There are religious themes in this chapter, so if you object, you have been warned. ^.^ Now, on with the good!


I floated in a dark oblivion for what felt like ages. There was no light. No sound. No touch. No scent. Nothing but dark void. In spite of this, I slowly became aware of a presence, or maybe many presences, floating with me, around me. I felt on display, but not uncomfortable. On the contrary, these unseen companions seemed all together incapable of making me feel anything less than completely safe. I tried to speak, but no longer had a mouth or throat with which to produce sound and found that to be nothing more than a bit peculiar.

I tried to look around, but had no eyes with which to see. I tried to reach out, but it was as though my very body no longer existed and through all of these discoveries, I felt nothing more than a vague curiosity at my new state. The beings around me moved and I felt warmth and comfort, as though I were a child being held by my mom again. I'd have smiled then if I could have.

Light flared over me, blinding, and I gasped. The worst pain I'd ever felt tore through me and I would have screamed if I hadn't been choking on my own blood. I heard screaming from somewhere to my left and a roaring close to my right. A sharp jab of pain sunk into my left shoulder while I struggled to breathe, to mindlessly escape the hurt. I had enough of me left to register the presence of a large, warm, dry hand tightly holding my own smaller, clammy right hand. There was a low, soothing rumbling in my right ear and another hand gently stroked my hair. Gratefully, I let the void swallow me whole once more.

This time the void was different. I was surrounded by many distant points of light. At first I thought they might have been distant stars, but that made little sense. I could not have survived the vacuum of space and this was no longer a void, if ever it had been. I looked at each point of light in turn, each, remarkably, a different color and brightness, and came to believe that these were the unseen presences from before. Each brightened when I looked at them in turn, as though acknowledging the attention, and I was unbelievably curious about them. I wanted to move closer, but something held me back.

I tried more than once to go to those distant lights, but it was like I was anchored in place. It was frustrating. I'd always been curious, always the dreamer, and here was an opportunity that was passing me by. But the lights sparkled and moved as though to ease my frustrations and I let them, strangely comforted by the display.

Again light flared. There was a horrible pressure weighing down on my chest and I gasped, trying to draw air into my starved lungs. My muscles jerked and ached as though someone had been trying to pull them from their bones. I began to convulse, a fine ringing in my ears drowning out all sound, but oblivion stole me away once more and as it did, I knew that my hand remained firmly in the care of that other when my vision faded.

The strange space had changed once more. I looked around and had never seen such beauty. Trickling waterfalls in a vibrant garden full of plants I had no name for and some that I did. There was thick grass under my bare feet and everywhere I looked light shone brightly, caressing, no… embracing, everything though it seemed to originate specifically from one spot in the sky. The crystalline lights that I had seen earlier drifted overhead, singing beautifully in a language I almost understood, and I couldn't imagine being more content and at peace. My curiosity was gone in the presence of such a place and I decided then that I never wanted to leave. Not for any reason. I was filled to overflowing with a warm, quiet euphoria and I turned my face to that bright light in the sky, eyes closed, and smiled. I was home.

There was a sound behind me and I turned. I hadn't expected to see anyone else and I was already smiling with a greeting on my tongue, happy to share this beautiful place with someone. The words froze in my mouth unuttered. The woman was roughly my height with the same cinnamon-colored hair as myself done in a bob. Her eyes, like my own, were the blue-green of Caribbean waters and she smiled gently to me. I tried to walk toward her, but something held me back, "Mom?"

"You're always getting into trouble, Baby." she shook her head.

"But Mom… I'm not… I thought you were… Where…?" I was suddenly not feeling very peaceful. I was confused. Very, very confused.

"You need to go back, Baby. There are people waiting for you. And you know how your sister is."

I tried to go to my mother again, but something had a hold of my right hand in a vice-like grip and was tugging me back with a strength I couldn't fight, "Mom!"

She smiled again, happier, "Don't worry about me, Baby. I'm just fine! You go take care of that boy of yours. He's absolutely beside himself over you!"

