Sirius Implications, Chapter Nine: Aftermath
Remus Lupin awoke with a start, sitting up and flailing around, tangling himself in the bedclothes. He was trapped, drowning, gasping for air... then strong, gentle hands were grasping his arms and a rich, soothing voice was speaking to him.
"It's alright, you're safe. You're safe, Remus Lupin, you're safe"
"Sirius?" he gasped
"Sirius is fine as well," the voice calmly assured him as he felt the warmth of healing energy being pulsed into him. He took a deep, shuddering breath and allowed himself to be propped up on some pillows. For the first time, he focused on where he was and who he was with. His eyes met those of Lila Johnstone which were crinkling warmly at the corners as she regarded him. She gave a final pulse of energy and rose to cross the room. Mere moments later she returned with a steaming mug. Remus' nose twitched involuntarily as the scent of chocolate wafted over.
Johnstone smiled at what must have been a rather eager expression on his face. "Would you like me to add something for a dreamless sleep?" she asked, tilting her head to indicate the mug.
"Uh, no, I don't think so... I think the cocoa will do the trick all by itself." The older witch smiled and passed the mug to Lupin.
As Lupin sipped he watched her settle in a chair near the foot of his bed. Glancing over he noticed Sirius had been moved to the next bed and that Johnstone's chair was between them. A book and a mug sat illuminated by the light of a hurricaine lamp on a small table beside Johnstone's chair. She lightly tapped the mug with her wand and brought it, steaming to her lips.
"Ah," she murmured with a small smile, "Earl Grey... Britain's lasting contribution to world welfare."
The corner of Remus' mouth quirked up at this, "I don't know," he said lightly, "Really, Switzerland or whomever had invented hot chocolate should be afforded the honor of 'contribution to world welfare.'"
"Well, you do have a point. Fortunately, there doesn't have to be only one nation so honored... not even in the category of hot beverage. After all, there are several variants of coffee and espresso alone..."
Again, Remus felt himself smiling as he thought of Hope and looked around the ward again. It was quiet and lit only by the light from Johnstone's lamp.
"How long have you been here, ma'am?" he asked her
"Oh, a while I suppose," she answered lightly
"Does the Headmistress normally take the night shift in the Hospital Wing?"
Johnstone laughed quietly, "No, no... In that case I'd be in here all the time during the school year what with all the minor illnesses and injuries of the students!" She paused, her eyes meeting Remus' own, "I just feel better being able to look after friends and other people who are important to me. Now, drink up, you need to get back to sleep, Professor."
The warmth from the cocoa seemed to fill Remus and he felt his eyes drooping even as he took his last few sips. Hands slipped the mug from his grasp and helped him shift and snuggle down under the covers once again. As he closed his eyes he felt the covers being tucked about his chin and a gentle hand moving a lock of hair off his face. He sighed, and slipped back into dreams.
Remus woke again as a beam of late morning sunlight from the window moved up to his face. He squinted and threw his arm over his eyes with a moan. At this. a low chuckle assaulted his ears. He moved his arms and squinted at the figure in the chair that had been occupied by the Roanoke Headmistress. Even with vision still blurred with sleep he could tell it was no longer her. This figure had red hair. Red Hair? Remus rubbed his eyes and tried to wake his mind. He looked again.
"Bill! Bill Weasley, when did you get back?"
The younger man was settled comfortably with his legs propped up on the bed that had held Sirius the evening before, his finger holding his place in a book.
"Well, welcome back to the land of the living, Remus," he said with a smile, "It's nearly eleven in the morning, I thought you might sleep the day away, miss ringing in both New Years."
"Both?" Remus asked in confusion as he pushed himself up into a sitting position.
"Both, mate!" Bill answered happily, leaning back into his chair. "I figured we should raise a glass when it's midnight in dear old Britain, as well as when it's midnight here. They're having a nice, quiet gathering here; probably like the one you told me they did at Christmas."
Remus rubbed his eyes again and shook his head. Damn, he'd forgotten this was New Year's Eve. That seemed strange to him considering the fuss that normally attended the holiday in Scotland. Of course, he rarely had the chance to participate in Hogamany parties when he'd lived in Scotland, he'd been too isolated. When he thought about it, it seemed to him that something nice and quiet would be alright. If Sirius was well enough to do anything, something "public" might keep him in line, too. He looked at Bill.
"Any idea where my kit is?"
Bill inclined his head toward a neat pile of freshly laundered clothes a few feet from his boots on the bed.
"Washroom's at the end of the ward," Bill added helpfully.
Remus rose with a groan and gathered the clothes he had been wearing yesterday which, thankfully now smelled "April fresh" instead of brackish. Upon rising his brain seemed to drop into gear.
"Where's Sirius?" he asked sharply, realizing that the animagus wasn't anywhere in the ward.
