Prompt: Home alone- humour, based on the movie home alone: Arthur and Gwen are home alone and have to defend their home against crooks

Home Alone – PG – Drama/Humor – Modern AU, implied sex

Arthur shifted and punched the pillow beneath his head for the fifth time in as many minutes. He angrily pictured Guinevere, curled comfortably in their large king-sized bed upstairs. He could not even remember what had prompted his enraged stomp downstairs to his study, but now he was stretched out on the long leather sofa and desperately trying to sleep without his wife in his arms.

It was the week between Christmas and New Year. The Pendragon-Thomas children were skiing for a few days with the Grandies, as their seven-year old called his and her fathers together. After twelve years of raising three children, Arthur knew he should be taking as much advantage of their time alone together as possible. And yet, here he was – in the basement, in disgrace, and AWAY from his wife. Life was horrible – he was never going to get to sleep.

Upstairs, Gwen flopped onto her back. The bed felt so empty and cold without her husband's muscular warm length stretched next to her. She couldn't believe that he was so angry about her taking a spa day tomorrow. After all, she thought she had made it clear that some extra grooming was going to make for a memorable evening tomorrow. She had thought it would be fun, something special to punch up their few days sans children, sans work while their offices closed for the holidays.

'They couldn't spend *every* minute together, could they? Especially if he would not bring himself to enter a spa.' She would end up killing him if she could not do some of the things she wanted to; not unlike the brief screaming match they had just had an hour ago. After sixteen years of marriage, they should both know better than to pursue an argument right before bed-time when both of them were tired and more apt to be cranky.

A scuffling noise from the laundry room down the hall, shot her bolt upright in bed. She realized that the noises had actually been going on for several minutes. She had just been so deep in her funk, it had not impinged on her consciousness earlier. 'Arthur wouldn't be going outside, would he? Where was Arthur? Was someone trying to break in?'

Gwen crept from the bed, her long nightgown swirling around her, her feet silent on the hardwood floor in the thick socks she had donned after Arthur had stormed out earlier. She grabbed the aluminum baseball bat, just in case. She tamped down on the frisson of annoyance that he had left it leaning in the corner again. If there really was a burglar, now was not the time for that.

Outside the laundry room door, Gwaine tried again to get the hidden key into the door lock.

Next to him, Merlin blearily leaned against the shingled wall, "Why are we here, Gwaine? Why didn't we just go home?"

"'Cause the Pendragon fam-damily is away skiing, and their house is waaaaay closer than our place. I'm not stumbling another couple miles, just to sleep in my own bed. Which stinks by the way. Mate, y'got to do laundry sometime this century. I swear, the piles could gain sentience and eat us, they've gotten that big."

Merlin pouted, "I hate laundry. And we didn't have to stumble, we coulda called a taxi, you silly git."

"Nah, spent all my cash on booze. And if Lancelo' wasn' going to lend me any more, that wasn' goin' ta happen."

"Lancelot wanted to take you home himself."

"No, he didn't." Gwaine looked almost sober for a few seconds, while contemplating his hot friend's intentions. "He still secretly wants Gwen."

He fumbled with the key again. "And Gwen's been married to Mr. Perfect for the last few decades. Hey mate, why don' we find our true loves and settle down to happily ever after?"

Merlin exaggeratedly swung his head towards Gwaine, "'Cause mine died and you're too dumb to give anyone a fighting chance to woo you. Hurry it up, man, I'm freezing. And if I'm cold with this much alcohol in me, that's a bad thing."

Gwen could see the faint silhouette of one head through the window on the utility door. Thank goodness, the burglar had not just broken the window, but was instead trying to pick the lock. She backed into the hallway, intent on the phone in the kitchen.

Suddenly the handle turned and the door swept open. A man about her height, reeking of beer and smoke, stumbled in. She screamed and swung her bat, unfortunately just hitting the washer at her side in the narrow space.

Scream. Gwen. Stairs. Gwen. Kitchen. Gwen. Hallway.

Arthur saw Gwen's silhouette in front of the laundry room door, baseball bat held in front of her. He skidded on stocking feet between her and danger, grabbing the bat. Turning towards the intruders, he pressed her back against the wall.

"Wait! Stop!" The lights flashed on, momentarily blinding him. As his vision cleared, he saw Gwaine standing hands up, palms out. Merlin stood behind him with one hand on the switch, one hand outstretched towards him in the universal halt sign.

