Thank you to all reviewers. I'm sorry for the wait and the length of this chapter but I like to consider this one build up for the next. Anyway, onwards...
Walking amongst the butterflies
- Staccato-
XX
Ignoring the usual pleasantries, the first thing Akihiko said to Hiroki when they met in his apartment was; "I was rejected. I thought that you were going to pull some strings for me," with hint of accusation in his tone, which was only half-serious.
"Let me see your manuscript," Hiroki glowered and stretched out his hand demandingly, though the expectation in his eyes betrayed his nonchalant manner.
Akihiko mutely handed over his papers and sat on the couch, lighting a cigarette whilst he watched Hiroki skim read.
After a few minutes, Hiroki put the manuscript down, letting no hint of what he thought creep onto his face. His final verdict was; "It's quite good."
Akihiko blew out a long puff of grey smoke. "If it's quite good then why am I being rejected?"
"When an author gets dropped they have to work twice as hard to climb back to the top. Something that's merely 'quite good' won't impress an agency," he snorted.
Trust Hiroki to be so straightforward about the matter, though that was probably why he always liked to run his manuscripts by him first. However, this time he wished Hiroki was not so notoriously blunt with his manuscripts. Everything he said was true; and the thought of Misaki finding out about his rejection left an unpleasant thought in his mind.
However, as usual, he could never stay away for too long. Yet when he pushed the door open to Misaki's room, he found that someone else had invaded his territory in his absence.
"Ah, Usagi-san," Misaki, with his mental index of people's footsteps, looked up expectantly before Akihiko had taken more than a step inside. "This is Shigure-san, he told me that you met him. Jeez, you should have woken me up!"
"It's quite alright, Misaki-kun, you need your rest," the man Akihiko had met not a week ago now placed a soothing hand on Misaki's arm. Akihiko watched his hand with a sour look on his face as it lingered just a little bit longer than he was comfortable with. "Well then, if you excuse will me," Shigure tipped his hat respectfully and left.
"What did he want?" Akihiko asked as soon as the door was shut. He pulled up his usual seat by Misaki's bedside as the boy fiddled with a bunch of Braille papers.
Misaki smiled brightly. "He said he wanted to bring my work out onto the market. Isn't that great? I could get a job and - "
"What did he say about you never leaving the hospital?" Akihiko asked.
The smile faltered. He swiftly turned his head towards the open window, away from Akihiko, who curiously tilted round so that he could still see his face.
"I told him I would be released soon," he whispered guiltily.
"Misaki!"
Misaki bowed his head like child caught stealing sweets; guilty and yet obstinately sure that he had not actually done anything wrong. "Well, it's not a lie is it? All I have to do is get better," he insisted.
"To do that you have to overcome the thing you've kept locked up in you for years!" Akihiko cried,
"Well, I'm having therapy, aren't I?" Misaki demanded; his cheeks flushed with anger.
"It's not that easy!" he protested.
The corners of Misaki's mouth turned downwards in a frown that could match Akihiko's almost perfectly. "You were the one who made me do it, Usagi-san? Don't you want me to be released?"
"I do, I - " Akihiko's shoulders slumped and he sighed. What could he say against such an argument? "I do," he said.
"Sorry," Misaki sighed as well then, in unwitting retribution, asked; "How's your book? What's it about?"
"You," was Akihiko's blunt reply.
"Ehhhh?"
"I'm joking."
Misaki pouted. "That sounded like a pretty serious joke to me," he muttered sceptically.
"It's about a blind boy who cannot walk and cannot leave his hospital room," he explained. "He's contemplating suicide when, one day, a butterfly comes to him from the window. It moves him, it gives him the courage to keep living. It's written from his point of view about the things he sees from his hospital window."
"It sounds sort of sad," Misaki grimaced.
"It has a happy ending," Akihiko insisted. The ending had taken him twice as long to finish as the entire novel had. "In the end, the boy recovers his ability to walk, although he is still blind. It shows that, if you try hard enough to get something you really want in the end you'll be rewarded. The whole meaning behind his struggle was to make him a better person."
"That's nice. I like happy endings," Misaki smiled. However, it was a butterfly smile, which lasted for a mere three seconds before fluttering into a frown. "But, Usagi-san, I don't know much about books and stuff but don't you think that's a little too cliché? I mean, things don't always need a reason to happen. Sometimes things don't have a meaning, they just happen," he shrugged.
Before Akihiko could reply to his criticism, a nurse poked her head around the door.
"Misaki-kun, it's time."
XX
Once again, Akihiko found himself in the dimly lit room, amongst the bookshelves of hefty tomes and silver contraptions placed along the desk. He leaned against the wall behind the doctor's desk, watching from the sidelines like a hawk.
"Now, Misaki-kun, tell me what do you see?"
