A/N: Thank you so much for all of the reviews-they really are incredibly important to me, and I'm so glad the OCs were so well received last chapter. I fully intended on updating yesterday, but then my boyfriend decided he wanted to claim my attention, and so we watched 'Paranormal Activity 2', in his basement, alone, in the dark. I advise against that, to anyone that has not seen it.
I cried, writing this chapter. You have no idea how true Jenny's emotions are. Hearing them for the first time from your best friend…it's like smashing into a brick wall.
Disclaimer: I own the plot and my OCs.
"I've been looking everyday for a way past this wall that's in front of my face. I'm on hands and knees searching for my faith," –'Desperate', Fireflight
Patricia was silent for the first few minutes of the ride, and Jenny relaxed into the seat, sighing. Remembering she needed to go back to the agency she straightened, turning slightly towards the older woman.
"Patricia, I need to go back to the agency to pick a few things up. You can just drop me off there, if you'd like," Jenny said, her soft voice permeating the silence that had descended around them. Patricia turned her head slightly, frown lines creasing her kind face.
"You really have to do more work?" she asked, confusion clear in her voice. Jenny sighed, rubbing at her temples again.
"I guess I can skip one night. I really don't think I can concentrate tonight anyway," Jenny said with a gentle smile, shrugging her shoulders.
"Good," Patricia replied, nodding with an almost-triumphant smile. "Now why would you be taking work home? Don't you do enough of it during the day?"
"A director's job is never done, really. And I didn't get much work done today, to be completely honest," she answered softly, her thoughts drifting to Maddie Tyler. "We have a new case and…the similarities between Lizzie and this girl…they're bringing up memories I haven't relived in a very long time Patricia. A very, very long time."
"What kind of similarities?" Patricia asked sharply, turning her gray eyes on Jenny momentarily before returning them to the road. "Jenny?"
"A young girl came to the agency because she had a personal connection to the past of the Jeth-of an agent," Jenny started, cursing herself for her slip that she knew Patricia had caught. "She was raped by a Marine, and now she's pregnant."
"Jenny…"
"That's not all," Jenny interrupted, swallowing hard before she continued, closing her eyes. "She's cutting. And not just cutting, but killing herself. I saw the cuts, Patricia. They're like mine were-deep, dangerously deep. She's out of control and…I don't know if I have the ability to stop her."
"You need to find a way to stop her, Jenny," Patricia said softly, so softly that at first Jenny almost didn't hear her. "You cannot let another mother go through what I have. You cannot subject another human being to the kind of torture I have gone through for the past twenty four years."
"I want to I just…" Jenny trailed off, swallowing against the emotion building in her throat, tears pricking the corners of her eyes and she closed her eyes to stop them, trying to bring up some semblance of composure. "Patricia it's like looking back in time. Seeing those cuts on her arms were like seeing them on mine! I haven't felt the urge this badly in two years!"
"Two years!" Patricia said, turning her alarmed gaze on Jenny, who took an interest in her shoes. "Jenny, two years? You cut as recently as two years ago? Why on earth-"
"Because he left me," Jenny whispered hoarsely, her voice a broken sob as the memory burst forth, sitting on the forefront of her mind, playing over and over and over again. "Because he didn't remember, and he left, and I was alone, all over again. Because no one cared and he was gone and I was so empty inside. Because I just wanted to feel again. Because I wanted to feel like I had when I was with him, and I was happy, and I felt like someone cared, but then he was gone, and he didn't care. Because I just couldn't do it anymore. Because I just couldn't pretend like I was fine and everything was just perfect and I was just so god damn happy. Because I was so sick of pretending. Because I hated myself."
Silence followed her outburst. Tears flowed down her cheeks as she beat herself up for the thousandth time for letting him walk away- for not telling him, for letting herself get caught up in a web of lies that only hurt her in the end. For letting herself fall back into the trap that cutting helped her, instead of slowly killing her.
For letting herself listen to the velveteen voice that told her that slitting her wrists was the only way out.
"It made me feel alive for the first time," Jenny admitted in a whisper, looking out the window, her eyes darting side to side as they gazed at the buildings passing by them. "It made me feel like I was more than just a shell of a human being. It showed me that I could feel and that wasn't just this numb body with no emotions and no feelings."
