A/N: I tried to watch season 7 – Wentworth should lower me into the grave so it can let me down one last time. This wrote itself out of spite, at first, then it turned into something more. I wanted to give this story the closure it deserved. Open-ended just felt…natural. It was an honor to have you on board, guys. :) In the legendary words of one Bea Smith: "That's it. I'm done."
P.S. Inspired by this prompt by its-just-a-writers-thing on Tumblr: "You almost died, you idiot." /"Well, let's just say I'd do anything for you. Even die."
"Novak for you, governor." – Smiles announced in her trademark, unenthusiastic voice, holding the door open for a frantic looking Allie who was one breath away from passing out, shifting her weight from one leg to the other in a hysteric frenzy.
She could have ripped that door apart herself if they made her wait a damn second longer.
"Thank you, Ms. Miles." – Vera answered, dutifully, before facing the prisoner's shifting frame. The governor's gaze barely managed to trace her swift movements - in a heartbeat, Allie was already plopped down on the chair, tapping her foot rhythmically to the floor.
"So, what can I do for you, Novak? I heard you've been rattling all the guards and causing chaos just so one of them would bring you here."
"Yes, Vin-, I mean governor. Before you slot me, can you please just tell me why I wasn't allowed to see Bea at all this week? No one's tellin' me anythin', alright, and I…I need to see her, okay, I need to—" – Allie pleaded, running an angry hand through her hair and biting down hard on her bottom lip, her gestures even more hectic than before.
A sympathetic, barely there smile created a visible dent in Vera Bennett's professional façade. You'd have to be made of stone not to react, even momentarily, to a heart-wrenching sight like this one.
"Please, I love her, I'm losing my mind." – the prisoner added in a shaky voice, her lip quivering as her eyes turned glassy. She unconsciously fumbled with the soaked sleeves of her teal hoodie again, looking for some semblance of calm…
And failing.
The state of her clothing, her current mannerisms and her blood-shot eyes said it all - it didn't take a genius to figure out this wasn't the first time Allie cried today.
Vera Bennett was a tough governor, but a fair one all the same. She wasn't made of stone, not by a long-shot. Which was why she took a deep breath and decided to take a huge risk, hoping it wouldn't come to bite her tenfold later.
"Okay, Novak, calm down. Can I get you anything? Water?" – Vera asked, handling a barely held together Allie a packet of tissues.
"I'm fine, governor. Thank you." – the broken younger woman let out a faint, absent whisper, looking out the window in deep thought, like she was going somewhere, anywhere but here. She was trying to calm down, steady herself.
She was gazing at the sky.
She hadn't realized when and how it became her happy place, but it did. She never saw the seahorses again and she's been searching every single day, lying on her back, watching the clouds shifting shape and floating aimlessly for minutes upon minutes. No luck this time, either.
"The reason you've been forbidden to see Smith is because…we're trying to keep a lid on things." – Vera explained, cautiously, treading lightly around the subject like Allie was a ticking time bomb that could go off at the slightest wrong move.
The blonde's eyes immediately turned from the window to face her own.
"Things? What things? I'm not following-"
"Smith is awake."
"What?"
Allie's mouth fell wide open as a visible shudder took over her body. Not a second later, every last one of her numb senses awoke too, with the force of a tornado, the sound of those three words still buzzing in her ears long after they were verbalized. She couldn't have heard…that right.
"She's no longer in a coma."
"What?"
She repeated again, jumping from her seat like an arrow, too frenetic to even register (or care) about the obvious risk of getting slotted, before towering over the governor's smaller frame and slamming her hands on her desk, desperately searching every inch of her face for…answers.
"H-how…w-when? I don't…I don't understand-"
Every last one of her words came out with a staccato rhythm, each weaker than the other, until Allie choked on that last whisper alltogether.
She couldn't breathe. She couldn't move.
Vera reached for her station and, not a breath later, Will Jackson walked in who was assigned to guard the door from the other side. It didn't take him more than a look to put and two together. He crossed the room in one motion, grabbing Allie's shoulders in an attempt to ground her.
