight and felt Jasper's arm go around my shoulder. I nuzzled into his hold and lay against him as we watched the gorgeous animals in their natural environment.
After a few minutes Jasper spoke.
"The locals call the big one Alfred. He's the father. The middle one is Sally, who is the mother. The little one's their baby. Normally they only come here every spring to have their baby, but this year they came now. Nobody knows why and nobody can explain it. It's a miracle of nature. They came just over two weeks ago. Only locals know about them, so it has to be kept a secret."
My heart fluttered at this story. My goofy smile came back, and all my worries from earlier in the day were practically forgotten.
I watched as the baby lifted its head and snuggled into its mother. Its mother returned the gesture by licking the top of its head.
"Does the baby have a name?" I asked.
"Lily," He said, smiling. Lily.
I smiled and felt Jasper lean down and kiss the top of my head. My heart buzzed because of it.
"How do you know about them?"
Jasper was silent for a few minutes. I didn't rush him. We had all the time in the world.
"I'm kind of a local, I guess," he explained after a while. "My Mom grew up here. When I was young, every weekend after Football, her and I would come down here and stay in her old family home. This place was her escape. After she died she left me that house, but I haven't been back, but I still come to the beach every chance I get. My Mom showed me this place first. You're the first person I have ever brought here."
Jasper spoke in a quiet voice. My heart was fluttering after this story, but it was also aching for the pain I knew Jasper felt. Jasper continued to stroke my hair, running his hands through it.
I sat up after a few minutes and faced him, crossing my legs and taking his hands in mine. Jasper glanced over to me and smiled weakly. His eyes dug into mine and I finally realised what this place meant to him. I finally realised that he had let me into his heart long before I let him into mine.
No words were spoken as we looked into each other's eyes, but we were talking. Nothing could take me away from that moment, and I wouldn't let anything.
In the corner of my eye, slowly but surely, I watched as my small hand reached his cheek and cradled it. Then I found myself leaning slowly towards him. I didn't have control of what was happening, but it felt natural, and so I went with what my heart told me for the first time in my life.
Jasper's eyes flashed with surprise. Soon he was returning the movement. It was instinctual and magical and meant to be.
When our lips met I was finally where I was meant to be. This was my first kiss, and I knew it was Jasper's. The feeling of my spotlight seemed to shatter. The feeling that came then was even better. In that spot, with Jasper, was home.
I knew that if I had been standing I would have crumpled to the ground. I felt as though lightning had struck me. Energy was jumping between us like never before. Jasper's hands moved to the small of my back, pulling me closer to him. My hands tangled themselves into his hair. Jasper held me closer.
Eventually we pulled away from each other. I held Jasper's face in my hands. He smiled to me and then looked to my lips, pecking them once, twice, three times.
Then he stopped and sighed. "Jeez, Bella," he chuckled. "Where'd that come from?"
I laughed quietly and blushed. "Sorry."
He frowned. "You really need to stop saying that."
"What?"
"Sorry."
"Oh..."
"Because you didn't do anything wrong."
I attempted to smile at him but couldn't quite get it to look real. I had been very wrong that morning.
"I did."
"That kiss wasn't wrong. Fuck, it was nowhere near wrong."
I laughed then. He wrapped his arms around me and I leant into him.
"Good."
Then we were silent again. We just watched the seals.
They were so peaceful and serene. I ached to have a peaceful life like theirs. But I also knew I could have one, as long as I was with Jasper. When I was with him nothing else mattered.
We watched them for hours. The sun had moved to its opposite place in the sky when any more words were spoken. The time seemed to fly by. No worries of the real world could get to me when I was with Jasper, so I was never troubled to wait for time to trudge along. Neither of us even thought about school.
"Jasper," I said after many hours. "What is your mother's name?"
"Maria," he answered simply.
Neither of us spoke for a minute until I broke the silence once more. "I'm sorry that you lost her."
I felt Jasper pick a piece of my hair and twirl it around his finger absentmindedly. "Please, stop apologising."