I turned to yell at whoever was pulling at me, but there was no one there. Turning to look back at my mom, I saw instead a black mass that stood over eight feet tall and wore a black mask. The eyes of the mask seemed to burn me while that grip on my hand pulled me away. I was not afraid, not at all, but something about the figure chilled me and I finally allowed the unseen hand to pull me away. I turned my head again and opened my eyes, blinking up at the ceiling and its ghost-like light that filtered down. I blinked again, confused. That transition was… really weird. Where was I now? I looked around at the sensor screens, and the medical and scientific equipment. Luar'ke-de's ship. The sound of slow, even breathing drew my attention to the sleeping Yautja at my right, still clinging to my right hand… My strange… clawed right hand. I sat up slowly and took a deep breath to keep from panicking. I was on Luar'ke-de's ship. I was safe. No need to panic. Reaching up with my left hand, I carefully felt at my face. Lips and no mandibles, but running my tongue along my teeth, I noted that I now had fangs that could rival Dracula's. I struggled to keep my heart rate down.

I looked at my left hand and the stripes and spots along my arm. My skin was done in rust and different shades of brown, while the inside of my arm was a lightly toasted cream, not green and blue like Lar'ja or Luar'ke-de. Instead, it was the same coloring as that rat bastard, Ka'vin'tek, that had caused so many problems three years ago. I started to get angry, then pushed it aside. What good would that do me now? Though my skin was still soft, it was also thicker than it had been. My nails weren't nails anymore. They were thick and black talons and I wasn't sure what to feel. Panic, anger, frustration, and depression were warring for supremacy in my chest, but also a quiet happiness. Lar'ja had stayed by me and hadn't had to. I wanted to get up and find the holographic imager, but that would wake him. He must have been very tired to sleep through my own waking. He usually didn't no matter how still I was, and right now I really wasn't. I was too grateful to him to intentionally wake him up. Let him sleep. He deserved it.

The door slid open and Savanna peeked in. Our eyes met and hers widened in shock. I tried to gesture for silence, but was too late. She rushed in, exclaiming, "Jessie! Oh my God! You're awake! How do you feel?"

Lar'ja jerked awake, suddenly tense and alert, and I rolled my eyes at my sister. She cringed, sheepish. Lar'ja's hand tightened around mine and he seemed to realize that I was no longer laying back. His voice, when it came, was concerned, his face angled up toward mine, "Baby Jess?"

"I'm fine, Lar'ja…"

I was suddenly pulled, wide-eyed, into his lap and a nearly bone-crushing hug. He had his face hidden in my hair and was purring loudly. I looked in shock to my sister who watched sadly, "He's hardly left your side all week. He seemed sure that if he stopped touching you, someone called Cetanu would haul you away."

"Week. Did you say 'all week'?"

She nodded, "It was really horrible, Jessie. I don't think I'll ever get those images out of my head. At one point, you started bleeding from your eyes and nose, your ears… It was everywhere. It even seeped from your pores. Luar'ke-de said your body was replacing your blood."

I stared, "What? Are you serious?"

She nodded, solemn, "Your heart stopped on five different occasions. On the last one, he said he wasn't going to bring you back again. That was just yesterday. Lar'ja-thwei yelled at him, but Luar'ke-de said he was done. Said Cetanu wanted you and he wasn't going to fight him anymore. Then Lar'ja-thwei started yelling at you instead. Demanded that you come back and that you weren't allowed to leave him behind. He also said that if you didn't come back, he would follow you, hunt you down, and drag you back and that he didn't care how Cetanu raged, you were his first. His words, not mine. I thought Luar'ke-de was going to sedate him, but you're heart just… started beating again. All on its own. Luar'ke-de said that if you were capable of defeating Cetanu on your own in order to come back from the dead, then he was never going to go easy on you during your training again."

I blinked at her, wide-eyed. That was… a lot to think about, and I didn't think I could take it all in right away. In fact, I knew I couldn't. All through the recitation, Lar'ja clung tightly to me, purring and trilling, right hand buried and fisted in my hair and he was ignoring my sister completely. It was almost as though he were afraid I would vanish or something. I curled against him and if anything, his purring got louder, heavy arms forming a protective cage around me. I looked over the table at Savanna and our eyes met, "Anna… I saw Mom… We were in a garden with these… lights overhead. There was music, Anna. I've never heard anything so beautiful."

Her eyes were huge, "You were…"

"Unless it was a really nice dream."

