Disclaimer: I don't own any part of FSOG. They all belong to E.L. James.
Chapter 8 - Confessions
Christian
"Ana please…because I swear…" I swallow and force myself to look at Ana. "If you don't think I'm worth one hour of your time, then fine…but I will walk out of this door and won't come back…" The words stumble out of my mouth without even thinking much about the consequences. However, I mean it. I love her, I never stopped loving her, but it is time to step up my plan otherwise we will be running in fucking circles until we both grow tired.
My heart is pounding erratically against my chest when I see different emotions shifting through Ana's eyes as my words sink in. I watch how her shoulders slump forward and she buries her face in her hands. At this moment I just want to crawl in her head to know what she is thinking.
"Ana? Do you want me to leave?" I feel my nails sinking into my skin as I wait for her answer. Then she slowly tilts her head and shakes it. But then the saddened expression on her face changes and it is replaced by anger.
"You have some freaking nerve Christian!" She bristles. "Who the hell do you think you are?"
At first I am taken aback by her hostility and pure anger. She is seething. I don't think I have ever seen her this angry before.
"We are talking right now Ana!" I say and I sound a lot more confident than I feel to be honest because I know that if I push her too hard, that she won't hesitate in kicking me out.
"You have no right to tell me what to do!" She says pointing her finger at me. "You can't come barging in here like a deluded caveman and throw me over your shoulder and drag me to your freaking cave…"
"What the fuck happened that made you cancel our date…" I ask and casually lean against the kitchen counter.
"You really have no idea do you?" She says.
"No I really don't Ana…please enlighten me please…" I say mockingly.
Her eyes flare with anger as she stands up from the couch and slowly walks into my direction. "Who was that woman Christian?" What woman? When I just stare at her…she continues.
"Hmm…you don't remember? How fucking convenient…" She sneers. "Well let me refresh your memory then…she was tall…a brunette…beautiful and oh…and you looked incredibly comfortable with her when she was looking at you with only adoration in her eyes…" Oh fuck…she saw Leila.
"When did you see her?"
"That doesn't matter Christian…" She says rolling her eyes. "The fact is that I had the most horrible day when I decided I should go and talk to you…I saw you Christian…she touched you…"
"She didn't touch me Ana…"
"She did! Don't fucking lie to me Christian!" She says cutting me off.
"What did you see Ana?"
"I saw her lifting her hand and bringing it to your face…" She replies stubbornly.
"She didn't…"
"I know what I saw Christian!" She says cutting me off again.
"She never touched me Ana…" I yell. "You probably didn't look long enough and jumped to stupid assumptions…"
She stares at me blankly her anger fading just a little and I decide that we need to talk about this in a calm and civilized way.
"Ana…she didn't touch me…because I simply didn't let her touch me. That woman is a part of my past…I didn't know she was coming…she is not important." I say calmly.
"If she is not important then why did you have your hand on her back…why did she step in that car with you? Don't lie to me Christian…it was crystal clear…you were taking her home to have sex with her and then you saw my text and thought well I definitely need to clear my fucking conscience before I continue fucking the brunette…so I am going over to Ana's and then I am going to force her to talk to me…" What the fuck?
"I am not fucking her Ana…" I say through gritted teeth. "I told you the other day that I haven't been with another woman in a very long time…" I am practically yelling at her while holding her shoulders.
"Well excuse me if I don't believe you immediately Mr. Grey…" She says shrugging her shoulders away from my hold. "But I just found out today that I have been living a freaking lie for the past five years…" She yells.
"Will you just stop it? We are running around in circles…" Taking a few steps back from her I close my eyes.
"Ana I want nothing more than to talk to you…explain everything to you, but you just keep running away, making excuse after fucking excuse…what do you want Ana. The ball is in your court now. Do you want me to go?"
"Don't leave…" She whispers after the longest seconds of my life. She takes a few steps back and let's herself fall on the couch. When she closes her eyes a tear slides down her cheek.
