Hey all you lovely people. Really sorry for the late update. I have no excuses but the fact that I have been enjoying the holiday season a bit too much and also shopping LOL Thanks everyone who reviewed. Love you all. Means a lot. Thank you.
Here's the new chapter. Please review. Xx
CHAPTER- 9
CHRISTIAN
Surely I cannot be in love with Ana, can I? I mean...I love her. I have always loved her. What's there not to love? She's my best friend and my rock, the only light in my dark life. But am I in love with her? I don't think so. This can't be because if it's true, it changes everything. And I don't do well with changes like these. Feelings and shit? Nope. Not for me. It was probably me acting out again because I've never felt so possessive about her before and I'm just overlapping possessiveness with love. This has to be the answer because any other reason is going to screw me over.
I'm not meant for love. Heck, I don't even believe in this shit. I can never even allow myself to feel for anyone because I carry Carrick Grey's genes. As much as I try not to be like him, there's always the phrase 'like father like son' doing my head in. What if? Just what if I turn out to be like him? And I can never hurt Ana the way Carrick Grey hurt my mother. Before it kills Ana, I'll be dead if I even think of hurting her. And so, love? For me? Nada. Always have, always will.
And fuck me from all directions, what the fuck was I thinking challenging that bastard? This fucking ego is going to be your downfall, Grey. I have a bad feeling about this. This is so screwed up, fuck!
But I can't back out now. Yeah, because your ego is so big, you put up a challenge for your best friend's affections. Shame on you.
I wasn't thinking and I was so sure Ana will never choose him over me. But you're not so sure now, are you?
She likes him and it shows on her face clear as day. Just thinking about this makes my blood boil. Maybe, you are in love with her. No, I'm not and stop putting shit in my head. Love and me? Nope. No can do.
Hell, I need to get my head straight. Maybe, I'll get an appointment with a shrink to sort my head. Or maybe a head scan for checking aneurysms will do me some good because there is no other reason for my brain to act so dysfunctional.
Fucked.
So fucked.
So so fucked.
Parking the car at one of my reserved spots, I rush inside Grey House in my wrinkled clothes and black eye, not giving a damn to what my employees will think of me, but I have to see Ana.
One step inside the Grey House Lobby and I can feel every pair of eyes focused on me. I make my way towards the elevators while glaring back at all my employees with a look that screams 'mind your fucking business'. Everyone quickly resumes back to doing whatever the hell I pay them to do.
Stepping out of the elevator, I find Ana on her desk, slumped forward, elbows propped on the desk with her head on her hands. Her eyes are covered so she can't see it's me. Even from a distance, I can feel tension radiating off of her. She probably thinks Elliot and I have murdered each other. If only she knew I've actually done something more averse like a challenge for her feelings. What have I done?
Well, it's too late now. Egoistic bastard.
Ana suddenly lifts her head up, staring at me with those piercing blue eyes, a surprised look on her face. She probably wasn't expecting me here. Slowly rising from her chair, she makes a mad dash towards me and engulfs me in a tight embrace. The impact almost knocks me off my feet but I held steady tightening my grip on her.
"Oh Christian, I was so worried," she tightens her hold around me, as if it was even possible.
It feels so good.
Someone worrying about you. Holding you.
You call this feeling love, asshole. Shut the fuck up, I chastise my inner demon away. But she feels so good to hold.
"I'm okay, Ana," I tell her in my calmest voice to ease her tension and pull her closer. Suddenly I have an urge to squash her against me. It just feels so fucking good. How is it that I've never felt this before? But fuck, it feels good. If I looked at a mirror, I know I'd see my lips curved in a looney smile, almost dreamlike. It just feels so amazing. I never want to let go. And before I can control myself, I hear myself sighing with a "Hmmphhh" sound. Shit. What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you exchange your dick for a pussy? I sound like a girl in my own head. What the fuck, Grey?
Ana pulls back. I pout inside my head missing the warmth of her body against mine.
She starts checking me for injuries from head to toe, "Are you alright, Christian? Did he do anything to you?" Her voice is laced with worry but all I can do is fucking grin like a pansy. She worries about me! It's not the first time, but it's the first time I feel so happy about it that I can feel my frozen heart thawing.
"Why are you smiling like a crazy person? Oh my God! Did he hit your head or something? You're acting crazy here." And I still can't stop grinning when she tugs my head down and checks my head for any bumps left from a bang. Cute. So fucking adorable that I could eat her right now.
Grabbing her hand, I make my way towards the elevators again. She looks at me baffled.
"You're done for the day and it's my day off. We're taking a break, Ana." It's the first time I've taken a sick leave from work. My usual reaction for a sick leave I presume would be throwing temper tantrums at anyone who came across me because I hated missing work. But I just feel ecstatic. Or maybe, you're happy because you are in love. Oh shut up, I'm just happy because Ana deeply cares about me which means she will choose me and not him. And we're back to square one again, you're such a fucking asshole, you know that?