"They released him about an hour ago, Remus. Said you could go when you woke." Bill informed him. Something crossed the younger wizard's face and he bit his lip. Remus waited. "He kicked up quite a fuss, you know. No, not that!" Bill added quickly, "He didn't want to leave while you were still here. Wouldn't go until I promised to stay with you." Bill was clearly confused by Sirius' behavior. He wasn't alone.
Remus didn't know what to make of that, either. He wanted to believe it was some remnant of caring or affection. He wanted to believe this but wasn't sure he should get his hopes up. Sighing, he settled for heading for the washroom with his bundle of clothes.
At about the time Remus was gathering his clothes and heading for the washroom, Hope was regarding a rather agitated wizard seated across from her in her office. She'd scanned both British wizards earlier that morning while they slept and left Bob instructions to release them when they woke, asking the nurse to be sure Sirius was awakened in time to make his morning appointment.
For the first time Sirius had been early. He was having a hard time staying still, either wringing his hands or bouncing a leg. He kept biting his lower lip and, when he finally met Hope's eyes his own seemed, haunted.
"How are you feeling, Sirius?" Hope asked with as much warmth as she could, "Can I get you something hot to drink?"
"No, no... that's alright. Thanks," Sirius began, his voice as agitated as his limbs, "I'm, I'm alright, feeling alright, physically - that is." The animagus paused and then looked up again, locking his eyes with Hope's. "Is it true?"
"What?" Hope asked.
"What they said happened."
"Well, what did they say?" Hope asked mildly
"I went nutters and charged into the ocean and almost drowned and Remus almost drowned pulling me out." Sirius said in one breath.
Hope kept Sirius' gaze as she answered evenly, "Yes, you did almost drown and Remus did risk his life to save you. I'm not yet sure 'nutters' is the term I'd use for what happened to send you into the water... I was hoping you and I could try and figure that out together."
Sirius' voice was hoarse with concern, "Is Rem going to be alright?"
"Yes, he'll be just fine, Sirius. You, actually, were the one we were most worried about. You were under long enough to stop breathing and, from what Remus told me, I'm not sure you ever realized you were in the water. Can you tell me what you remember?"
"I.. I... I'm not sure really," Sirius said with an honesty Hope was unused to.
She leaned forward and grasped one of the wizard's hands. They were still cold. For a moment Hope thought of getting him some hot tea before the counselor in her reminded her she needed to take advantage of the man's openness as long as it lasted.
"Do you remember our session yesterday?"
Sirius shifted uncomfortably, "yes."
"Well, then, lets start with what you remember from there. Did you go back to the guest cottage afterward?"
Sirius nodded, misery edged with panic creeping into his face.
"How were you feeling?"
"Fine," he shrugged
"What were you feeling?"
"I, well... I. Nothing special, I suppose."
"Sirius," Hope said gently, "I want to help you figure this out, but you've got to try and remember."
Sirius opened his mouth as if to say something but closed it again. For a few moments he didn't speak but it was clear he was trying to remember as his face drew into a frightened scowl. He turned his gaze to the carpet and kept it there as he spoke.
"I, I... I was confused... I couldn't seem to think straight, I couldn't understand about Remus. I mean," He choked a bit but continued, "you were right about how I've been treating him." He paused and swallowed hard, "But I know I don't want to lose him and I just couldn't figure that out. Then..." He trailed off.
Hope waited a minute and squeezed his hand. "Then?"
He gripped her hand with both of his and looked up at her with fear and indecision fighting on his face. Hope knew he was feeling desperate; that he wanted to trust her but was afraid and unsure how. She added her other hand and squeezed Sirius' back.
"Sirius, I'm here to help you. I want very much to help you. If you give me your trust I promise to do everything in my power to be worthy of it. You don't have to do this alone."
The animagus' breath caught at the last word and his face twisted. Suddenly he pulled away and wrapped his arms about himself, and began to rock forward and back.
"But I am! I am alone! Don't you understand? I'm alone and it's my fault!" The words began tumbling out faster and faster, "yesterday when Remus came in to the cottage he flinched, he FLINCHED when he saw me. Oh gods, he hated me or feared me or I don't know, but I knew then that I'd blown it. I've lost everyone... everyone I AM alone. I thought I could handle it but I couldn't. I can't." The last two words were uttered in a shame-filled whisper.
Hope leaned forward and put a hand on Sirius' knee, sending some warm energy into the wizard in front of her while she projected warmth and acceptance. After a few moments she spoke again, gently prodding the animagus to continue while he was open to admitting to himself what had happened.
"What happened after Remus came in?"
"I... I... it's not too clear. I remember having trouble breathing and wanting some air"
"What was that like, not being able to breathe?"
"Awful... like drowning on dry land, like being ...trapped."
"Does being trapped remind you of anything?" Hope asked, acting on a hunch. Sirius nodded but did not speak. Hope sent another pulse of warm energy into him and asked, "Can you tell me?"
Sirius voice was thick and his gaze stayed fixed on the floor.
"Azkaban," He choked out, "it reminds me of Azkaban."
