A/N: Hey, guys, another chapter. I know, they are coming quickly! How shocking! xD Anyway, I was really tired when I wrote this. I feel like this is a terrible chapter in terms of writing; it's probably filled with mistakes and everything, and is probably ramble-y and whatnot, but oh well. Hope it still sounds okay. Reviews would be appreciated!

Chapter length: 4162

Song listening to: "Crying" by Sugarcult

Onward!


Chapter 9 – The Stress of Ignoring [Shepard's POV]

Pragia.

Shepard's not sure what he was expecting to find here, but this abandoned facility is certainly less than… well, just less than. He knows it is abandoned; Jack has told him as much, and she wishes to blow the entire place to smithereens as a form of closure for her. On the way there she notes that maybe this is a bad idea; Shepard says this was her idea, it will be okay, and they will get through this. She nods and they continue in the shuttle until they land and exit.

Getting through the cold, dark, empty facility is easy enough, since it seems only varren now inhabit the place, but eventually it gets worse. He gets this eerie feeling just walking through it; he can't imagine how it felt for Jack, growing up here with all those unspeakable acts done to her against her will. He can understand her hatred of this place.

Things go smoothly at first, until they run into trouble. Mercs are here; a fight begins. Soon it is over, and they move on, further into the facility, and find themselves in Jack's old room. Jack mentions she feels like this dangerous bitch, but also that she feels like a scared little girl again. Shepard knows this is hard for her, but he stays silent and lets her vent. She walks around her old room, mentioning how she hid under her desk, and cried herself to sleep, and banged on the window where other kids always ignored her.

Eventually she is ready to leave, but a man enters. He was trapped her once, too, except his outlook is different from Jack's. He wishes to restart this facility; he says their guards must have done this for a reason. Jack gets angry, but doesn't kill the man, for which Shepard is grateful. He doesn't need more blood on his hands, even if it would be Jack who kills him. They tell the man to flee, because they are going to blow the facility to bits, and he does so.

Then Shepard, Jack, and Garrus travel back to the shuttle after the bomb is placed. He left Kiyo behind today, though the ex-operative wanted to come. Kiyo sympathized with Jack; he wanted to help her, and he hated being stuck on the Normandy while they went on ground missions. Nevertheless Shepard left him behind for this trip.

Things weren't exactly awkward since he told Kiyo about his dream, but they weren't perfect, either. There is this unspoken something between them and he doesn't know what to make of it. He hopes space will allow him the clarity he seeks, but somehow, he doubts it. Nevertheless he put some distance between him and Kiyo.

He feels… strange, around Kiyo, ever since his dream.

He can still remember their mouths connecting in his dream. His mind flickers back toward when he and Kaidan first got together. He dreamed of Kaidan then, too. But Shepard is damaged, changed, different. He's not the same man he was then. Even Kaidan sensed it, turned his back on him.

Shepard isn't stupid. He knows this has been hard on Kaidan. Two years is a long time for him to be gone. Kaidan has obviously moved on; he knows this, accepts this. Everyone mourns differently. He doesn't blame Kaidan for that. Maybe he doesn't blame Kaidan for anything.

He's just hurt that Kaidan doesn't trust him anymore.

He's hurt because no one seems to trust him anymore, not fully.

Garrus hardly speaks to him these days. He always has something to calibrate in the main battery. Tali is with her people; Shepard assumes she would have doubts if she was with them, as well. Joker seems pleasant enough, but he always hid everything behind a laugh and a smile, so Shepard isn't quite sure what to think. He wants to say Joker trusts him, an unexpected friend because in the past, he was a little harsh on the guy sometimes, when tensions were high. Joker always tries to joke about everything, especially when everything is tense; sometimes, Shepard was too angry to appreciate the attempt at humor, and he snapped at the pilot. And yet Joker is still here, was the first to greet him after his 'awakening'.

Maybe Joker trusts him. Chakwas seems to trust him; she drank with him, after all. Except she's always keeping an eye on him, checking him after every mission. She says it is to look for damage to his cybernetics; he thinks it's because she, too, is wary. Worried he has changed, doubtful that he was brought back as the same man who went after Saren and Sovereign.

