Title: My Person (9/10)
Author: scones_better
Rating: PG-13 (Major swearing in the first portion of this part! You've been warned!)
Genre: Romance (with dashes of light angst)
Summary: When JD take care of a special patient, he discover a part of himself he didn't know about. JD/Patient to be JD/Cox in the future.
Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no money out of this. If those characters were mine, they would be, very, very gay.
AN: This really flew out of me! As soon as I was done writing part 7, this just came to me, very naturally. I hope you guys like it! I just want to clearly state that this is not the last part. Part 10 will be an epilogue. You may consider this the last part if you want if you don't care for the epilogue ;) A great thank you to sosaith! She's such an amazing beta!
My Person
Part 9: My Person
A couple of days passed, all in similar pattern. Work was normal, patients mostly stable with an occasional crash here and there, and the same old routine of rounding, doctoring, and paperwork. The only thing different was that, at least once a day, JD would feel Dr. Cox's intense eyes on him. The older man didn't do anything else out of the ordinary except limiting the time he spent alone with JD to the strict minimum. JD couldn't blame him; he did the same whenever he and Elliot broke up. Not that JD and Dr. Cox had broken up.
JD got home that evening, no more tired than usual. JD's cell phone rung and he answered, smiling at the ID. Since he and Harrison had cleared things up between them, they had found good friends in each other. They would call each other without patterns or expectations; it was a simple friendship with light and easy conversations. Harrison was doing better ever since he had said he was sorry to JD, and Harrison was now dating again. Nothing serious, but the guy he was currently seeing sounded like a keeper. JD was surprised at how he didn't feel any jealousy or envy; after all he had wanted a relationship with Harrison. Yet, he simply felt happy for the other man. He still couldn't help but think of their fights though, and something came to his mind.
"I can't believe it. You, Harrison Kelso, are jealous of Dr. Cox. He is like a father to me!"
"Oh yes, all 33 year old men talk about their fathers in this glorified way you do! You crave his approval beyond measure! Heck, you even spend more time than you need to at the hospital just to be in his good graces! We barely go out anymore and we wouldn't have sex half the time either if I didn't instigate it. Actually, we wouldn't see each other all that much if I didn't make the effort."
"Harrison… I have a question for you."
"Sure, go for it."
"You said something about me glorifying Dr. Cox and wanting his attention, and approval… I was just wondering what you meant by it."
There was a short silence, but just when JD thought Harrison had hung up, the other man spoke.
"Wow, didn't see that one coming, ha-ha. I was upset at the time JD."
Harrison voice was hesitant.
"I know, but it doesn't mean it wasn't founded on something. Besides, you're not the first to mention it."
"Well… Honestly, sometimes I was just a tiny bit worried. Not at first, but the more you talked about him… I felt like you might have had a crush on him. Something you might have developed without noticing since you didn't know you liked men too. I mean, Dr. Cox is a tall, strong and handsome man, it would have made sense. But, you are a sensitive guy and maybe it really is just you seeking a father figure. I could be reading too much into it."
"Oh. Well, thank you."
"Can I ask why?"
"'Just been bugging me, that's all."
"Hmhm. I don't believe you one bit, but I'm going to indulge you and pretend I do."
"Hahaha! Thank you."
"Welcome. Well I have to go. I've got a date and I need to make my hair pretty."
"Haha, isn't it always perfect? Say hi to Mathias for me."
"'Will do."
JD hung up. Harrison had really been jealous of Dr. Cox. He would never have thought so. He sighed, drained. JD was seeing his mentor in a different way lately: through the eyes of an equal, of someone who wasn't trying desperately to see his father in him. There was something more… More human about him, more full and complete. Plus, the man wasn't hard on the eyes either. JD couldn't help blushing at his own thoughts; it was such a surprising thought.
JD, still too awake and aware to go to bed, decided to work a bit on the research before calling it a night. He opened one of the files and recognized Dr. Cox's frenzied writing.
"I mean, Dr. Cox is a tall, strong and handsome man, it would have made sense."
JD chuckled. Now he was the one over thinking, over reading. He stretched his arms, and started sorting the notes out, pensively.
There was something there; he just couldn't put his finger on it quite yet.
***
JD had been working all morning and had yet to cross paths with Dr. Cox. He didn't think the man was avoiding him: things were simply busier right now. No huge rush or traumas, just a quicker pace, the kind that would have had worried him his first year but that was now a welcomed change in his routine. His pager went off and, looking down he saw it was Dr. Cox requesting him in room 103. That was Patrick Tandy's room. JD hurried up, worried.
