Day Nine
The Mistletoe Misery
"Mistletoe is just a plant. A parasitic evergreen to be specific. It sticks to soft bark trees and grows there like any other plant grows elsewhere. It's produced by a seed, so growing them is a process of finding a tree to stick them to, but that hardly makes it a special thing. Given this information, I'm failing to understand why the fuck you're hanging it from a doorway and how this has anything to do with kissing."
"Well, it's nice to see Captain Buzzkill has decided to come to the party," Lavi chuckled and came down from the ladder that had taken him up to the place he had carefully stuck the traditional plant. It was no surprise that Kanda Yuu, the resident plant expert, would find this to be a silly thing. To him, it was hanging a severed plant without any real purpose. After all, there was no way he was adhering to such a ridiculous thing.
To Kanda, this was optional and completely ignorable. The only reason he'd even acknowledged Lavi placing it was largely due to Lenalee essentially slapping him on the wrist for nearly kicking the ladder out from under him. There was no convincing Kanda that it wasn't earned, though. Lavi's dumb idea was placed in the worst location, where there was no other exit from the room and people would need to enter.
The cafeteria wasn't even safe anymore, apparently. Fortunately, Kanda wasn't going to play this silly game like the others he could hear who were laughing and giggling at each other like children. To hell with that. It's not like it could be enforced if he pretended it didn't exist. Not to mention, who was really going to be so adamant on it?
"Looks good up there," Lavi grinned and stepped back. "This'll be fun." Mischievous hands clapped together right around the time that Allen stepped in front of Lavi, confused and probably wondering what was wrong with the redhead this time.
"Lavi?"
"Heya Allen," Lavi's infectious smile seemed to only spread across his face and Kanda wondered if that could be classified as a disease by that point. "Have you ever heard of mistletoe?"
Kanda groaned inward. It appeared that Lavi was actually going to hang around and make a thing of this and Kanda was doomed to watch because of bargaining he'd made with Lenalee. It was promised, back at that embarrassing moment when he'd been damned eternally into taking a photo for the sick bastards' amusements, that if he cooperated long enough for one picture he would be released from multiple takes and poses. Unfortunately, that deal also included that he attend the Christmas Party for at least an hour. He could work with that and he's agreed to it and sworn his word on it.
That didn't stop Lenalee from tagging behind him and making one hundred percent certain that he held his end.
"Yeah, that's that holiday flower that people kiss under right?" Allen answered with that innocent face that suggested he was too thick in the head to realize that Lavi was actually making a hint and not asking a legitimate question.
"Yup, that's right buddy. And you're standing under one right now~!" The taller man pointed upward with one gloved hand and hooked his arm around Allen's shoulders with the free arm, bringing him teasingly close. Allen stared at Lavi, and then looked up and a brief moment of panic flickered on his face. "So give me a big ol' smooch, Beansprout."
Before Allen could even utter the protest against being called a beansprout, Kanda had already reached behind him—snatching the nearest item off the table and hurling it mercilessly in Lavi's direction. There was no way he was about to watch that moron kissing another moron. It was not happening and it certainly wasn't because Allen was his territory. That wasn't how it worked. It was just a matter of not wanting to see those two ever close enough for there to be affection of any sort—fake or not—involved. That would be like watching Marie and his late teammate Daisya kiss. A thought that nearly made him curl his nose in disgust.
"Ow!" The resounding cry of an orange to the face had escape Lavi and Allen had snuck away from him in that time. One green eye focused over to Kanda and Lavi attempted a pout at Kanda—only to have it brushed off like it wasn't a thing he gave a rat's ass about. "No need to be so mean Yuu. If you didn't want me smoochin' yer man, you should have just said so—AH!" Lavi scrambled away from the door and turned to hide behind the safety of the wall next to the open door. "Yuu…It was a joke, come on!"
"Jokes are supposed to be fucking funny, you third rate loser," Kanda hissed like he was spitting poison—still half standing with the next available fruit in his hand to throw if Lavi decided to press his luck.
"I thought it was hilarious. Come on, you're not homophobic are you?"
Kanda wanted to throw the fruit and very badly. The most ironic question asked to the least likely person to have homophobic tendencies. Of course, homophobia wasn't uncommon. The fact that they knew more and came from different walks of life was what really left everyone in the Order more open and respectful toward differences in people. Even if Kanda came off as harsh, he wasn't a person to ask something stupid like that and Lavi knew it. He knew it well. This brought Kanda to being suspicious and his eyes turned on Lenalee—who was a lot more observant than the majority of people around her.
"Kanda, why are you looking at me like that?"
"Did you fucking tell him?" He whispered harshly and out of earshot of everyone else. He was sitting flush next to her—forgoing the seats and sitting on the table with their feet propped up on the chairs.
"No, I promise! I didn't!" She waved her hands defensively in front of her—earning a curious glance from Allen. "I wouldn't do that to you and you know it."
"Is everything okay?"
"Yes. Yes it's fine!"
