~Vamping Swears~
Based off "Wizard Swears," by the Potter Puppet Pals
….
Shane and Claire were bouncing up and down, side-by-side, on the sofa in the living room. Because, after all, what else would two, young, romantically involved people do with their free time?
Myrnin popped up from seemingly nowhere, but what Claire and the others didn't know is that he actually had a portal into every conceivable space in the house.
"Guys, Amelie just posted a list of words that are banned from Morganville. I didn't know that there were new swears." After all, the last sort of swearing Myrnin had heard of were from Shakespeare, and those, while hilarious, lost their edge after a century or two.
"Of course they do, Myrnin." Claire answered and stopped bouncing. "They're called vamping swears," which were swears used by vampires, taught to Claire and the others by Eve.
"OH! Like vampire-bum!" Shane piped in merrily.
"Really? That's adorable." Myrnin nodded.
Claire stopped glaring at Shane's stupidity, and turned to Myrnin. "Oh, they're worse than that. Read some, Myrnin."
"Let's see here," Myrnin looked at the list. "Son of a Bishop…that's useful."
"Stake-and-stab, that's my favorite." Claire nodded approvingly.
A low, unspeakable, grumbling sound emitted from the halls of the house like an unholy rumble of thunder. Oliver, somehow able to enter the house on his own, stormed into the living room.
"Do my ears detect foul-mouthedness?" He asked, oddly calm.
"O-Oh," Claire stammered. "No, Oliver—"
"—Bishop's nipple!" Myrnin exclaimed.
"Excuse me?" Oliver growled.
"Myrnin!" Claire sent him a cutting whisper.
"I refuse to have this filth spewed in my presence, Myrnin. I will rip your limbs from you—"
"Holy water sprinkles," Shane vamp-cursed, as if it would be effective.
Everyone turned to look at him.
"Everybody run," Myrnin whispered. "AMELIE'S UVULA!"
They ran away, and left Oliver alone to sigh. "Rabble-rousers."
Once away, and in the secret room, they stopped to laugh.
"Oh, that was fun." Myrnin sighed contentedly. "Oh," his face dropped. "Hello, Michael."
"Hello, Myrnin. Claire. Ron." Michael, who was sitting on the sofa for no explainable reason, greeted them meekly. "W-What's up, guys?"
"We're saying vampiric naughty words, like silvery-galvanizing!" Shane spoke up giddily.
Michael's face made an expression like this :O
"Oh," he stood, and started looking about for an escape, even though he knew where the door was and stuff. I mean, it's not like the secret room is just full of doors and stuff. "M-My grandfather forbids me from using raunchy language."
"Well, your grandfather is a blast-ended man-whore," Myrnin, who was still peeved at Sam for taking away Amelie, the woman who was as close as a sister to him, said scornfully.
Michael's face went from :O to o.o
"He doesn't mean it, Michael. He's just testing out some vamping-swears."
"I mean every word I ever say ever, because I'm the amazing Myrnin."
Thunder sounds from overhead.
"I'm telling Amelie," Michael made his way for the door he just recently located.
"You're such a stake-head," Shane shouted at him for being such a pansy.
"Th-this is against the rules!" He tried to get past them.
Myrnin blocked his exit. "I can't let you do that, Michael."
Michael tried to get around him.
"N-No, I don't want to swear, my grandfather doesn't want me swear."
Myrnin blocked him again.
"Are you a vampire or not, Michael?"
"I am a vampire, b-b-but…" Michael protested.
"Then try it," Myrnin thrust the list at him. "Here's the list, say anything."
Michael struggled to not look at it.
"You can do it, Michael." Claire encouraged him to break the law in a kind voice.
"O-Oliver's…butt-quack."
"Yaaaaay!" Claire and Shane cheered for their friend, because now they were all guilty of breaking the law together. Friendship runs deep in the Glass House. However, they have not questioned where Eve is, even though she's hanging from the roof after trying to take down the Christmas lights, and is still there as they sat in that secret room, cursing.
