A/N: This is me, avoiding work. Shh! Don't tell my boss. Just a quick little Cletus moment for all of you...


Chapter 9 - Baked

05/14/2010, 15:19 – CletPOV

Jasper Whitlock is the devil.

Sure, he looks innocent, with that stupid golden blond hair and those dreamy blue eyes, but don't let him fool you. Behind his angelic façade lies a cold, calculating heart.

When Edward rescued me from the clutches of loony Uncle Emmett, I was positive that I had won the war. It had been a close run thing – I think I was approximately two Twinkies away from exploding when Edward arrived. The sense of relief that I felt when he rushed into the room, swept me into his arms, and checked me over for damage was overwhelming. I snickered to myself when he directed menacing glares at Jasper and Uncle Emmett, then took me home. As I tucked myself into my human's arms that night and felt his fingers scratch behind my ears, I bestowed a triumphant grin upon my adversary and thought, "That's right mother fucker. Thought you'd get away with it, but I guess not. Pretty sure it's going to be your ass sleeping in the hallway next."

Unfortunately, I'd severely underestimated my opponent. Jasper was a master strategist and even I couldn't have foreseen the newest tactic he implemented immediately upon Edward's departure for work the next day.

To say I was surprised when he sought me out would be an understatement. As he entered the laundry room, I eyed him cautiously. What did this fucker want now? He had something in his hand and as he approached, he spoke softly. "Hey, Cletus. I know we've gotten off to a bad start, but I love Edward and he loves you, so we need to be friends," he said, reaching out to run those deliciously long fingers through my fur. Unable to resist, I flipped over onto my back so he could get to that spot on my belly that I couldn't seem to reach anymore. Fuckin' Twinkies.

"See, that's not so bad, is it?" he crooned. "And look, I even brought you back something from our vacation," he added, holding out a small plastic ball. Really? That's the best he could do? Cheap bastard.

"Aww, come on, Cletus. Just try it out. You'll love it," he cajoled, holding the ball close to my face.

What was this fucker's problem? It's a plastic ball, dumbass. If he thought I was going to leave the comfort of my castle for some cheap piece of shit he had another thing coming. He was going to have to work a hell of a lot harder than this for my forgiveness. Deciding to throw him a bone, I stretched my neck out a bit so I could sniff the toy.

Holy shit! What the bloody hell was this? Oh…..oh! Like a moth to a flame, I was drawn inexplicably to the ball. The most unbelievable smell was emanating from it. I had to have it. I swiped it from his hand and took off, heading to the living room. I heard him following behind me, but no longer cared; completely focused on the toy. When I reached the carpet in front of the coffee table, I set the toy down and inhaled deeply.

Jasper sat in the armchair and watched as I made a total fool of myself salivating and rolling all over the toy. But my behavior was uncontrollable, unavoidable. I had to have it. I needed it. I could no longer live without whatever substance was housed in this toy. Moments later, lost in a pleasurable haze, I felt him lift me from the floor and place me in his lap; the toy now housed in his pocket.

"I knew you'd like it. That's the good stuff there. One hundred percent organically grown catnip. Nothin' but the best for my buddy," he said. I stretched out across his legs, enjoying the feel if his fingers in my fur and thought to myself that there was nothing better in life than this. If I died now, I'd die a happy cat.

"I think you and I are goin' to get along just fine, Cletus," he added with a wink.

Hell yes we were! I loved Jasper. Jasper was the best guy on the planet. I would do anything for him, anything at all. We would all live together in harmony; me, Jasper, Edward, and the catnip toy.

Lost in a fog of pleasure, I saw myself lying on a blanket in a meadow filled with wildflowers and butterflies. Jasper and Edward were there, singing me Beatles songs and feeding me extra cheese and sausage pizza. The sun was shining and a cool breeze blew through my fur, ruffling it gently. This was what heaven would be like, I was certain of it. Out of nowhere, I heard a jingling of bells and a man appeared with a cart filled with ice cream. Edward smiled and bought the entire cart, feeding me bite after bite of creamy goodness as Jasper stroked my fur.

Thirty minutes later, I awoke from my stupor to find myself flat on my back in Jasper's lap, drool running down my chin. What the fuck?

Chemical warfare.

Jasper had stepped up his game.


A/N2: *snickers* - Catnip. Still legal in all 50 states. :)