AN Brace yourself.


Felicity leaned back in her chair, resisting the urge to rub her hands over her eyes. From the moment she had sat down in her desk she had been working nonstop, trouble shooting computers, fixing login errors, connecting people to Queen Consolidated's main system. It wasn't hard, but it was tedious work, mind numbing in its monotony. Someday she would be promoted over to the R&D section of IT and then she would actually be challenging herself. But that still was not today.

The thing that got Felicity through was the reminder that she was being fast tracked through her career. Queen Consolidated had been hesitant to hire someone so fresh out of college for one of the upper level positions, no matter how intelligent she might have been. But her internship at STAR Labs had given her an enormous leg up, and she knew that if she could just bide her time her leap for Queen Consolidated would be paid off. Even if she had to currently settle for the handhold job she was grossly over qualified for.

She checked the clock, wishing the next twenty minutes would just go already. It was starting to feel like her lunch break was the only time she got to breathe. Things had steadily become more hectic since Thanksgiving, with work, family visits, and last minute decisions to drive out to Gina's place every week all stacking on top of each other.

Felicity stepped over the uncomfortable rustling in her head that involved tree swings, impromptu naps, cuddling, and the certain someone they all involved. She instead chose to focus on Caitlin's trip to Starling. She was flying down to Los Angeles and had a hefty layover in Starling. Felicity was excited to be able to see her friend for the first time in over a year, and the two of them had planned to spend the entire afternoon together. And, if Felicity was being honest, she was eager to make the most of the time and hear some of Caitlin's staunch advise on...whatever the heck it was Felicity was doing. Things had been swirling around in her head since her latest visit to Gina's, clamoring for attention that she didn't know how to give. There was just so much that Felicity wasn't ready to tackle, and she felt that things would be much better with a fresh, non-Felicity pair of eyes.

…Maybe she wasn't eager. More insistent. Worried over? Completely and absolutely dreading some of the things Caitlin might say?

Felicity put her head in her hands. She really didn't need this the week of Hanukkah.

"Hey, Felicity, are you finished troubleshooting Johnson's computer?" Manuel asked, poking his head into her cubicle. She straightened, hoping there wasn't a red mark on her forehead.

"Oh, uhm, no, not yet. It might be a virus, but I think it's just that stupid scheduling program we've got to use. It's so glitchy it's amazing we get any work done."

"Don't let Denise hear you talking like that," he said with a smirk. "The way she pitched that thing, you'd have thought it was her baby."

"Makes enough of a mess to be one," she grumbled lightly, earning a wink from Manuel before he walked away.

Felicity turned back to her work, but didn't start right away.

Did…Manuel think she kept her deeper thoughts to herself? He had certainly felt like he knew her enough to help her move her furniture, but beyond that…did he believe that she hid her less sociable thoughts, like Oliver said?

Nope, nope, she wasn't thinking about this, it was just going to become a muddle and lead her to other groggy places and then she'd probably get distracted about Oliver looking up at her, eyes sincere in the dark and looking so, so pretty and making her want to throw her arms around his neck and hug him until neither one of them could breathe or—

Felicity groaned and leaned back in her seat. She stared at the ceiling and wished she could take back all of these very inconvenient feelings until it suited her schedule a little better.

Felicity managed to get through the next day until Caitlin was in town. She beamed when she saw Caitlin near baggage claim and pulled her into a hug. Immediately the two of them were talking as they walked out to Felicity's car.

"Oh, how've you been?" Felicity asked.

"I've been good. Dr. Wells has us working on this new project making smart fabrics. Barry's dying because he's only part time at the lab."

"You dyed your hair?" Felicity asked, noting the distinctly blond tilt to the bottom of her red hair.

"Yeah, a couple of weeks ago," Caitlin said, smiling and running a lock through her fingers. "I wanted to shake it up a bit. Ronnie wasn't in love with it at first, but it definitely grew on him."