He doubts himself as well, and if he doubts himself, how can he expect anyone else to trust him? He can't, because he can't trust himself. He wouldn't know if there was a control chip in his mind, because he wouldn't know otherwise. The chip would make sure of this. So he might be a puppet like Kaidan said. He might be being controlled by the Illusive Man, doing his dirty work for him.

He tries not to let this bother him.

Even so his mind wanders back toward Kiyo. Kiyo doesn't seem to doubt him, but Kiyo doesn't really know him. None of the new people on this crew really know him. They have heard stories and newsfeeds, but they don't know him. Until he joined the Normandy SR-2, he never saw any of them before. So maybe they don't count.

Even so… he can't ignore the fact he feels a little more at ease when Kiyo is near.

That's why they need time apart, he tells himself. Even if Kiyo was telling the truth, and he does like Shepard, it can't mean anything. Shepard is different; he's unnatural. He's wrong and changed and he doesn't trust himself. Getting attached to someone – liking someone – is not something he needs right now.

He needs to focus on building his team and launching this suicide mission.

If by some miracle they live through this… then maybe he can give this whatever it is between them a second look.

But for now…

He nods at Jack.

She pushes the button held in her hands.

The facility on Pragia explodes.


He's not avoiding Kiyo, exactly, but he's not seeking him out, either. In fact, most of the time he stays in his cabin, going over reports and messages, people asking for help and people thanking him for those he has helped. Life is too busy right now, to deal with anything – and anyone – else.

There is pain behind his eyes. He rubs his index finger and thumb into his closed eyelids, wincing as the pain grows. He doesn't usually get migraines, but he's seen Kaidan with them enough times that he understands how to deal with them. He turns off the lights in his room and lays down on his bed, burying his face into his pillows.

His face burns. Even in the darkness there is a faint red glow coming from his markings. Sometimes he is able to forget they are there; then there are times like this, when it is impossible to forget. It is why he finds it hard to sleep when the lights are off; they become more noticeable then. It is why he can't look at himself in the mirror after he showers, or when he's brushing his teeth.

Seeing the marks reminds him how changed he is now. Perhaps it is best he is reminded, so he doesn't expect everyone to behave as they would have two years ago. If he has to keep seeing the scars, he can adjust to the fact he's two years in the future even though it feels like he is only less than two months into the future.

He scrubs a hand across his face, wincing as the pain intensifies.

After roughly a half hour of lying there in the dark, there is a knock at his door. He attempts to ignore it; if he doesn't answer it, hopefully they will assume he is asleep and will leave him be. If it is urgent, Joker would be contacting him via intercom, so he doesn't have to worry about missing something important.

The knocking continues, however.

With a sigh, Shepard climbs out of bed and walks toward the door. He opens it and scowls when he sees Kiyo standing there, despite the way a lump appears in his throat.

Kiyo looks angry, eyes narrowed, his arms folded across his chest. "You're avoiding me again," he says evenly.

"I'm not," Shepard says, wincing as the pain grows behind his eyes.

Kiyo frowns. "Did I wake you?"

"Not really. Was there something you need?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he sighs, scrubbing a hand across his face but that just makes the scars ache a little more, makes his head hurt more as well.

"Your scars hurting?" Kiyo guesses, watching him.

"They're irritated," Shepard says. "It'll stop in a little bit. Is there something you need, Kiyo?"

Kiyo shrugs. "Just wanted to see why you're avoiding me again."

"I'm not avoiding you."

"Twice."

"What?" he asks, frowning.

"I've seen you twice in the best three days."

Shepard closes his eyes. He knows Kiyo is right. "Okay," he murmurs, "so I might have been avoiding you. So what?"

"So what?" Kiyo repeats, and Shepard opens his eyes to find the blonde glaring at him. "You're a bit of an asshole, Shepard."

"Excuse me?" he asks, staring at him.

Did he just call me an asshole?

"You say you like me, that you dreamed about me," Kiyo says calmly, watching him with that narrowed look, "and then you avoid me. A guy could get the impression he's not liked."

"Kiyo."

Now is definitely not the time for this.

The pain behind his eyes grows.