It takes me two steps to reach the couch where she is sitting and my heart almost breaks when I see the hurt written on her pale face. Kneeling down in front of her I hesitantly reach for her hands on her lap. "Please don't cry okay…I'm sorry that I barged in there and hauled your tiny ass back to your apartment, but it is just…I didn't see any other way, because when I saw your text…fuck Ana…give me a chance to explain and I will prove to you that you won't regret it…"
"You hurt me so bad Christian…" She takes a shuddering breath and looks at our entwined hands. "I don't think I would survive if you would hurt me again…if you would lie to me again…please no more lies…"
"I know I hurt you…and I regret it every single day…I wish there was something I could do to go back five years and erase all the hurt I caused you…but I can't…" She shakes her head sadly and pulls her hands away from mine and wipes the tears from her face with the back of her hands.
"You look tired…" I say studying her face.
She simply shrugs. "It has been a long, horrendous day…I went to Montesano today and spoke to my dad…" The moment she mentions her father her eyes fill with tears again.
"Hey…don't cry okay. Everything is going to be all right."
"Is it Christian? Is everything going to be all right?" She whispers sadly.
"It is…I know that I am asking a lot from you right now…I realize it I really do…" With the pad of my thumb I wipe away a tear that was threatening to fall from her eye. And like the other day her eyes soften and she leans her head against my hand. I surrender to the magnificent feeling of her face against my hands. And I hope I finally get the opportunity to rebuild that bridge I destroyed. And I know I will have to fight for her. I don't care if the road to her forgiveness and trust hurts me and I don't even care if I have to walk away brokenhearted. Somehow, deep down I know that we are meant for each other.
"So you brought food…" Ana says breaking the perfect moment.
"Yeah…you know…" I shrug and feel my cheeks heating up.
"Still obsessed with food Christian?"
"Yes, I am…some things never change I guess…" I admit ruefully.
For a moment we just stare at each other uneasily. "I placed the bags on your kitchen counter…" I say standing back up and giving her some space.
"What did you get? Or did you cook yourself?" She says with a little smile on her face and turns to unpack the bags.
"You brought Mexican food?" Ana looks at me baffled but then a soft giggle escapes her lips. "I can't believe you did this?" She says and shakes her head. Seeing the smile on her face it is safe to say she finds it amusing. Well thank fuck for that!
I shrug and watch her pulling out the little containers from the bags and placing them on the kitchen counter.
"What were you thinking anyway? To have a good laugh at my expense?" She turns around to open a cabinet and places two plates and cutlery on the counter.
"It was fun…" I say remembering our first date where I brought her to a Mexican restaurant. Totally un-romantic, but since it was her favorite food at the time, I thought it was a good idea. It turned out not to be such a good idea.
"I don't remember you having a lot of fun in the car…" Her smile is bright and her eyes are shining.
"Shit you looked so ..." I am searching for the right word when Ana starts laughing hard.
"Yeah, I suppose shit would be the right word…" She says wiping the tears from her cheeks. "God, and you just kept asking me "Ana, what is wrong…are you in pain…" you were holding my hand and you looked really worried…but I couldn't tell you…that was by far the most mortifying moment of my life."
"You just could have told me that you needed to fart…" I shrug. Ana's eyes widen in horror and her cheeks turn crimson. "Damn the smell was really bad…" I laugh. "I could even taste it!" We are now both laughing.
"Yeah, and those damn windows were stuck…and I could see the tears accumulating in your eyes. And when we finally arrived at my dorm I remember jumping out of the car and thanking you for dinner and in a real Christian Grey fashion you followed me into my dorm and where listening outside the door."
"My mother always told me to accompany your girl back to the door and I needed to be sure that you were all right, besides you had left your purse in my car and because damn that smell Ana, it was like I had a rotten corps in the back of my trunk… I needed to get out of my car!"
