A/N: As I promised, new chapter for you today! (although it's almost night in my country)
Who asked me of my publishing schedule: I have no schedule in particular =) Some chapters are quick to write and I just can spend half of the night writing 'in the same breath', and some are very difficult and I need to have some time to think, to make the plot logical. Also, don't forget that we do additional editing (when I tell 'we' I mean my darksider pal Darth Retailation). Sometimes to write the chapter I need to sit and do some planning or research. I'm trying to publish one chapter per three days at least, but I can't promise, that I'll continue doing in with the same rhythm (because I work full time).
This chapter will certainly break some hearts and give a clue to understanding some characters… Enjoy, no spoilers provided! =))
Chapter 9. Corellian Apple
"Breathe in, breathe out." Rey heard his voice repeating the same mantra over and over.
"I am trying, you know! No need to repeat, I understood," she answered with a note of annoyance in her voice.
"Look, I know Skywalker taught you to meditate." Ren's tone was strict, but devoid of anger. "And I'll do him justice - he taught you as well as he could teach such a stubborn and unwilling padawan. But if you want to make your own lightsaber, your level of meditation is not enough. You will need to meditate for days. Right now, you can only manage to do it for a few hours. Now, we'll do it again. Breathe in, breathe out."
She sighed and tried to concentrate. They were sitting cross-legged on the floor of the training space, face to face. Rey closed her eyes and tried to meditate, but her thoughts flew towards a completely different direction.
When she woke up next morning, Ren behaved as if nothing happened and was strict and demanding with her as usual. She tried to ask him about Hux, but those questions only pushed him further into his already gloomy mood. From the scanty phrases she managed to draw out of him, she understood that the General was still alive and the interrogation incident was meant to be forgotten by both sides. This slightly offended her, but Rey understood that Ren didn't need an overt conflict with the First Order and she respected his will. He saved her from torture, after all. His rescue became the main subject of her thoughts. Had he heard her pleas through their Bond? Or had just found her missing and came to search?
Thoughts of Ren didn't give her the opportunity to concentrate on meditation, so Rey slightly opened one of her eyes and sneaked a look at his face and caught his persistent gaze. She immediately felt embarrassed that he'd caught her staring at him.
"I'll never learn to meditate properly. I just can't concentrate," she mumbled, chagrined at her failure. She began to stand up but suddenly felt his hand on her own. It felt like a strike of current through her body.
"Don't give up so easily. Come, I'll help you." His voice held a shadow of an unknown emotion, but he didn't take away his hand. Rey returned to her previous pose. They faced each other, holding hands, and Rey had to admit it felt… rather pleasant. He stretched the other hand towards her and she put her palm into his hesitantly.
His hands felt very warm. His index finger lightly touched her pulse point near the wrist and she sensed a new wave of current passing through her body. What was it? She had held hands with Finn and Luke before, but it never felt so torturously pleasant. Was she doing something forbidden, holding hands with her enemy? Rey tried to convince herself that it was just a method to help her learn. His thumb started caressing her knuckles. She felt the soft song of their force bond, becoming louder in her head with each second.
Rey looked into his eyes with mixed feelings, trying to read his thoughts. For a moment, she could swear that she noticed the same feeling she saw during their battle on Starkiller Base. Longing. But that moment passed, and he was once again again her strict teacher.
"Close your eyes and concentrate, let the bond guide you. I will meditate with you and our physical contact will strengthen the connection. I'll stay with you as long as I can and then release you. Then, you'll try to stay in meditation on your own."
She nodded and closed her eyes, opening herself to the bond and feeling him doing the same. His dark presence was very close. They were like a pair of connecting vessels, as flows of their power met and surged somewhere upwards, into the universe, mixing and interlacing. She had never opened the bond willingly to him before: now, his energy felt like a hot blow of liquid metal. An erupting volcano, throwing lava to the atmosphere. A forest fire, dangerous and merciless, spreading fast among the trees.
Suddenly she felt something unfamiliar. A deep blue ocean. Rey realized that their connection had become so strong that she could sense how he saw her Force energy inside himself. A cold mountain river, whirling and boiling on the rocks. Heavy rain, falling on the ground, bringing life to plants. His grip on her hand became tighter and she understood that he saw her visions too. Hot boiling geyser flowing into the sky from the depths of the earth. Fire and water were at last one. They ascended higher and higher and then melted together in the universe in deep meditation.