"There you are, Andrea! And here I thought you had died or something, because I rea-ha-lly couldn't figure out why on earth it would take you that much time to get here, but no, you probably just had a hard time coming here in your brand new shoes. I told you, time and time again, high heels might make you feel like you have the sexiest legs of all the gals, it's just nawt work appropriate!"
"Hi, Mr. Tandy!"
"What is he talking about?" Mr. Tandy asked, interested but clearly still tired from the surgeries he had had.
"Don't mind him, he's always cranky in the morning. And in the afternoon. Now that I think of it, in the evening too." JD smiled at the patient, then look at his chart.
"I am SO not—" Dr. Cox tried to interrupt them, but JD just went on.
"If you ignore him, he just explodes, it's quite funny. I'm happy to see you are well on your way to recovery… It should take a few weeks before we even consider you leaving the hospital thought."
"Theresa, I already told him all that. Remember? I'm a good doctor. Now, Mr. Tandy had a few questions concerning Ruth, seeing how you were her doctor, I thought it be more appropriate for you to talk to him."
Dr. Cox gave a small pat on JD's shoulder before leaving. It had been done without thinking and the man had immediately removed his fingers when he had noticed his action. JD felt comfort from the gesture: it was always so hard to tell someone they had lost their loved one. It was worse when you had to tell a parent they wouldn't see their child anymore.
"So… How's my Ruth? When do I get to see her?"
JD breathed in. Well, just out with it, no?
"Mr. Tandy, I'm so sorry…"
JD explained what happened, how Ruth's already tired body hadn't stood a chance to the unexpected adverse drug reaction, how her mother had signed the papers for the rushed autopsy and how she had been taken care of. Mr. Tandy nodded in understanding, remaining calm.
"I see… Thank you… hum?"
"Dr. Dorian, you can call me JD."
"Thank you, JD. Could you thank your partner for me too?"
"My partner?"
"You know, Dr. Cox."
"We aren't partners, everybody works together here."
"I meant, life partner. That word is always so confusing, isn't it?"
"Oh. OH! We aren't a couple, our relationship is strictly professional, sir. Well if there's anything I can do for you…"
"Thank you, again. I'd just like to be alone for now."
"Okay."
JD left. Barely out of the room, he heard the patient start crying. JD felt himself tearing up; it always affected him so much. At least he knew he had done everything he could for Ruth. It didn't stop him from thinking about her and he found comfort in knowing her death wasn't his fault, his responsibility.
He felt a tiny bit bad that in such a sad situation, his mind went back not to the crying man but said man use of "partner".
"I meant, life partner. That word is always so confusing, isn't it?"
JD saw his rainbow band on his wrist. Mr. Tandy probably just had jumped to conclusion, from the banter JD and Dr. Cox had and JD being a bit feminine. He still appreciated the fact that the man hadn't seemed bothered by it one bit.
JD went back to his work, knowing he couldn't afford to ponder too long on those things; there were lives to save and people to heal. He looked down at his charts; Mrs. Bloom was next. He wondered if he ought to be happy that after such sad news, he was delivering some positive. The woman was officially clear; she was going to be able to leave this very day. She had gotten more polite as her state had improved, but not by much. JD entered the room.
"Hello, Mrs. Bloom!"
He smiled at her. Always the charmer, she nodded to him like he was bothering her.
"I have good news…"
JD told the elderly woman of her current state, what she would have to do once she left the hospital, what medication to take and what to avoid. He couldn't help but wonder, why a bitter old woman got to live on and a seven years old girl, with all her life in front of her, didn't. He felt bad about not feeling bad. Then the old woman smiled, genuinely this time, and JD ended up just feeling bad. And that, oddly enough, made him feel better. It meant he wasn't cold and bitter yet.
"Thank you, Dr. Dorian."
It was said in a courteous and clipped tone, but her smile was still genuine, and JD knew she meant every word. It also occurred to him that he knew nothing of the woman, and maybe she meant a lot to some people or that maybe, she did good things on her own time. Maybe not either, and that was okay too, because who was he to judge her, really?
***
JD was humming to himself; his shift was over and he had handed in all of his paperwork. He was walking happily, when he saw his mentor in the doctors' lounge. He hesitated a moment, not sure if he should bother him or not, not sure where the line was between them. He wanted to know about their research, if it was still on, if he wanted another doctor to work with him. JD opened the door and knocked on the wooden frame to signal his presence.