"Can we do this later?" he asks.

"Why? So you can keep avoiding me? No. We need to talk."

"Kiyo-"

Kiyo holds up a hand, halting his words. "But first," he says, "you are going to see Chakwas. I don't think your scars should be aching, or glowing like that. They were better earlier; what happened? Did something happen on Pragia?"

They were better earlier?

Shepard wouldn't know; he doesn't really look at them and tries to forget they exist. And they are glowing?

Well… he does notice them glowing a bit in the dark, so…

Kiyo grabs his wrist. "Chakwas," he says again, dragging him out of the room before he can protest.

Then they are stuck in the elevator together, and Shepard looks down at the ground, feeling trapped. Not just because he can't go anywhere while the elevator is moving, but because Kiyo is still watching him. He doesn't know what Kiyo wants him to say. What he expects to happen.

Nevertheless he lets himself be dragged to med bay. The lights are too bright and he winces. Chakwas turns the lights down and runs her omni-tool over him.

"It's like I said before," she tells him, frowning sympathetically. "They react to your stress levels."

"So he's stressed? That's why he's all… glowy?" Kiyo asks somewhat incredulously.

"Well," Shepard sighs, "when you put it like that…"

"Nice to see you still have a sense of humor," Kiyo says, smirking at him.

"If you get enough rest and stop stressing over everything, the scars should heal on their own," Dr. Chakwas says, dragging their attention back to her.

"Alright," Kiyo says. "No more stress for you, Mal."

Shepard wants to argue – it's not your responsibility, dammit, I don't need your help – but stops at the name. Mal. It still leaves him fighting back a smile, and so he simply nods while Chakwas gives him something for the headache.

Afterward they leave the med bay and he glances at Kiyo.

"I know you want to talk," he says, "but right now I want to sleep."

He doesn't sleep often; right now, that's exactly what he wants to do.

Kiyo frowns at him for a moment, before he sighs heavily. "Okay," he says with a nod. "Yeah, you need rest. We'll talk later. But we will talk, and you better stop avoiding me."

Shepard shrugs. "It's not like I can get away with it," he mutters as he heads for the elevator.

"I heard that," Kiyo says.

"I should go."


2175 Aeia.

Shepard glances at Jacob, who is rather tense on the shuttle ride down to the planet. It is understandable, of course; they are here for Jacob's father. Jacob's father's ship went missing a decade ago; only recently has the distress beacon gone off, giving away the location. Jacob long ago mourned his father, and now he is has to face this situation. He has a lot of questions, and Shepard has no answers for him. Not yet, anyway. He intends to help Jacob, though.

Jacob seems like a nice enough guy, and he's always been willing to give Shepard the benefit of a doubt. In another lifetime, the two could become great friends. Shepard enjoys Jacob's company, but Jacob is still loyal to Cerberus, as is Miranda, and Shepard wants as little to do with Cerberus as possible, even though he is working for them right now. It is complicated; attempting to explain it to anyone leaves him being glared at.

By Kaidan. Anderson. The Council.

No one cares that he's trying to help. They see only Cerberus.

"Nice planet," Kiyo comments when the shuttle doors open as they land.

Kiyo insisted on coming on this ground mission, and since he had no real reason to leave him behind except to put space between them, he said yes and let Kiyo come with them.

They step out of the shuttle and look around.

Jacob speaks a bit about his father. He sounds as though he's angry, but also hopeful. He mourned his dad long ago; now his father might actually still be alive. His continued existence raises questions, though. Why wait a decade before using the beacon to summon help? It makes no sense.

Shepard suspects foul play. Something bad has happened here, but he keeps his thoughts to himself for the time being. He won't worry Jacob about it until he has to. He might even be wrong; he hopes he is.

The more they travel through here, though, the more he fears his suspicions are correct, and Jacob's father has become corrupted. The people they meet here, the surviving members of what's left of the crew, are strange. The women speak differently; they no longer have certain words or the memory of how to speak them, but their intentions are clear. Something terrible happened here, and they just want to go home.

The men seem violent, attacking them on sight.