Kylo Ren exhaled slowly, opened his eyes and released the girl's hands. She breathed evenly, sitting in front of him motionless as a statue. Suddenly she raised her hands, holding her palms parallel to each other. What was going on? He thought this would be a training meditation. He heard a bumping sound on the door of her room. Ren stood up and opened the door. His grandfather's lightsaber flew towards the girl and began to disassemble with light clicks. Soon, between Rey's hands flew some metal scraps and in the center of the sphere, formed by them, rotated a cyber crystal, shining deep blue as an ocean. An ocean like herself.
Ren felt the soft song of the crystal. As their bond had become stronger, the blade had begun to call to him, but not as strongly as it called to her. Its hum sounded like an echo in the mountains, weak, but beautiful. He searched his feelings, but to his surprise, he didn't find any jealousy. It was her saber now, and they were destined together.
Slowly her staff flew out of her room and began to disassemble too. Ren chuckled; he already knew that she wouldn't want a simple saber. A double bladed lightsaber would be the perfect weapon for her.
He went to his room, and prepared himself to wait a long time.
-x-
He went out several times to check her and to give her some water.
When he entered for the first time, he understood that making her drink would be not so simple. She sat unmoving, her eyes shut and her lips closed. He sighed and looked at the glass of water he was holding in his hands. Okay, that's the challenge. He knelt and gently put his palm behind her nape, under the lowest of her buns to support her head, and slightly shivered from the sensation. The tiny hairs at the back of her head were smooth and tender and the skin of her neck felt incredibly soft. He brought the glass towards her lips and made her drink a bit.
Ren had made his saber himself and nobody was there to give him water. He remembered the terrible thirst he felt when he woke up alone from the meditation. At least she wouldn't suffer from dehydration. The scraps of metal continued to flow around her, assembling with soft clicks.
Rey meditated for three whole days. On the third day, he found the girl sitting on the floor, holding her new saber in both hands. She looked exhausted and pale, with deep, dark circles under her eyes. Both blades of the saberstaff were glowing blue.
Rey saw him coming out of his room and heard her own hoarse whisper.
"Isn't it beautiful?"
But she didn't hear his answer. The room began to rotate around her, and suddenly, everything went black.
-x-
Rey woke up in her bed dizzy and disoriented. She didn't remember how she reached her room. She was still clothed in the black stormtrooper clothing which was usually worn under the armor. Ren brought it the second day after her arrival. She was grateful, because sharing his clothes seemed too intimate and her Jakku attire was the only garb she brought with her. She looked under the blanket and understood that despite the fact that she had stayed dressed, her boots were gone. Rey searched the room with her eyes but couldn't find them. Strange. She put her bare feet onto the floor and went out of the room and towards the hall.
Kylo Ren was standing in front of the window, hands crossed on his chest, seemingly deep in thoughts. The table was set for two and he was obviously waiting for somebody. They never shared meals as she did with Luke, and she supposed that the person he waited for wasn't her. She began to move back towards her room, but the loud grumble of her stomach gave her away. He turned his head and noticed her.
"Okay-okay, I'm going away, I just can't find my boots," she mumbled, embarrassed by the way her stomach reacted on the view of food. He raised one of his brows.
"And where are you going?"
"To my room. I don't want to hinder your date or business meal or whatever it is, but I desperately need something to put on onto my feet."
It must have been a funny declaration, because he threw his head back and laughed. Rey never saw him laughing. He was a dangerous enemy and a strict teacher, but not a laughing young man she could now see before her eyes.
"Seriously, Rey, a date? You thought that while you were asleep I brought here some girl to woo? We are on the damn Finalizer, the Resurgent-class Star Destroyer, in the middle of a war, and a girl tells me that she doesn't want to hinder my date." He snorted and pointed on one of the chairs, his shoulders shill shaking from the laughter, "I ordered the droids to bring the food for you, because you starved for three days making your saber. I was thinking of having my meal too, so I supposed that sharing it wouldn't be a crime." He suddenly became serious. "But if you don't want to share it with me, we can…"
"No, it's okay. No date, just food," She was already sitting at the table, chewing a big corellian apple. Stars, it is delicious. Rey studied her bare feet and asked. "You know, I don't remember what happened after I finished my lightsaber."
"You passed out from exhaustion."
"And then?"
"What… then?" What was it on his face? Was it… embarrassment?
"Yes. I found myself in my bed without my boots."
He sighed and put away the utensils.
"Okay. When you passed out, I decided that leaving you on the cold floor wouldn't be the best idea. I carried you to your room and took off your boots. They were so old that I fetched for the droid and ordered it to bring you a new pair. But a pair of your size is not very easy to find, so the droid must be searching for a long time now."
