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Bella
1855-1914
Chapter 9
The grimness of the Crimean War is quickly replaced with the horrors of the American Civil War. Carlisle and Bella follow in the wake of the fighting, trudging through gore and the terror that mankind can inflict on one another. The weight of so many unending days spent patching together soldiers doomed by poor leadership or insufficient gear bursts upon Bella in September of 1862. The field hospital groans with the influx of so many injured following the battle of Antietam, and Bella cannot move. She stands transfixed and shaking, unable to process what is happening around her. Distantly, she knows that there is a vortex of movement surrounding her: cries of pain, cries of fear, cries of despair. Abruptly, she drops what she is holding, has just enough self-control to walk at a brisk human pace, slips into the patchy woods flanking the tents, and then runs, away.
Carlisle tracks her by scent sometime in the grey fog before dawn of the following day, finds her huddled at the foot of a large tree. He had thought her absence strange, but grows even more concerned at her lack of response when he touches her. "Bella?" he calls her name repeatedly, and sighs in relief when she stirs even a little. "Bella, talk to me. What is wrong?"
Bottled emotion bursts from her, "I…I can't do it anymore, Carlisle. I can't watch them die. I can't stand it anymore. They're children! They shouldn't be shooting one another! I'm sorry. I just hate it too much…" Even this confession is hard-wrung from her, torn between the contempt she feels for her own weakness and the certainty she feels that, if she remains, the growing bitterness of her heart will rival the hardness of her skin.
"You don't have to, Bella. You don't have to," he repeats over and over, as he curls his body around hers and rocks her gently. He had thought her able to hold the despair at bay, but her breakdown convinces him that to do so would require her to fracture her very soul. This is not a transformation that Carlisle can tolerate, so despite the good that they can do, Carlisle insists that they leave the service of the Union and travel the wilderness for a while.
For years, they seem like wandering gypsies, or knights on a quest. What are they searching for, Bella wonders? What Holy Grail lures them onward? Ever the physician, Carlisle's prescription of wide-open skies and wild game to hunt does mitigate some of the ache tugging at Bella. There are moments of real joy, running so fast it feels how she imagines flying might, stopping not to catch her breath in exhaustion but at the wonder of the rugged beauties found in nature. The mountains and plains of America are so sparsely populated, Bella and Carlisle can occasionally indulge in the glories of a bitterly cold, crystal blue day, letting their skin throw more sparks than the ice or snow banks around them can rival.
Eventually they trade in their nomadic lifestyle for what Bella dubs their 'Agrarian' period. For almost twenty years, Carlisle and Bella avoid large population centers. Though there are difficulties associated with small town life, particularly the close scrutiny of a small community, Bella finds that the natural cycles of planting and harvesting are genuinely restorative. She would have never imagined this life for herself: living on a homestead in the state of Wisconsin; it feels a million glorious miles away from before. Carlisle serves the rural communities as a doctor, while the two of them take earth that has been abandoned or rejected and find a way to make it live. The overt symbolism is not lost on Bella, but she cannot deny that she feels more whole than before, so she pours both her hurt and her hope into the land, grateful that it flourishes as a result.
Regardless of where they settle for six or seven years at a time, some facts remain constant: Carlisle's impressive gallery of artwork, the roughly hewn crucifix from his father's church, and books. Books neatly stacked and catalogued (Carlisle's) and books cluttering flat surfaces or propping open doors (Bella's). The extension of the railway makes the delivery of a crate of new books a much more frequent occurrence – one that excites Carlisle almost as much as it does Bella.
While Bella recovers her equilibrium, scientific knowledge grows rapidly, singing a siren's song that Carlisle cannot long ignore. The development of Pasteur's germ theory of disease leads to the rapid development of vaccines for a host of ailments, and Bella can see the way it pains Carlisle to live so removed from it. He has sacrificed so much for her for so long, she is happy to suggest that they return to 'civilization' so that he can participate in the exciting new application of science and medicine. Bella's experiences broaden as their move to Cambridge, MA places her in a position to enroll in Harvard's "Annex" for women. She thrives with the challenge and discovers new strengths within herself of which she might never have conceived.
Though their un-aging faces prevent them from remaining in Cambridge as long as either Cullen would like, the knowledge gained through research is quickly put to good use. Carlisle is determined not to lose touch with the practical applications of his knowledge, and so they begin a decade long trek through westward through Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois. Carlisle sets broken bones and inoculates the next generation from illnesses that would have once been deadly. Bella can see the great pleasure he finds in working with patients, and she wonders not for the first time whether she will ever feel as much purpose in her life as Carlisle seems to.
They are living in rural Illinois when fighting breaks out in what some are determined to call The Great War. Carlisle is grieved to find that the cynicism he had thought to vanquish in Bella is quick to resurface, particularly when the whole of Europe seems determined to jump in the fray. In the end, Bella's bitterness overwhelms her compassion, and they decide to separate for the first time since her rebirth. Carlisle cannot ignore the cries of the poorly doctored soldiers abroad, but Bella cannot find it in herself to witness once again the pointless, wasteful injuries inflicted by one man upon another. She is afraid this war, even viewed across an ocean, will return her to the bitterness she has spent the last fifty years trying to undo: thinking of humans as 'them' - separate and alien from herself.
In all his years, she believes Carlisle still holds them close, thinks of himself as a different branch of the family tree. Bella, on the other hand, is becoming so discouraged by the direction human culture seems hell bent on heading, she has privately begun wondering whether there is a point to abstaining from human blood, saving human life. Individual lives, people with histories she knows and families she recognizes – those are easy to value. But lumped together as a species, working collectively as countries, she wonders (usually when reading the newspaper) if she might not be happier holed up in some remote corner of the wilderness alone. She cannot share these doubts with Carlisle, certain as she is to see only compassion and what will amount to forgiveness in his eyes. Bella deals with her doubts by throwing herself even more determinedly into charitable service, as though by will alone she will pull herself back from the brink of disbelief.
In 1915 they resurrect the name of Cullen, moving into Chicago when Bella learns of Jane Addams's work with the Italian American immigrants at Hull House. Carlisle stays long enough to help establish their identities and Bella's role as a young woman of means, dedicated to serving the poor. Their farewell, as he prepares to board a train that will take him to New York and then a steamer to the ravaged trenches of France, is a quiet but heartfelt one.
"You are certain in your course?" he asks again, for the hundredth time.
Bella swallows reflexively, and nods her head once, mutely, throwing her arms around his neck. She realizes in this moment of spontaneous embrace how rare it is for them to touch, how rare it is for Bella to touch anyone. He squeezes Bella tightly against him, communicating so much in such a simple gesture: faith, regret, hope, concern. He pulls away minutely and looks deeply into her eyes, eyes that are the same liquid amber as his own. A part of Bella registers that there is nothing unique to their farewell: human or vampire, they are surrounded by other pairs of loved-ones bidding painful good-byes.
"Write to me often. Be honest, and tell me to return if you have need of me. And you know you can join me at any time, if you change your mind."
Bella smiles at Carlisle- a real smile that reassures him that she will be all right, but that she will miss his company, too. She inhales a long breath, full of his scent, thinking of how some moments seem to stand apart from the general flow of one's life, separate and distinct.
For seventy-nine years, they have shared a life, worked side by side, and now Bella finds that she is abruptly grown-up -- both as a woman and as a vampire, ready to see exactly how strong she is.
A/N: Thank you to each of you who have taken the time to read and review. I am sincerely grateful. Next up, our 3rd person POV shifts to Edward!
