A/N: You probably noticed that I changed the title of this story. I have done so because now it is no longer strictly focusing on the times Sam has been sexually harassed and abused, and is now dealing with the lack of control in his life as well.
Episode: 4x18 - "The Monster at the End of This Book"
9
The day Sam met Chuck Shurley was the worst he'd had in a while. For one, he didn't like Dean easily believing Chuck that he was going to sleep with Lilith just because she was a demon. It seemed like he thought that he had a demon fetish or something, which he definitely did not. But he supposed it was just like Dean to not try and understand.
The second reason was Chuck questioning him about his intentions with drinking demon blood. What Sam hadn't liked about it was the fact that it got him thinking, sent his thoughts down a dark path that he often visited. And more than that, what he'd said, about him doing it because he felt in control… Sam wasn't entirely sure he was wrong. Over the years control was beginning to be something he seriously lacked.
Which brought him to the third reason that day sucked. He'd had to allow Lilith to touch him. Maybe some men would get an adrenaline rush from having their enemy - who did look rather attractive, Sam had to admit - touch them in such a way, but Sam didn't. He despised it. It made him remember the time she'd kissed him without his consent, made him think about Dean seeming to believe he'd screw every female demon that so much as went near him, made him think about his complicated feelings for Ruby. And what was worse, was that he had tried controlling the situation, he really had, and he'd failed.
Did that mean he would always fail? That he'd always be controlled by other beings and outside forces? That he'd continue to have his emotions and sexual desires used against him?
Perhaps what was so unsettling about that day were the implications about what his future would be like.
But Sam couldn't let that come to pass. He was going to kill Lilith, no matter what it took.
