CHAPTER

9–

Journey too Helms Deep

The entourage heading towards Helm's Deep had stopped for a break. Legolas rolled his eyes. Gimli had been talking none stop for the last three hours about the glory of the dwarfish empire to Eowyn, who he thought was listening to him, but was obvious to anyone else that she was making eyes at Aragorn. He had been telling stories of wealth and the story of how his cousin Balin had killed the mighty Smaug and miraculously fought off both the goblins and the elves…

"Alright Gimli, that's it." said Legolas, "I have had enough of your fairytales."

"Now Legolas," said Moni, "he was talking about the elves, not fairies; although I can see how you could mix up the two, they do look like each…"

"Oh shut up." Legolas dismissed her with a wave of his hand, "Gimli. I don't know who taught you history but they obviously weren't there."

"Oh, and you were?" said Gimli.

"Yes as a matter of fact I was." said Legolas, "And Smaug was killed by a man from the old lake town down the river from the castle of the king of wood elves. And we elves were actually winning before the goblins showed up." Legolas looked spiteful.

"I don't believe you." said Gimli flatly.

"Believe this." Legolas was about to send the dwarf flying with a knockout punch when Aragorn walked by.

"Gimli, Legolas, stop your squabbling, and get some food! We are going to need it." Aragorn stated, walking over to a rock and sitting down on it, closing his eyes for a quiet moment. He did not see Eowyn approaching him with a pot of stew in her hand. She held it out to Gimli, who took one look at it, and quickly made up an excuse that he was on a diet, so she turned on Aragorn.

"I made some stew." she said, and Aragorn pretended he was asleep.

"Aragorn!" she screamed, kicking his shin, "I said I MADE SOME STEW!"

"Alright, alright! I'm awake!" Aragorn yelled, opening his eyes.

She held out a bowl to him. "It's not much, but it's hot."

"I'm sure it's beautiful!" Aragorn made no attempt to hide the sarcasm in his voice, as he angrily snatched the bowl, and took in at a glance the chunks of raw fish floating around.

"Try it!" prodded Eowyn.

"I am, can't you just give me a moment to prepare myself?" Aragorn snapped, plugging his nose, and gingerly tilting a chunk of raw flesh into his mouth.

"Well?" she demanded.

" It's…beautiful, like I said!" Aragorn turned green.

"Excellent, have the pot!" Eowyn stuck it down beside him.

"Are there not others yet to eat?" he asked desperately.

"They are all full or dieting! Have it all!" she smiled, and turned to leave.

" 'Have it all, Aragorn'," Aragorn said in whiny tone. He was about to pour the bowl onto the grass when she turned around again.

"My uncle said you rode with Thengel, my grandfather, in battle…is this so?" she queried.

"You're uncle has an excellent memory. He was only a boy at the time." said Aragorn.

"But then…you must be at least 60!" said Eowyn.

"Older then that." Aragorn smiled.

"70…you cannot be 80!" she demanded.

"I am…96!"Aragorn puckered his face into the most disgusting wrinkle imaginable. It was working nicely, he thought.

"You are one of the Dunedain, a direct descendant of Numenor, blessed with unnatural long life!" she said in shock, "Word has been spread that your race had vanished into legend!"

"There are few of us left." Aragorn waved his hand impatiently.

"Amazing!" Eowyn said, "Please, eat!" She motioned towards the stew.

"Um…were you calling me, Legolas?" Aragorn yelled to Legolas desperately.

"No. Go on and eat, Aragorn. You are going to need your strength!" Legolas smiled broadly.

Aragorn scowled.

"What's with him?" asked Moni.

"My half sister's cooking skills, or lack of them." Legolas smiled, but was cut off by some screams coming from the scouts.

He ran over to see what was happening. He saw a large Warg attacking and eating one of the two men sent ahead. He jumped down from the rock and aimed an arrow at the beast. It died with a shriek, throwing its rider to the ground. Legolas pulled out one of his swords and ran towards the rider. There was a squeal as he sliced its head from its body.

Aragorn came running up.

"A scout!" Legolas kicked the body angrily.

Aragorn nodded and ran down the hill, flailing his arm. "Wargs!" he was yelling.

"Eowyn, take the woman and children ahead." instructed Theoden.