The room fell into silence.
Myrnin seemed the most silent.
"You sicken me," he said darkly.
"B-but, it's on the list—"
"Oliver is ten times the man you'll ever be, Michael." Though, as Myrnin said it, his toes were digging so hard into his flip-flops that they were breaking, because he was lying that much.
Michael slunk down the stairs.
"Leave Morganville, Michael Glass. Never come back." Myrnin warned darkly.
Michael walked away sniveling.
Silence.
More silence.
More silence still.
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Shane and Claire cheered.
"You're quite the hellion today, Myrnin." Claire commended.
"Yeah, you're rife with boyish attitude." WHOA! Shane knows the word rife? That's it. The world is ending. I'm going to go say goodbye to my family and loved ones—wait, I'll finish the fic first. Mooooooving on.
"Hey, let's do a prank call!" Myrnin cheered, and took Claire's cell phone from her pocket.
It rang, and rang and rang….
"Theodosius Goldman speaking."
"Silver Powder Waffle," Myrnin burst out.
"What? You kids! If I ever find out who's calling me, I will call the vampire court, and you will go to vampire jail, and I'll kill you, because I'm Theodosius—"
"Here they are," Oliver entered the secret room, with Amelie beside him.
"Oliver would like to have a word with you, children." Amelie seemed particularly apathetic today. Amelie's thoughts: [Dear god, I wish Oliver would bathe more. He smells like broccoli and…poo.]
"Oh zombie turds," Claire muttered.
"That is exactly the sort of vulgarity that I want to eradicate from the distinguished town of Morganville." Eerie organ music began to echo through the room. Myrnin looked around, trying to find the source. "The traditions of this school must be upheld and respected, the Ancients would—"
"Mortal f***ing troll $hit, Oliver!"
"What?"
"You floppy-fanged Common Grounds boggerer!"
Silence.
More silence.
More silence still.
"Monica's sock," Shane cut in.
"Amelie, I urge you to banish these monsters."
"Oh, Oliver, let them have their flap-doodle."
Myrnin's eyes went like this o.o at Amelie's choice of words.
"But, you're the one who banned the words in the first place!" Oliver whined like a child.
"I don't even remember five minutes ago." Amelie's thoughts: [Time flies when you're an icy bitch. -_-] "Back to your skulking."
Oliver disappeared, muttering.
"Thank you so much, Amelie." Claire thanked her so wholeheartedly, that Shane made a pissy little jealous face.
"Alas, you're welcome."
"…Amelie? You're obscenely old, right?" Myrnin asked slowly.
"Why, yes." She nodded.
"Do you know any…super-ancient, lost-to-the-ages, archaic, olden-times vamping-swears?" That's a lot of hyphens, Myrnin. This writer was very displeased.
"Ahhh…well this is one…"
"I want to hear it!" Shane chirped.
"The Elder's swear," Amelie began reverently. "You must never repeat it to anyone."
"We won't, ma'am." Claire nodded.
"Here it is:" Amelie took in a deep breath:
"Your mother is a ***ing *** lorem ipsum *** admiumvenium *** turolag ulio *** hippopotamus *** Republican ***** Daniel Radcliffe ****** with a bucket of *** in a castle far away where no one can hear you**** soup *** with a bucket of **** Mickey Mouse *** with a stick of dynamite ******** magical ****** ALAKAZAM! Now you know. You must never repeat it."
SILENCE.
Myrnin's face was like this: O_x
"…Woooooow…" Shane marveled, amazed that someone knew so many words and were able to string them together in coherent thought.
"Now you know," Amelie nodded. "You must never, ever repeat it. Okay?"
The Twilight Zone theme played, and if this were a TV show, the camera would have panned to Myrnin, and zoomed in.
"We won't, ma'am." Myrnin said sweetly.
~Later…~
Everyone was saying the Elder's swear, together, with Michael in the center, trying to escape.
The End
