Thank you guys for reading and reviewing. As always, it's hard to write sappy, emo stuff.


There's a reason God makes you look so ugly when you're grieving. So people will leave you the hell alone!

-Christopher Titus.


Chapter 9:

Say Goodbye? Can't someone just shoot me instead?

I hated dressing up for any occasion. The day we were burying my dad was no exception. I had spent most of the past thirty-six hours either hiding in my room or spending time with my mom. I have no idea how she was able to continuously accept people's condolences. It was always weird to see people that we hadn't seen in years show up and offer us some kind of food platter they'd made. Like casseroles and cookies were going to make the pain any better. I almost threw a container of tuna casserole at one of my mother's friends when she'd offered me "comfort" food.

I was just irritable because Sam and Emily were still at my house. I wanted them to leave and never come back. Emily was very kind to Seth and me, and she did a lot to help out around the house. It was weird for Seth when she did the laundry. He was freaking out about our cousin touching his underwear.

Fortunately, Sam wasn't around as much because of our werewolf duties. He had been splitting his time between running as a wolf and helping my mom with arrangements. His generosity bothered me, but only because I didn't like to admit that we needed his help. Luckily I didn't have to see him very much because he was redefining some perimeters with the others.

One of the Cullens had returned and was spending time with Bella. I didn't care because the vampire was keeping Bella off of our land. She'd apparently tried cliff-diving and had almost drowned the day that my dad died. She was such a moron. But since her precious friendly vampire had returned at least I didn't have to see her around here stuttering how sorry she was about my dad. If the bitch tried to offer me her condolences, I might just wig out on her and tear her head off. If she hadn't gotten involved with the vampires in the first place none of this crap would have happened. Hell, maybe dad would still be alive.

His heart wasn't exactly in tip-top shape, but I had a sneaking suspicion that the fact that his two kids were werewolves didn't help the situation. And because vampires existed, werewolves had to exist. Stupid, stupid vampires.

I was drawn back into reality when I heard a knock at the door.

"What are you doing in there, Leah?" Sam questioned.

"I'm worshipping Satan, Sam. Leave me alone." I rolled my eyes.

"You've been in there for quite some time." He sounded concerned.

"Conjuring up the Dark Prince takes time," I snapped back.

"Look, I know that you're going through a tough time right now…" No shit. "...but don't you want to be with your family?"

No. Not really. Dealing with my pain was enough. I don't know if I could handle Seth and mom's heartache as well. I know how incredibly selfish that was, but I was barely holding it together. I didn't like being vulnerable. Every time I had shown weakness in the past, it had brought me nothing but grief. I hated being emotional. Man, being a girl always bit me in the ass.

Sam softened his tone, "You've been in there for three hours. I'm worried about you, Lee-lee."

All the hair on my body stood up when I heard his pet name for me. I let out a low growl. I just wanted Sam to leave. To go back to his stupid perfect life. I mean, yeah, it's great that some people get to live out their little fairytale endings with the perfect partner and the white picket fence. Doesn't mean I had to be happy about the shithole that my life had turned out to be.

"Are you okay in there?" What, was he afraid that I was slitting my wrists or something? Wouldn't solve anything, anyway. I'd probably just heal. The freaking werewolf thing was interfering in my life in every way possible.

I pressed my back against the bathroom door.

"Sam, go away!" I sighed as I let my back slide down the door.

I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. I sighed as I rested my head on my knees. Dad's funeral was in a few hours.

"I'm not going to leave you like this." He was jiggling the handle on the door.

I let out an aggravated sigh.

"Relax. I'm not cutting my wrists in here. It'd be too messy." I paused. "Besides, if I want to kill myself I'll just wait for the next blizzard." Crap. That wouldn't work, either. Now that I was a werewolf cold weather didn't bother me.

I heard him huff angrily, "Not funny, Leah."

I wasn't really going to kill myself. I'd made a stupid promise to my brother that I wouldn't hurt him and my family again. I couldn't kill myself, so I was going to have to settle for doing the next best thing: bitch about how crappy my life was, and joke about how I'd almost died a month ago.

"Open the door." Sam continued to freak out.

No one got my morbid sense of humor. It only made me miss my dad more. I think my comment had really freaked Sam out. That made me smile to myself. Making him uncomfortable was fun. He hurt me, so it was my turn to hurt him. Payback's a bitch.

