This chapter nearly wrote itself! I felt so inspired because of this CD my mum gave me xD

I hope you like it! Please review to let me know what you think about it :D

Chapter 8: It's like I can't even feel after the way you touched me

Killian:

I was sitting in a bar that was more looking like an old tavern, drinking with guys that I had never seen before but nonetheless they looked familiar to me. We were laughing and singing - from what I could tell. My mind seemed to be clouded from the alcohol.

Suddenly, a beautiful woman entered the tavern. For the rest of the night I had only eyes for her. Now and again she caught me staring at her. She did not blush, she knew exactly what effect she had on me and she liked the attention.

Finally, she walked over to us. I could see her gorgeous body, her long dark hair falling over her shoulders. „Mind if I sit down?" She did not wait for me to answer, she knew exactly what I was going to say if she had let me.

She took my drink from me and emptied it. Her eyes never left mine. There was sorrow in her eyes, just like the sorrow in my heart. There was this instant understanding between us. I have never felt this way before.

I'd like to ask you something…" She looked at me again with those big, blue-green eyes. „Anything you'd like to know, love." „Are you really Captain of a ship?" Her face lit up, she was hungry for adventure, for change. I smiled at her, my first true smile since … forever.

I knew that something terrible had happened to me, I just could not get ahold of what it was. There was just this feeling … the painful beating of my heart reminding me of a drastic event in my past.

What gave me away?" She smiled at me. „I have seen you walking from your ship into this tavern." „You followed me?" I handed her another drink. I waited for her answer, expecting her to tell me she found me handsome or that she was looking for someone to warm her bed for the night.

But she simply said: „Yes." She emptied her drink again. „I have to go now. I would love to hear your stories, Captain, if we should ever meet again." She stood up and I took her hand, stopping her from leaving me. „I don't recall you ever introducing yourself, love."

Her smile was so beautiful. „Milah. My name is Milah." „See you tomorrow then, Milah?" „Tomorrow." She repeated with a promising tone. I would see her again.

I startled up. At first I was confused where I was since the dream has been so real like I was truly there, like it had been a long forgotten memory that has fought his way through my subconsciousness. That sounded crazy since I knew that this never happened.

Milah and I had first met when her car had conked out. She was going through a hard time because of her divorce. She was not looking for something serious and well, I did not want to give up my freedom. It had taken some time for us to realize we were in love, it was not love at first sight like in this dream.

And she would have never asked me about my boat. She hated it, hated how much time I spent with doing the boat up, being on the sea apart from her. She never wanted to come with me. She feared the ocean just like she was afraid of everything new.

Maybe I was dreaming of an alternative first meeting because I always pictured an other future for us if we had not been so stupid in the beginning. We would have had more time together. These dreams made me realize what I have lost, what pain I have suffered.

I had those weird dreams for some time now. The first time on the day Emma had kissed me. Although they were not this clear then. I only remembered a few glimpses when I woke up, just enough to know that Milah has been in them.

Annie was cuddled against me. She was sleeping soundly.

It felt good having her next to me and at the same time I felt guilty. Guilty for pretending. I did not even know how I have been caught up in this mess. My only intention was to carry on with my life before I have met Emma. I was looking for someone … anyone to spend the night with, to continue my list with meaningless names, to fill my memory with faceless strangers.

I had been to the rabbit whole like any other Friday night. I searched for someone that I thought was at least attractive. But I found fault in all of the women there. All I could think about was Emma. She was in every thought of mine. She had spoiled me for every other woman.

I began to drink, I had already given up hooking up with someone since I only searched for features that resembled Emma. Blonde hair, green eyes, high cheekbones. Looking for someone to make me forget about Emma only led to me think about her more, searching for her in all of the other woman.

It was so frustrating. I craved for her voice, I desired her touch, I wished to be intoxicated with her smell. Every cell in my body screamed at me for staying away from her. But I had to. I realized not only because I wanted to protect her from heartbreak, but because of myself too. I had to be egoistic. I could not bear loosing her too. It was better never knowing what it felt like to be loved by her than missing her love for the rest of my life.

Maybe all of this was insane. Even if I never sought a relationship with her, it would still hurt going to her funeral. I would still loose her, even if I walked away now. I could stop my suffering and just be with her as long as her time allows us to.

But I was afraid. Too afraid. I would be swallowed by the darkness again, where no one exists expect myself, where everyone has left me behind. I feared the pain of loosing her. I truly believed it was better to never call her mine, because then I can't truly loose her. You can't loose something, you never possessed in the first place.

I was selfish, I knew that. But that is the way I am.