She was having a panic attack.
"Novak, Novak, look at me." – he pressed on, urging the younger woman to focus on him, nothing else.
It didn't work.
"Just take a deep breath, okay, we'll do it together." – Will tried again, calmly, rubbing circles on her forearms in a soothing manner. "That's it."
The absent blue-eyed woman weakly followed the instructions, breathing in as much as her still fragile lungs allowed, before a violent coughing fit struck her. What felt like an eternity later, she put up a dismissive hand in the air, followed by "I'm fine, I'm fine.", not convincing either of them.
Even in her shocked, disconcerted state, it wasn't lost on her that Will Jackson was still here. And judging by his face, he had to know something. He had to be in on this too. Allie's already jagged, halfway put together heart dropped in her chest even more but she was too busy nearly hyperventilating to focus on that.
She needed answers.
Now.
"H-how is…how is Bea awake? Since when? Why won't you let me see her, please-"– she questioned with urgency, desperation and sheer rage like no other bursting from under every word.
If she wasn't overpowered by the weight of a million thoughts and feelings raging on, pressing on every inch of her all at once, from her cluttered brain down to her ravaged heart, she would have ripped these two to shreds for keeping her away from Bea, all consequences be damned.
"Have a seat, Novak." – Vera commanded, maintaining her usual, professional and detached tone, a visible contrast to the lingering empathy in her eyes. This time, Allie complied, crossing her arms defensively. "Smith woke up two days ago."
It wasn't lost on either of them that Allie's hand balled into a fist by her side instantly. And it wasn't long before vicious anger and resentment came along for the ride.
"And you kept me here? You didn't say a word? She woke up alone with…with no one to hold her hand? Y-you fucking heartless monsters—"
"Okay, Novak, that's two strikes already. One more strike and that's two weeks in the slot. Do you want that?" – Will warned, sternly, as Allie reluctantly sat back down, biting her tongue to stop herself from saying anything else, still basking in stifled anger and…hurt.
"We're keeping a lid on things. Smith is still in a precarious condition and there are plenty of people who wouldn't hesitate to attack her when she's at her weakest. Do you want that, Novak?" – Vera tried to reason with the agitated prisoner again, switching tactics to appeal to her emotional side, hoping it would get her to play ball.
They would need her.
"No…of course not. But no one's gonna touch her ever again, I swear on my life, they'd have to go through me first—"
"No one's life will be put at risk again…"– Vera interjected yet again, aiming for composed and put-together, but only halfway managing. "Not while I'm in charge. Which is why, if you want to see Smith again and soon, you're going to have to play by our rules. We're going to need you to work with us."
By this point, Allie would do anything to see Bea, even if it meant helping the screws or the governor or even the fucking devil.
"What do you need me to do?"
"You can't tell a single soul. We're already taking a huge risk telling you this now – I hope you realize that if you do, you could jeopardize her life. Do you understand that, Novak?"
Allie nodded mutely, feeling a knot steadily rising in her throat. She failed to protect Bea once – if she was given a do-over, she wouldn't fail twice in a row. She'd rather die herself than allow that to ever happen again.
"Yes."
"Good. Now, Smith is going to be kept under strict medical supervision for at least 3 weeks. After that, she will go through physical therapy. She won't be able to walk on her own for a while. We want to keep her in medical for as long as possible and only move her back into general when she's made a full recovery. We need you to keep this a secret – not even Proctor can know, no one can know. There's respect and support for Smith now but that can always change and we can't risk any retaliation, given the history of this place. In exchange, we will arrange visits for you at night, after everyone is asleep. But you will have to be discreet about it – Mr. Jackson will escort you. Those are the terms, Novak, non-negotiable. Do you copy?"
"Yes…" – Allie replied with a slight delay, still processing everything she was just told. "I'll do anything you ask. I promise. You can trust me. I just, I need to see her, I'm beggin' you—"
The Governor and Mr. Jackson shared a look, nonverbally planning their next course of action together. Mr. Jackson sent an approving nod in the governor's direction, before they both turned towards an anxious Allie who was now chewing on her nails, unaware of her own behavior.