"Hi, Dr. Cox."
"Newbie…"
"I was wondering… Just have a good night Dr. Cox."
JD shuffled his feet nervously and waited a little longer to see if the man would answer. They didn't talk all that much lately. Seeing that he wasn't likely to get anything out of the man, he turned to leave. When he reached the door he heard the man talk.
"She wasn't much older than Jack."
JD didn't know what to say to that. Everything sounded so incredibly stupid, even "I know" sounded ridiculous. He didn't know. He didn't know what it was like to have kids, to lose them, to worry over them like Turk and Carla did over Isabella. And so JD moved without thinking, only to realize that he had wrapped his arms around Dr. Cox's shoulders. He quickly removed himself and left the room without looking back.
***
JD was sitting at the park, eating a sandwich. It was his day off but he didn't feel like being alone in his apartment. He was going to hang out with the gang later in the evening, but he couldn't wait. He just wanted to be out of there, somewhere else, somewhere with people. Somewhere where he didn't worry about Dr. Cox hunting him down to kill him for hugging him.
JD had always thought the hospital wouldn't be the same if Dr. Cox wasn't there, especially for him, and he could now confirm it. The simple fact that he was spending less time with the man made his days feel so much longer and that much more boring. Of course he still enjoyed work, and his friends were great, but he hadn't noticed how much of his interactions were with the older man or how he was used to working alongside him.
JD loved this park because it felt both sheltered and open. Once in, you could see all around, but the big trees still made it feel like a little peaceful hidden corner of green in the middle of the big city. He enjoyed watching people go by and he would have loved to create stories about them with Turk, giving them silly voices and odd arguments about pies and chilidogs. He found himself smiling goofily at the tiny children playing in the sand with their bright amazed expressions. JD wouldn't mind having a kid or two one day. He wouldn't have minded anyway, seeing how he wouldn't be in a relationship for a long time, there was no sense in being hopeful about it. He still couldn't help but be filled with joy at the giggles the toddlers made; they just sounded so very happy.
JD found himself thinking about what Dr. Cox had said when JD had turned him down.
"Well goody, thank you for telling me what I already know. I don't need a son JD, I already have one, and what I need you can't provide, so how about you just scram, now that you are done empting your heart and feel better about yourself. "
It didn't sting JD as much as it had at the time. In fact, he couldn't believe he had been selfish enough to say he wanted Dr. Cox as a father. The older man had little Jack to care for, a toddler who needed Dr. Cox's attention and fatherly guidance way more then JD did. JD was 33, and it was about time he held himself on his own. Of course, support and advise from friends and wiser, older people were more then welcome, but JD didn't need Dr. Cox taking care of him like that. It probably had been the reason why it had taken so much time for them to be on more equal terms. JD flicked himself on the forehead; he had placed himself in a lower position for years by doing that. He felt pretty silly about it.
"Timothy! Get back here right now!"
A small blond boy was running toward JD, with determination in his eyes. JD thought he looked a lot like Jack. A nanny took the little boy before he reached JD and scolded him for running away like that. JD smiled, knowing the kid just didn't want to leave the park yet, that he was just having too much fun. He wondered what Dr. Cox did with Jack, if they went sporting events that the older man liked so much, if they watched Walt Disney movies together or if Dr. Cox read Jack bedtime stories before the kid felt asleep. He knew he cared for him that was for sure. He could still feel the worry in Perry's voice when he had said "She wasn't much older than Jack." If Jack was to die… It probably would kill the older man.
JD remembered the few times he had taken care of Jack, when he was just a tiny baby. They were occasions to make up to his mentor for his mistakes but it also granted him entrance to the older man's place. JD didn't hate the apartment, he just would have loved to add photos and personal objects here and there to make it feel more lived in and less like a magazine shoot. But Dr. Cox wasn't like that… That was JD's personal taste, because he was a people person and to him that was something that should be part of someone's life. JD sighed when he realized that it bothered him that much more because he wanted to be part of Dr. Cox's life. He didn't want just anybody's pictures on those steel grey walls, he wanted Carla's and Jack's yes, but his own too. Mainly his. He wanted to be invited in as a friend. Wanted to be Jack's silly uncle. Probably "aunt" considering Dr. Cox's tendency to feminize him, but JD wouldn't really mind.