I wanted to leave the rabbit hole and then, Annie was standing there. Her resemblance of Milah unmistakably. Maybe that is why I approached her, because of the dreams I had had lately. Reminding me of a better time, a time filled with love and not sorrow.

I bought her a drink. We talked. I went home with her. I slept with her. She lay in my arms. I thought it would be a one time thing, but I met her regularly. We could talk about (almost) everything, in another life we would have been perfect for each other. I saw that her feelings for me were growing although it would never be mutual. I liked her but I could never love her - even though she looked so much like Milah.

I hated myself for using her, for wasting her time. But I realized that although I could not love her, I began to care about her. Enough to protect her from being hurt - even by myself. So I stayed with her.

I unhung the pictures of Milah in my apartment and carefully put them in a box that I hid. Annie should never think I chose her because of her physical similarity to Milah - although that was exactly the reason, I had been drawn to her.

We had many dates and on one she declared that she wanted me to meet her parents someday. I knew what this meant. She wanted more from me than I could ever give her and nonetheless, would pretend to give. It was her way of asking me for commitment to her. I faked a smile and told her, that I was looking forward to meet them, anytime they were free.

From that day on she spent most of her times at my apartment like she moved in. It was never a question if we stayed at her place or mine since she loved to watch the sea as much as I did. As I said before, we could have had the perfect relationship.

Except that my heart belonged to another.

It was the worst seeing Emma in the bar, looking at me hopefully. I felt so guilty like I had betrayed her - even though we have never been a couple. I could not even look her in the eyes.

When I saw here leave without her jacket, I could no longer ignore her. I excused myself, mumbling something about going to the restrooms. I hurried after her and even though she seemed to be quite drunk and weaving, she was pretty fast. She turned around the corner and I lost sight of her.

When I finally caught up to her, she was cursing. She did not seem to notice me. I could have said something, I could have harrumphed to let her know I was there. But my body wanted something else. My fingers wanted to feel her skin. I was burning with an insatiable desire for her. When my fingers reached her skin, it was like I was catching fire. How could I ever pretend not having feelings for her?

She looked at me angrily like it was not my place to bring her her jacket, like it was a crime to be attentive. But I knew that she was mad because … I hurt her by turning her down after she kissed me.

My eyes glimpsed blood. Instantly, my heart dropped. I had a hard time trying not to let my face fall. I asked her if she was okay, but what I truly wanted to say was, if I could help her. It was clear that she did not want any help, at least, not coming from me.

She told me she was fine on her own. She lied. She just did not want anyone to see her pain. Although it was the last thing I wanted to do, I turned my back on her and walked away without glancing back once.

Since that moment I questioned my actions so far. Have I really done the right thing? Could I ever be happy without her? Could I ever learn to love Annie when all I could think about was Emma - even when I was sleeping with Annie, innerly wishing it was her? Was this how my life would be?

As if she was sensing my doubt in her sleep, Annie moved closer to me.

But once doubt was seeded in my brain, I could not pull it out like it was weeds, it was slowly beginning to grow.

On the next day I was meeting with Henry. He wanted to talk to me about something. We met not at our usual place since Regina arranged to take the wooden castle down. She said it was because she was concerned about Henry's safety. But I knew what she was really worried about. She feared that Henry would grow closer to Emma than the two of them had ever been. She knew he distrusts her, she knew Henry was looking for a way out of her home. I could understand her. She did not think about anyone but herself, she was selfish, not caring if she hurt Henry with taking his special place from him. All she cared about was that Henry belonged to her alone.

We met in the park where you could buy ice-cream if it was warm enough like today. He was waiting for me on a bench. I winked at him and pointed him to meet me at the ice cream van. I bought him some scoops ( - different flavors, only because I persuaded him too, otherwise it would have been 6 scoops of chocolate).

We sat down on a bench, where no one could see us. I understood that what he was going to say was important to him since we should not be disturbed. „How are you, lass? Haven't seen you in a while." „That's because I have spent some time with Emma." Now he looked upset. „What's wrong?" I was worried that something had happened to her, that she was lying in hospital, that she was … I could not even think it.

„My mum does not allow us to see each other. Emma only said, that she screwed up. It was about something Emma thought my mum was doing illegally but then later it came out she was wrong." I could see that he missed Emma. Something we had in common.

„And my book is missing. You did not happen to see it?" I shook my head. We were sitting next to each other in silence, Henry was eating his ice-cream.

„I cannot understand why my mum hates her so much." „I guess, that's something you will understand when you are grown-up." He put his ice-cream aside, he had not eaten much. That kid was highly depressed. How could Regina not see this? Wasn't his happiness more important than her own?