"First things first, Novak. Now, I'm going to make an exception out of good faith and not slot you this time because you are willing to work with us, but you will still be punished – you got two weeks of extra work – laundry and kitchen – for your inappropriate behavior towards the guards. Repeat that offense again and you will get slotted."
"I understand. I won't, I promise. I'll clean up the whole prison if you want but please, please let me see her. I'll-" – Allie trailed off, wracking her brain in search of even more bargaining chips. "I'll do anything. Add 50 more years to my sentence, I don't care but will you just-"
"You can see her tonight, after the count."
Allie's face lighting up like a Christmas tree and that nearly extinguished spark in her eye flickering again could have warmed the coldest heart in the world. So much so that the slightest trace of a smile appeared on the Governor's face too.
"R-really?"
"I'm taking a huge risk for you, Novak, don't make me regret it. Remember – she's under a heavy dose of sedatives and painkillers so we don't know if she'll be up. But you can still talk to her, just don't rattle her too much."
"I won't, I won't." – the blonde exhaled in pure relief, her eyes filling with a different set of tears this time. She didn't even bother to wipe them, she didn't care. "Thank you so much, governor. For the record, I think you're one of the good ones."
It was then that Allie stopped her anxious pacing just enough to realize something - thishad to be the first time she breathed normally since walking in here – as normally as her still fragile lungs allowed.
"No flattery necessary, Novak. Just hold on to your end of the bargain and we won't have a problem. We're done here." – Vera Bennett said with finality in her tone, nodding in Will's direction, as he escorted a much calmer (and happier) Allie out of her office.
A goofy smile flashed across the prisoner's face for a second, before she straightened her shoulders, looked far ahead and let it fall on purpose. She had a mask to put on and perfect from now on – she was determined to keep this a secret, for Bea's sake. The hardest one to evade would surely be Kaz. But Allie could move past the guilt and manage that – she wouldn't suspect a thing.
She would manage anything for her.
True to her promise, she did just that, passing the first test with flying colors. She walked back to her cell slowly, already picturing every detail about tonight on the way, all the while doing her best not to let a single trace of excitement show. When she reached her unit, she breezed past Kaz, offering her a weak smile, before locking the door and crashing on the bed with a heavy, charged exhale. She finally felt this huge weight she's been carrying around for weeks slowly get lifted off her shoulders…
She hadn't even realized how heavy the load's been and how hard it's been pushing on her until it gradually crumbled then dissipated into nothing. With more breathing space to compose herself and think now, her brief solace was soon replaced by even more shock and utter disbelief than before, maybe blended with a touch of denial, too.
She couldn't believe Bea was alive.
Her Bea.
Away from prying eyes, in the confines of this much too small and empty space, she finally allowed herself to cry again, clutching that red blanket on her bed to her chest like a lifeline. It didn't bring the woman who wore it like a badge of honor any closer to her…but it was a start.
It would have to do. For now.
It managed to ground her, even if only for a moment. Because she could still feel Bea's scent etched onto every piece of fabric. Or maybe the scent was so burned in the back of her mind that she couldn't let it go, couldn't forget it even if she wanted to. Days could pass, weeks could pass, years could pass and she would always feel her right there, lingering on every space and every corner, drowning her senses like she never even left.
And maybe she did leave, but she always knew in her heart that she would return. Everyone else might have given up on her but Allie never could.
She didn't know how much time she actually spent crying, weeping even, until all she had were soft whimpers and then…nothing but calm.
And silence. For once, neither felt deafening or suffocating.
She welcomed the new, peaceful sensation, still holding that red blanket protectively in her hands with a barely there grasp, all the fight and fire in her slowly, but surely, dying off. Those beautiful drawings on top deserved any kind of treatment but her tears messing up every finely traced line but …she couldn't help it.
She couldn't waitany longer. It was all she still had to do.
It proved to be easier said than done.
