A/N: I hope you like this chapter! It sort of has a different structure from all the previous ones.
Chapter 9: Could it be another change?
Still Tuesday 27th, February 2018 (Nighttime – really late)
The hallway was deserted and pretty much quiet. Maybe because it was a weekday.
El peeked at the tall boy currently sitting sprawled next to her. He seemed to have sensed it was all quite a lot to take in so suddenly, so they'd been quiet for a while, waiting for her to stop feeling so awkward.
"So… what happened?" Eleven finally asked.
Mike timidly glanced at her, the hesitation currently clouding his face ebbing away noticeably once he realized there was no trace of anger or disbelief in El's expression.
"A few weeks into my second month in college she called me," Mike said after a few silent minutes dragged by, "I didn't really know what to say, we'd been keeping our distance for months. But she was crying… her grandfather, who ironically was the only one in her family who didn't pretend that she was anyone else than who she really was, had had a heart attack and passed away."
She remembered him telling her about Bex's grandfather passing away but, now that there was more to it, everything somehow seemed even more tragic.
"She called me because I was the only person who knew how much her grandfather meant to her. With him gone, there was nothing tying her to our hometown anymore."
"Was that the reason you were so upset that night and wouldn't explain why?" El asked, trying to piece things together.
Mike glanced at her, his dark eyes looking troubled.
Despite everything, there was something that still didn't make sense to El. Why couldn't Mike have explained all of this before? Why did he choose to avoid her when she should've trusted her?
… When she deserved to know at least something, not everything but maybe just enough not to have given in to her silly feelings.
That would have saved both of them a lot of trouble. And her, at least, some heartache.
"I realized there really was no reason for us to keep holding onto each other the way we had in high school," Mike answered honestly, "College… is different from high school. Bigger. Open-minded."
"She finally figured out that she didn't want to pretend anymore and that's what it took for me to realize that I shouldn't have to hide my feelings either."
His expressive dark eyes were boring into her, she could feel it almost like a physical touch, but El could not bring herself to face his freckled face and deep, honest gaze. Truth was, she was still afraid that it could all end up badly again.
"I should have just said something back then. I-I know that now… But I was just so confused and felt so guilty all the time."
Nothing – not his answers, not his frustration, not his words – were making any sense to Eleven. She didn't want to understand the implications.
"You see, I met this amazing girl who I couldn't seem to stop thinking about. It was nothing like I had felt or experienced before. But I messed it up and I could never make up for it," he said quietly, his voice merely above a whisper in the already silent hallway.
She could feel warm, heavy tears prickling the corners of her eyes and she couldn't figure out if they were due to the frustration, hope, sadness, or heartbreak she currently felt caught in her throat.
"But I realized I did not know how it was to actually date and be with someone for real. I had no idea of how it was like to not be in a fake relationship," he answered.
"I… I had been too lazy and comfortable to get out of it because it spared me from the awkwardness of actually having to flirt and talk and get myself out there and actually allow myself to feel something real for someone."
Eleven blinked as his words filled the tensioned air around them almost like a living presence. She finally allowed the traitorous tears to fall.
Mike was pretty much describing the same sort of sentiment she experienced whenever she thought about feelings and relationships and romance: Fear.
The irony of the situation was not lost on her.
Of course he had actually had a reason to avoid all of the emotional trouble. Unlike herself, he'd had an excuse to run away from his feelings. Meanwhile, she had been worrying all those months and coming up with excuses.
Now she could quite clearly identify the feeling boiling inside her. It was frustration, roaring like a wounded monster in her chest and mind: it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair, it repeated.
"Why didn't you say anything before?" she asked, trying to keep her voice from breaking too much, "About how you felt, I mean. I would have tried to understand."
"Before, I had never felt like I needed to have a real relationship, but I was starting to have a lot of doubts ever since I met you and that made me feel guilty. I didn't want to admit it even to myself… I needed time to sort everything out."