"Right. Okay."
"It was a long time ago. No need to worry."
I would have tried to talk to him about it, but his tone told me not to. He seemed too cold when he talked about her. All I could put it down to was that it was a sensitive subject, and we had had enough of those for one day. I didn't want to test the water anymore.
We stayed silent for about ten minutes until the shrill, un-natural sound of Jasper's phone rang from his pocket. Jasper groaned and shuffled around a bit to reach into his pocket. He held it in front of us to look at the caller ID and then flipped it open, silencing its terrible shrilling sound.
Immediately a frightened, panicking voice erupted from the phone. I recognised it instantly; Alice. Jasper stiffened and shuffled himself away from me when Alice's alarm registered with him. He stood up and started pacing the length of the rock. I stood up too, my heart pounding with worry about what was happening.
"Okay, calm down Alice. Have you called Emmett?" He asked calmly. More voice filled with terror came from the phone.
"Alright, just wait there. I will be there as soon as I can. Look after him till then. I will try and get hold of Emmett and Rosalie on the way. Just keep him there, okay?" Jasper's voice was strong but patient. Alice's voice was even more panicked then.
"Listen to me, Alice. It will be okay. Trust me, okay? I will be there soon."
With that he slammed the phone shut and turned to me.
"I'm so sorry, Bella, but I have to go. Alice needs m-" He was trying to explain but I cut in.
"Okay, don't explain. Let's go," I said. I knew something bad had to be happening, therefore we had to leave. No matter how much I wanted to stay, the world would always catch up with us sometime. There were no two ways around it.
We made it back to the car in record time. I made a specific effort not to trip and went as fast as I could. It took all my concentration and then some, but I managed. Alice's panicked voice kept me going.
When we got to the car Jasper sped off, going well above the speed limit the entire way. I couldn't even make out any shapes as we whizzed past them. Luckily, no police were about.
Jasper had managed to get hold of Emmett and Rosalie. They had been at Emmett's house, neither watching their phones. They left as soon as Jasper got them. He didn't have time to drop me home; he had to get to Alice and Edward as soon as possible. He had offered, but I told him to get to Edward's house and that that was all that was important.
The rest of the ride had been quiet. Jasper concentrated on driving, his focus burning into the road. Soon enough we were tearing up the Cullen driveway, dust rising up behind the car. I looked behind us and saw Emmett's truck following closely. Whatever was happening, it was bad.
Jasper parked right at the door and Emmett skidded up next to him a second later.
Jasper turned to me but I spoke before he could.
"I'll stay here," I said quickly. Jasper frowned, as if to say 'I'm sorry,' but then nodded, tossing me the keys and shooting into the house right behind Emmett and Rosalie.
The front door stayed ajar behind them. I just watched, completely shell-shocked. It had all happened so fast. One moment, Jasper and I were in total peace, and then we were rushing off as if life depended on it. Everything seemed so robotic – even my actions. I never really thought about what was happening until I was sitting docile in the car. I acted all on instinct.
At least half an hour passed till I saw any sign of life. To my surprise, Rosalie came out the front door, her head bowed and her hair in disarray. She walked straight towards the car and opened the driver's door, getting in, but not shutting it behind her. She looked at me, her eyes full of concern. She was frowning slightly, her eyes in a deep stare.
"Is everything... okay?" I asked hesitantly.
Rosalie nodded. "It's under control."
I nodded and stared out the front window. Of course I was curious about what was happening, but I wouldn't ask. It was way too personal and she seemed way too shaken up to explain.
"Bella," Rosalie called my attention, her eyes still holding that deep, empty stare. "Be careful."
I was confused by her words and looked to her, frowning. "What do you mean?"
Rosalie thought for a while, as if she didn't know how to word what she was trying to say.
"I mean be careful about the decision you make."
I was still confused. I had no idea what she meant.
"I don't understand, Rosalie," I admitted. Rosalie sighed.
"Jasper. I'm talking about Jasper, Bella," she said quickly.