These final hours passed by agonizingly slow. She couldn't remember what she ate or even if she did. She couldn't remember if it was rainy or sunny or cloudy outside today. She couldn't remember a single word of what Kaz said to her or any of the other women, still trying to instill hope and faith in her, graciously failing to realize one thing:
She always had hope and faith. She always knew that Bea would beat this, too. Because she was a fighter, she was the strongest woman she knew.
It was longing that drove her insane.
That's what this was. She longed to hold her again, kiss her again, trace her every feature with her own two eyes just to make sure this wasn't a cruel dream, that it was real, that she was actually there, in the flesh, that she came back…
To her.
"Ready to go, Novak?"
She never thought she'd say this in a million years but hearing Mr. Jackson's gravely, but oddly soothing voice in her ear, snapping her out of her trance anchored her just the same. She couldn't believe it – she was actually growing fond of this man she considered competition not too long ago. She could see why Bea had a special bond with him now – he really was one of the good ones, as good as a place like this allowed.
"Always, Mr. Jackson."
Every shaky, wobbly step she took from her cell down the hall to Bea's hospital room matched her frantic heartbeats – she had to literally stop herself from running like a lunatic or drawing any unwanted attention. She didn't miss the soft, encouraging smile on Mr. Jackson's face that only slightly matched hers, as he stopped right at the door, holding it open for her.
Because it could never get close to the radiant smile she wore now and all the stories it told. Happiness felt so foreign, so out of place on her now.
"I'll give you some privacy…" – Mr. Jackson announced, before closing the door behind him. "If you need anything, I'm right outside."
The second she found herself on her own, Allie could have sworn she forgot how to walk, breathe like a normal person or even think. Her senses failed to process the nauseating smell of medicine that used to make her so sick when she laid on a very similar hospital bed not too long ago, the blinding lights that used to bother her so much or even that scratchy, steady beeping that used to drive her crazy.
None of it mattered now.
Her eyes darted straight to Bea's sleeping frame, too small and frail for that much too large bed, almost swallowing her whole. She didn't know how but…she still managed to fill every space with grace and strength, almost effortlessly.
Allie's heart skipped a beat on sight…or maybe twenty. Because Bea was stillbreathtakingly beautiful from where she was standing. She always has been.
She froze.
Her breathing returned to the staccato rhythm from before, as her heart fluttered, then picked up in tempo all the same. Her hands suddenly felt so clammy and her throat was so dry that no attempt to swallow that knot still stubbornly stuck in there seemed to do…anything.
After all this time, she still made her nervous.
Déjà-vu struck her like a sharp arrow to her every sense - no heads up whatsoever. It just dawned on her that everything about this felt like her first meeting with Bea all over again.
I'm Allie Novak.
If she didn't just relive that treasured memory down to the last detail, she was pretty sure she would have forgotten her own name, too. She cleared her throat, blinking once or twice to steady herself, then shook her head, before rushing to Bea's side like she would fall apart right there if she didn't.
Least her legsstill worked. Barely.
She absentmindedly grabbed a nearby chair with shaky, unpracticed, even clumsy movements, before sitting down by Bea's side. If she realized one thing by now, it was that she belonged there.
And she never belonged anywhere in her entire life.
"H-hey, beautiful…" – Allie sniffled slightly, grabbing hold of Bea's callous hand, her lips faintly ghosting over her skin. "It's me."
Those were all the words she could force out of her tense chest before the floodgates opened – no notice, no warning. She didn't know if it was seeing Bea after all this time or seeing her like this. Frail and pale and thin but warm, so warm.
Her tears fell like a heavy snowfall, engulfing everything in sight, from her blood-shot eyes to her ivory cheeks to Bea's hand that she was now holding with an iron grip.
"I… I missed you so much, I…"
She didn't even notice how hard she held onto it…until something shook it right back, a lot more gently, feather-light even, the contrast causing Allie's downcast eyes to shift immediately. She didn't catch the movement but she felt it.
Was it all in her head?
"A..Allie…?"
Allie's heart could have stopped right there.
For a moment, it did.
