The nights was the worst. If he were lucky, he was tired enough after a day's work to fall asleep. But in the small orphanage there wasn't really that much work, and certainly not for someone with his disability. Lying awake he felt like an useless parasite. He wasn't an orphaned child anymore, for a very long time in fact. He needed to make himself more useful, because he really didn't want to leave this place. He would willingly leave only for Belle or Neal and that wasn't an option anymore. And that was usually the point when his longing for both of them was becoming too much and he was bursting into tears, muffing them with the pillow as best as he could.

After another sleepless, crying night, seeing his face in the mirror, Gold was sure that his aunties wouldn't stay away from the topic.

Indeed, auntie Marjorie smeared butter over her toast with a pensive expression on her face. Then she looked at him sharply.

'Maybe you could write to her, telling her how you felt? It might do both of you some good, to simply understand better what had happened. Without any pleas or demands.'

Gold blinked, feeling sudden rush of fear.

'I... I think it's better to just let her live her life. No sense in disrupting it.'

He earned a very stern glance for that.

'You are just trying to have the easiest way out while making it look like a sacrifice, young man. But maybe you are right too. Write it at least, just for yourself, and then you'll decide if you want to send it. I mean, write it in a simple words, as if you were explaining it to the child. Simple is best.'

Gold learned already that auntie Marjorie and auntie Natalie usually had good ideas. He wrote the letter, just for himself. The crumpled, tear-stained pages full of incoherent babbling weren't suitable for anyone's eyes. But once he wrote them, he felt the need to not let them go to waste. So he finally rewrote it for Belle. It took him two days and nine trips to the mail box to actually send it – to Victor, as he didn't knew Belle's new address.

'Belle,

I'm not writing this to ask you for anything, except for listening to me just for a moment. I was advised to 'just' tell you what I wasn't able to tell and do while we've been together and, if I know, why. Just this, nothing more. You don't have to reply or anything, though if you want, you'll find the return address at the end. These are things that I wouldn't be able to say aloud without crying - this way you wouldn't have to endure the whole disgusting spectacle. I'll try to be brief. Also, I am able to tell these things to you now because we are not together anymore. I don't have to worry about losing you when I tell you how week and stupid I really am. I am so sorry for deceiving you into thinking that I am anything more.

So, the most important thing is that I love Neal so much. I feel like I lost him just yesterday. I know you told me to not blame myself for his death, but I can't control this. If not for me, my boy would be alive. I did my best to be strong and do as you told me. I didn't talk about him because there was nothing for me to say without admitting the guilt, but it hurt me so much to not be able to talk. But I was too afraid that I'd tell something to make you think that I'm stupid again.

It's not that I had to personally kill Zelena. It's just that it's so unfair to my boy that she didn't answer for what she did. No one but me care about that - and certainly not the cops, who wrapped up the case as soon as possible. I want to do something for my boy, anything, but as always there is nothing for me to do, or at least not without ruining everything else. I want so much to be the father he would be proud of, but I honestly don't see how. I've messed up too much.

As for Regina, I truly care for her. She never was cruel to me and helped when I really needed help. I think I would be dead long ago if not for her. She is dangerous, but much of it is because the environment she has to survive in. I know you don't see her that way. I know you see her just as a criminal and a threat. She is, that's true, I don't try to say she's not. But that's not the only thing she is and I wasn't able to turn my back on her. I had to help, though I admit there wasn't much I was able to do. But I couldn't agree to not doing anything for her. There was also the danger that she might want to punish me, and you, for not helping her. I have helped her to be persuasive in the past and I have seen what could happen first hand. You wanted to solve the problem together, but I think you meant another problem at all. You didn't care for Regina, and you had every right not to. But I cared. Is it really that bad of me? Can't I care for someone who did something wrong? If I can't, then what is the hope for anybody, as we all can't say that we did everything right? I didn't lie when I said that if there was any other way possible to help her, I would. I know it doesn't justify anything, but I want you to know that no one died and no one got hurt this time. And after that she again set me free. Now she wouldn't ever want me back, I made sure of it.

You wanted to solve the problem of me being criminal again. I know you might not believe me, ever, but I didn't want to go back to be a criminal again. I wanted to help Regina and to stop Zelena. I know that the means I agreed to were criminal. But Belle, what would be any other way? Even back then I tried not to kill if I could avoid it, but sometimes you kill or get killed. You'll probably say that I shouldn't get involved in it at all, that it must give me pleasure of some kind to not resign from it earlier. I never took any pleasure from killing. I admit I liked having people fearing me and feeling esteem for me, and doing what I wanted. It was so different from what I was before and am now used to. But killing in itself was never anything but cruel necessity. That's why I was able to hope that I can resign from working with Regina at all. With you there I had all the esteem I needed – you wanted me, and I was important to you, if only for a period of time. It made me falsely believe that I can give you more than I really can, give enough to make you happy. Back when I was stitched at Victor's house, when you went to sleep already, Ruby came to me for a moment and told me that I would do the right thing by letting you go and allowing you to pursue your dreams. Belle, I'm so sorry that you had to waste so much time at me. I hope with all my heart that you would find your happiness.

Robert'

The letter was addressed to Victor, but Ruby opened it as she did with all the mail. Their life weren't exciting enough anymore to warrant secrets and separate mails. She took out a smaller envelope and a brief letter accompanying it, Robert asking Victor to deliver his letter to Belle. Ruby frowned at the glued envelope. No way. She wasn't going to let Gold destroy Belle's life. She's seen and heard enough, herself, from Belle or from Granny. Belle should have better life than anything Gold could give her. She should fulfill her dreams, not be hurt by him.

And thus, Ruby threw the scrunched envelope to the trash can.