Elrohir.
He was not sure if he had always been awake or not but his eyes were closed. He was lying on the ground and in the background he could hear a ragged sobbing coming, he knew, from one he loved. Soft voices murmured in the distance. Nearer to him was a clear conversation.
"I will take him and calm him down Estel."
That was Elladan, he thought, when did he get here? Another voice sounded from beside him.
"Do not worry for Elrohir. I will see to him."
Aragorn was there too then.
"Is that wise Estel, should I send someone to help?"
"I think we can manage not to tear ourselves apart Elladan."
He kept his eyes closed and thought on what he had done. With the anger drained away suddenly he could see what he had not before. Legolas's terror as he approached. Was he some kind of monster? Why had he allowed himself to lose so much control? Perhaps he could simply stay here, never open his eyes and avoid facing up to the damage he had caused. The thought was quite tempting.
He noticed all was now silent, but a firm steady hand fell upon his shoulder.
"I know you are awake Elrohir. Open your eyes."
"I cannot." He said, although it was truer to say he did not want to, so in the end he did. To his surprise what appeared to be two Aragorns danced grim faced before his eyes. He frowned.
"There are two of you?" He asked uncertainly.
Aragorn smiled at him.
"That was a nasty blow you took. Did you forget Legolas has a good right hook?" He said gently.
He did not answer for surely he did not deserve any comfort be given to him. When the Aragorns had merged in to one he attempted to sit up sending the garden spinning rapidly around him. He swayed and felt Aragorn's strong presence suddenly behind him holding him up. Now he could see why it was so silent. They were alone.
"Where is he?" He asked
"Elladan has him, do not worry."
"How can I not?" He gasped, " What have I done? I am such a fool Aragorn, how can you bear to be with me?"
"You are no fool, Elrohir. He has pushed you to your limit. Your reaction was understandable...at least I understand it."
"I have hurt him. I have made things worse. I thought things were improving, he was beginning to trust me ... now... I have ruined everything."he felt utterly and completely wretched.
The surroundings steadied and he pushed himself away from Aragorns support.
" Why are you even here?" He asked.
Beside him Aragorn smiled again.
"Gimli came for us. He felt your discussion with Legolas might not go well."
"He was right." He sighed, overwhelmed by self hatred but Aragorn placed his hand on his arm.
"Look at me Elrohir." It was the last thing he wanted to do, for he would see the shame on his face.
But Aragorn would not let him hide.
"You are not alone in this, you are not! Do you think you are the first to shout at Legolas today? What do you think my reaction was to his news? I can tell you he was frightened of me too but it did not stop me. I know what it is like for you. I know the pain his words cause and I know that understanding why he does it does not help."
He hung his head, his first reaction had been to snap back, how could Aragorn understand any of it? Was he suggesting he was as close to Legolas as he, Elrohir was? But he had seen the looks of pain on his face when Legolas flung his anger at him, he knew how it hurt his brother and a part of him was so very glad not to be alone with his pain.
"What can I do? How can I mend him?"
"You can't." Aragorn replied. " None of us can, he must do it himself. His healing must come from within. We will take him to Ithilien, perhaps Elladan is right, it is the best place for him, away from men and with his own people. Then you can return here with me. Some time apart may help things."
"I do not want time apart from him! " he cried. "So long have we spent away from each other. You have no idea Aragorn, you cannot comprehend the years we have spent separated, and it is too much for me now. It was supposed to be different after... But it is still the same, still he chooses to be away from me."
It was at the heart of his pain, the separation and Legolas's choices after the Ring war. He understood none of it except that he did not want to be away from him now.
Yet still Legolas ran from him.
...
Legolas.
Early morning sun streamed across the courtyard showering them all in its warm glow of light but the warmth did not reach him as he stood in turmoil surrounded everywhere by Men. He felt Gimli's presence standing staunchly at his back, sometimes he felt as if the solid unswerving love of the dwarf was all that kept him upright.
A shadow fell across him and he jerked his gaze upward, to find Aragorn standing in front of him, stern and serious.
"We are ready to depart. Are you prepared?" His tone was almost harsh, angry and frustrated and it made him cringe mentally inside.
"Yes." He nodded but in truth he was far from ready for this. The thought of the journey terrified him, he had spent the night awake imagining endless nightmare situations that could befall them.
His eyes drifted over the heads of the Men to Elrohir, standing beside Elladan. Briefly his caught his glance before Elrohir averted his eyes steadfastly looking in the opposite direction.
" How is Elrohir?" He asked not moving his gaze from his lover. He had not seen him since their altercation in the gardens. When he had regained his composure he had wanted to go to him, to apologise, but his courage had deserted him in the end and he had stayed away. He had hoped Elrohir might come to him, had spent the evening wishing for it, but he did not.
" He has a headache." Aragorn sounded displeased with him and he turned back to look at him.
" I am sorry...for what happened ...I did not mean to harm him." He knew it was not enough.
"And yet you did." Aragorn replied.
"He is my brother Legolas, as much as I love you, as much as I know why you do the things you do, I cannot stand by and let you cause him pain."
It was a familiar refrain to him, the brothers, standing together, without him, and he had struggled with it for years. But it was not usually Aragorn aligning himself against him and that pained him.
He opened his mouth to protest, to try to explain but Aragorn was not in the mood to listen and he raised his hand to stop him.
"He has gone through this before, you know this Legolas. This is his worst nightmare come to life again." He spoke of Elrohir's mother of course.
"How can I know when he never, never speaks to me of that." He snapped. It hurt him, Elrohir's reluctance to let him in and share that pain.
"Because you still know the story. He does not speak to me of it either, never has he done so but I know. He lost her, she left him, left them all, and now...he is terrified of losing you as well."
"He will NOT lose me! I have told him this. He will not lose me because...because losing him would destroy me. Destroy me more than I already am."
The pain of that thought gripped his heart and shredded it into pieces.
"You may have told him Legolas, but deep down he does not believe you." Aragorn sighed and ran his hand through his hair in frustration.
"You must have more control." His face was closed and hard as he looked at him. "We know you are hurting and in pain but that does not give you free reign to hurt. You must stop this Legolas before you ruin those you love."
Aragorn turned to go and he knew in those last words he had been refering to himself as well as Elrohir. How he longed to reach out and embrace his friend, to let him know he still loved him.
Instead he cried out,
" Well soon I will be gone and you will be free of me. I will bother you no longer when I am in Ithilien. I am sure you will all be much relieved!"
He regretted the words as soon as he said them for it was just what Aragorn had meant and they were cruel and untrue. Aragorn's shoulders flinched as the words hit him and Gimli, behind him grasped his elbow.
"That was uncalled for Legolas."
Aragorn turned to face him once again, still and silent.
At last he spoke and his words broke his already battered heart.
"I miss you Legolas."
And then he was gone.