„No, I think I am the only one who truly understands her hatred for Emma. She is the evil queen, she cursed all of you and now her power is in danger because of Emma, the savior." I did not know what to say. I could not believe he was still believing everything in that book truly happened. I was just thinking he was going through a phase.

„Not allowing us to meet, is throwing operation cobra off. I believe in Emma, I believe that she can and will save all of you. But she does not have faith in herself." Now he was talking like he was a fifty year old guy with much experience. Nonetheless, he sounded insane.

„Henry, you and Emma will find a way, I am sure of that. Regina can't keep you apart forever." He wanted to say something but was interrupted by the loud noises of a motorbike. We both turned our heads in the direction of the sounds. There was someone not that far away from us, sitting on a motorcycle and watching us.

„Whose that?" I asked more to myself and did not expect an answer. „Some guy that is visiting Storybrooke." „Visiting? Strangers don't come to Storybrooke." „Yeah, I was curious too, but you cannot get anything out of him, not even his name." „You have met him before?" „Yeah, he ran into me and Emma the other day, asking where he could get a room." „So he has been around some time now?" „A few weeks, I guess."

Henry and I talked some more, my thoughts never leaving the stranger.

In the afternoon I was supposed to meet Annie at Granny's (since it was Valentine's day) but she was late. I guess something at work had to have hindered her. She loved her job, although I did not quite understand what she was doing. She worked in some kind of laboratory in the hospital. Something about analyzing blood samples.

I was sipping my coffee and thinking about the stranger. I wondered what he wanted in Storybrooke. There was just nothing to see here, nothing of significance that could attract tourists. Why go to a deserted place like this? Unless you had to hide something. I was suspicious of him, that's why I told Henry to stay away from him. I would never forgive myself if something happened to that kid because of my carelessness.

I looked out of the window and caught sight of shiny, golden curls. I set upright to get a better look at her. She was not alone, she was talking to that stranger. She was rubbing her temples and I could see, even from this distance that a huge bump was forming there. Had that son of a bitch hurt her? I knew he had had to be hiding something.

Filled with rage, I stormed outside. As soon as I opened the door, I could hear what they were talking about. „Thanks for bringing me, I could not have driven." „Are you really alright? That cane really seems to have hit you pretty bad." „I am just glad Gold did not kill that man. Who knows, if I had arrived a few seconds later…" „He appears to be a troubled man." „You have no idea. Everyone in Storybrooke is afraid of him and now I know why. But I got this feeling that his reaction was about more than just a few trinkets."

„Unless he tells you, I guess, we will never know." „Probably. Thanks again for bringing me, August. I am glad you were near the station or else I would have had to walk home from there, presenting everybody my disfigured face." „It's not that bad." There was silence. I only saw the back of her head. „What about that drink?" „I said sometime." He smiled at her. He waved at her and turned to leave.

She walked towards the diner, only then noticing me. At first there was this awkward silence between us. Neither of us knew what to say. And then she did the thing I least expected her to do. She smiled at me. A weak, whacked smile but nonetheless the most beautiful thing there ever was.

We sat in the diner, next to each other. I had asked Granny for some ice or frozen vegetables or meat just anything to stop her bump from swelling even more. I gently pressed frozen peas against her temple. She flinched. „Sorry." I wanted to draw it away but she stopped me. „No, it feels good."

„What happened?" I had eavesdropped and still could not make sense of what I had heard. „Oh, that is a long story, but to sum it up: Gold came to me, reporting he had been robbed, I found most of it and I also found out who did it (although Moe French has eloped), but something important to Gold was missing. He was frustrated, he went on this crazy justice-mission on his own. When I found him, he was hitting French with his cane. I went between the two of them, Gold's cane striking my head."

Her hand lay over my hand above the peas. Her hands were cold and yet, where our hands touched, it felt like I was burning. „I got it." I pulled my hand away reluctantly. „How come you are always that brave, Swan?" „Are you kidding me? I nearly wet my pants seeing Gold brutally hitting that poor guy. But all I could think about was to save them. Moe French from getting his bones broken and Gold, well … one day or other he would have regretted hurting him. At least, I hope I have spared him from regret."

„What did you do with them?" „Moe French is in hospital and Gold is under arrest, he is sitting behind bars in the station. I never thought I would see that." „What is going to happen to him?" „He will be a free man soon enough again, he has the ways and means to get himself out. But the strangest thing was, that Regina wanted to talk to him. ALONE." „And you let her?"

She glanced to the floor. „She let me see Henry for half an hour. How could I have said no?" „You don't have to exculpate yourself. I would have done the same thing. I have talked to him today. He has missed you." „And I missed him. Even though it was only half an hour, I enjoyed every second of it."