She was glad he was finally opening up to her about this. However, Mike's last statement had left her reeling, wondering about everything all at once. He was afraid of his own feelings for her, pretty much like she had tried to deny and suppress what she felt for him.
"So have we basically been having the same sort of insecurities over our feelings for each other?" asked El, offering him a small smile.
Mike only managed a shaky laugh at the absurdity of their situation. If they wouldn't have been so stubborn hiding and questioning their feelings maybe things wouldn't have escalated for the worst like they actually had.
What if?
That was the big question and, at that moment, both of them were sitting in the middle of an empty, silent hallway thinking about the possibilities.
Maybe in another universe, in another reality, another Mike and another El could have figured it out sooner. Maybe, this very Tuesday night they would be hanging out together, but on a whole different tune.
-….-…-…-
It had taken a while to rebuild their friendship.
The day after Mike and El's long talk in the hallway was the first one in which the whole Party – Dustin, Will, El, Lucas, Max, and Mike – had lunch together after a long while. At first, the atmosphere was a bit tensioned, all of the friends hesitant about the apparent peace. Dustin, however, had been the unexpected savior.
"Does anyone else agree with me that there was plenty of comedic material that the new Jumanji movie didn't take advantage of?" the curly haired boy had suddenly piped up with a serious expression, alarming everyone for a second.
"I mean, come on. They cast both the Rock and Jack Black!" he exclaimed throwing his hands in the air and almost knocking Lucas's tray off the table.
None of them – not even Lucas, who had an aggravated expression after almost losing his meal – had managed to stay immune to Dustin's contagious humor.
-…-
Mike and El hadn't had the chance to talk on their own again. The subject of their (romantic?) feelings for each other seemed forgotten between them – though it was something that very much preoccupied them in their own way. If they were to talk about it, they would have agreed that it was still too soon to try to figure that out.
Despite feeling restless about it and confused because there had been no chance to talk about it further, El had figured this was for the best, since it would probably be too soon and it could jeopardize their still-fragile friendship. On his part, an equally confused and restless Mike had decided to give El some time to figure her feelings out and forgive him; actually, he was afraid of pouring his heart out to her and be rejected.
What if?
Unbeknownst to both of the stubborn young adults, if they had had the conversation they were both awaiting and dreading, they could have found out that they stood pretty much on the same page.
-…-
It hadn't taken long before the six of them began hanging out after class and on the weekends like they used to at the end of last year. The Party got together almost every day for meals – except for those days Max and El usually spent time with Max's soccer friends – and free periods. El's empty dorm room had suddenly become the unofficial gathering place for when they hung out to chill and escape the cold weather outside.
However, the fact that Lucas and Max were a couple now also meant that Eleven got to spend a lot of time with Dustin and Will… and, of course, Mike.
It seemed that every minute El and Mike spent together, the iceberg of tension shielding their relationship melted a bit. Which was great, especially since the relief in their friends' demeanor (due to the end of the tension between them) was evident.
-…-
Twelve days after Mike and El's long talk in the hallway, Max's friend, Tim, asked Eleven out on a proper date. The redhead girl had actually warned her naïve friend about it a few days in advance, but El had stubbornly refused to believe it. She would never admit it out loud, but the idea that anyone could be interested in her romantically, still hit a sore place in her heart and feelings.
As soon as Tim had confidently approached her during one of the psych classes they shared, his cocky stance giving him away, El felt her stomach sinking. But, why? Why was she dreading this so much?
She couldn't quite figure it out. Was she really that damaged? Was she really that scared of relationships and feelings?
If that was true, she thought, wouldn't the best solution be to finally get herself in a relationship and confront her fear?
-…-
On Thursday, March the 15th, Eleven waited outside the building she had just had class in. She was waiting for Tim to come pick her up for their date. She nervously played with the (bit long) sleeve of her new soft beige sweater, trying to stop her overactive mind from thinking too much about everything.
She tried not to think about how he was running late.
Much like the last time they hung out outside campus, Max had helped with her hair and outfit. The understanding redhead had also patiently listened to all of El's self-doubts and mostly-incoherent rambles.