They drove into town and at Catilin's request, they stopped for an early dinner at one of Felicity's favorite food trucks. It was perhaps the best and only vegetarian place that Felicity would allow herself to eat from, because somehow their black bean burgers managed to beat out real hamburgers, made with spices like cilantro and oregano and delicious.

They walked as they ate, Caitlin more than delighted to be able to stretch her legs after the long plane ride. But soon enough the cold was chasing them to the warm confines of Felicity's car. Snow had finally fallen over Starling, a fine, consistent haze that had yet to stop for more than a few hours. According to the weather man it would keep going all week.

Caitlin admired Felicity's apartment when she was shown inside, expressing her particular delight over the modern yet cozy furniture (the Christmas lights were yet again a big hit, for which Felicity high fived the blog she had stolen the idea from).

Ditching their coats and shoes by the door, the two women moved into the living room. Caitlin was discussing a recent article she had read on women in the work place when Felicity said, "Hold on, leaving the room but still listening; keep talking!" She popped into the kitchen to grab her lighter, then walked over to the living room window.

"Could you hold on a sec?" she asked Caitlin, the long-necked lighter poised above her menorah. Caitlin frowned a moment, then seemed to notice the set of candles on the window sill.

"Oh, yeah! Go ahead," she said, then sat very still as she watched Felicity. Trying not to feel self-conscious, Felicity recited her prayers and then began lighting the menorah.

"How long do you let them burn?" Caitlin asked once she was finished, watching the delicate lights flicker against the dark pane. Felicity stepped back, eyes also on the candles.

"At least half an hour," Felicity said, then returned to the kitchen to put the lighter away.

"It's so…peaceful," Caitlin murmured. "I mean, this is only the second time I've seen someone celebrate Hanukkah, and the other time was with you during your internship, but it always seems so much less…commercial than Christmas."

"Well, it depends on the person celebrating it, same as every holiday," Felicity said, returning to the living room.

"I didn't even know it was Hanukkah," Caitlin said.

"Yep. Ends on Tuesday," she said, sitting down next to Caitlin.

They continued talking, moving into the kitchen once to get drinks, but then migrating back out. At the back of her mind, Felicity felt her anxiety over Oliver growing stronger. She tried to tune it out, but some part of her was demanding that she tell Caitlin, that she ask for help because she had noticed the way she felt so happy snuggling next to him, the way his touch after their discussion by the swing had made everything seem better. She noticed the way her stomach jolted when she thought about seeing him again on Friday and it terrified her to no end.

Felicity attempted to distract herself with the conversation, but nothing worked. By the time she got up to refill her glass, Felicity had decided that she needed to tell Caitlin or she would honestly explode.

Felicity let the conversation wander for a few minutes after she returned to the couch, then broke in with her own topic during a lull.

"Caitlin, I think I made a bad mistake," she said, half-terrified, half-relieved at the words coming out of her mouth.

Caitlin frowned in question.

"I…hired Oliver again."

"Oh?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Yes. I don't even know how it happened. I wasn't going to, I was going to just leave it at Thanksgiving, but…then I was talking to my Aunt Gina and she said she wanted us over, and then I was arranging for him to come over for Gina's birthday and Hanukkah and ooooooooooh I do not think this will end well."

"Wait. Stop. You hired him for two more days?"

"Yes," Felicity said, shrinking where she sat.

"Okay. Why…is this so bad?"

Felicity glanced at Caitlin from the corner of her eye, dreading saying it out loud. It was just so pathetic.

"Because he's hot and kind and I just kind of want to climb in his shirt and kiss him until I can't see straight," Felicity confessed in a blur, then grabbed a throw pillow and hid her face. She listened for Caitlin's response, heart pounding hard enough to knock her off the couch. But she wanted to hear Caitlin's advice, no matter how mortifying this all ways. Caitlin was smart and level headed and not likely to fall in love with an escort.

No. Felicity was not in love. She might have had a very inconvenient crush, but she wasn't in anything quite so damning as love.