We were silent for a while and she looked down, then back up, "I was worried… that you were going to be different. I'm glad that you're still my Jessie."

I smiled, "Hell, Anna. I was just in Heaven! As far as I'm concerned, that was all the green light I needed to keep being me!"

"Pain in the ass." She laughed.

"Always. And I couldn't help but notice you'd begun calling the boys by their names…?"

She frowned with a sigh, "It was really bad, Jessie. I was terrified for you. But they didn't give up. They fought really hard to keep you alive. A human wouldn't have. Not consistently around the clock for a full week, anyway. By day three I had really given up hope, but they hadn't. I don't really know what you are to them, but I can't hate them now that I've seen that. I just… I just can't. Not even for what's been done to me. And him," She nodded to Lar'ja who had started to pet me, "I've never seen such… devotion. It was a week of worst-case scenarios and he stayed by you through all of it."

"Said she would not be alone. Meant it." he frowned toward her, voice gruff.

Ah, so he was bothering to listen.

He smoothed his left hand down my back and I realized that at some point, someone had dressed me in my sports bra and shorts combo. I looked at my hands with their new claws and sighed, then back to my sister who smiled sheepishly, "You know, your eyes are really pretty now… Shiney and gold with a bit of their old color around your pupils."

I rolled said eyes with a huff, "Thanks. I think I need the imager. At least I can still see the same way as before."

The door slid open and Luar'ke-de, looking about as sleep-deprived as I'd ever seen, glared at the empty table, then at me. We stared at each other for a minute, then I smiled and waved, "I love you too, Luar'ke-de! I had no idea you cared so much!"

He scowled, mandibles clicking shut, and snarled, "Mei-jadhi… Crazy if you think I would put up with inconsolable, temperamental Yin'tekai-di and enraged, grief-stricken Lar'ja-thwei because of you. Defeated Cetanu on your own. Expect better during training. No excuses!"

For all of his blustering, though, he looked relieved. As though he really did care. Touched that he would bother showing even that much, I played along and let him keep his dignity, "But all I saw was a garden and my mom, dude! There was no fighting! Besides, I've been mostly dead all day! Cut me some slack!"

Savanna choked on a startled laugh and grinned down at her feet. Luar'ke-de looked at her, then glared at me, pointing one clawed finger, "No excuses!"

Lar'ja chuckled, "Hope you can wait, Luar'ke-de. Have my mate back and wish to spend time."

My teacher's scowl deepened and I was suddenly uncomfortable, "Uhhh… Bad timing, Lar'ja…"

He clicked in confusion, "Why bad? Almost lost. Wish to be close. Enjoy you…"

"Well… Luar'ke-de said…I mean… Luar'ke-de, was it my imagination or did you say a week ago that I could probably become pregnant now?" I stared at him. His brow ridge went up.

"This is true. Probably."

I turned to Lar'ja, who looked very confused and more than a little hurt. I felt bad about it, but what else could I do? "So yeah… I don't think so."

"You do not wish to carry my young?" his brow ridge was lowered, mandibles closed loosely over his mouth, head canted like a bird. I'd never seen him quite so dumbfounded. Luar'ke-de, deciding he'd rather not be a part of this discussion, ushered a perplexed Savanna out of the room with a clawed hand on the back of her neck and the door slid closed behind them.

I sighed, fidgeting on Lar'ja's lap, "Think about it… We're wandering around space, hunting. Why would you drag a pregnant woman around when hunting?"

He shook his head, "That is all, Baby Jess? No problem. Said before; will protect you and youngling. Meant it. Know that you can take care of yourself, but would hope you could depend."

"That's very sweet, Lar'ja, but then there would be a kid to take care of. I wouldn't be able to hunt anymore. I'd be stuck on the ship."

"By then will be on home world. No problem, Baby Jess!" he was emphatic, as though he were trying to ease my mind. It wasn't working.

"And would I just stay there, then? I would have to because you and I both know that this is no place for an infant. And who knows how your people would react to me, Lar'ja? And a kid? Bad idea right now and you know it. And what about poor Luar'ke-de? This is his ship! We've all just kinda taken over. He's an Arbitrator but he's spending all of his time trying to help us."