"What about Jasper?" I asked, still not completely sure of what she was meaning.
"You guys are moving quickly, Bella."
Oh fuck, I know, and it's scaring the shit out of me.
I just nodded.
"But you don't know what he's like or what goes on. I just... I don't want you to get in too deep without knowing what exactly you are getting into."
I knew what I was getting into with Jasper. At least, I thought I did. He was a great guy. Sure, he had a dick of a Dad and a hard upbringing, but he made me happy. What else was there?
She noticed my continuous confusion and continued. "Do you know what happened here today?" she asked.
Now that question I could answer.
"No."
"That's exactly what I mean. You have no idea what you are getting into, yet you are already smack bang in the middle of it. I just... I don't want you to get hurt."
She was starting to worry me. I wanted answers.
"Please, make it clearer, Rosalie. I don't know what you are talking about."
She ran a hand through her hair and rested her elbow on the wheel, stressed. "It's not my place to tell," she said through clenched teeth. "Just... be careful. I don't want you to get hurt because you and Jasper rush into things completely unbeknownst and unprepared."
She sat up straight with a groan then before turning to me, her eyes hitting me with a power that stopped my heart. "Okay, I'm just going to be blunt here. I suck at sugar coating stuff, so here goes. There are things about Jasper you do not know. I know that's an obvious thing. I mean, you haven't known him for long. It's just... what I mean is that... there are things you should know before your relationship goes this far that you don't..."
Rosalie paused again, cursing under her breath. "Fuck, this is hard. How do I say this?"
I had had enough of the beating around the bush. "Rosalie, just say it."
She nodded. "Okay. This is going to sound bad. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my cousin to death. It's just that... Jasper can be difficult. He is a great guy, but can be destructive to anyone he meets, especially people who he is close to. I don't want you getting hurt, and you should be prepared. It may seem like you know him, but all of a sudden his mood changes spontaneously. You will be left in the dust thinking what the hell happened. I just want you to be careful. I care about my cousin. I love my cousin. I want him to be happy and have you. But... I also don't want you to be hurt. We all have our issues and I need you to seriously consider whether you want to get into this shit."
Rosalie looked down to her hands then. I finally understood. She didn't want any of their issues to affect me and my life. She didn't know what my life was truly like, or that Jasper had saved me. She was only doing what she thought was best; warning me from possible danger and harm. What had happened that night had been one example of it. Even though I didn't know what went on, Rosalie was trying to warn me that it was something bad, and to be careful and be sure I wanted to get involved with it. She was trying to warn me about how quickly Jasper and I were moving. She wanted me to be careful and make the right decisions.
I truly appreciated her care for me and that she had the guts to talk to me about it. I admired her for her courage. But I already knew my answer.
"I know that there are things I don't know, Rosalie. And I do appreciate your concern. It's just... I need Jasper. That sounds selfish. I know. It's just... everything else can be worked out. Everyone has their issues." I said the last sentence with a little emphasise, trying to tell her he wasn't the only one with secrets.
Rosalie nodded, her eyes darting to the front door. "Okay."
I knew she understood.
We were silent then. My eyes moved to where hers kept darting. I saw Jasper come through the front door.
Rosalie got out of the car then. "I will talk to you later, Bella," she said, before heading towards Jasper. They met on the porch and exchanged a few words before Rosalie nodded and headed inside while Jasper walked towards the car.
He got in and started the engine, not speaking until we got to the end of the Cullen's driveway. My thoughts were solely focused on what the hell I was getting myself into. I knew Jasper and I were moving fast, and Rosalie's words to me started to get me worried. I knew I needed Jasper but then the question was suddenly put to me: What is right and safe?
"We will go pick up Renesme and then I will take you home," he said as we hit the road. I nodded silently and in my mind told myself off for forgetting about her. It was getting late.
Nobody spoke for another few minutes. Jasper seemed like he needed to think. When he did speak his voice was soft.
"I'm sorry about this," he apologised.