Then I asked the question that truly maltreating my brain. „And how did the stranger end up bringing you here?" I hope I did not sound jealous … „The ambulance men would not let me drive because they could not be sure if I had a brain concussion. The ambulance drove Moe French into the hospital and the emergency doctor brought me and Gold to the station. So the sheriff's car is somewhere deep down in the forest. And when I wanted to go home, August offered to drive me home with my bug and I accepted."

„Did you find out anything about the stranger?" „Not much. His name is August, he claims to be a writer, being here because of inspiration issues or whatever." I wanted to ask her about that drink, he mentioned. Did they go on a date? Was she interested in him? But I did not dare to ask. It was not my place to ask her. Although I did not want her to be with another guy.

She put the bag of peas that was now only semi-frozen on a plate that was left from another customer.

„How are you? I haven't seen you in ages!" „Good." „That is all you have to say?" „There is not much to tell." Again silence. But now it was not awkward anymore.

„What about your girlfriend?" She caught me off guard. I had no idea she knew about me and Annie (but I guess, she put two and two together after seeing us in the rabbit hole). „I get why you did not have time to see me, being all lovey-dovey." „I am sorry, I did not tell you. It's just … it happened real fast."

„Don't be sorry. I am glad you found someone. You deserve happiness." She stood up. „I should go home now. It has gotten late and I am exhausted. See you soon?" „I'll call you, I promise." She gave me a weak smile. I could only stare at her while she was slowly walking away.

You deserve happiness. That's what she had said.

Was I really happy?

Annie came two hours after we were supposed to meet. She was babbling about how sorry she was and what had delayed her. Her eyes lit up when she was talking about her job. She had always dreamed about helping people. She had achieved everything she had ever dreamed of. She was a winner.

I, on the other hand, had an underpaid job that was okay, I guess, but it was not fulfilling me. It should have been a temporal job only, just until I had someone who would absorb the business. But then life happened, I met Milah and everything else was unimportant. I never tried to reach my goal's in life again. I was the typical loser.

Why would someone like Annie fall for someone like me? Why would anyone ever fall for me?

I only half-listened to what she was saying. There was just so much going on in my mind that I could not concentrate on the conversation. My mind was always drifting back to Emma. I felt like a total jerk, sitting here with my actual girlfriend, thinking of another woman. Always thinking of another woman.

I could feel guilt rising in me, but also grief. Guilt because I could never be the one that Annie deserved. She was a heart-warming person and I truly wished I could love her. Things would be so easy.

Grief because I would never be able to enjoy the future lying ahead of us. The big wedding - Annie always dreamed of since she was a small child - we could celebrate, the children we could have (she wanted at least two), the house we could buy (of course near the ocean but a big one to have enough space for guests). I did not want any of this things. At least, not with Annie.

„Everything alright, Killian? You are so quiet today." „It's nothing, love, don't worry. I am just a bit tired." I was breathing lies, I was just a big pile of trash. „Do you want to go home?" „No, let's eat something first. It's still our first Valentine's day. Reminds me of giving you this!" It had taken me some time to find the right gift for her. I hoped that she would like it.

I did not specially wrap it, it was in a simple black box, the same box in which I had bought it. She looked speechlessly at me. Looked like she did not expect to get anything from me. I smiled at her and gave her an encouraging look to open it.

Although I was not that fond of being in a relationship with her, I wanted to at least try to be a good … boyfriend to her. That was the solution of my misery. Trying. It had to be enough for Annie, for me.

She opened the box. In it lay a necklace with lavaliere. It was a tiny golden seashell on which a heart-trinket filled with ‚water' was hanging.

„It's beautiful!" „Now you will always be caring the sea with you, even if you are at work." „And it will always remind me of you, my sailer! Would you mind helping me?" I put the necklace around her neck and closed the clasp. Her brown hair tickling my skin.

„I feel guilty now. I did not buy anything for you!" „I believe there are other ways that you can repay me." She grinned at me. „Well, we might just take the food with us and go home. You know, we have a microwave if anything was about to intervene." She took my hand in hers. „Sounds like a plan", I responded.

We picked up our food and left the diner.

On our way home she seduced me and we were having sex on the beach. The sex with Annie was nice, but nothing special. I guess, the secret ingredient to unforgettable good sex was LOVE after all.

Suppressing my true feelings and pretending otherwise was wearing me out. Nonetheless, that night I could not find sleep. I felt so numb on the inside.

Sometimes I wished I could just run away from everything. Leaving Storybrooke and all the feelings, the bad ones as well as the good ones, behind me. A fresh start somewhere, finally trying to become the man I had always wanted to be. Joining in the navy or something like that.

But I would not. I could not leave HER. And by that I did not mean Annie.

It would always be Emma.

Always.