Lar'ja grumbled, then sighed, "Bad week, but new form. Exotic, sweet. Want to love but can't." He huffed, frowning, "This sucks."

I grinned and wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him, comforted by his warmth. His arms circled my torso, holding me close, and he purred. Kissing him on the cheek, I curled up close, "What a good boy."

He snickered, "Am I Pouncer now?"

"Nah. I love you more."

"Good answer, Baby Jess. Still want, though."

"I know. I can smell it. We might need separate rooms." I said, but he growled.

"No. Mate still. Will not allow separation."

"I was joking, Lar'ja"

"Not funny." He sighed and traced the lines of my face lightly with his right hand, "… Are you well now? Do not want to experience again. Died, Baby Jess. Yin'tekai-di spoke true. Would have followed."

I thought about that for a moment, taking stock of just how I felt now and pulling back to look at my now unfamiliar hands, "Well… physically, I feel better than I ever have before… It's hard to believe that my heart stopped just yesterday. This is so strange. I have claws Lar'ja. And skin like yours. Well, the coloring is different, but still… On you, these things are great… But I'm human. I'm supposed to be human. I can never go back to Earth and mingle with other humans, now. Hell, if I stayed human because I was in a human atmosphere and changed because I went to a Yautjan one… Would I change back if I went back to Earth? I mean… I just… feel like I've lost something really important that I'll never get back."

He growled and put one clawed finger in front of my nose. I had to go cross-eyed to look at it, then looked past it into his scowling face, "Beautiful no matter what, Baby Jess. Can feel changes and wish I could see. Can picture. Exotic and beautiful. But almost died. No more changing! Yes? Will not allow! Still stronger than you!"

His mandibles were set in stubborn lines, brow ridge drawn low. I was grinning and trying not to laugh. Poor Lar'ja. Gently, I pushed his hand aside, then coaxed his mandibles open. Confused, he allowed me and I kissed him on his chin, watching his blank eyes soften, "I promise, Lar'ja. I don't want to go through that again. Not even to become human and I get the feeling that it wouldn't work anyway."

"Possible, Baby Jess. Am sorry." He pulled me tightly against him and I laid my head on his shoulder, "No mating will be difficult."

I snickered, grinning, "I'm sure Luar'ke-de would let me move into an empty room, Lar'ja."

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Missing for three years, died and came back… Will go insane if you do not stop, Baby Jess. Yes? Insane. We share a room. You stay close."

"Poor Lar'ja. I'm turning you into a nervous wreck, aren't I?"

"Yes! And not appreciated!" He huffed, a grumbling sort of growl low in his throat.

I hugged him again and he pulled me close, growl turning into a purr, "I wanna get to that imager you rigged for me."

He huffed, "No need. Told you already. You are beautiful. You stay here."

"But I want to see what I look like now! C'mon, please? I'll love you forever!" I grinned, watching his upper mandibles twitch.

Smirking, he huffed and let me go, shaking his dreads out, "You said before, Baby Jess. But fine. Can never say no anyway."

I was grateful, very grateful, to know that no matter what, I always had Lar'ja's strength to depend on. It kept me together as we walked out of the med bay and helped me act as though nothing had changed because to Lar'ja, nothing really had. I'd had my near-death experiences, but I was still his Baby Jess. To him, what had happened was done and over with and now it was time to focus on something else. It was how he operated once something had been resolved, and in his mind, this was resolved. He neither knew nor understood my need to see my new self, but knew that it was something I wanted and so allowed me to keep the focus on this for a little longer and I appreciated it. There were times when I believed whole-heartedly that I didn't deserve him. This was one of those times.

As we walked, my throat started to tighten and I expected to have to fight back tears, but they never came. Instead, I made a mournful series of purring clicks in my throat and Lar'ja froze at the same time I did. Shock cut the sound short, but Lar'ja had already turned to me and pulled me against him, purring and trilling in an attempt to make me feel better.

"Not so bad, Baby Jess. Still love. Still beautiful. Ooman still, but able to survive among Yautja. Beautiful sound. Be happy, Baby Jess. Not alone. Never alone." he rumbled quietly.