They discover that when the crew was crashed here, the captain was killed and Jacob's father was instated as acting captain. The food grown here decayed the minds of whoever ate it, and it was decided that most of the crew would be forced to eat the food while the officers were allowed to eat what provisions remained of the ship's food. This eventually dwindled down until the officers had to eat the food too, or they were classified as 'dead' or 'missing', according to logs they are allowed to see.

None of this settles right in his stomach and Jacob looks just as angry as he does confused. He says his father wasn't like this; he can't believe he would do something like this. He says now that his father has had his fun and is in danger, he has set off the beacon to leave, while the rest of his crew have suffered the decay and have been forced to take extreme measures, like the men who wish to attack Jacob's father.

Jacob's father asks for their help; he says the 'crew' have put him in a special place like a form of appraisal; it's like they worship him. This, of course, is a lie, but they listen to the lies as they fight their way to Jacob. Jacob's machines and everything block their path; he says he can't change the defense systems so they will have to fight through them, and it seems he also still has some men under his control, and they have to fight them as well. He is throwing people away.

By the time they reach Jacob's father, Shepard is beyond angry. There has been a lot of careless waste of life on this planet, and Jacob's father has allowed it to happen for a decade. He could have set off the beacon when the beacon was ready, a decade ago. Instead…

But it is not his place to say anything. Not yet. Because this is still Jacob's father, and Jacob is just as angry, if not more so at the betrayal he feels. So Shepard says he is sure Jacob's father knows Jacob, and then Jacob's father is explaining how difficult it has been on this planet, and how he had to make choices he wasn't ready to make, and how it changed him.

Jacob is having none of this.

Kiyo holds the men – who are approaching to tear into Jacob's father – at gun point, keeping them back while Jacob and Shepard decide what to do with Acting Captain Taylor. They decide to turn him over to the Alliance; he will be prosecuted and justice will be served, and the people here will get help.

They leave with more questions than when they arrived, and Jacob stews in his anger on the ride back to the Normandy.


After speaking with Jacob after their return, Shepard feels another headache coming on. Not wishing to deal with it right now, he heads to med bay to get something for the pain before it can really begin. He knows it is again stress related; it has been a long, stressful day dealing with Jacob's father.

He gets the medicine, which he is told should kick in within ten minutes, and leaves to head up to his cabin to lay down until he is needed again. The side effect of these meds is that they can knock him out quite easily. He knows Chakwas could give him a different kind so he doesn't sleep, but he isn't arguing right now as he's already tired, and sleep – a deep sleep, and not the few hours he catches here and there, always interrupted either by nightmares or his crew needing something – sounds wonderful.

He isn't expecting Kiyo to be waiting for him outside of his cabin as he arrives on deck one. He spares Kiyo a quick glance as he enters his cabin, and the blonde follows after him.

"You're all glowy again."

Shepard sighs. "It's been a long day; I've already been to see Chakwas, so you can give it a rest."

He hears more than sees Kiyo shrug, his jacket rustling as he does so. "How are you, then?"

"I'll be asleep in…" He checks the clock near the bed. "About eight minutes."

"Just enough time to talk, then," Kiyo says semi-cheerfully as he sits in his usual spot at the small table. Shepard eyes him briefly, wondering if he can get away with telling him to leave, but that seems rather rude, and he did say he would discuss things later.

So he shrugs and sits in his usual spot as well.

"Speak, then," he tells the ex-operative.

Kiyo's expression sobers quickly, the smile slipping away, eyes no longer twinkling. "Why are you avoiding me?"

"I've clearly not been-" he tries.

Kiyo snorts. "You have. Ever since you told me about the dream. Why? Are you ashamed?"

"Kiyo."

"Look, I'm just trying to understand." Kiyo runs a hand through his hair, mussing it up even more as he lightly tugs at a few strands. "You're kind of frustrating sometimes, you know that? I don't know… I don't know where I stand with you, and that's… different. People are usually easy to read."

"So I'm a closed book?" he asks, feeling oddly satisfied with this. It's good to have secrets.

"You're frustrating," Kiyo repeats, tossing him a quick glare. "You say you like me, and then you avoid me. I need to know where we stand."

"We're friends," Shepard says.