"It'll be more fine, when I pummel a redhead," Kanda grumbled, mood crushed at the thought that Lavi even had a slight chance of catching on. He slid off the table top before Lenalee could protest and Allen didn't even try. The fair haired younger partner wasn't entirely opposed to letting Kanda do what Kanda did best. Lavi had been practically asking for it with antics that involved complete desecration of personal space—and smooching random strangers was personal space desecration at its finest.
Kanda didn't bother to hurry and he sauntered toward Lavi, knowing the poor bastard was too dumb to run before Kanda got there. Perhaps he wasn't dumb as much as really didn't believe that Kanda would break his spine if he was given the chance.
It was also highly possible that Kanda had been blind to Lavi's cunning plot to get the man in the doorway. Lavi had every intention to play up this tradition, but when he was scorned the entire time, it made him want to turn it into something like torture for the one person who wouldn't play nice and have fun with a thing that was just there for holiday cheer. "Mistletoe!" Lavi called from just out of the door and waited for Kanda to run into the person he didn't see from where he was coming from.
The look of horror that passed the Asian man's face had been more worth it than he could express and even if Lavi died the horrible death he was expecting, he would be laughing. It helped immensely that the other person standing under the doorway was someone who was more than willing to give Kanda the hardest time possible.
"Oh Yuu. What a pleasant surprise. I see you're out of your hole this year and greeting me like a good son," a pleasant faced elder man seemed to sparkle a pleased aura and that only made Kanda shrink back and all but hiss. The man looked up; taking note of the mistletoe and bringing his gaze back down toward Kanda. "Oh my, what a predicament."
Allen, watching this unfold, almost started crying from how hard he was fighting back the laughter that he wanted to howl. There was Kanda, fearsome and unrelenting, nearly curling into the fetal position from the implication that Tiedoll made when his understanding fell over their positions in the doorway.
"Nope," Kanda blurted and turned on a heel before Tiedoll could snatch him into the hug that was attempted. "Nope. Nope. Nope." Without any regard for the others, Kanda returned to the table, effortlessly hopping over the tabletop and finding his seat on the stool—facing away from them purposefully. His arms folded in front of him and he all but sulked.
"Kanda?" Lenalee turned and poked at his ponytail lightly. "Are you okay?"
"He's probably still thinking about making out with General Tiedoll," Allen snickered in place of Kanda's initial response—which earned him another fruit thrown in his direction this time.
"Suck my dick, beansprout. I'm not playing into that stupid shit. You all can have your holiday dumbfuckery in my absence." Clenching his fists, Kanda stood again and made a careful check of the doorway. Tiedoll had already passed, probably musing over the antics of his younger student. It was like Tiedoll to give him a hard time in any way he could and Kanda wouldn't doubt the man likely to actually leave a wet sloppy one on his cheek for the effect. A thought that was just short of traumatizing.
"Kanda…Hey, wait!"
"No, damn it," Kanda seethed and turned to cast the death glare at Allen, "I'm leaving this ridiculousness."
"But—."
"Mistletoe!"
Kanda spun back to the sound of Lavi's voice, feeling the onset of a migraine beginning and he really just wanted to escape as swiftly as possible. It appeared, however, that there was a brick wall of a man in the way and the flash of deep red immediately made him step back.
"You may look like a little girl, but I'm sure as hell not kissing you," the masculine voice made Kanda want to crawl his nails down someone's back just to give them pain equivalent to his annoyance level. "Unless you're a girl after all, in which case, I wouldn't be entirely too surprised."
Cross Marian. This man was nothing short of Kanda's most hated arch nemesis and probably for the dumbest of reasons. This man had been the first to figure out the connection he had with Allen and he was unrelenting in reminding him that he looked like a girl, acted like a girl, probably took it like a girl and whatever else he could think of to turn him into an acceptable wife for Allen. It was essentially Cross being a dick about it and acknowledging it without having the decency to congratulate Allen on getting laid and leave it at that. He had to rub it in mercilessly and, of course, Kanda was the only one who didn't take his shit sitting down.
And it always led to a messy exchange that never failed to humiliate someone—mostly Allen.
"If you're that curious, Cross, then why don't you shove your hand down my pants and figure it out for yourself."
"You're a forward little thing, aren't you? Perhaps you shouldn't be so loose; people might think you're available to be passed around like currency."
"What would you know about currency? I'm under the impression you haven't touched any since you picked up your indentured servant."
Cross simply blew his smoke right at Kanda, who was not budging for anything. The brat would assume any position that impeded Cross as long as Cross made those efforts to give him the shit he always did. It was a complicated combat of egos and Allen was always ready with his palm open and aimed toward his face in exasperation.
"I do know that faces like yours can be bought for a handful of change in some countries. I could probably fetch a lot for you if I sold you off to a brothel somewhere." The thought of Kanda being anywhere near a brothel was both unpleasant and hilarious at the same time to Allen. The Asian man was attractive and there was no denying it, but he would qualify as the worse brothel worker in history and Allen could list the reasons why if that wouldn't incriminate them horribly in front of other people.