"I was convinced that I would never see you again. But you surprised me when you called me that same night…"
"Nah that was just an innocent, little fart. It takes more for me to walk away…" As soon as the words leave my mouth Ana's smile fades and her hand freezes midair. "I'm sorry that was a totally stupid thing to say…" I apologize.
Ignoring my apology she waves with her hand to the barstool motioning for me to sit down. Gingerly she walks around the counter and looks at the barstool as if it is her biggest enemy. "Oh let me take your coat…" She says hoarsely.
With my coat in her hands she walks toward the hallway, and it takes a while before she comes back. I almost want to check up on her when she comes walking back in. I bite back a grin when I see her clumsily climbing on the barstool. That thing is too high for her.
"I guess some things never change…" She says shrugging and blushing embarrassed.
"I think it's cute…"
She eyes me briefly and nods her head. "You look lovely by the way." I let my eyes wander over her body. The dress she is wearing is really complementing her body and now I know for sure. Her tits got bigger. Definitely. Bigger. Boobs. My eyes stop at the long black, high heeled boots. Fuck how I would love to see them draped over my shoulders…of course Ana would only be wearing the boots.
"Thank you…you look very handsome too. You definitely know how to wear a suit." She says sincerely.
I simply smile at her. She has no idea what that compliment means to me. I wouldn't give two shits if anyone else would tell me that I look handsome, but hearing it from Ana means the fucking world.
"Tell me about the photographs…" I point to the photo's hanging on the wall and on the floor. I am not only curious about those photographs but I also need to distract myself from Ana's soft moans of appreciation every time she takes a bite of her food and licks her lips with her tongue.
She takes her time chewing and swallowing the food. Then she takes a swig of her Corona, her eyes roaming over the photo's hanging on the wall. She licks her lips and her eyes dart to mine. Sweet Jesus those lips…
"The photo with the pink houses is a street of Montmartre in Paris. The colors of that photograph actually formed the basis for the design and color outline of this apartment. The Montmartre is beautiful, since it is a designated historic are, it has retained much of its character. Walking around the district was an absolute treat…" Her eyes meet mine briefly before she continues.
"You have a lovely apartment…I like it…" I say holding her eyes. Ana smiles briefly and mumbles a thank you.
"That one over there, with the pigeons is from the ruins of a fortified Arab Muslim medieval palace. It is called Medina Azahara, literal meaning 'the shining city'
The Arabic calligraphy spoke to me and the pigeons. This was a part of the remains of an entryway that led to the gardens. Legends say that the caliph named the palace after his favorite concubine. They say that he build the city to please her. The truth, however, has probably more to do with politics than love…"
"And where is this picture taken?"
"Spain…" She says simply.
"And what about that one?" I point to a photo that is standing on the floor, leaning against the wall.
"Oh…yeah that is a picture of a lock at the Ponts des Arts in Paris. Also known as the bridge of love."
I vaguely remember hearing Mia talking about that bridge. "Have you never heard of it?" She asks smiling. "Mia told me about it a few times, but I never paid much attention to be honest…"
"This bridge is in Paris obviously…" She explains. "You hang locks on it with the name of initials of you and your boyfriend, girlfriend or best friend and then you throw the key into the river. So even though the friend or relationship may end, you can't remove the lock. It stays there forever, as relevance to someone who once was a part of your life." She smiles wishfully. "It is very romantic…a lot of guys propose to their girlfriends on that bridge…" My sweet Ana… hearts and flowers all the way…of course she finds it romantic. Completely the opposite of my marriage proposal to her five years ago.
"Do you travel alone Anastasia or do you take someone with you?"
"Mostly alone, but sometimes I need an assistant and he or she travels with me…" She smiles. "My mother joined me once but well you know my mother, she has the tendency to talk a lot…" She shrugs and takes another sip of her beer. "It is just that when I am working I need silence and I just want to be alone with my thoughts."
"How is your mother doing?"