I loved him. My heart squeezed hotly with it and made me cling to him and he welcomed me near. Now that I'd made the sound once, it was easy to again and I couldn't seem to stop. I hid my face against him and I cried, but not like any human ever had. It was all too strange for me and though I'd been ok in the med bay, I was suddenly melting down because I was making sounds I shouldn't be able to make and Lar'ja loved me regardless. Each rolling sound had an edge of a whine to it and I prayed that Luar'ke-de would avoid the hallway for a while. There was no way he'd let me live down sobbing against Lar'ja in the corridor.

I slowly managed to get a grip and I put myself back together with as much grace and dignity as I could muster. Lar'ja let me go then, when I pulled back, with a final caress over my hair. Now that I'd gotten that out of my system, I was ashamed of myself and muttered, "Sorry…"

He huffed, angling a frown down at me, "Not sorry. Am your mate. Honored to share. Died, Baby Jess. Changed. Prove my point. Ooman still. If not, would not be bothered. Sad is ok. But be strong like always. Do and never really change."

I looked up at him for a moment, then reached out and took his hand, a human gesture that he had conformed to in the past that was probably more for my sake than his, and couldn't stop the small smile from entering my face. The two Yautjan warriors I lived with still believed I was human, and whether it was a dream or I really had been standing in Heaven, I had looked the same as always. I didn't have mandibles and I wasn't suddenly taller than Lar'ja. He was right and I was being a ninny.

"You know I love you, right?"

His mandibles pulled into a grin as though I had pleasantly surprised him. He preened, purring, shoulders squared and impressive muscles flexed, "How not? Am the best, Baby Jess. No other compares!"

My eyes went wide and I covered my mouth with a hand. I was having a hard time not laughing. Earth really had been a horrible influence on him. Maybe he had been genetically modified to include some peacock DNA? I shook my head, "You're the limit, you know that?"

His head tilted and his upper mandibles pulled into a smirk, "Have been told, Baby Jess."

"Good. Then don't do that anymore. It makes you look ridiculous."

We walked down the corridor toward the room that held all of the gadgets that Lar'ja liked to tinker with and he shook his head in that strange rolling motion, "Why ridiculous? You liked."

"I liked it because it was funny. It was funny because it was ridiculous. It was ridiculous because you're Yautja, not hum- Hey! Stop flexing! Good God. Stop it, stop it! Oh, honestly!"

I rolled my eyes while he laughed at me and I led the way into the room, trying to ignore his antics. The door slid closed behind us and I walked further in to the dimly lit room. It had once been where Luar'ke-de kept his armor and weapons, but once his name as an Arbitrator had been made, the small workroom was no longer big enough. The holographic imager, a sort of three dimensional mirror, remained in the far corner however. Because he no longer used it, I'd had Lar'ja change it the first week I was aboard ship to reflect images in full spectrum, not infra red. I walked over to it and stepped in front of the sensors, my three dimensional self stepping into view at the same time. At first sight, I had to close my eyes and take a calming breath.

I don't know what I had expected really, but this was something of a shock. My skin was a rusty red with a dark brown pattern much like that of a tiger shark. Dark brown chevrons ran down the length of my arms and legs and the insides of my limbs were a toasted cream color, as was the center of my torso up to my face. And my face… My God. Red swept the sides of my face and into the skin around my eyes with dark spots accenting. Red and dark brown then swept up into my hair line only to come back down the center of my forehead to form a point just above and between my eyebrows. My eyes, framed by the dark brown of my patterning, stood out now as something truly alien. My sister was right, they were pretty, but frighteningly unfamiliar. Burnished gold but with rays of my old green-blue color around the pupils. I still had eyebrows though, and my hair was still the same cinnamon color as it always had been. I took comfort that my hair was the same. Made me feel more like me. But something else caught my attention as well.

I was muscular.

Uber muscular.

In fact, I hadn't known I could look quite so... built. Huh.

I tilted my head and I looked at myself again, trying to look through the perspective, not of a human, but of an observer. Taken from that point of view I had to admit; I was pretty hot. Lar'ja shook his head, "Well, Baby Jess?"

I took a fortifying breath, "I think I can live with it."

He grinned, "Going to have to, Baby Jess. Remember? No more changing!"

"I remember. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget."


Another one I didn't really need to mess with. Makes me happy.

As always, I own nothing. ^.^

Happy Reading!