I don't know why he still cared about me. I knew how much he loved Emily. His thoughts conveyed that all of the time. That was another reason I was sitting here on my bathroom floor wanting to curl into a ball and die. I had just started to accept that Sam and Emily were getting married. I figured that I could just grit my teeth as they exchanged vows and then I would never have to see them again. But changing into a werewolf shattered those plans. Now I had to see how much Sam loved her every time I phased. And I knew I was going to be phasing a lot. I had a horrible temper.

"Why? What's the point? I kind of like it in here. Nothing bad ever happens in a bathroom." Unless, of course you're Elvis.

"Won't you please just open the door so I can see that you're okay?"

"You're arguing with me. Isn't that enough?" I questioned.

He finally lost his temper with me. "Why do you make everything so difficult?"

Nice way to talk to someone who just lost her father, jackass.

I shrugged angrily. "I've been a disappointment since the day I was born. Why should today be any different?" Nothing I ever did in life was good enough. I sucked at everything. I wasn't special enough to keep Sam with me, I was constantly fighting with everyone I knew because I was unhappy, and I was barely functioning without my dad around. Why was there nothing I could do right? I just wasn't good at life.

I could tell Sam felt bad about snapping at me. "It's not your fault," he said. "He had a heart attack. There was nothing you could have done."

"Gee, thanks for the clarification, asshole." I knew that the situation had rendered me helpless. I didn't need Sam telling me that. "Look, we aren't together anymore, Sam. So don't stand out there playing the white knight in shining armor. I don't want your help, and I don't need your sympathy. You left me. You don't get to keep me in your life…" Well, except for when I was a werewolf. "And you sure as hell aren't going to be the shoulder that I cry on. Now take your head out of your ass and listen to me when I say this: Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone."

Five minutes later, Emily was the one at the door.

"Lee? Can I come in?" I grunted. Of course he would sick Emily on me. He knew that I couldn't be a bitch to her.

I knew that I wasn't going to get rid of her, so I begrudgingly opened the door. We glanced at one another and I sighed, "Tell Sam I won't be late to my own father's funeral."

"Sweetie…" She gave me a quick hug. "You don't have to go through this alone."

What if I wanted to go through this alone? I had told everyone time and time again that I wanted to be left alone. Maybe they should have taken the hint that I'd like time to process my father's death by myself. Sometimes people just need to be alone with their feelings.

"Yeah. I know. Thanks." I nodded. Now why don't you go bake something and get off of my case? My cousin was one of the lucky few that didn't have to deal with my anger. I had learned to control it around her. And now that I was a wolf, I think that was going to be hugely important. Since I had found out that Sam had been the one that mauled her, I respected her more. She stayed with him because she loved him. She knew he felt badly about the accident. But it still made me sick to my stomach for two reasons. One: because they loved each other that much. And two: to think that Sam had been the one to hurt her and not a bear was a bit intimidating.

I slid back down to the floor and let out a loud sigh. I thought about what might be said at dad's funeral today. I'm sure there would be lots of sappy tender moments. I had to hope that there would be some funny anecdotes as well. Perhaps Billy or Charlie might tell the story of the time that the three of them had gotten drunk while fishing. I don't know whose bright idea it was to see who could last the longest with a fish attached to their lips. When he got home I asked my dad why it looked like someone had injected collagen into his mouth. He had grinned at me sheepishly. Or there was the time that Billy dared Charlie to try the bait. That poor worm. If I had been subjected to living in Charlie Swan's vomit I would have begged for some huge fish to come along and rip me in half. I sighed. My dad was such a big kid. The older I got the more I realized that boys just never grew up.

I started to feel warm. I groaned and laid my cheek on the cool tile floor. Emily watched me curiously.

"What are you doing down there?" she questioned.

I sighed, "Looking for my dignity…" I was able to sit up. "I'm just feeling kind of sick to my stomach," I admitted. I had thrown up the day dad died. I felt like I might do that again right now.

Emily offered me her hand and I stood up. My family was going to get sick of pulling me off of the ground.

"I know a good home remedy for nausea." She led me into the kitchen. Of course she did. How much more perfection could my cousin be hiding? She made up some Godawful shake that smelled like ass, looked like curdled milk, and tasted like the two combined. But believe it or not, it actually worked.