"Mom is doing fine. She is still married to Bob, she is happy. We talk to each other a few times a week. She was actually the one who convinced me to follow my dreams. She came to visit me in London once and she stayed for a week. When she saw the photographs I made she encouraged me to take that job in New York. If it had not been for my mother, I don't know where I would have ended…"
"Does she still live in Georgia?" I ask.
"Yes. I wish she wouldn't live so far away though. I miss her a lot…" She gives me a weak smile and fumbles with the napkin in her hands. I know I should be asking her about Ray, but somehow I can't make myself to do it…subconsciously knowing where that question will lead to.
"Tell me about London. Was it what you expected it to be?"
She gets a faraway look in her eyes, glancing in the distance. "It was perfect. However I didn't live in London. It was a little town just outside London, but I visited it every chance I got though."
Jumping from the stool she starts cleaning the remains of our dinner. Without giving it a second though, I join her in the kitchen and help her with loading the dishwasher. It's just like when she was still my girl. Except, know I am not allowed to kiss or fondle her, what I actually use to do a lot. Every time she turns around I am hit with a whiff of her scent.
"Thank you for helping me…" She says shyly. "Would you like coffee?" She points to an expensive looking coffeemaker in the corner of her kitchen counter.
Fifteen minutes later we are both holding a cup of coffee. I am sitting on the couch, Ana on the loveseat across me.
"So you have questions." I say knowing that I can't avoid her questions any longer. Besides if I want a chance with Ana she needs to know everything. She simply needs to know the truth…
Her fingers tighten around the pink coffee cup and carefully she takes a sip of the hot liquid. "I spoke to Ray today…and first of all I want to tell you that I believed you…back on "The Grace" I somehow knew that you were telling me the truth." Her eyes wander to the window where the rain is softly tapping against the window.
"He confirmed it. At first he wanted to ignore my questions…but then he finally admitted that he talked to you. He also told me his reasons…" Her eyes are teary when she looks at me. "I never knew about the conversation you had with Ray and I wish I had, because we could have avoided so much pain."
I want nothing more than to sit beside Ana and hold her. I want to desperately apologize again and again…I want to kiss away the tears that are falling from her cheeks and I want to promise her that everything is going to be all right. But I can't. She doesn't want to be touched by me and my promise would mean shit to her at this point.
"He told me that he did what every father would have done for his daughter and that he would do it again…he never apologized…" With a thud she places the half empty cup of coffee on the table and tilts her feet on the couch. She wraps her hands around her knees and buries her face in her knees.
"When…when I broke up with you I left for Seattle that same day…I was desperately trying to convince my father that I was prepared in starting my own business… and even though I was the one who had thrown you out of my apartment an idiot voice inside of my head kept saying that if I just could convince my dad to borrow me the money to start GEH, that I could apologize to you and make things right again." Ana is leaning with her head against her knees, her face turned towards the window. She can't even look at me.
"Unfortunately it didn't came to that. My father was livid and he threw me out, telling me to go back to Boston and to finish Harvard and that if I didn't I would lose access to my monthly allowance and my trust fund. In the plane back to Boston I decided that it wasn't worth it…and that I would try everything to win you back…I couldn't sleep or eat…I missed you terribly. The guilt was eating away at me…it took a few days before I had gathered my strength and courage and I went to your dorm. Kate wasn't there either. A neighbor told me that she had seen you leave a few days earlier with a suitcase…that is when I knew that I needed to go after you. So I booked the first flight to Seattle, rented a car and drove to Montesano… I waited four hours for your father to come back…at first he simply ignored me. When I told him that I wanted to talk to you he told me to get the fuck off his property and to never show my face again. He told me that you hated me and that I had ruined your life and your chance of finishing Harvard. He yelled at me that his daughter deserved better than a fucked up kid…"
Ana's head snaps up her eyes red rimmed and wide. "At that moment I just gave up. He didn't want to tell me where you were." I clear my throat to get rid of that lump. "I know that you don't want to hear my apologies, but I have regretted it until this day that I broke things up with you. I know that it is a lame excuse, but at that time I knew your dad was right. I was fighting so many demons Anastasia…it would have been unfair to drag you with me…"
She shakes her head and stares at me. "Both you and my father made decisions that involved me…" She points at her chest. "You should have talked to me Christian…I knew that you always had trouble with expressing yourself and sharing your thoughts and insecurities with me…but making a decision like that on your own is one of the most stupidest things you have ever done…and just to be clear I never told my dad I hated you. Even more, we never discussed the break up. He didn't ask and I didn't want to talk about it…"
Ana stares at me for the longest time and then her eyes turn cold. "If your dad didn't give you the money Christian, then how in hell did you get the seed money to start GEH?"