For Max everything came down to a simple question: why not?
When faced with it, except for the weird sensation at the pit of her stomach, Eleven hadn't been able to really find a good reason to refuse.
Tim finally arrived, looking weird in a dress shirt and without his usual sneakers. Nevertheless, he looked good, like he always did, El observed with the tiniest hint of indifference. They walked all the way downtown, making small, pleasant talk. Afterwards, Tim took her for dinner to the classiest restaurant their small college town had to offer. However, despite the food being amazing and Tim being his usual charming self, Eleven couldn't help but feel a bit out of place at the restaurant.
Sitting in the comfy booth, surrounded by happy couples and seemingly perfect nuclear families, El couldn't stop herself from thinking this was exactly where she always dreamed of fitting in. Feeling guilty for the direction her mind had steered towards, and not wanting Tim to catch up on her unrest, she faked a smile for the nice boy sitting across from her.
Eleven spent the rest of the evening feeling pleasantly numb, listening to Tim's funny sport anecdotes and piping in whenever he mentioned one of their psych classes.
He is nice enough, he is smart and he is handsome, she concluded by the end of their date, as they walked home.
When they finally neared her building, Tim turned towards her to say goodbye. El kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for a nice time. She genuinely liked him, he was a nice guy. But her heart did not flutter when he had held her hand as they walked home and the quick brush of her lips against his cheek hadn't elicited any stirring inside her chest.
Tim was a good guy.
Why wasn't it enough?
Why did it seem she was just waiting for something, biding the time until something else finally happened?
-…-
Tim asked her out on another date.
El graciously declined – she had already made plans to go to another screening of the AV and Cinema Club with Will. And, truth be told, she had truly become a fan of the films the club selected.
It turned out that most of the Party – except for Max and Lucas – ended up going to the screening of Donnie Darko.
They all reacted differently to it, each coming up with their own theory of what the heck all of it meant. For Mike, the plot was clearly about the scientific possibility of wormholes suddenly causing inter-dimensional travels. For Dustin (who fell asleep sometime during the middle of the movie but would never admit it), hardcore drugs probably explained the plot. For El, the story had a lot to do with the infinite possibilities reality could take. For Will, the movie was a confusing tale about parallel dimensions that ultimately explained the main character's acceptance of his tragic fate.
After the screening, the four of them went to a nearby diner.
"The thing is, was that creepy rabbit costume necessary?" Dustin asked, interrupting Mike's enthusiastic explanation of the wormhole theory.
"It added to the suspense, I think," Will intervened thoughtfully.
"Why couldn't they just put the shot guy instead?" Dustin retorted.
"Because it wouldn't have worked as well with the cryptic atmosphere of the movie," Will answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"What's not cryptic about a dead, eyeless guy following anoher guy around?!" exclaimed Dustin, widening his eyes comically.
"It's an artistic metaphor!" shot back Will, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
The usually quiet and peaceful Will was surprising them all by the minute. Dustin, who loved winning any and all arguments, took the quiet boy's attitude as challenge. Eleven and Mike, on the other hand, shared a quick glance as they watched the exchange between the two boys like it was a ping pong match.
A small, unnoticed smile creeped on El's face. There was no other way she would be rather spending that evening.
-…-…-
The only time I feel good falling
Is when I'm falling fast and hard for you
El was sitting on the copilot seat of Mike's car, humming along to the soft tune playing on her phone and looking out the window. Carelessly allowing the breeze to mess with her wavy brown hair.
Ever since she could remember, car rides were simple things that had always made her feel happy and calm.
The only time I feel good sinking
Is when I'm sinking fast and deep for you
You caught me as I was winking
Now I think my winking days are through
Max and Lucas had been planning a date out in the city for a few weeks. A situation that had actually suited Eleven just fine, since she was planning on going the city to buy something nice for Joyce to send her on Mother's Day.
The original plan was for Lucas to drive the three of them to the nearest city on Sunday morning.