She snuck a peek at Caitlin. The other woman was blinking repeatedly, expression slack as she stared into space. Felicity didn't need staring into space, she needed an eye roll and a firm 'no you're not get over yourself'. Caitlin looked at her, searching for answers.

"You like him?"

"Yes," Felicity sighed, barely letting the word squeak through the couch cushion.

"When—how? How did this happen?"

"I don't know!" she half-wailed. "One moment I'm paying him, completely fine with never seeing him again, and the next I'm laying in bed, spooning him after falling asleep to whispering about our dreams!"

"Wait—you were in bed with him?!"

"We were fully clothed, taking a nap!" Felicity huffed, practically throwing her arms in the air. Out of all of that, Caitlin was preoccupied with the idea that they had sex, not that they were confiding their wishes to each other. One seemed far more important to Felicity, and it was not the one Caitlin was thinking of. "Platonically, platonically taking a nap."

Caitlin stowed away her piety for one blessed moment and gave Felicity the kind of guarded pity she needed to snap out of it.

"Felicity…he's paid to do stuff like that. It's his job to make it seem like…there's more."

"I know," she moaned. "I totally know that, that's why I feel so miserable. I mean, this...it's not real? But then another part of me is pointing out that he's different in some moments. I can tell when he's putting on a show, when he's playing the perfect boyfriend. He's flawless, charming and easy going and handling any awkward, off the wall thing I or my family says." The exact qualities that had struck Donna as so false. "But then sometimes, it feels like…I don't know, not that. He isn't slinging out prepared statements or whatever, there are times when we're talking and he gets quiet after I ask or say something, like he's really thinking, considering what he should say against what he also could say. Does that make sense?"

"Not quite," Caitlin said, shaking her head. Felicity sighed, trying to find another way to explain.

"Oliver…it's like when he told me he could speak all those languages. He got quiet, careful, and when he spoke it was like he wanted to make sure every word was right, like he was really working at it. He'll tell me things like how he wants to travel, or just—little things," she said finally. "Little things, like forgiving it when I ramble or offering to sleep on the floor in case I wasn't comfortable napping on the same bed as him, things he didn't need to do or say. And—and when we took that nap, he…he was so careful," she said, voice slowing down. "He picked up my hand so he could shift positions, but he was so gentle, careful not to wake me, and then he just held it afterward, letting it sit on his chest."

It was never the big things that made Felicity like Oliver, not his looks or his arm around her shoulders or even him getting along with her family. It was him being interested during her nerdy tirades and pushing her on the swing or remembering the small details about the things she said. It was the little things that made her think maybe—

No, she was not doing that. Liking her escort was bad enough, but carelessly imagining he liked her back was…that was begging for trouble.

Caitlin frowned at the cushions between them, then looked back at her.

"I can see how this could cause problems. But can't you just cancel with him on Hanukkah?"

"I don't want to, that's the bad thing!" Felicity flopped back into couch cushions. This was so perverse. "I mean…it's just for this last time, right? I can't afford him again, anyway, and I'm not going to become one of those people who pays a human being to have feelings for them."

She scowled at the wall, thinking about Oliver. She probably shouldn't see Oliver again if she wasn't sure if she could be around him without being dead obvious. But it was only for that last time, the last time for her to see him be handsome and delightful and be even more sincere and wonderful than she already thought. That wasn't fair for her to do to herself. Then the unsteady whispers at the back of her mind slunk forward, carrying her mother's doubts with them.

"It's stupid, anyway," she said, hardly aware of speaking. "I mean, Oliver is…it's not like I'd be worth the kind of boyfriend he's being."

"Excuse me?" Caitlin asked.

Felicity shrugged at her. "I don't think I'd normally get a boyfriend like him. He's…his kind of guy would probably be looking for a girl that's a little…more."

"No," Caitlin said, and the granite in her voice was enough to make Felicity straighten. "No, you do not get to talk about yourself like that. He's paid to seem perfect, Felicity, that doesn't mean he is really!"