This time, Misaki closed his eyes and concentrated as best he could. Shigure had given him a reason to try and remember, but Akihiko could not help but feel a little bitter that the man had managed to compel Misaki into doing something he had not been able to achieve without some difficulty.
"A dog," he finally replied. "One of those dog statues with the head that bounces up and down. It was sitting in the front of the car. Mother liked them. She thought they were funny."
The doctor leaned closer, excited by this sudden progress. "Your parents. Do you see them too?" he asked eagerly.
Misaki's brows furrowed but eventually, he replied; "…Yes."
"Who's driving?"
"…Father," he replied.
"It's raining isn't it?" Though his voice remained level, the doctor's pen began furiously scribbling across the page.
Misaki did not reply.
"You're turning a corner now. It's slippery because of the rain. What's going on? Tell me, what's happening," the doctor pressed.
The first signs of uneasiness creased Misaki's brow. "I don't know," he shook his head.
"Think!" He was urged. "It's slippery, it's raining, it's dark and hard to see. The car is going pretty fast! What happens next?!" the doctor demanded, almost rising from his seat.
"It's slippery, it's raining, it's dark and hard to see," Misaki echoed. His brows furrowed in concentration, he began to hunch over and shake his head. "We're turning a corner, I think. I don't know! I really don't know!" he opened his eyes, looking around wildly though he could see nothing.
"Think! Concentrate! What do you see?"
"I don't know! I don't know!"
"Misaki!" Akihiko could take it no longer. He strode forward, catching the doctor by the arm as if commanding him to stop whatever he was doing to Misaki. The doctor glared at him for interrupting his practice.
"I think you already know that Misaki-kun's attacks are triggered by the memory of the crash. Anything that brings back the memory makes him relive the pain of that day," he said nonchalantly. "Anything can trigger it really, even the most common of things, which is why it is dangerous to let him out of the hospital unless he has therapy."
"I know that," Akihiko glowered at him.
"Then we shall continue?"
Misaki shook his head fervently. "It hurts. I don't want to keep going."
The doctor looked at him earnestly and then sighed as if to say; 'What am I going to do with you?' Fortunately, however, the session ended there and a nurse came in to lead them away.
XX
Finally in the sanctuary of Misaki's white room, the boy leaned back into his pillows with relish. His session had left him both mentally and physically drained, though he tried his best to conceal it. He closed his eyes and breathed a deep sigh, inhaling the scent of medicine and disinfectant copulating with the smell of freshener clinging to his clean sheets.
"Usagi-san," he opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. "I'm never going to get out of here, am I?"
"Don't say that. Of course you are, I promised you, didn't I?"
Whether Misaki did not reply out of fatigue or doubt, it still saddened Akihiko to hear such gaping silence. It seemed some force drew him to Misaki's bed, guiding his hands to cup the boy's face. He held him tenderly, as though touching a butterfly, his fingers gently brushing over the smooth skin of the boy's cheeks.
"U – Usagi!" Misaki stuttered. "You're not going to – Not here!"
Akihiko instantly caught on to Misaki's train of thoughts, producing a small, victorious smile. "Misaki," he breathed and bent over the bed to press his lips against Misaki's; a gentle, loving kiss unlike the rougher, more passionate ones he often subjected the boy to.
"Don't! Stop that, Usgai-san!" Misaki roughly pushed him away all the same, but still he remained undaunted.
"I promised Misaki and I'm going to keep that promise!" he declared.
Although he would have usually protested to such bold declarations of faith, Misaki simply blushed, looking strangely resentful of the pledge, and swiftly changed the subject by asking; "Will Nii-chan come back soon?"
Akihiko slid back in his chair. He had been perhaps a little too caught up in Misaki that he had almost forgotten that Takahiro's stay in Osaka was not permanent. He wondered what Takahiro would think of this recent change of events.
"Yes, next week," he nodded.
Misaki nodded mutely, and Akihiko did nothing to fill the gap of silence between them. He leaned into the back of his chair, thoughtfully observing the boy's impassive face.
What did he really see during those awful therapy sessions? He wondered. Why did that crash happen? If not for that Misaki could have grown up able-bodied, gone to university, made friends, got a job, led a normal life.
Yet would he have met Misaki if the crash had never happened? Akihiko shook his head to rid himself of such selfish thoughts. Even if they would never meet, he would rather Misaki could live a happy, normal life than be like this. Even if it was a life without him in it, if Misaki could be happy then that would have been enough. Why did things like this have to happen?
"Things don't always need a reason to happen. Sometimes things don't have a meaning, they just happen." Misaki had said
And he was right. Akihiko knew that Misaki was probably right, but, even so, it just seemed too cruel.
Thanks for reading and I must thank everyone for sticking with this fic so far. Yes, it is coming to an end so...big things in the next few chapters. Please look forward to it.