"If you're that attracted to my face, Cross, then we have a problem. Because I'm about as interested in you as I am in drinking paint. Actually, I'm willing to bet I'd get more benefits out of paint."
"What a sassy little girl. You don't need to push me away so adamantly, if you wanted a kiss that bad, I could humor you," Cross sneered and leaned a bit closer until Kanda was about to crack and falter. Kanda didn't like to lose, but his skin was crawling mercilessly at the thought of Cross's face coming anywhere near his for any reason that wasn't related to someone getting abused violently.
Kanda took one step back and folded his arms, standing like a defiant child. Now it was apparent that Cross wasn't moving either. He couldn't leave and Cross wasn't entering as long as Kanda's pride demanded he hold his ground. "I would rather kiss…well, anything else. It's hard to come up with one particular something that's significantly better than you when that pretty much accounts for everything."
"Your standards are low anyway, girl. No one holds it against you that you can't see quality in front of you. I'm pretty certain that's not your fault. We can blame second-hand blindness."
"Projecting is unhealthy, General."
The two of them stood in silence again, waiting each other out and Allen could see that Kanda would lose this at some point. It was inevitable, because Cross always played dirty or always said just the thing that would throw Kanda off his path and make him flounder. This was why Allen tried to make sure the two of them never crossed paths with each other. Their personalities were too strong and it always left him in the middle of two people who felt the need to challenge the other at every given chance.
Allen couldn't really understand it, but perhaps that was because he was the polite one. Kanda couldn't speak without sounding like he hated the world and Cross was constantly shoving the tough love concept down Allen's throat—and Allen wasn't really sure love was anywhere in the equation. Between the two, it was honestly too much. Not to mention it became really awkward for him for some reason; as if his choice in partner was something that Cross would disapprove of. Cross really didn't care.
Not caring didn't free him of the childish teasing, though.
"Should I stop them?" Allen questioned to Lenalee as he sat up next to her.
"That may not be worth it at this point, you know.
"Ah, probably not."
Lavi, who had stayed right where he was, was frowning a bit. His mistletoe was being sorely misused here and Kanda was making it incredibly difficult to keep it running smoothly when he wouldn't let Cross pass. It wasn't like Kanda to be so openly persistent, but Cross had tendencies to make people change their attitude. "Come on you two, just smooch and move on already," he whined and that promptly earn a heated look from Kanda and a vague dismissal from Cross. Either way, neither of them cared to devote any attention to him and he sighed.
"I'll move when you move out of the way, girl."
"I'll move when you go drop dead somewhere."
"We're going to be here for a long while then, Princess." Dark smoke blew between them and somewhere in the haze, a little fluttery gold thing zipped around and dropped on Cross's shoulder. Cross's eye landed on Timcanpy and he inspected the golem for a moment before his attention drew back to Kanda. "I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your influences out of the golem. One batting the wrong side is enough."
"I didn't dress up your doll to spite you. That would require I waste the time to think about you in any aspect. You can discuss that with your apprentice on his appreciation for ridiculous decoration."
"Mistletoe!"
The redhead's voice broke the conversation and any retort either of them had. Kanda was getting tired of it and quickly. "Idiot, shut u—" Kanda's voice, however, splintered and died somewhere when he realized another body had squeezed through the entrance and was staring both Cross and he down like there was contemplation going on.
"Hm, if these are my choices…" A woman's voice and more specifically, a blond general's. She glanced between them languidly, amusing herself on the way they both stopped at her attention. "I suppose the winner is obvious here," she chuckled and smiled toward Cross before turning in the opposite direction and catching Kanda off guard.
Allen nearly jumped off the table and he repressed the extremely strong desire to snatch him away from the General who had planted a significant amount of lip on his partner. At least Kanda was as petrified as Allen thought he should be, but that didn't stop Allen's expression from souring. He had to tear his gaze away before he made indignant noises to go with it.
Klaud smiled at Cross before she released Kanda and strutted off like she's done something great. Her poor victim didn't know whether to consider it a victory against Cross or a loss against his integrity and he kinda backed away numbly and leaned against the doorframe—letting Cross pass. The redheaded male didn't say a word either, partially crushed by his lovely General companion.
Timcanpy floated off Cross's shoulder and flapped in front of Kanda, pressing his round body against his cheek and giving him one big lick before Kanda managed to snap himself out of the "kissed by a woman" coma and punt the little golden fuckass across the cafeteria. With that done, he resigned himself to return to where he had left from, only to catch the shadow of another—large—figure passing under the same mistletoe. Lavi didn't even have to say it for Kanda to feel a sudden jolt in his body and take off running as far away as he could manage to get without throwing himself off the tower.
Allen finally couldn't take it anymore and rolled over on to the table to laugh uncontrollably at Kanda's misfortune of going down the current full line of Generals under the mistletoe.
To Be Continued…
A/N: I'm not sorry for a second of this.