"It's not the perfect moments I'm interested in," Felicity pointed out, almost exasperated. "It's the others, stuff like that…how am I going to get that with a guy?"

"Where is this coming from?" Caitlin demanded. Felicity shrugged again, suddenly feeling caught.

"It's not coming from—this isn't—I'm not—"

"No, you think you're, what, not good enough for him?"

Felicity pursed her lips, thinking, Well, there's a reason it hasn't happened yet.

It sounded uncannily like her mother.

"Why do you think that?"

Felicity continued with the unknowing shrug, almost afraid to answer. Caitlin let out an annoyed huff and looked away.

"I don't know, I mean…Oliver is…when he's being just himself, he's so much more… I don't know," she repeated. "Maybe I'm just—I'm too distant for stuff like that."

Felicity closed her eyes. Of frakking course she had to say that. She thought she had been stuffing that away for a later date. Now Caitlin was staring at her like she was crazy.

"What are you even saying? You're distant?"

"I—I—it's something I—I dunno," she said, the words tumbling out in an awkward haze. "I mean, it's…I've kinda been wondering about it. I mean, it's just something that came up when I was talking to Oliver the other day. We were talking about something stupid, and then I asked if he had any other questions, because I was convinced I'm an open book! And then he said I wasn't?"

Felicity stared at Caitlin in desperation, trying to get her to understand and agree with her. But at the same time...she didn't want Caitlin to reaffirm the hollow echoes going around Felicity's head. She wanted Caitlin to punch through the doubts and denials Felicity had been spinning around herself for so long. But oh, was it scary.

"And that really threw me, because he's the hard one to read, really," Felicity continued, completely unable to stop now that her damn had been cracked open. I told you, getting details about his life was like pulling teeth, and I gave him a folder about me when we first met. Isn't that literally being an open book? But then he said he could have figured all of that out, and I started to get nervous because he started pointing out things that I didn't really talk about, not just my name and height and crap like that, but the important stuff, the deep stuff, and I felt really weird because that's something you should talk to people about! But he didn't seem bothered by it, he wasn't judgmental or anything, it was just him stating a fact for me. And I—I don't tell anyone anything."

"Yes, you do," Caitlin said. "You talk to me, Cisco, and Barry about important things."

"Kind of. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack telling all of this stuff to you now!"

"Felicity, Felicity, calm down," Caitlin said, raising her hands in a soothing gesture. "Listen. It's okay to not share everything with everyone. Why are you so worried about that?"

"It feels like lying," she confessed. "You're supposed to be honest with people, right? And not talking about this deeper stuff feels like—feels like I'm hiding things."

"Okay, not true."

"But that's what it feels like! I mean, there's all of this big stuff going on that I'm not telling anyone. I mean, it feels like everything I do now is just a big lie I'm telling everyone! It's all hiding and pretending and lying about everything. I feel like a fraud."

"You are not. Are you telling me literally everything you've done is a lie? Your schooling, your job?"

"No, that's—that's different! I know I'm smart and capable, no questions asked, but that's not me, Felicity, that's Felicity's work. Me as a human being...all of the personal stuff is…not real," she whispered, the realization hitting her with a lump in the back of the throat and a heat in her face. "I've been running around with an escort, pretending that he's my boyfriend and I haven't been feeling anything about it, Caitlin. It's just another thing I'm faking to my family, just another lie I've been feeding them."

Felicity felt the hot, embarrassed tears fall onto her cheeks. She didn't know where this was all pouring from. Her revelation by the swing had felt earth shattering enough, but there was more hiding somewhere in her chest and making it hard to breathe.

"And now that I know just how much I'm faking for them, I'm realizing how much I can't—" She swallowed, trying to find the strength to force the words out past the tears that were falling even harder. Her grip on the throw pillow was enough to make her hands hurt, but she couldn't let go, not now, not when everything else seemed to be falling apart. "All of this deeper stuff, I'm not—I'm not telling people because if I do then it's onlyshowing how much I'm not meeting their standards, showing how much I'm falling short. My family, they have all of these expectations that it's so obvious I can't live up to, like how I can't even find a real freaking boyfriend!"

