This trip from Bath to London, well what an adventure. I'm navigating bleedin' trains, pre booked ones may I add because he's a control freak like that with a suitcase on wheels, a bloke who can barely keep himself upright and needs to sit every 30 seconds and a headache from hell. All so he can poke his nose in at my appointment which I do appreciate but this is hard bloody work. The tuts from furious, unsympathetic and impatient Londoners have him flustered as he tries his hardest to hobble as fast as he can along the platform "Take your time, let them bloody wait" he stops to take a breather and I can't help but feel guilty, he's tired and he's in pain and the day has only just begun. "I think you should rest at mine, you're really pale" he shakes his head, too puffed out and in pain to speak right away "I want to go with you Molly, just let me" can't fault his dedication I s'pose.
The nurse takes pity on him as we go through all the pre-chemo procedures. His face looking slightly more freaked out the further along we get. His hand constantly searches for mine, same as his concerned eyes. "You should take a slow stroll to the canteen and eat. Keep your strength up" he nods, probably relieved for the get out. Bella, my little sister has never let me sit through a chemo session alone, she knows my calendar better than I do "Well well well who do we have here then?" She eyes him from head to toe as she makes her entrance "fucking tasty" she mouths, much to the amusement of my poor nurse, she'll probably end up wishing she'd got someone else today.
"Bells, will you take Charles to the canteen for some lunch. This is my boyfriend by the way" we both smirk at each other like idiots, I like the way it sounds - my boyfriend "course, I can start the interrogation" my darlin' Bella helps him to his feet "I'm Bella but you already know that. Nice to meet you" he kisses the top of my head, a long lingering kiss as if he's afraid I won't be here when he gets back "Go will ya. And take it easy."
He's comforted by the fact that Bella talks for England, it helps to keep his mind from counting down the minutes until he can be back by Molly's side. "So what happened to you then?" He noticed that Bella had the exact same sea green eyes as Molly "I was in Afghan and my mind wasn't on the job. To be honest finding out about Molly knocked me for six and I went on patrol in a bit of a state and let's just say I paid the price for it" she placed a comforting hand on his arm "She'll be alright you know, she's made of tough stuff and she'll get through this. Although make sure we bring her back plenty of water or we'll be on her shit list. She needs to drink loads over the next few days" he nodded "Anything else I need to know? She's not exactly forthcoming when it comes to all this. I'm just trying to learn as we go along" Bella rolled her eyes "don't take it personal, she's been like it since the beginning. I'm staying over tonight because I always do after her treatment and you look like you need just as much looking after, no offence. But like you said, you just learn as you go. She's still learning too"
He tried not to give into the slight hurt he felt at Bella's lack of faith in his ability to look after her but in his heart he knew she was right "Will she be really ill?" Bella nodded "She'll be sick but that's the norm, I always try to keep the place spotless so there's no chance of infection. Bleach is my best mate these days! She sometimes gets a lot of muscle pain, mostly in her stomach but not every time. It depends really, it's hard to predict. Like I said, I'll stay for a few days at least to lend a hand" his head was swirling with worry. Worry for her, worry that he wasn't up to the job of looking after her.
My chest tightens at the sight of her asleep in the chair, hooked up to drips and a completely different colour to when I left her, but still as beautiful as ever. It's times like this that I truly realise how small she is. The nurse from earlier pulls up the most comfortable chair she can find for me, I suppose I really do look like shit. This all seems like nothing to her, she's brave and resilient and everything I knew she would be. The army was privileged to have her. I take her cold hand in mine, anxious for what the next few days will bring. I understand now why she moans and nags about me not looking after myself. It's difficult to see the one you love weak and vulnerable although I'd never call her either of those things to her face unless I wanted black eyes to add to my list of ailments.
She stirs; her eyes search me for signs of emotion. I know she's worried about me even though it's her who is on the receiving end of these horrific drugs but that's her all over, Completely selfless. "Alright fitty?" I can't help but chuckle "I'm fine love. How are you doing?" I want to scoop her up and run away to a place where nothing could ever hurt her again, a place that doesn't exists. "I'm okay; stop looking like someone shot your dog. Sit back and rest, rest your leg up on me"
I do as I'm told because; well it's easier than defying the force of nature that is Molly Dawes.