"I can fight." protested Eowyn.

"No! You must do this…for me." said Theoden.

Eowyn grudgingly did so.

All the fighters gathered together and drew their weapons.

Oli and Moni balanced themselves onto their horse and drew their elvish swords.

"Shouldn't you be with the women and children?" said Legolas smugly.

"Well we were going to go, but your momma took up all the space!" Moni said.

"Yeah; you see, we're not woman or kids, we come into this unnamed group called 'teens'." said Oli.

"No time for arguing, Legolas. Look!" Aragorn pointed to an oncoming horde of black shapes.

Eowyn was herding all the women and children together. She looked sourly at Moni, to whom she had taken a particular disliking once she found out she was newly on the beauty list and had a permanent tag-along card to Aragorn. Little did she know that Moni would have gladly switched with her as then she would be Eomer's sister and he wouldn't perv on her.

She grabbed the reins of Moni and Oli's horse and began yanking them towards the crowd of women and children.

"Um, excuse me, what are you doing?" Moni demanded.

"You do not have the king's consent to fight in battle!" she yelled, dragging the horse violently.

"Yeah but we have Gandalf's and that's good enough, so move it over." Moni yanked the reins away from Eowyn, and swiftly galloped towards the hill where Legolas had already taken down two of whatever they were fighting, then he grabbed Gimli's reins and hauled himself up onto the horse as they charged.

They met the Wargs head-on and the bloody battle began.

Moni and Oli were having no problem fighting off the beasts with their swords, which were small, compact and easy to use. Eowyn looked jealously behind her as she watched Moni slice through a Warg that was about to attack Aragorn.

"She's is nothing but a show-off, you are the one with royal blood, a true descendant of Theoden, and Galadriel." Eowyn comforted herself, as a frightened mother clinged to her desperately. "Shove off," she pushed her away.

Eowyn did not see the look of utter fury Aragorn gave Moni. "I will not have you interfering in my fights again! If it was not for Gandalf's consent you would be with Eowyn." he said the last word with a snort of disdain.

"Why so sour?" asked Moni, as she kicked a large Warg in the face.

"Because that woman is stalking me! Night and day I have no peace from her advances!" Aragorn complained.

"You think that you have it rough? I have her older brother Eomer perving on me all the time! Not to mention all the guards and Theoden even gave me a dress!" Moni said in distress.

"Theoden gave you a dress?" asked Legolas between snickers.

"Yes, a really nice one. He said it belonged to Galadriel at one point but then said something about how all the fair women of Middle Earth should have one…whatever that means." Moni seemed to want to end the conversation. But Legolas didn't.

"So about this dress…when are you going to wear it for us?" he shouted over the throng of battle, as he steered his and Gimli's horse through the fray, slicing down creatures left and right.

Moni opened her mouth to scream 'never', when Aragorn rode through.

"Legolas, Monica, this is no time for idle prattle!" he yelled.

Monica settled for mouthing 'never' to Legolas, who in turn gave her a weird look: he scrunched up the top corners of his mouth, scrunched up his nose, raised his eyebrows, widened his eyes, and shook his head.

Moni rolled her eyes and kicked a rider off his Warg, only to get a cut in her leg from his ultra sharp teeth.

"Damn it that was my best karate suit!" she yelled angrily, slicing the head off the rider.

Several knights were already among the growing number of dead and dying corpses.

Suddenly Aragorn charged through once again, yelling "Elendil!" at the top of his lungs, causing Legolas and Gimli's horse to rear up and neigh. Legolas managed to hold on, but Gimli's hefty frame slid right off.

"Hey…Legolas, slow down…let me get back on…"Gimli began to head towards the horse, but Legolas quickly veered it off in the opposite direction, screaming, "Do not fear, Gimli, I will return for you…sometime next month." He muttered the last bit under his breath, leaving Gimli to rough it on his own.

"Damned chicken liver." muttered Gimli.

A Warg rider tore his dagger into Aragorn's horse's side, causing it to rear up again, and Aragorn to tumble off.

He regained his composure quickly, and looked around for another animal to mount. He saw the rider who had so generously stabbed his horse in the ass, and lunged as he rode past, grabbing his leg.