"It's okay," I reassured him.
"No, it's not. I shouldn't have dragged you into this and I'm sorry." His tone then was strong and forceful. Immediately my rule of not prying went out the window again.
"What happened?" I asked. Immediately I regretted it.
He looked at me, his eyes strained and debating. "It's... it's not my place to tell," he admitted.
I nodded. "I understand."
It took him a few minutes to speak again. I knew he was lost in his thoughts. There were battles and wars going on in his mind that he needed to settle before speaking again.
"Edward is an addict," he said blatantly. My eyes flashed to his, alarmed at his quick admittance. "You need to know. It's not fair to leave you in the dark, and they all agree."
Jasper took a deep breath then. It was hard for him to face the demons of one of his best friends. "Edward was adopted by Carlisle and Esme. His biological Mother didn't want him. He found out when he was twelve. Ever since then it has driven him crazy. That thought of being unwanted by his real Mother is too much for him to bear sometimes. He hasn't been straight since they broke the news. He does drugs. He drinks. Sometimes he's furious, sometimes suicidal or sometimes he's downright insane. Today he couldn't take it anymore. Alice found him this afternoon. He missed school. He destroyed his room. Alice couldn't calm him down. He didn't hurt her, but she was distrait from what she saw, so she called us. She couldn't stop him hurting himself."
I was shocked. No, shocked is an understatement. I then understood what Rosalie truly meant.
I kept staring out the window, unsure of what to say. Jasper turned to me, his eyes filled with worry.
"I'm so sorry about all this, Bella. I didn't want you to see this."
"Don't be sorry," I said after a few seconds of getting my head together. "I understand."
"But it's not fair on you to have to deal with this."
His eyes were burning with deep-seated pain. I didn't want to see him hurting.
"Everyone has their issues. I understand. Don't worry about me."
"You deserve better than this."
"No. Don't say that," I said strongly. I wouldn't let him beat himself up about it. "It's not your fault. Please, understand that. Thank you for telling me."
I watched as Jasper's hands squeezed the steering wheel tighter and tighter, his knuckles turning white as they stretched against the skin. His breathing became heavy. His back and arms stressed. His eyes narrowed towards the road. Yet, he didn't say another word.
Neither of us spoke for the rest of the drive. When we picked up Renesme she was pretty tired. We drove in silence until Jasper dropped me off.
"So, I will see you tomorrow, I guess," I said uncertainly.
Jasper nodded, his eyes still holding that absent look he had had since our conversation in the car ended. "Yeah," he replied blankly.
"I had a really great time today, Jasper, even with everything that happened."
Jasper just nodded again, "Yeah, me too."
I tried to smile at him. He didn't seem to notice. His eyes were still blank – not showing me any hint of emotion. He seemed numb, and so I stepped out of the car with Renesmee bundled in my arms, hoping that the next day he would be a happier one.
I watched as he sped away, back to Edward's house. My head spun with everything that happened that day; our shared demons, our kiss and then the curveball of that afternoon and everything it raised. Was I supposed to run from Jasper because there were some dark skeletons in his closet that could hurt me? Or was I supposed to stay with him because he's what I needed, trusting that we would be honest enough with each other to sort out everything fighting against us? I didn't know what the right answer was. I supposed it was too early in our relationship to tell. But then I thought over Jasper's story – the one about taking risks to get what you want. I was never a risk taking kind of person, but Jasper and my situation wasn't the usual. I didn't know what was right – to risk being hurt or avoid the flames.
All I knew was that I needed Jasper. He made me happier than I had ever been. I would risk it, at least for a while. I just told myself it was still too early in our relationship to tell.
I didn't sleep much that night.
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Author's Note: Hello again all you lovely readers. So, what did you guys think of this chapter? There was the first kiss, then Rosalie's warning and then Edward's story. What do you guys think of it all? Most of all; what do you think about what Rosalie said and Bella's thoughts afterwards? I would really like to hear your opinions in a review. Thanks again.