"You're not failing anyone," Caitlin said sternly. "Who cares if you don't have a man?"

"My family!"

"So?"

"They're my family. They expect me to be with someone, happy, doing something with my life, but I couldn't disappointing them yet again by saying that I didn't have a boyfriend, so I hired one!"

"Felicity, why haven't you told me any of this before?" Caitlin demanded, alarmed but clearly trying to be comforting. "You've never mentioned any of it before."

"I don't know," she said, but that wasn't right, either. She pulled her knees up to her chest, clamping her arms around them hard. "I just—it's been…here, I guess. Everyone's expecting these things from me, and I don't—I couldn't—I'm not good enough," she half sobbed.

Caitlin put a hand on her shoulders, letting them sit in silence for a moment. Felicity tried to control herself, snatching a few tissues from the box on her coffee table, but they ended up a wet ball clenched in her hand. Caitlin looked into her face, eyes serious.

"Felicity, have you told anyone else this?"

She shook her head, afraid to open her mouth in case she let out a high pitched screech made of panic and frustration and anger and terror and shame.

"And you only realized all of it while speaking to Oliver?"

She gave a gesture somewhere between a nod and a shake of the head, not really sure of anything anymore.

"A-a little of it," she managed. "But the rest of it, I-I-I don't know, it's been at the back of my-my head." She squeezed her eyes shut, like maybe that would make all of this go away. When she opened them again, she wouldn't be a tear soaked mess on her couch, she would be talking to Caitlin about her Christmas plans with Ronnie.

Caitlin thought for a moment, then let out a slow breath. "Do you know why you're telling me this now?"

"I don't—I don't like talking about it. It feels like complaining," Felicity whispered. The words slipped from nowhere, but they were painfully true. "I want people to like me. I want to like people and I want them to like me back. I don't want to be whining or anything around them, I want to be good things. And I thought I was being honest with them, thought my babbling was at leaststraightforward, but all of this stuff is happening and it feels like I hardly know who I am anymore! I'm not who I thought."

"Oh, stop it," Caitlin snapped, her hard tone making Felicity jump. "Stop it, now. You've got enough problems, don't make them worse than they are. Sit up straight," she commanded, and Felicity obediently straightened, sliding her feet to the floor. "You need to value yourself for what you are. The only thing you genuinely like about yourself is how smart you are, but even that's not about you in your head."

"I like myself," Felicity said defensively, smearing at the mascara-y streaks on her face with her tissue.

Caitlin gave her a look.

"I like my fashion, my sense of humor, how compassionate I am, how friendly I am…"

"Okay, good. But you honestly think you can like yourself if you don't think you're worth being liked? How can you be enough for someone else if you're not good enough for yourself?"

"This really isn't about Oliver and if I'm worth him," she sighed.

"I wasn't talking about Oliver! I was talking about your family, the guys allegedly refusing to date you, all of it. Felicity, if you honestly believe you're good enough, then you will be."

Felicity looked away from Caitlin's soft tone, hating how it ground against her skin. Not good enough for herself. Was that true?

"But I…" The protest died before it fully left her mouth. She thought back the discussion with her mother. Felicity's quiet pleas and reprimands had been so useless as she asked that Donna treat her better. Maybe Donna's determination to look at her daughter's lopsided match and assume something was wrong was due to Felicity's inability to convince even herself. She sucked in a breath.

She had been demanding fairness from her mother even when convinced of the truth of it herself. Ugly murmurs of she's right had filled her head, previously unnoticed because Felicity had been entertaining them for so long. Hadn't the exact same thing filled her head when she met Oliver? Hadn't she been immediately thought that her plan was even more hopeless because she had been convinced there was no way people could believe she would have attracted someone as handsome as him?

Her words had rung hollow because Felicity had always believed Oliver would never pick her of his own volition. In her mind he hadn't, he was forced into it out of pity or a need of money or whatever. Felicity had just resented her mother actually saying it out loud.