Kiyo relaxes slightly. "Oh, good. I was… That's good. So we are ignoring the dream, then? And our talk a few days ago?"

Shepard runs a hand across his face. He can feel the meds kicking in; his mind is becoming increasingly more cloudy. This conversation will be over soon, thankfully, whether Kiyo likes it or not.

"I think that's best," he says calmly.

Kiyo frowns. "You think that's best. Right. So we're ignoring the fact you like me, and I said I like you."

He's not going to make this easy.

Somehow, Shepard is almost happy for the fight. He's not sure why. Kaidan never would have fought against ignoring whatever it is between them. The fact Kiyo is arguing about it is almost reassuring.

Nevertheless, he has chosen the worst time to do so.

Shepard is not himself. They have a suicide mission they must go on. There isn't time for this. They all need to be focused. Maybe after… if they still feel the same. If they are both still alive. If Shepard is himself

"Well?"

Shepard blinks, realizing he's been quiet for too long. When he opens his eyes everything is blurry. The meds are really beginning to kick in now.

"Sorry," he says. "What were you saying?"

Kiyo watches him for a moment. "I still have three minutes," he says finally. "Clear your mind. Talk to me."

After a few slow blinks, Shepard nods, rubbing tiredly at his eyes. "Right. Sorry. You were saying?"

"Do you really want to ignore what happened?"

"Don't you?" he counters.

Kiyo can't seriously want…

No. It doesn't matter.

He hates feeling like this. He once felt this way with Kaidan, except it was… different, then. They only got together in the end because going to Ilos was basically a suicide mission itself, going after Saren and Sovereign and everything. And now… Well, now it is another suicide mission. Perhaps it is the same after all.

"I think you're lying," Kiyo tells him, leaning back in his seat, folding his arms across his chest. "You don't want to ignore it."

"Says who?"

"Says me."

"And how would you know?"

It's not like Kiyo knows him. It's not like anyone knows him, not anymore, because he doesn't even know himself. Thinking about this leaves that knot in his stomach doubling, though, and leaves his head aching more which is oddly sobering, chasing the fuzziness in his mind away ever-so-slightly.

"Because you let me in here," Kiyo says confidently. "You could have told me to leave. You could have shut the door in my face. But you didn't."

"So that means I don't want to ignore it?"

Kiyo comes to the strangest conclusions.

"Some part of you doesn't want to. What are you afraid of?"

"What are you suggesting?" Shepard mutters, not sure if he likes Kiyo's tone.

He's the commander here, after all.

He frowns. What was he saying? He focuses on Kiyo's mouth, attempting to read the words if his fuzzy mind doesn't want to hear them, but it is getting increasingly hard to focus. What were they talking about, again?

"Are you listening to me?"

"Trying to," he says with a sleepy smile, blinking slowly. "What…?"

Kiyo sighs, dragging a hand across his face. "Right, you're tired. Answer me honestly, then: Do you still like me?"

"Yes," he says simply, and then scowls because somehow that's not what he wanted to say. He just can't find the words right now. Why was he avoiding this?

Kiyo smirks. He has a nice smile, like Kaidan. Except he smiles more. "And you agree with me?"

"About what?"

"Just yes or no."

Does he agree with Kiyo? He doesn't even know what Kiyo said to force this question on him in the first place. He's too tired to care right now, though, and he can feel his head dipping downward, sleep clouding his mind. The sooner he answers, the sooner he can sleep.

"Yes," he sighs through a yawn.

"You agree."

"Yes."

Kiyo grins. "Time for bed, Mal."

Mal.

A goofy smile crosses his face. It feels odd and out of place, which leaves him chuckling even as Kiyo's hand closes over his arm, dragging him to his feet. He staggers toward the bed and collapses heavily on it. Kiyo slips off his boots and they drop to the floor with a heavy thud. Then covers are being pulled up the length of his body, and the lights are being turned off.

Sleep consumes his mind almost instantly.


A/N: Okay... so Shepard may or may not be as loopy as I was when writing this... xD Sorry. I also cursed him with my headaches because... if I have to suffer so does he lol. Anyway, thanks for reading and please review!

~Muffy the Dough Slayer~