"Bea…? Can you hear me?"
A shiver traveled from her hand again down to her entire body, like she was struck by lightning. Whatever it was, it instantly shook her back to life.
"Y-yeah…Hi.."
Because all she's been doing for over a month now wassurvive…and hardly so. She thought she no longer even knew what living looked like anymore.
Until now.
"Hey…" – the younger woman exhaled softly, the knot in her throat tightening its grip on her even more. She gulped nervously, still so ill-equipped to deal with that look on her again. She forgot what it felt like. Now, more than ever, she ached for it to never go away.
"You're here. You're here." - Allie frantically jumped from her seat, throwing all caution to the wind, kissing Bea's temple and cheeks and every inch of her face that she could touch with her lips with ardent need and urgency, her still-falling tears soaking every space in their wake.
She was so lost in her fervor she only belatedly remembered Bea's injuries.
"Shit..I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, am I hurting you?" – Allie backpedaled, that sudden pang of regret and guilt snapping her out of her mesmerized state in an instant.
Bea's equally tired eyes zoomed in on Allie, her lips curving upwards weakly, as she attempted to readjust her position. The blonde didn't hurt her before but Bea's injuries were making her flinch now. The younger woman was so focused on her every gesture, she didn't miss a beat. She sprung into action immediately, rushing to her soulmate's side again, steadying her with a gentle touch on her back.
Allie never could stand the sight. From now on, she'd make sure "hurt" was a shade Bea would never have to wear. Ever again. Not while she was still alive and breathing.
"Y-you could never. Unless you start rapping again…"
Allie let out a ghost of a laugh through choked tears, the first trace of a real one. Because only Bea would make light of a situation like this.
"Then I won't…I promise."
As the blonde's pitiful attempt at laughter died down, she inched closer to Bea again. Her fingers brushed across the redhead's cheeks so cautiously and tenderly, like she was made of glass, following her every curve and scar in quiet wonder to make sure she was real all over again. It wasn't lost on her that Bea's breathing turned heavier, then hitched in her throat even more with every touch – because every tremble that took over her skin passed onto Allie, too.
She was shaking again. Like the first time she kissed her.
It's cold.
It's not cold.
Her heart monitor picked up in rhythm instantly and the faintest color rushed to her cheeks. The warmth of her skin and the light in her eyes was enough of an indicator that Allie wasn't dreaming. If she was, she'd destroy anyone who dared to wake her up right now.
"D-don't cry…"
Those words made her fall apart entirely. Because, after all this time, Bea still looked at her like that. After all this time, she still cared about her pain more. Even if she failed her. Even if she wasn't there when she needed her the most.
"I'm trying, I…I'd do anything you ask, you know that, don't you?" – Allie asked, almost hesitantly, whimpers still ravaging her, filling her entire chest with even more crushing guilt. "But I don't think I can stop…I can't believe you're here, I…God, I'm so sorry, Bea, I'm so sorry—"
I don't deserve you.
"You have to stop apologizing to me." – Bea's voice wavered all the same. She was so angry at her frail condition – because it only allowed her to manage a light, powerless squeeze of Allie's hand and a pained smile when she ached to do so much more.
"No, I have to, okay? I failed you, I—"
"You could never fail me." - the fragile redhead pressed on in concrete conviction, finally voicing the words she needed Allie to hear, more than she needed the very air she breathed. "And you didn't do anything wrong, okay?"
Not even the throbbing aches she felt everywhere, from her chest to her abdominal muscles could compare to the weight of the blonde's broken gaze boring into her own right now, wrecking everything in its path.
"This is on me, Allie, it was my decision."
She would have taken 10 screwdrivers over this any day.
"You almost died, you idiot.. " – the shattered blonde let out a choked sound between a laugh and a sob, her fingers brushing slightly along the curve of Bea's neck. The fact that she said it with absolutely no fire, just concern and affection made the redhead's heart skip a beat right there.
She was right before. It didn't matter whose heart she had – it only did that for her and because of her.