She bit her lips, holding back a sob. Her life was a mess that she had passed off for happiness.

"How do I fix it?" she asked Caitlin. "How do I…how do I…like myself?"

Just saying the words out loud hurt.

"I don't know," Caitlin murmured, squeezing her shoulders. "I don't know what will work for you. But I can give suggestions."

"Okay," she whispered, broken down and weary and needing help. "Okay, tell them to me."

"You…should try to think about what's good about yourself and why. Write one down every day, or something. And don't devalue it. If it's good in someone else, it's good in you. And the things you don't like…think about why you don't like then and then try to change them. And, your family…" Caitlin paused, and the silence made Felicity look at her. "They're your family, yeah, but not the people running your life. If what they want doesn't make you happy, screw them."

Felicity blinked at hearing the words come out of Caitlin's mouth. But they had the starkness she had needed. Felicity felt terrified of the idea of saying no, but also…attracted to it.

"So what am I doing wrong now?" she asked. "It's not like I feel like I need a boyfriend, like they say."

"But you went out and bought one anyway to avoid confessing your lie," Caitlin told her, kind in her honesty. Felicity gave a weak nod, half-understanding what she meant.

"You know what you don't like, Felicity, now you need to be strong enough to fix it. You feel like you're not being honest with people, that you're hiding big, important things? Talk to them a little more. Obviously you can't spill everything, but just…don't be afraid to say something serious if you want to."

Felicity nodded, feeling exhausted as her tears slowed. Exhausted, but so, so thankful Caitlin was there. She couldn't do this alone.

"What…what about Oliver?" she whispered, then bit her lip. This was what started it all, and now they had slowly cycled back to the beginning. Caitlin sighed and leaned back, considering.

"I…I'm not sure. You…" She stopped, looked away, and gathered her thoughts. "I think you need to really start fixing everything else before you launch into that."

"But I see him on Friday!" she said, suddenly panicked. This was it, this was her chance to…do what? Play pretend one more time, then pay him and say goodbye? "I…I don't want to mess this up."

Caitlin watched her for a moment, then said, "You like him, really like him, it's not just his looks or the way he acts for your family?"

"No," she said, almost harsh in her insistence. "I told you, Oliver…it's not the perfect stuff that makes me like him, it's everything else. The way he holds or kisses my temple or whatever in front of my family…that's not what makes me love him. But it does put butterflies in my stomach at the thought of him doing it for real."

I could really love him, was what Felicity couldn't say, because she wasn't quite there yet. But she could be, if she had the chance.

Caitlin pulled Felicity into a tight hug, her breath ruffling her hair.

"I can't help you here," she told Felicity. "Everything I know says this is a bad idea, but I also know you're smart and not about to do something dumb for someone who doesn't care, so just…be careful."

"Do you think I'm being dumb, though?"

"I can't say," she told her, leaning back. "I think you've got to figure that out on your own."

Felicity nodded, disappointed that Caitlin didn't have the answer she needed the most, but somehow unsurprised.

Felicity excused herself to clean off her face, and the two of them spent the rest of the evening drinking hot chocolate and watching beautiful and harmless nature documentaries. When it was time for Caitlin to leave, Felicity drove her to the airport. She got out of the car, engine still running, and pulled Caitlin into another hug.

"It'll be okay," Caitlin whispered into her hair, and Felicity almost broke into tears again. But she nodded, dragged in a breath, whispered out a thank you.

"Safe trip," she called after Caitlin with a wave. Caitlin smiled and nodded, then walked inside.

Felicity climbed into her car and drove home. She felt tired and shaky, but it was a good kind of exhaustion. It was a decision making kind.


AN One thing I want people to take away from this story is that it is not An Oliver Story or A Felicity Story, but it is in equal parts An Oliver and Felicity Story. They are both integral to each other's development. They may not even be aware of the big changes they are causing/the other is experiencing, but they are both catalysts for the other and this is important.