The Warg rider slashed out fiercely, but Aragorn saw it coming…for once. He swung up onto the back, dodging the blow and kicking the rider in the stomach.

The Orc grabbed his necklace as he fell off, and Aragorn slashed at his neck angrily.

Aragorn turned his head just in time to see a steep drop-off. He desperately tried to veer the dumb animal away, but it was too late, and he plummeted off the cliff.

*********************************************88

"So let me get this straight…where are you taking us again?" Heather protested, as she struggled to keep pace with Faramir, who was holding her tied hands with some sick form of relish.

"To Gondor, to use the Ring of Power as a weapon against the Nazgul…and to kill Frodo, if the King will allow it." said Faramir.

"You mean steward, don't you?" said Frodo sourly.

"Excuse me?" Faramir turned to him.

"Well, like it or not, your father is technically the steward of Gondor…not the king." Frodo grouched.

"I would suggest you silence your tongue, unless you want it hacked from your mouth!" yelled Faramir angrily.

"Can you just take a chill pill, Faramir?" Heather said, "In fact, I have one in my bag, just…just let me get it!" Heather was of course referring to her pack of sleeping pills she had brought (for Mike, as no one, not even Noah, wanted him around!).

"Nice try. I refuse to try your Elf poisons! Who knows, I could end up looking like Frodo!" Faramir patted Heather on the head patronisingly.

"Well that would do you a lot of good!" Frodo said sourly.

"Yeah right, Frodo. Everyone knows you have a neck as thick as your head!" Heather said.

"Well you have a head as thick as your…your…THIGH!" said Frodo lamely.

"I am not dignifying your pathetic insults with a response." Heather said, as they were shoved closer and closer to Gondor.

"Faramir, the Ring is dangerous! If you take that to Gondor then you're all going to die! Why don't you just let Sam and I take the Ring, and we'll leave, and just to satisfy you, you can kill Frodo. How's that for a deal?" Heather offered.

Faramir ignored her.

"Fine, just don't blame me if you end up like Boromir."

Faramir stopped the troop, "So you do know what happened to him!"

"No, no, no, not exactly. But…he was travelling with Frodo." Heather said cryptically.

"And…?"pressed Faramir.

"Now he's a 'missing person'." Heather finished.

"Missing, presumed dead!" corrected Frodo sourly.

Faramir gave Frodo a shove, "Keep moving. We are in sight of Osgiliath!"

"Big deal." muttered Frodo grouchily.

They approached Osgiliath, which was made up of largely broken stone buildings. There were a large number of Orcs across a lake, and there were archers firing on them. There were soldiers running all around the city, and smoke was billowing from certain towers.

"That's Osgiliath?" Sam said.

"Not much of a change from the gloomy cliffs of Minas Morgul." Heather mumbled.

"ENOUGH OF THIS! I have no need for you!" Faramir drew his sword, when suddenly a scrawny shape jumped from the foliage and onto Faramir, knocking him off balance.

Heather tore her threadbare ropes (which she'd been cutting with an arrowhead she'd collected from the cave earlier), and twisted Faramir's sword out of his hand, holding it to his chin.

Smeagol jumped off from his back, and bit savagely into his leg.

"Our friend! She saved us, she did! And we'll not let tricksy, cruel men kill her, will we precious?" he yelled.

Faramir screamed, and kicked his leg, sending Smeagol flying into the bushes.

All of his men were pointing their swords and arrows at Heather. The only reason they had not grabbed her was because the point of the sword was almost cutting Faramir's neck, and it was too close. Heather was seriously upset. Faramir had been nothing but brutal to her ever since they'd met.

She had one chance and if she played her cards right, they all might get out of this thing before Frodo went and nearly got them all killed.

Smeagol came pouncing back, and kicked Faramir's knee viciously. "Tricksy, false men!" he muttered.

Faramir eyed his sword point cautiously. Heather pressed it a little harder, and broke skin.

"You know, I think you've had it in for me all this time. Well guess what? I'm sick of it! So why don't you let me and Sam go, and you can console yourself and kill Frodo." she said.

Faramir smiled. Who did this little Elf think she was talking to?

"I have a better proposition for you. You give me my sword back, and I'll put in a good word for you, Sam, AND Smeagol with my father when you are taken before him. How's that for a proposal?"