JD sighed as he got up, throwing the sandwich wrapping in the recycling bin. JD had come to terms about so many things: about Dr. Cox not being a father figure, about his own neediness, about JD having to be his own person now… He had hoped that by 30 he would have become a wiser, smarter person. He never really had time to stop and think before. It was shitty at home, focusing on schoolwork so he would get good grades to get out of there, then it was med school with almost no time for anything else and finally being a intern that left you with little time for an actual life. But now he was a doctor, a good one too, and he wasn't jumping from one conquest to the other, leaving him with just enough free time to realize his flaws. Which made him wonder how Dr. Cox got where he was… Forty years old, a few ex-girlfriends, an ex-wife and a son… JD couldn't quite grasp how the man could have fallen for him. JD wondered if Dr. Cox had thought about what it would be like to live with him.
JD, of course, immediately wondered what life would be like with Dr. Cox.
JD was cooking at the stove in Perry's apartment. Just some mac and cheese, nothing fancy but it would go great with a cold beer, or so Perry always claimed. The apartment wasn't very different, it just had more photos on the wall, few more personal possessions, and a few less generic decorations. Perry got in, taking off his jacket.
"I swear to God, they get stupider each year. I mean, never mind that they studied medicine for over seven years prior to their internship, and passed, anyone who graduated from elementary school would never ask me if someone could live without both their lungs!"
"They must have been nervous, you know you can be pretty imposing."
Perry glared at him with his "don't shit with me" face.
"You are way too soft, Marie."
JD smiled fondly at Perry, and served their cheap and easy meal.
"By the way, Jordan called! Jack got an A+ on his math exam!"
JD shook his head and gave a small, slightly nervous laugh. This fantasy had came to his mind a bit too easily and it had felt a bit too normal and comfortable for JD's liking. As he was walking back home, taking in the fresh air, as fresh as it got in the city anyway, JD figured it must be his longing for a comfortable and domestic relationship. There was no way living with Dr. Cox would be that casual, that normal. JD was just curious and a tiny bit lonely, nothing odd about that.
***
The four of them had had a blast. They had danced, and drank and laughed plenty. It had felt fresh and nice, like before their life had become so serious, like in the first few years. It had almost felt like home. Almost… JD still felt like something was missing, even in all that joy and contentment.
Elliot had left at around 11, saying she had to get some beauty sleep, which meant she had a date the following day. JD crossed his fingers for her; she really deserved to find a nice guy. JD had followed Turk and Carla to their place, and Turk had hurried to the bathroom, making the proverb "drink a beer, urinate two" true. JD had fallowed Carla who had paid the babysitter, and checked on Isabella. After a few minutes of silence, JD finally made up his mind to ask Carla a question that had been on his mind for a while.
"Carla, why did you say I was looking at Dr. Cox's ass?"
Carla turned to him surprised, but her face quickly turned motherly and caring.
"It looked that way to me, JD. Besides, it wasn't the first time. There's a reason that people always thought you were gay before you came out, even if you didn't count your odd friendship with Turk. And, well, you always have been a bit obsessed with Dr. Cox, don't make that face, you know it's true."
JD sighed; even in his alcohol haze he knew she was quite right.
"I'm sorry if it bothered you, I didn't mean to offend or trouble you."
"It didn't… I just wondered where it came from."
"Bambi… Are you in love with Dr. Cox? Is that the problem? Me saying that worried you? I won't tell anyone I promise."
JD chuckled. If she only knew.
"Carla, I'm not in love with him and honestly, I don't think you could hold something that juicy in if it was the case!"
JD was surprised at how his voice had stretched the word love. He was even more surprised when Turk came out of the bathroom, looking half dead.
"What's juicy?"
"Mangoes" JD answered to Turk.
"Oh yes they are! Baby, can we have some mangoes?"
The couple argued lightly for a few minutes and then Carla went to bed, clearly exhausted by the evening. Turk and JD promised to be quiet, and JD swore he wouldn't stay too late. She had smiled at them, her expressive face telling them that if they didn't own up to their words, they would regret it. Turk and JD were therefore lounging on the sofa, talking about everything and nothing.
"Say, Turk… If you found yourself spending most of your time with someone, missing them when they are not around, wanting to making them happy, bickering and arguing all the time, thinking of them when your not with them… What would you think?"
"That it sounds like me and Carla. That I'm in love… Yup, deep in love! Wait… Are you saying you found someone like that? Who is it! Come on, share with me, man. This is a matter of capital importance!"
"A lot of people think we are a couple… I was wondering where it came from ha-ha."
"Oh is it the cute nurse, I think she's called Cindy?"