It sounded horrible, saying it aloud. But when you were hurting so much that you couldn't even feel the pain anymore, it truly felt like your only way out. And Jenny hated herself for what she had done to her body, but the high, the rush that told her that her heart was still beating and she still had a pulse, was worth it, in a sick and twisted way.
"Why would you put your body through that torture Jenny?" Patricia asked, her hands gripping the wheel tightly but her voice eerily calm. "Why would you go through that all again?"
"This isn't the first time I've slipped, Patricia," Jenny said softly, still looking out the window. "God, this isn't even close to the first time I've slipped since that hospital Dad sent me to."
"But why Jenny?" Patricia whispered, shaking her head. "Why?"
"My father killed himself," Jenny said, starting her list. "I left the man I loved more than I ever thought I could another man after what Bobby did to me. I was forced to watch children murdered in Egypt for my job, and I couldn't stop it. I took a job where I was my ex-lover's superior, and I had to tell him I couldn't see him off of the job because I was so damn insecure about my position. I got back with said lover after I was kidnapped, then he gets fucking amnesia, doesn't remember our new relationship, and he flees to Mexico. I've had plenty of reasons to relapse. My life hasn't been easy since my dad died."
"You had support Jenny," Patricia said, her voice almost a plea. "You could have come to us."
"Do you know how ashamed I was?" Jenny asked, tears pricking her eyes again as she shook her head, dismay clear in her features. "I couldn't even honor my father's last wish. I was a disgrace, I was a mess; I just wanted my daddy again. And suddenly he wasn't there and everyone I'd ever trusted was slipping away…I was so lost."
"I wish I'd know," Patricia said, suddenly berating herself. "I can't keep my own daughter safe."
"Patricia, what Lizzie did was not your fault," Jenny said, shaking her head firmly, turning her intense green eyes on the older woman.
"I wasn't talking about Lizzie Jenny," Patricia said, shaking her head. "I was talking about you. Jenny, you are, in essence, my daughter. After your mother died when you were a toddler, I stepped in. To lose Lizzie, then almost lose Ashley in a car accident four years later, and now to hear that you've been cutting again…Jenny I can't lose all of my daughters!"
Jenny was touched. Patricia really thought of her as a daughter? She thought of her as a mother-figure, but to hear the sentiment returned…it really touched her.
"You have no idea how hard it is to say no, Patricia," Jenny whispered hoarsely, shaking her head. She tucked her crimson curls behind her ears, sighing. "It's like pushing a boulder up a hill. I've already said no once today. I honestly don't know if I have the strength to do it again."
"Do you want me to stay?" Patricia asked, and Jenny looked at her, furrowing her eyebrows. Would this woman really do this? Would she really stay the night with her, just so that she wouldn't cut?
"Patricia, you don't-"
"Jenny, if it keeps you safe another night, I'll do anything," Patricia said, seriousness reflecting in her eyes.
"As much as that means to me, no, you don't have to stay," Jenny said softly, touching the older woman's hand gently, squeezing her fingers. "I have to do this by myself. I need to know that I can do this alone."
"Call me, Jenny, at any time," Patricia said, shooting her a look. "I'm not kidding. Even if it is one thirty in the morning, you pick that phone up and call me. I will be here for you, every hour of the day."
"You have no idea how much that means to me," Jenny said, tears glistening in her eyes. "Patricia, that's more than I've had in a very long time."
"I will be here, Jenny," Patricia vowed, her gray eyes set and firm, determination brewing in the depths. "I will keep you safe, no matter where that journey takes us."
"It may go through Hell and back," Jenny murmured, sighing again. "It won't be a walk in the park, by any means."
"I never liked the park," Patricia said simply, shrugging slightly. And Jenny only smiled, because she hadn't had this kind of support since before her father's death.
And she needed it, desperately.
"Jenny, who is this agent you slipped up about earlier?" Patricia said, turning the conversation away from what she believed to be the tougher subjects. Only Jenny would take their previous discussion over Jethro any day of the week. "Jenny, tell me. Is he this ex-lover you were talking about? The one you left?"
"One and the same," she said softly, puffing out a breath. "Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs."
"Well that's a name if I've ever heard one," Patricia said, raising an eyebrow. "And you call him Jethro?"
"Either that or just 'Gibbs'," Jenny said, shrugging.
"Where'd you meet him?" Patricia asked, studying Jenny out of the corner of her eye. Jenny's arms were folded over her chest and there was a tension about her that Patricia just couldn't understand.