I stand up suddenly getting nervous and start pacing the little space behind Ana's couch.
"Christian, what is wrong? Christian stop pulling your hair!" Ana yells, pulling me out of my panic attack. "Jesus Christian, you are scaring me…" Ana whispers. "Please tell me you didn't do anything illegal…"
"No…no I didn't do anything illegal…" Rubbing both hands over my face I stumble back to the couch and sit down. "I know that I don't have any right whatsoever to ask you a favor. But I am going to share something with you that has the potency to kill my reputation and my business…I don't care about my reputation, however I do care about the repercussions it can have for my employees and my family if this were to come out." I clear my throat and look at Ana's fearful eyes. "Please promise me not to share this information with anyone else. No one knows except for my grandfather…"
"I promise…I wouldn't do anything to hurt you Christian…" What she does next surprises me. Wringing her delicate hands she stands up from the love seat and sits gingerly beside me. Her hands hesitantly reach for mine and with a little squeeze she encourages me to start talking.
"Since I didn't have any money I started working at a night-club as a bartender. It was an exclusive club. The pay was shit and I knew that it would take me years to gather enough money to start investing…anyway three weeks later I got an offer to … to…" The words get stuck in the back of my throat. Fuck, she is going to hate me.
"They offered me a job to work as an escort and I accepted…"
I have no fucking clue whether Ana's silence is a good sign or a bad sign. I look down at our entwined hands and then back at the beautiful woman sitting next to me. She blinks her eyes a few times and then she frowns.
"Ana please say something…" I plead and squeeze her hands.
"An escort?" She rasps. "You mean you worked for a police escort service or law enforcement escort…right?" I can see in her eyes that she knows perfectly well what kind of escort I mean, she is just in some kind of denial. I would be too if I were her.
"No…not that kind of escort. I mean that I worked for an escort agency that provided escorts for clients, usually for sexual services."
"I…I don't believe you…" She whispers. "Please tell me that you are joking…please…" Her eyes are searching my face as if she can find the answers there.
"I'm sorry…I just didn't see any other way…."
"But there were other ways Christian!" She says panicking. "You could have gone back to Harvard, you…you could off…"
"At that time Ana I didn't see that I had any other choice. Believe me if I would have known what it entailed exactly I would have never signed that contract…" Her hands feel clammy in mine. She pulls away and walks to the window. Her arms wrapped around her waist.
"To how many woman did you provide your services Christian?"
"Ana, I don't think…"
"I know that I don't have any right to ask you this, I mean we weren't even together…" She says interrupting me. "Call it morbid curiosity or whatever you want, but I really would like to know how many women you fucked…" I wince at her bluntness. But she is right. What I did with those woman had nothing to do with making love, at least not to me. It was a part I played. It was what I was hired for.
"Fifteen…fifteen women…"
She nods her head, still staring out of the window. "Were they pretty?"
"Some of them were … yes…"
"Did you enjoy it?"
"No…I didn't."
She suddenly turns around. The expression on her face is blank, so I have no idea what she is thinking right now. "So, you are telling me that you never got aroused when fucking those women? That you never got off?"
