16h April

Nothing had any meaning anymore. I felt empty. I had no appetite nor any desires or impulses anymore. It was as though a world which had been brightly lit before, the colours becoming more vivid when I had met Edward, had been bleached a cold grey. Not even black and white, everything was just a varying degree of the same bland colour. And I mourned the loss of life and vibrance that the world used to hold. Alice and Angela had stopped calling me Bella after they had seen my reaction to it the first time, which I was grateful for, as everything reminded me of Edward as it was. I was surprised I could feel gratitude at all after what had just happened to me. The pain of Edward staying behind had left me numb and I wondered how Alice could bear to do anything.

Everywhere I went there were kind words and pitying looks from the Caparthia passengers, but none of this helped me to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see was Edwards heartbroken face, tears running down his cheeks as he turned away. That night played over and over in my mind as though someone had sped it up, but the one part I wanted to forget the most was burned into my memory. Although I knew in my heart I would never truly want to forget my last minutes with Edward.

Alice had eagerly checked all of the survivors lists, not just first class, in case of mistake, but there was no record of Edward. And with that my last piece of hope had crumbled away. That was when the tears had finally started. I had been almost numb before but now the full weight of my loss came crushing down on me. I would never see Edward again, never feel his warm hand, comforting in mine, never hear his deep velvet laughter, never see his crooked smile or curious emerald eyes. The tears stopped eventually but when they left there was none of the numbness I had felt before, just pure unadulterated agony.

I hadn't washed or eaten since the disaster. It wasn't that I wanted to punish myself for surviving when so many others hadn't, although I certainly felt like I should. It was because there didn't seem any meaning to anything. What was the point in brushing my hair if Edward wasn't there to run his hands through it? Why would I want to eat if I wasn't hungry?

So many brave and noble people had lost their lives, so many brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, friends and family would never see their loved ones again. I felt a strange hollow feeling in my chest, it was the grief for so many people, both known and unknown, who had perished in the freezing waters. My tears had lasted hours that first night, when the enormity of the disaster had finally caught up to me and the shock had worn off. I wondered if I would ever be able to sleep again. The past two days had been full of nothing but wishing and hoping and grieving. I, not surprisingly, couldn't sleep; every time I shut my eyes those dreadful last hours played out behind my closed lids. I found that late at night, when Alice and Angela were lost in almost peaceful dreams, I could numb the pain somewhat, by walking up on the frozen deck. I usually didn't encounter anyone but if I did we would both know the reasons for our wondering and no-one ever spoke to me nor I to them. The only possible reason someone else would be out that late would be the same as mine.

I was leaning against the rail, staring at the sea and dreaming wistfully of happier times, when I heard footsteps behind me. I didn't turn, not caring if I seemed rude, I was tired of keeping up pretences.

"Isabella?" Alice asked softly, her voice held an edge of something I hadn't heard since we had checked the survivor lists, hope, maybe.

I turned silently to her and she embraced me when she saw my tears.

"I came to tell you, I was down at the hospital, going to get some tablets for Angela's seasickness, when I heard them discussing a patient they had recovered from one of the lifeboats. They said he had been in the water so long they thought it was too late, but he was picked up by one of the lifeboats that went back for survivors." I wondered why she was telling me all this if it wouldn't help me hurt less and it wouldn't bring Edward back.

Seeming to sense my reluctance to talk she continued in a hurried voice.

"I was curious as to whether I would know this miraculous survivor, so I went to visit him. I had heard the doctors saying his name hadn't been taken because he was unconscious with hypothermia when they bought him in" she took in a deep breath.

"It's Edward, Isabella! Edward's alive! He's okay!" I froze.

"What?"

"I know! I thought it was impossible myself until I saw him. But he hasn't been allowed out of bed. He asked me to come and find you straight away."

I felt faint so I gripped the side of the rail. If what she was saying was true I had to find him. And why would Alice lie? She wasn't cruel, and she wouldn't make anything like that up about her own brother. But I just couldn't believe it, it just wasn't possible.

"what?" I asked again in a small voice.

"Isabella, are you alright"

"Alice…why" my voice choked off again.

Alice misinterpreted my question.

"I told you he was a fighter" and then she smiled.

"Your serious?" I asked, but I knew my answer and I took off as fast as I could towards the nearest staircase without waiting for a reply. Her face had been enough to tell me everything I needed to know.

"Bella?" she called after me "You don't know where you're going"

"I think I can remember!" I shouted back, not even slowing down. I had been to the infirmary only once before, and that was when I had the examination to give me the all clear on that bleak, endless morning.

I sprinted down the stairs and fell through the infirmary door. "Edward Cullen." I managed to gasp at the startled nurse who had seen my entrance.

"Please, where are the Titanic survivors?"

She seemed to sense the desperation in my voice and looked at me sadly.

"I'm sorry." Her voice had a thick accent, something I couldn't place, and her English was broken.

"They aren't with us anymore, the last one, he is gone"

I stared at her in shock. After all I had been through this was the last straw and I felt as though my already non-existent heart was shattering into a million pieces, piercing my lungs so that I couldn't breathe. Surely his condition couldn't have deteriorated that much since Alice had left to find me. She had seemed so thrilled and implied that Edward was alive and well, not on the verge of death.

I felt my tears well over and I managed to mumble a thank you to the shocked nurse, who took a step after me before hesitating. I retreated back to the small cabin Alice, Angela and I now shared without a backward glance, fighting to keep myself together until I was in the privacy of the cabin. The tears flowed down my cheeks as I lay on the bed and sobbed. When no more tears would come I composed myself before going up on deck to find Alice again. It was surprisingly hard to find a reserve of strength to stop my sobs, I had thought I had come to terms with Edwards death but I realized now that I would never truly be able to get over it, how suddenly he had been taken away. Despite only having known each other for a week at most, I couldn't help feeling that Edward and I had something special, it felt as though I had known him all my life and yet it still wasn't enough. Although I was still struck through with grief it was the loss of the fresh hope that affected me the worst, as I had already given up hope on ever seeing my love again. The wind stung my face as I entered into the cool air and looked around me to see if I could spot either of them. I contemplated throwing myself to the unforgiving waves, as I had considered before, but there were two reasons why I couldn't bring myself to do it. The first was that Charlie needed me, he had no one else, and I didn't know how my death would affect him.

The second was Edward; the last thing he had asked of me was that I take care of myself, and I was going to do my best to follow his wishes.

But the prospect of a life without Edward, even though I knew our relationship would have been forever doomed by the rules of society, stretched out before me, as grey and unappealing as the sea before me. It was cold and empty, full of important things like friends and family that disappeared without Edward there to show how wonderful life and love could be.