It had been a very long day, first the garden party, then late supper, the last guest hadn't gone to bed until 2am. On his final rounds, walking past the nursery, Sybbie and Baby George were kicking up a fuss. Charles didn't envy the housemaid assigned to sit with them as a new nanny had not been found. He turned away just as a decidedly Scottish voice began to croon a lullaby. From the doorway, he saw Elsie in a rocker with Baby George while Sybbie stood crying in her crib. What happens next?

"Hush now, love." Elsie croons sweetly to baby Sybbie. "Elsie will be right with you, Miss Sybbie." Sybbie starts to calm down as Elsie smiles at her and begins her song again. "Hó-bhan, hó-bhan, Goiridh òg O, Goiridh òg O, Goiridh òg O; Hó-bhan, hó-bhan, Goiridh òg O, Gu'n dh'fhalbh mo ghaoil 's gu'n dh'fhàg e mi." Her voice is soft and sweet, the unfamiliar Scottish Gaelic flowing perfectly across her lips. He watches her, so beautiful as she mothers over the two. For a moment he is lost, imagining this is his life and he is coming home to the woman he loves and their two darling children. How he wishes he could have given her this. She had as much admitted to him that she wished she would have gone another way. Did she mean with him? He knows he will never know. He has loved her silently for over twenty years and will continue to do so until the day he dies, and he also knows he will not die alone. She will be next to him, taking care of him as she always does. So he rests against the frame of the door and watches her. Rarely does he get the chance to gaze at her and take in all her beauty. Letting his love for her overwhelm him to the breaking point, the tears begin to run down his cheeks and he wipes them away as quick as they fall.

She continues her song. The verses softly lulling the babies to sleep. He sees her eyes filled with unshed tears. Is she thinking the same as he, or are her tears for the wee Mother and Fatherless babes? She stands and carries Master George to cot, gently kissing his head before laying him in the basket. "Sleep well, young prince." Elsie whispers before heading to Miss Sybbie's cot. "And you my darling angel, so sweet like your mother." She says running her fingers gently through Sybbie's fine dark hair until her eyes flutter shut. Elsie watches over the babes, the tears finally falling from her eyes.

Charles stomach tightens in knots as he watches her cry. She is always so strong. They have had their ups and downs recently and he fears he is partly to blame for her distress. She goes and sits down on the small bed that was Nanny's, and hunches over burying her face in her hands. Her shoulders shake from the silent sobs. He takes a step towards the door, nearly pushing it open before he stops himself and backs away. He moves forward again and slowly enters the room. Quietly he walks towards her. "Mrs. Hughes." He says in a gentle deep voice.

She stands abruptly, her head lowered as she wipes her eyes across her sleeve. "Mr. Carson. I apologize. I must need my sleep. I'll just go ring for a maid." She says quietly, still looking down and away.

She starts to walk past him and he grabs her arm gently. "Are you sure your alright?"

"Perfectly." She insists, giving a quick forced smile, yet still not looking up at him.

"Will you not look at me, Mrs. Hughes?" He speaks softly, knowing now he is the reason for her tears. "So I can see that you will be fine."

She looks up into his eyes, her familiar housekeeper mask upon her face. "I am perfectly fine, Mr. Carson. As you can see. Just being sentimental is all. You needn't be bothered with me." And she pulls away from him. "Now I must ring a maid for my nightgown. You should go off to bed now, Mr. Carson." Her walls are up now and she is pushing him away again. She has since their fallout over Griggs and Mrs. Crawley. Their is no easy chatting over wine in the evenings, no huddling closely in the halls sharing household gossip, no serving each other at the dining table. The others have begun to notice it as well. He sees their steady gazes as they watch the two fumble around each other. But he knows they will fall back not place, just as they always have before. He knows there is no force that could ever separate them. Nothing that could ever make them abandon each other.

"You are staying here? With the children? That seems highly improper." He says with more judgement than he means. He comes off so cruel at times, overcompensating to assure he doesn't become close enough to let her see his true feelings.

"I am, Mr. Carson. Do you have a problem with that?" Her voice is firm and harsh to him. "We have no one with child rearing skills on the staff at the moment, and Anna is at the cottage with Mr. Bates. So unless you'd like to stay yourself, or wake up her ladyship to do it, I suggest you head off to bed."

He watches her head towards the wall and pull the bell, summoning a maid. She keeps her back turned to him as if waiting for him to leave so that she would not have to face him. He took a step towards her, then made his way to the door. "Goodnight, Mrs. Hughes." He said softly to her back.

She couldn't reply. Not when she knew the next words out of her mouth would be shaken by sobs. He would never know the real reason for her tears. That as she sat there with the wee babes, her heart ached with regret for the life she never had. The life she had wanted with him. A home, children, a promise of eternal love. All the things she knew he could never give her. And now she cries from grief and guilt. She is leaving. After all these years at his side, she will leave him alone to finish out the rest of his days at Downton. She can no longer stay and see them fall apart. Their bond is coming apart at the seams and she knows he is thinking less and less of her. She has shocked him, disappointed him, and now after all these years he still does not understand her. She knows he never will. She also knows she cannot waste what's left of her life holding onto a dream that will never happen. So she wrote to him, Joe Burns. They have been writing all these years. Friendly notes, often laced with compliments and hope. He had never remarried and was living alone on a great farm. He had offered her a place when she retired. A home, a family, and love, even knowing she would not return it. She finally considered his offer and had extended her hopes to him. He had written back expressing his joy and saying he would be there in a fortnight to collect her.

"Goodbye, Mr. Carson.." She whispers as he walks out the door.

I've had this sitting around for a bit now. I wasn't sure if I would ever publish it. I apologize profusely for the sad ending. It's just what came out of me after watching 4x01. I promise more happy smut in the future ;). -Mona xoxo