"I was his Probie at the agency about nine years ago," Jenny said, remembrance crossing her face. "We were partners for about eight months when we were sent to Europe on an intense undercover operation that was spread over a year and a half. We became lovers in Paris, and I managed to fall completely head over heels for him. He was everything I could have asked for and more."
Patricia watched Jenny talk about Jethro and she tilted her head, sighing. It was more than obviously that Jenny had been-and still was-very much in love with this man. And after the hell that Bobby had put her through, the fact that Jenny had let herself love this man was a miracle in itself. But something had gone wrong, that much was obvious.
"But there was always this darkness about him that I just couldn't understand, and after Bobby, well…I couldn't handle darkness. So I ran, as far away as possible," Jenny's voice dropped in volume, and tears filled her voice. "I left him with a letter in the pocket of my coat on a plane that was set to take us back to the States. I took a job in the London office where I was then transferred to Spain and then to Cairo," here she shuddered, and Patricia frowned, but let her continue without pause, "And then I became Assistant Director, and now I'm Director. But it wasn't worth leaving him."
Jenny moped at her tears, shaking her head.
"His 'darkness' was a wife and daughter that had been killed when he was serving with the Marines in Kuwait," Jenny said, a bitter edge coming into her voice. "My judgment was so clouded from what Bobby had done to me I took everything to the extreme. If I hadn't left…if I hadn't left things would have been so different."
"Would you have married him?" Patricia asked, her voice as gentle as she could make it. Jenny sighed, rubbing her eyes.
"The man had two failed marriages at that point, and had a habit of leaving things out when he spoke," Jenny replied, shrugging her shoulders. "But somehow I managed to fall for him. I think I would have, had he asked. Especially if he had told me about Shannon and Kelly. But that's in the past, and what I did today completely shattered any hope I had of being with him ever again."
"What did you do today?" Patricia asked, obvious confusion in her voice. Jenny cringed, shame filling her expression.
"I used him, in the worst way possible," she whispered, shaking her head. "Do you remember one of the times when my dad was out of time and I was staying with you, and Apryl and I were with Lizzie when Bobby came and took me away then brought me back?"
"And he slapped you in the middle of the driveway?" Patricia asked, anger filling her voice as she gripped the steering wheel harder, her knuckles turning white.
"Yes," Jenny whispered, tears staining her voice. "I…I fainted, and I remember that, in a dream and I just wanted to forget and…"
"Oh Jenny," Patricia said, turning to look at her. "Oh sweetheart did you…"
"I know I shouldn't have," Jenny said, dismay filling her features. "I just…I didn't think it through. And then…I told him to leave. I couldn't even look at him. He must hate me."
"Jenny, if he is half the man I think he is he won't hate you," Patricia said, shaking her head as she looked at Jenny. "But you need to talk to him. I'm sure that if you tell him how you feel then…"
"Patricia, Jethro doesn't do 'feelings'," Jenny said, shaking her head as a small smile graced her face. "But I should probably talk to him."
"Please do," Patricia urged, touching Jenny's hand. "It's eating you up inside."
"Patricia, there are so many things eating me up I'm surprised I'm still alive," Jenny said, shaking her head slightly. "It's just a left up here."
"Thank you dear, I would have missed that," Patricia said, taking the turn. She found Jenny's house easily, parking her car in the driveway, turning to look at the redhead. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"
"I really appreciate the offer Patricia but I'm just going to get in bed," Jenny said, shaking her head. "It isn't often I have the opportunity to be in bed before midnight. I'm going to take full advantage."
"Call me when you have some free time," Patricia said, leaning forward to wrap Jenny in a tight hug. "I'd really like to spend more time with you Jenny."
"And I would love to see you more, Patricia," Jenny said as she hugged the older woman back, sighing. "I'll see if I can be free this weekend, maybe we could do lunch."
"That sounds wonderful dear," Patricia said, pulling back and cupping Jenny's cheek, studying her. "You need to eat more."
"Yes Mom," Jenny teased, laughing lightly. "I'll see you soon Patricia."
"Yes you will," Patricia said, nodding as Jenny stepped out of the car, stretching her back. "Goodbye Jenny!"
"Goodbye Patricia!" Jenny said, waving as the car pulled out of the driveway. She sighed, collecting.
She could this. She had to.