She thought that she was supposed to be mad at him because of discarding her property, but instead, all she could think of was him carrying her to her room in his arms. The thought felt improper and dangerous, but she couldn't help herself. Silence lingered and she decided not to push the subject any further.
"Uhm… okay. Just make sure the droid finds a new pair or I'll stay barefeet."
He seemed relieved. They ate in silence for a few minutes. Finally, she pushed her dish away, unable to swallow another piece of food.
"What now? Sparring?"
"No. I think you're not ready yet. I know you want to try fighting with your new lightsaber, but let your body rest a bit. Instead of sparring, let me teach you a Dark Side technique. At least you don't need boots to use it. ." Rey suddenly felt a lump in her throat. There it was, the Dark side of the Force. Don't forget who your current teacher really is. He felt her hesitation.
"You know, I keep my promises. I give you a choice. I'll teach it to you, but to use it or not is up to you."
Her hand lifted in a reflex and touched the tip of the padawan braid resting on her chest. The Dark side would not seduce her. Never. She would remain loyal to her true Master. Rey knew that Kylo Ren saw her gesture. A shadow of jealousy passed through his eyes, but he said nothing. He took an apple from the table.
"Close your eyes."
She obeyed and heard his quick steps as he moved away. When she opened her eyes, the apple was gone. She heard his deep voice.
"I'll teach you mind probing. I hid the apple somewhere in the quarters. Your goal is to learn where I hid it from my mind. Don't try to look deep: think about the apple, search for it." Ren's tone suddenly became harsh. "And don't try to learn anything personal from my mind, or I'll push you away. That would be painful."
They sat face to face on the floor as usual, legs crossed. Rey exhaled and closed her eyes, trying to reach his mind with her will. She sensed their connection in the force and embraced it, letting the bond guide her. Apple, apple, think about the apple. Suddenly she felt herself flowing in the ocean of his thoughts and emotions. Got it. She visualized the apple in her mind, trying to dampen his other thoughts. She saw a blurred picture of him, moving across the hall with an apple in his palm, but the picture seemed as if she was watching it from far away. She extended her mind, trying to reach the picture, to fly toward it. It began to move closer and closer and Rey felt proud of herself. Show me the apple. The picture was drawing near faster and faster and she felt a shadow of discomfort. Why couldn't she see it clearly? Rey intensified the pressure, and suddenly, the picture of Kylo Ren holding the apple shivered and broke into pieces while she flew through it and fell into the depth of his memories.
-x-
"Daddy, daddy, look!"
They stood in a hangar, and the familiar silhouette of the Millennium Falcon was towering before her. A dark-haired boy, dabbled in engine oil, stood before a young man wiping his hands from the oil. The boy was laughing and above his small dirty hands levitated a big corellian apple.
"Look, daddy, it's a planet! And that's the Millennium Falcon!"
Rey noticed a small scrap of metal, rotating around the apple. She chuckled. The boy obviously had a fantasy. But the young man, whom she immediately recognized as Han Solo, didn't look very pleased with the little show.
"Don't play with your breakfast, son," Han chided the boy. "Don't you remember what happened the last time when you levitated things? The battery exploded in your arms and you were lucky to still have all your fingers."
"But, daddy, I can…"
"I repeat, don't do it, Ben. You can be dangerous for both yourself and others."
The corellian apple fell onto the floor. Rey sensed Ben's disappointment. Their bond had become so strong she could feel his emotions even in his memories.
The picture suddenly changed. Rey was standing with the boy behind a door, which was slightly opened. Ben was very quiet, so Rey supposed that he was listening to the conversation behind the door. She looked into the small opening and saw Han and Leia, much younger than she remembered them. They were arguing about something.
"...But Han! He is Force-sensitive, just come to terms with it! My father was a Sith, my brother is a Jedi. What did you expect from our son?"
"I know, I know, but... can't he be normal, like the other boys are? You are Force-sensitive too, but you don't levitate things or listen to some voices in your head!
Leia sighed and sat on the chair, rubbing her forehead.
"I don't have even a hundredth part of his power. He is the heir of the Skywalker legacy."
"I never wanted him to be one," Han seemed angry. Leia stood up, seemingly wounded by his words.
"Sometimes I look at you and I start doubting you ever wanted to become a father at all! You're always flying away from all the problems on the Falcon, leaving us behind!"