After I was feeling better, she and Sam disappeared to get dressed for the funeral. I was already suited up. It's not like I had anything better to do when I woke up this morning. As I sat at my kitchen table I stared at dad's empty chair.

Mom entered the kitchen and smiled weakly at me. "Out of the bathroom I see."

"Not by choice." I laughed softly.

She sat down at the table and took my hands.

"I told them to leave you alone. I knew you'd come out when you were ready."

If it were up to me I would never have come out of the bathroom. Locking myself away sounded like a sensible thing to do. I couldn't hurt anyone if I was behind a locked door.

My mom interrupted my thoughts, "I'm proud of you and your brother." She made a pained face as she continued, "And your father would be proud, too. You and Seth have been a Godsend these past few days."

My poor mom. I could see that she hadn't been sleeping. I didn't blame her. I really hadn't been sleeping either. And from the lack of snoring in the house I don't think that Seth was faring any better than us.

"How are you holding up, mom?" That was the most generic thing in the world to ask, but my insomniac brain couldn't do any better.

She pat my hands. "I'm okay. It's…difficult. I keep expecting him to walk through the front door. And I miss sharing the bed with him. He hogged the covers." She smiled sadly. "But…I'm just taking it a day at a time. I know I've got you and Seth. And that helps tremendously."

I still didn't understand why my dad was dead, and how I was still alive. By all accounts, I should have been dead a month ago. I wanted to be dead a month ago. My dad loved his life. He loved my mom, and she loved him. And Seth was a great kid with a wonderful life ahead of him. Out of the Clearwater household, if anyone should have died, it should have been me. Why had I been the one spared?

"I wish there was more I could do to help," I admitted. "I just…screw up in every aspect of my life…"

"No, you don't," she disagreed.

"I can't name one thing I've done right in the past year." I glanced at mom. "I wish I could be a better daughter for you instead of this sorry excuse of a disappointment that weeps and whines and cries about how unfair life is." God, I had become Bella Swan. Geeze, I needed to get a hold of myself.

"You are not a disappointment, Leah," Mom said firmly. "Everything that has happened to you has made you a victim of circumstance. But instead of just accepting it, you have the courage to fight back and to question and challenge everything that you don't agree with. Whether you see it or not...you are extraordinary."

I smiled. "I love you, mom." Three words that I had a tough time saying. Not because they weren't true. But because they stung me when I said them. I had spent four years of my life saying that to Sam, and I thought I meant them. But since he'd left me, every time I heard those words all I could think about was the love in my life that I had lost. It's difficult to love someone. Because when you do it hurts so much more when they stop loving you back.

"I love you, too, honey." She slid over to where I was sitting. "More than you'll ever know."

Seth walked in wearing a pair of black pants and a dress shirt. I was wearing the exact same thing. And so was mom. We looked like a bunch of emos. All we needed was to paint our nails black and put on a bunch of overly dramatic eye-shadow.

Seth sat down and sighed, "You both look nice."

I frowned. "Dad would hate it. It's too much black."

Seth smiled. "Yeah, I never understood why he was so fond of the color pink."

"Salmon. He liked salmon. He used to get so mad when I told him his favorite shirt was pink." My mom smiled at the memory of my father.

Seth laughed. "Hey, Leah, do you remember the first time he put that shirt on? You told him he looked like a giant bottle of Pepto-Bismol."

"Yeah. And then any time I was sick he would wear the shirt to make me feel better." I loved my dad's humor. And his magical pink shirt worked any time I had an upset stomach.

We laughed as we reminisced. Death has a funny way of making you remember events that you thought were long forgotten. When we ran out of things to talk about we just waited silently for time to pass.

When it was time to leave mom put one of her hands on Seth and the other on me.

"He loved you two more than anything. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, mom." Seth nodded with tears in his eyes. "We know." He shuffled out the front door to take a moment to be alone. Mom and I slowly followed.

At the funeral I did my best not to get too upset. The last thing I wanted to do was lose control of myself and explode in to fur. So I spent most of my time with my eyes closed taking deep relaxing breaths through my nose.