"I like mine better." Heather responded.

"Well I don't approve of either. It seems like I'm thrown the rough end of both!" Frodo whined.

"You'll die either way!" Heather and Faramir said at the same time.

"Then I hate you. I HATE YOU!" Frodo burst into sour tears, and ran off.

"Stop him!" yelled Faramir.

All of his men, Sam, and Smeagol went running after Frodo, leaving Heather and Faramir alone.

Faramir used the temporary distraction to pull out one of his daggers and hold it to Heather's throat, breaking her skin.

"That's for my neck," he smiled, only to look down, as Heather stubbed his toe hard, crunching it.

"And that's for mine." she retorted in return.

"My arm is stronger then yours, I could be here all day." Faramir informed Heather.

"Well mines not weighed down with five tons of armour, so I could too ." she responded.

"We caught him without much difficulty, sir." said his men, returning holding a sour-faced Frodo, his knee covered in dirt, the only noticeable sign of any slight skirmish.

Suddenly his face changed, and he looked up, with his eyes rolled up into his head.

"They're here." he said in a weird voice, "They've come."

At that moment, a large shriek tore through the air. "Nazgul!" yelled Faramir.

Smeagol ran and hid in a nearby bush. Heather and Faramir looked at each other .

"I call a temporary truce," he said.

"Well so do I!" Heather agreed, and the two ran towards Osgiliath along with the others, and a reluctant Frodo who was dragged along.

"AAAARRRRAAAGGGOOORRRRNNNN!" a piercing shriek tore through the battlefield.

"If I didn't know better I would think Frodo was here!" said Legolas looking around for some one else to kill and not finding any.

"Ha!" exclaimed Moni, "It's Eowyn. Hopefully she'll follow Aragorn off the cliff."

"Want to give her a hand?" suggested Legolas with a smile.

"Legolas, I wonder what would happen if I told Theoden or perhaps…Eomer?" said Moni.

"Theoden would reward you with another dress for your loyalty and Eomer…" Legolas bobbed his eyebrows.

"Ha!" said Moni shocked, "Not in a million years!"

Legolas just laughed.

Eowyn ran towards the cliff and looked over.

"Eowyn!" called Gimli without warning and Eowyn jerked, falling over the side, her dress catching on the rocks and leaving her dangling.

"Oops." said Gimli looking over the edge, "Um, hang on." a huge smile formed on his face, "Legolas will come and get you in a minute!"

"Where's Aragorn?" asked Oli walking up to the edge. She had been knocked off her horse, "He fallen already?"

"I don't know…and what do you mean already?" said Gimli.

"Well…he…always was kinda clumsy." Oli said quickly.

"I don't know" said Gimli, he looked down at Eowyn who was still hanging by her skirt, "Don't worry, Legolas will be here in a minute…Legolas! The lady requires your 'elvish talent'."

Legolas seethed.

"Well hurry up and help her before she falls." said Theoden quickly.

"The ugly one over there should know what happened." hinted Oli pointing to the Goblin who was now barely alive.

"Did you see what happened to the guy that just went by here? You know, dirty, ugly, long hair, stinks of horse?" said Oli to the Goblin.

"Yes, he took a little tumble off the cliff..." the Goblin laughed, a revolting gargle sound, then swiftly died.

Oli snatched the necklace from the dead Goblin's hand and pocketed it. Aragorn would have to pay good money if he wanted it back.

Legolas arrived back over the cliff's edge puffing and panting and holding a struggling Eowyn. His usually immaculately brushed hair was fritzled and his face was splattered in mud.

"Eowyn, what in gods name are you doing here? I told you specifically to go with the women and children." seethed Theoden, "Just you wait until Eomer hears of this!"

"I may be a woman but I can fight and I intend too." she said dusting her clothes off unaware that there was huge tear down the back of her dress.

"Damn what a sight." said Legolas, "I would not be in Aragorn's position for all of the women in Lorien." Legolas reached into his pocket, "Where are they?" he panicked.

Moni smiled, patting the elvish cleaning wipes she had pocketed in exchange for his foul comment earlier.

"Having trouble finding something?" she said wryly.