"Hmm maybeeee. I'm very popular lately!"
"That you are!"
They laughed and the conversation soon melted and morphed to other topics. Turk's words only came back to him when he was sitting in the cab during the silent drive home.
"That it sounds like me and Carla. That I'm in love… Yup, deep in love!"
JD smiled to himself. Turk had just been drunk and happy. He always got passionate when he drank one beer too many. JD went to bed as soon as he got home, thankful that his next day was going to be a quiet one. It took him a while to fall asleep, as snippets of thoughts and conversations kept swarming about in his mind…
***
JD felt great the next morning. He had slept in, had had his crazy homemade mix of cereals for breakfast, and had stayed in his 'jamies to watch some morning cartoons. He hadn't had such a relaxing day in a while, and it felt blissful. At around 2, he decided he should be a little productive. He had the choice of cleaning his apartment or working on the research. The research won easily and by far.
Curled up on his sofa, with the TV on mute, he spread out the documents they had accumulated. The research was starting to annoy him because something was there, he knew it. He just had a hard time pinpointing it. It was like someone had given him all the clues and pieces but he still couldn't solve the damned puzzle. He was getting irritated.
"Oh yes, I'm sure you look at your father's ass that way."
JD picked up the patients' histories, and laid them down next to each other. Why was this so hard?
"Fine. You always sided with Dr. Cox, no matter what, and always made your friendship with him pass before our relationship…"
JD scanned the papers he had read, over and over again, looking for something, anything.
"I mean, Dr. Cox is a tall, strong and handsome man, it would have made sense."
JD picked up a yellow highlighter, and started singling out some lines.
"Bambi… Are you in love with Dr. Cox? Is that the problem? Me saying that worried you? I won't tell anyone I promise."
JD sighed; he was probably wasting his time.
"That it sounds like me and Carla. That I'm in love… Yup, deep in love!"
"I wish Perry was here… 'Could talk this through with him."
JD blinked. Had he just referred to Dr. Cox has Perry? He blinked once more as everything in his mind fell into place. He picked up the patients' histories and hurried out of his apartment, heading straight for the Hospital. He needed to know if he was right. God, he was sure he was right.
JD parked Sasha at an odd angle, not caring for his scooter one bit, as he ran into the hospital.
"Where's Dr. Cox?"
JD asked excitedly the nurse who was at the front desk.
"He's in the doctor's lounge… By the way nice PAJAMAS Dr. Dorian!"
JD didn't hear her; he had left as soon she had answered. He was running, with all his energy, and had to take the stairs when the elevator proved to be too slow for his patience, or lack of it. He finally reached the room and opened the door in a brisk movement, slamming it against the wall in the process. A very angry looking Dr. Cox turned toward him, hating to be distracted during his soaps, ready to destroy whoever was bothering him. When he saw JD, his face softened slightly, anger being replaced by disbelief. JD, had he not be in such a hurry, would have understood the bizarreness of the situation. He had barged in the doctors' lounge, on one of his free days, in pajamas no less.
"Dr. COX! I FOUND IT!"
"What have you found now, Alana? I sure hope it's real good for you, else it will go very very—"
"The answer!"
"What… Newbie, did you hit yourself on the head or something?"
"The research, look, I think I have the answer!"
JD hurried up to the older man, almost dropping the patients' histories but managing to avoid a big mess at the last second. Dr. Cox scanned the papers, and JD grew more and more wary; he was utterly wrong, he was imagining things… He was being desperate.
"…JD. You are right! This is it the common threa—"
"Thread" was lost in the older man's throat, in both their throats, because JD had grabbed the other man and was now kissing him forcefully. Dr. Cox was very still, and JD pulled away, looking in the older man's eyes.
"JD…?"
JD found himself pushing the older man down onto the sofa and was quite surprised at his own courage. This wasn't domination, it was determination. He didn't want Perry to leave… He kissed him firmly but softer than before. Strong arms wrapped around his frail frame and pressed him down. In that moment he knew he was right, knew he had been foolish to not realize this sooner. The one person who had been a constant in his life was Perry Cox. He had been there regardless of JD being an ass or not. He had suffered him and helped him. He had been there, every step of the way, almost completely unconditionally, for years. JD was good, was home, as long as the other man was there. He belonged, at last.
"I love you too."
Perry Cox was his person.
A huge thanx to the fallowing people for Faving/Alerting this story:
FaithfulLurker, HastaLaVista, redwyvern21, Sweet Carys