However, none of them had counted on the fact that Lucas' car was still unfixed – and, apparently, beyond repair. A situation that prompted Lucas to ask for Mike's car. The tall young man, being the thoughtful person he was (and knowing Lucas' carelessness with cars), had offered to drive them there.
Which is how the four of them found themselves in the same position they had just a few months ago.
However, things were different now.
-…-
Could it be another change
To come and rearrange?
Why can't you just feel that way I do?
Despite the initial awkwardness between them after their friends left for their date, El and Mike spent all of that Sunday together. They went shopping for Mother Day's gifts for Karen and Joyce and went to an IHOP for a (really) late lunch – which was really an insanely big portion of waffles for both of them.
"I didn't remember you were such a messy eater," Mike chortled when he saw the way the sticky syrup and whipped cream were currently scattered around El's lips and mouth ike she was a small child.
She frowned at him in annoyance and, not even caring about what he might think, tried licking the syrup and cream off the corners of her mouth.
Still chuckling and without even thinking about it, Mike leaned in to wipe the mess off her sweet face – no pun intended – with a paper napkin. The moment the napkin touched her, however, their gazes locked and she couldn't stop a pink blush from tinting her neck and cheeks.
El took the paper napkin away from him, ignoring the way their finger had brushed against each other, and promptly cleaned herself up.
The only time I feel good falling
Is when I'm falling fast and hard for you
By the time they were done eating, they were surprised to see that it would only be a couple of hours before they had to meet with Max and Lucas to go back to campus. They decided to go on a stroll around a nearby park.
Except for a mother with her two kids, the place was almost empty. On an impulse, El ran towards the swings, giggling as she used her long legs to propel herself upwards. Mike watched her as she tilted her head backwards, towards the darkening sky, and closed her eyes.
A soft smile made its way across his broad mouth and he went to join her.
I can't tell if you are stalling
So if you are please tell me what to do
-…-
The night Will had been rushed to the hospital, the five other member of the Party had all gone with their friend. It had been a long, stressful couple of hours until the doctor told them that Will only suffered from a mild case of viral meningitis. Since it made no sense to return to the campus to sleep only a couple of hours, the five of them decided to spend the rest of the night in the hospital waiting room.
El found herself unable to sleep, too jittery to even lie down still. Those last few hours, fearing for Will's health and thinking about all the horrible possibilities, had been some of the hardest of her entire life. She had quietly tiptoed out onto the empty street, trying not to wake up her tired friends, and sat down on the pavement.
The cold air had been just what she needed to clear her head and let go of the horrible sensations and thoughts tormenting her. She breathed in and out and almost didn't make out the sound of soft footsteps approaching her.
Mike sat down beside her, looking equally shaken. They didn't need words to share what had brought them both out there. They sat in silent for a long while, until the darkness began to dissipate.
-…-
Almost instinctively, El tilted her body towards Mike, relishing the warmth and comfort she desperately needed. She tucked her head on his shoulder and he placed his cheek on the top of her head.
Maybe because he was beginning to feel really sleepy, Mike hesitantly gave in and touched her soft wavy hair. El closed her eyes at the feel of his long fingers brushing her neck and back tenderly.
Trying not to overthink it (and maybe because she was getting sort of sleepy too), El found enough courage to place one her arms around his tall frame, resulting in an awkward sort of hug.
When a haggard-looking Dustin barged out of the building, he saw them cuddling together on the middle of the mostly empty street. As he approached, he saw Eleven's head resting awkwardly on Mike's shoulder, both of her arms around his friend's upper body.
One of his hands was stroking her back very gently, very carefully.
Very lovingly.
Could it be? Dustin thought.
-…-
The iceberg had finally melted.
A/N: The next chapter is supposed to be the last! This freaks me out since this would be the first time I would finish writing a fanfic. About that, I was thinking I might make the story longer than 10 chapters, how would you feel about that? Please let me know what you think!
Thanks to all of you who took the time to review, I really appreciated it as I was sort of in a bad place (writer-wise). Your comments are my main motivation to keep going forward with this story.