"Yes I am!" Legolas said, fixing his hair and slathering it in some weird sticky substance.

"So that's your secret! Sap!" roared Gimli, who was still grouchy about the fact that Legolas hadn't let him back on the horse.

"Yes, that and washing." Legolas said snidely, looking down at the grimy, sweaty, stinky Dwarf.

Gimli narrowed his eyes.

Moni let out a shriek as she felt a hand reach down into her back pocket and rummage around. She jumped and turned around, to see Legolas holding up the wipes.

"I knew it all along." he said, wiping the mud away with one miraculous sweep.

"Damn those are good!" said Oli, "Can I have one? I got Orc-blood all over my arm and it stinks!"

"Fat chance, as Heather would say." was all Legolas had to say, not even bothering to look up from where he was getting the last bits of twig out of his hair.

Oli grumbled, and then she remembered Heather. She wondered if Faramir had caught them yet, or even if they had reached Gondor by now. She just hoped this thing went along according to the story, or else not only would they be trapped in Middle Earth, but they'd most likely be killed or end up in slave labour for the rest of their lives, especially with Duri around. Then again, Monica would be just peachy. She'd find favour in Saruman's and perhaps even Sauron's eyes, and would soon become a chief member of their little circle, being showered with lavish tokens of affection from both parties. Oli rolled her eyes- that would be Monica. She'd probably even get back to Earth, being tight with Saruman and all.

Her musings were interrupted by an angry and frustrated scream from Legolas as he had finally realised Aragorn had fallen off the cliff.

"I don't believe this!" he yelled.

Theoden stood with him, looking over the cliff. "Get the wounded on horses!" he said, "The Warg riders will return. Leave the dead."

Legolas looked at him in angry disbelief. Theoden patted him the shoulder. Legolas shrugged his hand off and turned to go.

"Well, this is all your fault." he said to Monica in frustration.

"Ha! My fault, is it now? How do you figure that?" she demanded, as they rounded up what was left of the knights and continued on, since Theoden had ordered them to 'leave the dead'.

"If Aragorn hadn't been so enamoured with your charms, he wouldn't have ridden off of a cliff. I'll wager you put some sort of spell on the man!" said Legolas.

"Bah," said Moni dismissively, "You're the Elf here. Don't blame me if your fingers slipped while you were trying to topple Eowyn off her feet using some weird chant. Rimmonee mini manasa de farsa…"Moni tangled her fingers together in front of Legolas' face.

He slapped them down, irritated. "Keep those away from me, you never know where they've been." he grouched, as they remounted their steeds and continued galloping.

"The only one whose fingers are in doubt right now are Frodo's. Not mine!" Moni retorted.

"Enough of this idle prattle!" yelled Gimli.

"Careful, Gimli. You're sounding like Aragorn now!" shouted Legolas over the pounding of horse hooves.

"Well, maybe so! Or maybe I'm just speaking for myself! You and Moni are behaving like two young Juveniles!" Gimli roared in his ear.

"Speaking of Juveniles, Heather must be nearing Mordor by now…if she's still alive. That vicious delinquent wouldn't last five seconds out there without a sensible head like Sam's." yelled Legolas.

"You're forgetting Frodo's strong arm," screamed Oli sourly.

"And his good looks, which I'd say has gotten them far by now!" interjected Moni.

"Eh?" yelled Legolas.

"Never mind!" said Moni.

"No, no. I just thought I heard something about Frodo being good looking." said Legolas.

"She was being sarcastic you dweeb." said Oli, "The only one who thinks Frodo is good looking is Sauron who seems so desperate to get his hands on him. I guess he likes his men young and 'tight'."

Legolas put his hand over his mouth to stop himself from bursting out laughing as Theoden rode by.

"Your companion just died and many more may yet. Right now is no time for laughing and revelry." said Theoden crossly.

"Great, a mini Aragorn." mumbled Moni.

"I know, I miss him too. He was a good man" said Theoden who had only caught the last word.

"Ugh" Legolas rolled his eyes while Theoden wasn't looking.

"Now there is no time to grieve for your lover." Theoden patted Moni on the shoulder.

"Woah, woah! Hold on! You've got it all wrong." said Moni disgusted.

"Well that's what Eowyn told me." Theoden seemed confused.