The only time I opened my eyes was when Charlie and Billy were speaking to me. Billy didn't do some stupid heartfelt speech like I thought he might. Instead he told me about how my dad had reacted when he found out that he and mom had a baby girl.

"He was so excited. He couldn't wait to put you in cute little pink outfits and show his baby girl around town." Billy laughed. "Turns out, every time he put pink on you, you screamed bloody murder." So, I'd hated the color pink even as a child. That was interesting to know. Billy put his arm around me. I didn't mind so much being hugged by him. He was like a second father to me. "He was a good man, Leah. And he did a hell of a job raising you and Seth."

"Thanks, Billy."

"Look, kid, I'm right down the road. You can always come to me."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Billy went along to mingle with the rest of the mourners and Charlie approached me quietly.

"I'm so sorry about your dad."

"Me, too." I'd heard this speech a million times now. It was always the same. And it always ended with the same pathetic look that everyone gave my family. Pity. I hated pity.

"He was a great guy. I'm gonna miss him like hell," he sighed. "I knew him for a long time." He nodded. "And I know it might not mean much...but I want you to know that if you or your mom or Seth ever needs anything…" He trailed off. "Well, you know, you've probably heard it a thousand times today."

I looked at Charlie, waiting for the look of pity to wash across his face. But it never did. He just smiled softly at me. The look that he gave me was one of sympathy. He knew what I was going through. He, Billy, and my dad had been like brothers. I know how much I would be hurting if I'd lost Seth. Charlie genuinely cared about my family. He was a pretty good guy. I felt bad for him because his daughter was a complete lunatic.

I really wished that Charlie had hung around with me longer, because as soon as he walked off a dozen other people crowded me, all whimpering and sighing their apologies. I couldn't wait for the funeral to be over.

The gathering after the funeral wasn't much better. There were too many people around and it made me uncomfortable. Strangers were hugging me and telling me how sorry they were. After a while, I decided that I was going to hide out on my back porch. I sat down at the top step and sighed.

I hadn't slowed down to think about much these past few days. I was just trying to keep my attention diverted elsewhere. But sitting here in the silence of the evening I realized how alone I felt. I closed my eyes as a gentle breeze blew. The cool air felt good on my face.

I thought about the last conversation I'd had with dad. Did he know how much I loved him? Had I said it enough? Had he ever forgiven me for the past year of me being such a hateful little shit?

If I closed my eyes tight enough I could still smell his scent. I could hear his voice. My hands were shaking in frustration. Why did it have to be my dad? Why did this have to happen to my family?

"Why did you have to die?" I don't know who I thought I was talking to. "You said you'd always be there for me, dad." I huffed. "How am I supposed to get through my life without you?" I shivered as tears filled my eyes. "I miss you." God, did I miss him.

My hands were vibrating wildly now. I was just so angry. And I hated him so much for dying and leaving us alone. I knew that I shouldn't hate him for that. It made me feel incredibly guilty. It's not like he'd woken up that morning going, "Hmmm, I think maybe I'll have a heart attack and die today." Still, I cared so much about my dad that I knew it was okay for me to hate him. Because that hate came from love.

I looked inside the crowded house and grunted. I didn't want to go back in there. Every freaking person in town was squeezed into my tiny little living room. I thought about where else I could go, or what else I could do. Maybe I could run my frustrations out. I pictured myself flying on two feet. Then I remembered that I had four.

I bet right now would be a good time to phase, just to get away. Everyone I knew was here. Sam was here. Embry and Quil were with my brother. I think I had even seen Jared running around the house somewhere. That only left Paul and Jacob.

I stood up. I'd rather take my chances with Jacob and Paul being wolves than to sit around here feeling sorry for myself all night. I couldn't start to cry again. Because I would never stop. I walked away from the house. I was thankful that everyone was indoors and not out here with me. Streaking into a crowd of mourners probably wouldn't be a good idea. I could just hear someone saying, "Yep, that's Harry Clearwater's little girl...all grown up...he'd be so proud..."

When I got into the woods I threw off my clothes. I closed my eyes to concentrate. This would be the first time I was phasing into a wolf on purpose. The change was much different than when it was some forced reaction of my emotion.

I could feel one other wolf. It was Jacob. Thank God. I would take Jacob over Paul any day. He was the lesser of two evils. Jacob was lost in thought. It was hard for me to tell, but I think he was upset about something.