"I want you to take that letter of resignation James and pardon my French but you can stick it where the sun doesn't shine" Charles had been nervous about this meeting all week, he knew Beck wouldn't take him leaving lying down but this was a whole different ball game. "Sir with all due respect, my foot is partially paralysed since my injuries. I don't see where I fit in if things don't improve" Beck shook his head "We have some of the best, if not the best rehabilitation centres in the world. All of which you've refused treatment with. I'm full aware of the current state of you injuries James, I make it my business to know these things and I also know that you haven't put in the time or the hard work. So what else is going on? It's is Sam? Rebecca?" He sighed, not wanting to out Molly to yet another person who didn't need to know of her plight "No Sir they are both well. As you know Rebecca and I are divorced. I'm in a relationship with a fellow soldier, Molly Dawes. I'm not sure if you know her?" His eyes lowered suggesting he knew exactly who he was referring too "Ah yes, of course I know Dawes. Wonderful soldier, how is she?" He tried to sniff back all the emotion that threatened "She's not too good at the moment Sir, thanks for asking. So that's why I ask you to reconsider my resignation. I need to be present for her whilst she's battling this" his mind wandered back to the girl he'd left so frail looking in a hospital bed, sick from weeks of chemo and now infection. He hadn't realised how easily she could pick up something that would metaphorically cripple her "James, you both have my deepest sympathy but no, I still will not accept your resignation. I'll give you until you've fully recovered to think about it, only then will I entertain the idea. And for Christ sake get yourself to Headley, that's an order"
He hobbled out of the barracks, tail between his legs "How'd it go cripple?" Elvis always knew how to rub salt in the wounds "As we both expected, he more or less told me to piss right off" "Well I could of told you that would happen. But he's right; you can't throw away all these years of hard work, and what's Molly said? Have you even asked her?" His silence was deafening "Mate you need to speak to her, she might not want you kicking around under her feet all the time. She's a squaddie, she knows what's she's getting with you." He would not, under any circumstances worry Molly with anything to do with work. She was sick and it was his job to protect her from any outside influences that would cause her unnecessary stress.
His phone hasn't stopped ringing, the pressure of being ever present for Molly whilst neglecting the other parts of his life proving too much as he struggled to get back on his feet.
"Sorry Rebecca, I know I'm late - you can bollock me all you want" she pushed a cup of coffee towards him "When was the last time you ate something? You look like shit" he sat with his head in his hands, the moment of calmness exactly what he needed "I can't even remember. I've come from Molly, been to the barracks, now here to see you two and then back to Molly" she took in his tired features as he pulled Sam into a hug "Well you know I think you're over doing it. I think you should rest here and head away fresh in the morning. I know Sam would love it too, he hasn't seen nearly enough of you Charles and it's not fair to him" he sighed because he knew she was right. He felt like a shitty dad right now, but he really was stretched to his limit "I need to see Molly" she tutted loudly "Listen, She sounds like she could do with the rest. And I'm not taking no for an answer you are going to sit in the front room with your feet up and spend some time resting with your son"
It wasn't until he realised that Sam was saying a whole load of new words that it dawned on him just how absent he'd been recently "You know daddy loves you don't you Scamp?" He bounced the excited toddler on his good leg "And I'm sorry I'm being such a terrible daddy but I promise I'll make it up to you. When daddy is back on his feet, we'll have lots of special days together" Rebecca's heart melted at the sight of them, a moment of sadness passing over her as remembered how good it had been in those early days. The days before they tied themselves into a marriage neither of them really wanted for a son they both loved more than anything after much pressure from her parents. He'd become like a best friend to her, and despite the fact that he wasn't always around she knew he tried his best, and that was good enough for her.
"Eat this while it's hot, a warm meal is a luxury when you're a parent" Sam settled between them as he ate. Charles hadn't realised just how hungry he'd been until the waves of dizziness started. He was long overdue his painkillers now - Molly always told him off for taking them on an empty stomach.
He woke with a start in the middle of the night, the sofa he'd been sharing with Sam now home to pillows and blankets. "Shit" he muttered to the 4 missed calls from Molly. It was gone 2am, far too late to text her now. He hobbled to the kitchen, his leg throbbing and the familiar pull of his torso nagging him, where the fuck where those painkillers. Just a few more hours and he'd be back with her, back where he'd left his heart and where his pain would ease. The mental torture his head inflicted on him would be silenced for a little while.
He kissed every inch of her face until his favourite eyes stared back at him. "There she is, good morning sleepyhead" she shuffled herself nearer to him, letting his long arms envelope her body "I missed you. Was worried" he kissed the ticklish spot behind her ear "I know, I'm a shit and I'm so sorry. I was knackered and this bloody leg just gave up on me. Feel right to sleep on mum's sofa and didn't move all night" he shocked himself with a lie, not even sure where it came from, but how do you take back a lie? "As long as you're okay and you've rested. You don't look too clever" he stroked his thumb across the back of her bruised and swollen hand, the casualty of the cannula delivering her what she needs to feel better "Enough about me Dawes. More importantly, how are you? When do I get to take you home?" She shrugged her shoulder "I dunno, I'm too tired to move I know that much" she cupped his face in her hand "I'm so glad I've got you. You really keep me going" guilt sank further into the pit of his stomach "Ditto beautiful"
How did he tell her that he had to leave for Headley? That there wasn't much choice if he wanted to keep his sick pay. He'd promised her that he would be by her side and now he had to leave.