"Well Eowyn's got it all wrong." said Moni taking his hand off her shoulder.

Legolas couldn't resist it this time and burst out into fits of laughter.

Moni grabbed some mud mixed with sweat from her horse's side and rubbed it in Legolas' face.

Legolas was shocked for a moment and then backhanded Moni.

Theoden gasped and sounded as though he was going to have a heart attack, "Never, never master elf, strike a lady across the face!"

Moni took out her sword and cut a small lock from Legolas' hair with a smile of satisfaction on her face.

"How dare you!" Legolas was angry almost beyond words.

"Oops." said Moni gleefully.

"OOPS!" Legolas bellowed.

He reached over and grabbed Moni, throttling her.

"Alright, cut it out." Oli hit Legolas on the head with the hilt of her sword and Legolas let go.

Moni nursed her neck grouchily.

"Are you okay?" asked about four riders one after the other to Moni.

"Yes god damn it! I'm fine!" she bellowed at the last unfortunate one.

Legolas was mumbling to himself in elvish and braiding the hair back into his hair in small portions.

"Look! The fortress of helms deep!" announced Theoden.

"Oh goodie." droned Oli.

"Well hurry up and get in so that you two don't cause any more unnecessary problems." snapped Legolas.

"It was you, not she, who hit Monica!" reminded Theoden

"Would you two cut it out." snapped Moni.

Theoden opened his mouth to snap back but then bowed his head, "As you wish Lady Monica."

"Just Monica. She's not a lady of anything but the gutter." said Legolas who was still sour about the hair incident.

"What sort of a name is Monica anyway?" asked Gimli ignoring Legolas' comment.

"It means 'one who gives advice' though I can't see how that applies any more as her fashion sense had gone totally haywire." said Oli.

"I have little to say about either of your fashion senses." said Legolas snidely, "Trousers on human women just don't go. They make your legs look fat. Especially such tight ones as you wear."

"I wouldn't talk about trousers!" said Moni looking down at Legolas' elvish leggings.

"These were tailor made by the best in the world!" said Legolas offended, "But I wouldn't expect you to know that."

"Well then Middle Earth is in desperate need of fashion aid." said Oli, "Everyone knows leggings when out like twenty years ago. Cargos and baggy pants are what's happening."

"I have no intention of 'wearing' cargo in any shape or form. And as for baggy pants; if they don't fit you then you should have them taken in." Legolas looked up snidely.

"Hopeless." Moni shook her head, "Just like this. You guys haven't even got any kind of battle strategy."

"Why not leave the thinking to the men. Do not trouble your selves with such problems." said Theoden dismounting.

The others followed.

"Are you suggesting I'm not as smart as you?" said Moni crunching her fist inside her hand in a mock threatening gesture.

"Yes." said Legolas.

"Legolas, not in front of the lady." said Theoden, "We only care for your safety. Perhaps it would be better if you went into the shelter with the other women and children."

"How about nooo Scot." said Oli.

"Theoden!" he corrected.

"Whatever your name is." said Oli, "We're not going into the shelter while you pull some puny twelve year old guys whose ass we could kick with our arms tied behind our back and have them fight the Orcs instead of us. And besides, you know perfectly well we need every man we've got."

"Why?" asked Theoden, "The worst Saruman can throw at us on such short notice would be a couple thousand and the most."

"I'd say more like ten thousand." whispered Oli so as the crowd wouldn't hear.

"Nonsense. He could never produce an army like that." said Legolas.

"We have our connections which suggest otherwise." said Moni.

"Spies?" said Legolas, "Not even we elves could get a spy in under Saruman's watchful eyes."

"Duri overheard two Orcs talking about an army of ten thousand hidden near Isenguard." Oli cooked up in a quiet voice.

"And you have proof of this." said Theoden seriously.

"You have our word." said Moni.

"A trolls word means nothing." snorted Legolas.

"But a lady's does." snapped Theoden, "We will discuss more of this in the main hall." He turned and headed up the steps motioning for them to follow.

Moni stuck out her tongue in Legolas' direction and he seethed.

"The main hall is no place for a 'lady'. She and Olivia must join Eowyn with the women and children and there needs be no further discussion!" Legolas grouched.