"You knew who you married, Princess! I'm a smuggler and I can't live without space or travelling. It is in my blood! Besides that, you're always busy with your political issues. What do you expect me to do? To sit at home and to wait for my busy wife to return from another 'very important for the sake of the Galaxy' meeting?"
"Our son needs a father, Han!"
"Doesn't the kid need a mother too, huh? I know that you're ashamed of me, Leia. But those walls choke me, I need to travel! I wanted to take Ben with me but you never allowed it."
"Because it is dangerous for him. He is just five years old! Besides, I never wanted him to become a smuggler."
"And what did you want him to become? A princess? And now he's begun levitating everything he sees and he speaks of voices inside his head like a madman. I'll tell you the truth, Leia, I am afraid of him and for him. We need to do something with it." Han's tone turned to almost pleading. He took Leia's hand and their postures seemed to become softer. They obviously were still in love with each other, despite all the fights. She hugged him.
"I don't want to send him away." Her voice sounded low, trembling with suppressed tears.
Rey heard a cry near her leg. The boy opened the door and rushed towards his parents, hiding his face in his mother's skirt, sobbing.
"Mommy, daddy, please, don't send me away, I'll be good! I won't levitate things anymore. I'll be normal, daddy, please, don't send me away!"
Leia hugged her crying son.
"Shh, darling, nobody will send you away. Don't cry."
Han stretched his hand and stroked the boy's wild black curls with embarrassment written on his face. He tried to cheer the boy.
"Hey, kid, wanna do some piloting?"
Children's tears were as always quick to dry and Ben immediately stopped sobbing and nodded enthusiastically, stretching his small hand towards his father. Han took his hand, and winked to Leia.
"Will Mommy let us fly a bit?"
Leia smiled through the tears glistening inside her beautiful brown eyes, "Okay, but not for too long."
They left the quarters and headed towards the hangar.
"I'll warm the engines, you join me, okay?" Han released the boy's hand and headed towards the hangar with a quick pace.
They don't want you.
Rey heard a whisper inside her head. Little Ben Solo froze to the spot.
"I won't listen to you, go away," his voice was shaking.
They don't want you. They fight all the time because of you.
"No, you're lying."
"Ben! Are you coming?" Rey heard Han calling out from the hangar.
The boy shook his head and ran towards the opened doors. Rey didn't follow him, and watched his tiny figure disappear behind the huge doors instead, all the while listening to the last shadow of a whisper they both heard inside their heads.
Your parents don't love you. You ruined their lives. They'll send you away.
And Rey knew they did.
-x-
Rey was thrown away from his mind like a cork from a bottle. She saw fury in his eyes and understood that her life was in danger. She knew that she found the wrong apple among his memories, and now, this apple could have her lose everything. He was already standing on his feet, dangerous and enraged, fists clenched.
"What have I told you about personal memories, girl?!"
"It was not my intention! I tried too hard and found another corellian apple inside your mind. Who knew you're so keen on fruit?" At least he taught her to always have a sharp tongue.
"What have you seen?" Since he didn't show her the memory intentionally, he didn't know how much she had managed to see. Ren was approaching her while she was retreating, until she felt a wall behind her back. Rey thought about calling her lightsaber, but she didn't remember where it was. Ren remained unarmed and it gave her hope. He was towering over her, leaning onto the wall over her shoulder with his hand and his eyes could burn a hole in her face. She saw rage and shame inside them and again - longing. Always longing of a lonely boy who grew into a lonely man. Must she push him away with the Force? She closed her eyes and did the only thing which seemed right at the moment.
She raised on her bare tiptoes and kissed him.
A/N: DAT'S A SPACE KISS BABES! You deserved it, my kittens. But who knows, what happens next? I'm no type of fluffy writer, you've already understood it, haven't you?… XD
Writing about Ben's childhood always tears my heart apart.
I foresee the questions about Hux's destiny… So, Rey thinks that Ren left things as they are not to have a conflict. Maybe the boy got wiser? ;)
That's certainly one of my favorite chapters I wrote so far. If you experienced 'emotional rollercoaster', as my beta characterized it, don't behave like young daddy Han Solo – don't just fly away and write some words in the window under the chapter called 'Review'.
And remember, who writes me as a Guest – I can't answer you, seriously. So to get answers for your questions you need to wait until I publish the next chapter. Or sometimes I publish a review to my own fic (sounds weird) where I answer to your questions, although I can't publish more than 1 review per chapter.
Love you, my readers
Xo xo
Ronny