"What I am telling you is that they meant nothing to me. They were my clients and I did what they asked me to do Anastasia…"
"Did you let them touch you?"
"No. absolutely not Ana. Only you Ana…"
"Did you kiss them?"
"No…I never kissed them."
Silence. Ana turns around again and leans her forehead against the window. The minutes pass slowly as Ana stays motionless staring out of the window. Not knowing what to do and not being able to handle the silence anymore I stand up from the couch and make my way to the door.
"I will be leaving Ana…I understand if you don't want to have anything to do with me. But please for the sake of my employees I beg you to keep this to yourself…"
The door knob feels cold in my hands. "I'm sorry Anastasia…"
"Stay…don't leave…" It is a faint whisper, but I hear her and I have never been so fucking relieved in my life.
She turns around slowly and I see devastation written all over her face. Her bottom lip starts to tremble, her shoulders are shaking. It takes me a few steps to get to her and wrap my arms around her. Hesitantly she wraps her arms around my neck and leans with her head against my shoulder. Despite the turmoil this is perfect. She feels perfect in my arms. This is how it should be.
The perfect moment is interrupted by the shrill sound of her doorbell.
"Are you expecting someone?" I whisper against her hair.
"Uhm no…" She wipes the tears from her face and takes a deep breath. "I better go and see who's at the door…" Ana says apologetically.
Ana walks with shaky legs towards the door. "Kate? What…what are you doing here?"
In typical Kate style, Kate kisses Ana's cheek and walks determined into the apartment. The smile on her face is bright and she is carrying all kinds of shit in her hands. "I need you to help me Banana…" I roll my eyes at the ridiculous nick name she has for Ana.
"Uhm…Kate this isn't a good time…" Ana's eyes wander to where I am standing and that is when Katherine fucking Kavanagh finally notices me.
"Christian?" Kate looks from me to Ana. "Ana…do I need to kick him out? Did he hurt you? You have been crying haven't you…" She is spilling questions nonstop. "And what the hell did I tell you huh!" She is now looking at me, her eyes turned into tiny splits and fuck I don't even know what my brother sees in her.
"Kate please stay out of this…" Ana says silently.
"I am not staying out of this. I told him several times to give you some freaking space, but somehow I just turn my back for five freaking minutes and he is over you like a bad rash…"
"It is not like that Kate…" I am surprised that Ana is still acting this calm. But then again, if someone knows how to handle Kate, it is Ana.
Kate visibly relaxes after hearing Ana's admission. "Are you sure? Because you sounded pretty upset when you called me this afternoon…"
"I'm sure…and I am sorry about that phone call…" Ana's eyes dart to mine and then to Kate's. She looks nervous and uncomfortable.
"And what was that stupid text I got from you Steele?" Kate is pinning Ana with her green eyes and fucks he is scary as shit.
"That was something stupid from my part…forget the text Kate…" She says apologetically.
"If you hurt her again Grey…I will make your life fucking miserable…" She hisses looking at me over Ana's shoulder.
"Enough Kate…please." Ana opens the door and waits for Kate to step out. "I will call you tomorrow…" They hug and Kate whispers something in Ana's ear and then she is finally fucking gone.
"I'm sorry about that…" Ana says walking back into the living room. "But she is very protective…"
"It's okay Ana…I understand that she doesn't trust me." I admit.
"Would you like a glass of wine, because I surely need one…" Ana laughs nervously and is already making her way to her kitchen.
A few minutes later she comes walking back into the living room holding two glasses of red wine. "I hope you like red wine…" She says and blushes.
"Red wine is fine…" I murmur.
Ana sits on the couch and pats the empty space beside her. "I have questions…a lot of questions…"
As I take a seat next to her and watch her beautiful face, the apprehension I was feeling before is starting to take control of my body again. But I know I need to have patience because I can't rush something that I want to last forever.