What are you crying about? I leaped into the forest in a run.

Leah? He slowed his pace. He was very surprised at my presence.

Yeah. For once I didn't grow fur because of my temper. I needed to get away for a while. I shrugged.

And so you came to spend time with me. I'm so thrilled, he said sarcastically.

I let out a wolfy grin. I was thankful that Jacob wasn't treating me any differently. At least I could count on him for consistency.

Listening to you whine about your problems is better than dealing with mine. I answered honestly.

He grumbled something about stupid leeches and then let out a sigh, I don't know if you want to be in my head right now, Leah. There's a lot going on. He whimpered about having some open wound in his heart. Sissy.

Aw, do you want me to kiss it and make it better? I joked. He didn't respond. Whatever had happened had him really distressed. What's going on that has you so upset? Did you find out that the tooth fairy isn't real?

It's those stupid leeches.

The tooth fairy is a vampire? I didn't miss a beat.

Those rotten bloodsuckers ruin everything. Jacob complained. Bella is running off to save her precious vampire boyfriend. Fucking dick.

I thought Bella and Edward broke up. I shrugged. And also…he's a vampire. What could he possibly need to be saved from? Garlic? Van Helsing?

No. He went Italy. Supposedly there's this group of old fart vampires that can rip apart their own kind in a matter of seconds.

Sounds like Heaven. I laughed.

Apparently, Bella's "boyfriend..." he sneered, ...wants to kill himself.

He should have just come over here. I would have done it. I had a lot of anger I needed to work out. Plus, I needed to practice this whole "slaying" vampires thing.

You and me both, Jacob said. But Bella loves him…

So?

Killing him would hurt her. And I don't want to hurt her. He paused. Although, she has no problem hurting me.

What are you talking about?

She's going after him. And she might get killed in the process.

If she was stupid enough to go into a city of vampires the bitch deserved to die. Thankfully, Jacob didn't hear that thought. He was so caught up in crying about losing his beloved Bella.

I begged her not to go. I told her to stay here…for me.

Of course she wouldn't. She was a selfish brat. She rarely thought of anyone other than herself. And I knew this about her after spending all of two minutes with her.

I thought she would stay. But she's on a plane with the psychic vampire…who apparently can see what the leech is doing. He keeps changing his mind and doing things differently.

And now this was getting way to complex for me to care about. I stopped Jacob from telling the rest of his story. Eh, too complicated. I changed my mind. I didn't want to hear about this. And I don't really care.

Jacob sighed, Why is life always so complicated? He frowned. My day sucks.

We buried my dad today. I reminded him that he wasn't the only one with problems.

It was silent for a minute, then he responded. You win. He paused. I laughed and then he continued, The funeral was nice. I wanted to stay longer, but Sam wanted someone running. That explained why I had only seen Jacob with Billy for about a fraction of a second. I just figured he couldn't handle all of those emotional people in one place. I knew I would have bolted, too...if I could have.

You didn't miss much. A lot of sobbing, a couple of whimpers, and a few drunken cries.

We ran in silence for a few minutes, and then Jacob let out a huff, I know you're tired of hearing it, but I really am sorry about your dad.

Thanks. And I'm sorry your little girlfriend left you.

No you're not. Jacob laughed. No, I really wasn't. But thanks, anyway.

God, what a pair of pathetic whiny losers we are. I laughed. I was beyond thrilled that Jacob was treating me the way he had always treated me: like crap. I needed some normalcy at the moment. What are we going to do now?

Jacob thought for a moment. I don't know about you, but I'm going to take all my aggression out on this crazy redheaded vampire that keeps showing her pale-ass face in town.

That sounds good to me. I increased my speed. This whole "running as a wolf" thing felt pretty good. Maybe this wasn't so horrible after all. At least now I got to kill something. That would help my pain.

I guess for now I was just going to have to focus on ripping apart vampires, and maybe that would be enough to keep me from remembering how horrible my life had turned out.

Yes, I decided. It was the vampires fault. They needed to die.

The End


A/N: Hope the combining of the one-shot and the rest of the story wasn't too confusing to anyone. I appreciate everyone who read/reviewed. I should have gotten my lazy ass back to edit this story months ago. Better late than never I guess. Happy holidays, everyone. :-)