"Well, let's just say I'd do anything for you." – Bea voiced back with even more tenderness, lifting her arm with all the limited strength she still held, reaching out to wipe the tears still lingering in Allie's eyes with the back of her thumb.
The gesture only made more of them materialize out of thin air in those sky-blue orbs that she loved so much, those eyes that always saw too much in her. Allie's tears fell steadily onto every inch of her hand, one drop at a time, like a light summer shower.
"Even die."
It soon morphed into a waterfall.
"Don't even joke about that…it's not funny…" – her loaded glance dropped even more, as her heart clenched tightly with raging survivor's guilt, overpowering everything else.
How can she joke about this?
"Look at me." – Bea tilted her chin, forcing Allie's bloodshot eyes to inch upwards. What stared back at her was nothing but sheer love and adoration, that heartbreakingly beautiful view causing a pained grimace to settle on Allie's face instantly.
"You are everything to me, do you know that?"
This time, she had to shut her eyes, not bearing a sight she never deserved, her bottom lip quivering even more.
"So if I didn't have you, I had nothing, no reason to be here."
She couldn't hear it, either.
The conflicted younger woman choked on her tears even more. By this point, it was a wonder she still had any left. She reluctantly leaned into Bea's touch this time, needing to feel her there, breathe her in. But everything inside of her still rejected the words.
"I don't regret it, Allie, I know that's what you want to hear but I won't lie to you. I'm not sorry for what I did. I would do it all over again if it kept you safe."
They hurt too much. She wasn't worthy of a singleone.
"What about you? Who keeps you safe? - Allie shot back with an unexpected rush of anger, this time leaning back just enough for Bea to see her face clearly as she said it.
She needed to know too. She had to listen.
"You never even gave me the choice." – Allie cut in again, with even more force. By the time the younger woman heard the resentment in her own voice, she faltered, dramatically.
She'd make her listen, if she had no other option.
"I couldn't. "
Bea's honest, strangled answer only aggravated the blonde's anger – she had no right, no idea where it was even coming from but it did – in steady waves.
"Why? Why do you get to be the tragic hero—"
"Because I love you."
Allie blinked rapidly, as a soft gasp tore out of her, the sound of those tragically perfect words taking all of her previous fire and fury with it, one labored breath at a time.
"I love you." – Bea repeated, steadier, like a mantra. "So that makes it my choice."
The blonde's earlier fire fizzled out even more, spark by spark until there was nothing left of her but a soft, entranced smile and a million questions looming above her.
"I'm still not sorry for what I did…I'm sorry that I hurt you. You have to know it's the last thing I would ever do -"
"Never scare me like that again." – a much calmer, serene Allie whispered, resting her forehead against Bea's, counting her every fragile exhale, before placing a soft, lingering kiss on her lips. "Because I love you too. And when I thought I lost you, I might as well have died too."
"I'm not..I'm not going anywhere now…ever, okay?" – the readhead spoke in a breathy, hoarse tone, her lips still tingling, already missing the sensation. She forgot what it felt like, everything it did to her. She had so much catching up to do. "We're linked together…like seahorses. Wherever you go, I follow."
"Good thing we're in prison, huh? No one's going anywhere." – Allie joked…but it wasn'ther joke. She would've given anything to be anywhere but here.
"Good thing we're in prison." – Bea voiced back, weakly, mirroring her thoughts to a T. The fact that this beautiful woman was still trying to make her laugh when nothing about this whole situation was even in the neighborhood of funny made her feel like a giddy, dumbstruck teenager.
Because no one would ever do that for her….but Allie.
No one even assumed she'd need it.
"So, Bea….about that rap thing, is that still off the table?" – Allie asked, a teasing smirk settling on her face, as she lovingly tucked a loose curl behind Bea's ear.
"Bring some earplugs next time and we have a deal." – the frail redhead teased back then hesitated, as realization flashed across her eyes. "There will be a….a next time, right? You will be back?"