"Gwaine! Merlin! What are you doing here?" Gwen popped out from behind his back. Arthur stood frozen and mute, adrenaline still coursing through his veins. His fear for Gwen's safety changed to anger at his stupid, irresponsible, inconsiderate, crazy, drunken mates.

Neither Gwaine nor Merlin moved, their eyes still on Arthur. Merlin answered Gwen's question, "Gwen, sorry that we scared you. We thought you were gone for the week and your place is closer than ours to the RT bar."

"That's okay. The kids went skiing, but we decided to stay home. You can crash here if you want, but you'll have to take a shower. I'll get you towels and clothes in a just a moment." Arthur could tell that Gwen was using her deliberately peppy voice. She turned to him and started to pry his fingers from the bat. When he shifted his gaze down to her face, she smiled gently up at him, her eyes worried. He could feel Gwaine and Merlin relax as he turned; he was still hyperaware of what he considered the threat.

Once Gwen had successfully taken the bat from him, she led him by the hand down the hallway to their bedroom. She closed the door behind them and Arthur finally felt himself relax. But all his adrenaline needed to go somewhere, and he turned his focus to his wife. She met his kisses enthusiastically, stripping them both efficiently.

"I think they're having post-battle sex." Gwaine wandered into the living room.

"Shut up, Gwaine. I don't want to think about it. And don't SIT on ANYTHING!"

"Aw, c'mon, Merlin. Gwen will never know - she's otherwise occupied right now."

"Gwaine, man, she'll know. You stink and she'll smell it all over her nice clean house. How many fags did you have tonight? And after you swore that you were going cold-turkey?"

"Fine. I'm not sitting. She'd probably sic Arthur on me if she did find out. My gawd, Merlin, did you SEE his FACE?"

"Yeah, Gwaine. I NEVER want to be on the receiving end of that again." Merlin had always known that Arthur loved Gwen, but he just had not observed any overt signs of it for a while. At least he had not seen any signs besides the obvious not-running-and-screaming after the incessant daily chaos of raising three rambunctious children while holding down full-time jobs. But now burned into his brain was a picture of a towering Arthur defending his mate Gwen: weapon raised, muscles tense, eyes steely.

Merlin wandered back into the kitchen after Gwaine, bemusedly watching him stretch out on the tile floor.

"Ahhhh. There's nothing like radiant heat to comfort cold tushies. C'mon, Merlin, pull up some floor. They're going to be a while."

Gwen pressed herself into her husband's broad chest, feeling Arthur's thudding heart against her cheek.

"Guinevere," he gasped in her ear, "If you ever, ever confront an intruder again, I am going to… I am going to… I don't know what… Gwen, don't DO that.

"OK, Arthur. It's okay. It was Gwaine and Merlin. They weren't going to hurt me, hurt us."

"Guin-e-vere. You didn't know that. Come get me. I don't care if we just fought or whatever. I don't ever want to lose you. I love you." He tightened his arms protectively around her.

She sighed and snuggled sleepily underneath his chin. "I know. I love you too. Go get the boys towels and clothes, and then come back to me."

He gently rolled her off of him and stood up, pulling on his clothes. He padded out, throwing over his shoulder, "Your wish is my command, my love."

The next morning, Arthur poured himself a cup of coffee and added milk to Gwen's mug of tea. He could hear the snores of Gwaine and Merlin, only slightly muted by the bedroom doors.

"Maybe I could accompany you to your spa day?" he asked his cheerful wife as she bounced into the kitchen. Really good sex always made her especially giggly.

She turned to him, surprised, "What? Arthur Pendragon in a spa."

He replied, "Arthur Pendragon just wants to spend time with his wife. If she's going to be in a spa, then he'll be happy to accompany her."

Gwen laughed up at him, "You just want to escape the snoring."

Arthur gazed down at his beautiful wife and snugged her close, arms around her waist. "No, I want to spend time with my wife. But I can't deny that getting away from the farm animals is a bonus. Let me go with you."

"If you want to, I think it would be fun to have you come too." She reached up for a kiss, then twirled away. "Let me just get my purse and we can order breakfast during the first treatment." Gwen was halfway to the hall when she spun around again with a sudden thought. "But what about…"

Arthur wrinkled his nose at her, "Oh, let's just leave them. They may act like children, but they know where everything is. They'll be fine home alone."

A/N: Cue ominous music. Dun-dun-dun-duuuunnnn... :)