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be. You're stuck with me so…" – Allie's voice faltered on purpose, as a sneaky glint appeared in her eyes. In a flash, her hands were already on both sides of Bea's face, drawing her in gently and carefully. This time, every brush of her lips was slower, more calculated, longer, filled with nothing but hushed promises and devotion. "Sucks to be you, I'm never letting you out of my sight—"
Satisfied that she made her point, she pulled away, leaving a stunned, mesmerized redhead to pick up the pieces of her fallen jaw…and failing.
"Well that won't be a pretty sight for you." - Bea joked a million years later, her eyes shifting to her own frame, self-consciously. She had to look terrible. She felt terrible, physically – weak and scrawny, too. Goodbye muscle tone. Not the time to be vain but…
"You're right." – Allie voiced her (apparent) approval…before planting another languid, loving kiss on Bea's forehead. "It'll be a very beautiful sight."
"Doubt it."
"You're lucky you're injured or I would've injured you myself for that."
Mr. Jackson clearing this throat in a polite interruption (but interruption, nonetheless) couldn't have come at a worse time.
"I'm sorry, Novak, time's up." - he announced, sending an apologetic smile in Bea's direction, too. She reciprocated, only barely. "Looking good, Smith, even got some color in those cheeks now."
Bea gasped softly, then covered her entire blushing face in her hands, before burying her head in the crook of Allie's neck. The smitten blonde could have fallen in love with her all over again – maybe a part of her did. Because she couldn't have looked more adorable even if she tried.
"Thanks, Mr. Jackson. You don't look too shabby yourself."
"This place keeps you young and happy, huh?" – he chuckled and twin, goofy smiles greeted him in perfect sync.
Allie alsochuckled stealthily under her breath – she was pretty sure she aged 20 years in these last few weeks. That light thought was short lived, though – she had other, more important things to do.
She briskly turned towards a clueless Bea once again, almost on cue, not in the least embarrassed by Mr. Jackson's presence, like her other, more jittery half seemed to be.
Other half…
She liked the sound of that.
Without a word, she rushed to Bea's side and kissed her with all the love she had bursting in her chest right now that wouldn't let her breathe. She didn't know if it was because shy was one of her favorite shades of Bea or even the lingering relief she felt or this growing, crushing need to show her, somehow, that she'd do better this time.
"I love you. I'll be back, soon, okay? Don't wander too far.." - she added, pulling away from Bea's lips just enough to squeeze her hand in reassurance once again.
Maybe it was all of the above.
"W-where would I even go, Allie? Prison, remember?" – a dazed redhead barely stuttered back, everything in her, from her lips down to her toes vibrating with jitters from the aftermath of that kiss. It was different from all the times Allie kissed her before – she didn't know what changed but something did.
It wasn't a bad change. It only left her aching for more.
"See you soon."
It was the only string of words she could muster that would make this sound and feel like less of a goodbye.
"I love you, too."
As Allie's frame faded from view, Bea exhaled dreamily, staring out the window, feeling…lighter. And hopeful.
That's what this was. It was so unfamiliar, but a welcome brand of unfamiliar nonetheless.
Because she couldn't remember the last time she didn't dread the dawn of a new morning since getting locked-up in here.
She couldn't remember the last time she looked forward to anything other than lay her head down and hide from the world.
She couldn't remember the last time she not only felt alive but wanted to stay alive, too.
Or maybe it all started when Allie caught her arm and didn't let go when the entire world did.
Maybe it started when Allie kissed her and breathed life into her when all she really knew how to do was survive.
It's cold.
It's not cold.
She didn't know why her thoughts led her back to that day again and again like there was a coded message to be deciphered, hidden in plain sight. Every last one of the flashing images in her mind hit her with this odd sense of déjà-vu that she couldn't shake.
Unlike everything that ever struck her, this didn't hurt.
Because this time, she wasn't urging her heart to stop hammering so loudly, to go back to its quiet, composed, numb state from before. From now on, she would always welcome the throbbing echo traveling from her ribcage to her ears, knowing that every certain and steady beat of her heart would always spell Allie's name like it was meant to beat just for her.
Prison, remember?
It didn't feel like one anymore.