Inside the elevator, Ana tries to contemplate on what the hell is going on with me. Heck if I knew myself. I scoff at that and turn towards Ana, finding her scrutinizing me with those powder blue eyes looking cute as fuck. And before I can help it, my lips stretch in a shit-eating grin and I don't even know why. Love, that's why. And just like that my smile turns into a scowl and I want to bang my fucking inner monologue so that it would just shut up for once. In the midst of the battle between my subconscious and I, Ana is staring at me amused and gives me a 'you've gone crazy' look. Can't argue with that.
The elevator dings at the ground floor and I walk out with Ana hand in hand with the return of the shit-eating grin on my face. It's fucking plastered there and I don't even know why. The constant strain on my cheek muscles is starting to hurt now and I still can't stop smiling. Suddenly a thought comes to my mind which halts us both from walking ahead.
"Ana?" I call her.
"What?" She tries to free herself from the grip I have on her palm. Nice try.
"Those brownies you had back at your place, they weren't hash brownies, right?"
"Excuse me?" She looks like I've grown two heads.
"You heard me."
"Are you fucking with me, Christian? Did I just hear you say, I made hash brownies and stocked them up at my house?" She sounds bewildered.
"Don't be so dramatic. It's just I've not been feeling like myself."
"Yeah, I can see that." She rolls her eyes.
"Whatever do you mean?"
"You've been smiling, Christian. For no reason. You don't smile."
"What? Of course, I smile." I do, right? I always smile when I'm with Ana.
"Yeah, only in your dreams." Scowling at her, I resume our walk and head back to my car.
Once inside the car, Ana's onslaught of questions start, "What happened with Elliot, Christian? Did you hurt him? What did you guys talk about? He didn't hurt you, did he? Are you going to talk or not?"
"God, woman! Take a breather. Let me get freshened up and we can talk after that. How about a slow, relaxing day at Escala?"
"Sounds good to me." She nods more to herself than to me. An entire day with Ana. I don't know why but it makes me so happy. And the smile is back. What is wrong with me? Lo… Shut up, I hiss inside my head.
Parking at one of the penthouse reserved spots, we climb out of the car and head towards the elevators.
A shrill screaming of my name comes from behind us just as we hit the button to call the elevator. "Chrissy!" Fuck, my ears.
A bouncing Lily Lincoln is running towards me, her enhanced breasts almost bursting through the top which seems a size or two small for her bust. One look at Ana and we both roll our eyes at the same time.
"How the fuck does she know I'm here?" I hiss at Ana under my breath.
"Shit."
"What?"
"She called at the office, I told her you were unavailable and took a sick leave. She must be here to check on you, Chrissy." I groan at the nickname Lily addresses me with. She has always called me Chrissy, since we were kids. I hate it and it doesn't help that it rhymes with pussy.
Engulfing me in a bear hug, she asks, "Chrissy, are you okay? I called you and Ana told me you took a sick leave. I was so worried. I mean you never ever take a sick leave." Pulling back she looks at my face and her mouth hangs open. "Holy shit! What happened? Who did this to you, Chrissy?" Ana's eyes roll back in the Undertaker imitation she's so good at.
"I'm okay, Lily. I went for a late night jog without Taylor and got mugged." Ana smirks at how confidently I can lie.
"Oh my God, Chrissy! How can you be so stupid to go for a jog without Taylor? I am going to have some words with him for even allowing this to happen." She huffs and makes her way inside the waiting elevator before Ana and me.
Ana stops me by grabbing on my elbow, "I'm leaving, Chrissy!"
"What? You cannot leave me alone with that thing." I beg her.
"She gets on my nerves, Christian. She is so annoying I want to punch her."
"You cannot do this to me, Ana. Please?" I pout. Pouting always works. Rolling her eyes back like The Undertaker again, which makes her look fucking scary and disgusting but she does it anyway, she joins Lily in the elevator who was trying to eavesdrop on our whispering. Women.
Thinking my plans of a relaxed day with Ana, just hanging out and watching movies got thwarted by the annoying Lily Lincoln, whose only mission in life was to jump my bones, has soured my mood terribly. All I can do is frown right now.
After a quick shower and changing into my sweats, I head out hoping that Ana hasn't killed Lily by now. The sight I am met with pleases me. Ana and Gail laughing at something while Gail puts something in the oven to bake. I love watching Ana so settled in my place. Lily is overlooking Seattle through the floor to ceiling windows and turns around with a big grin as she watches me come in view. Fuck this.
Gail, being lovely as always, prepared us a late lunch of Cheesy Chicken Enchilada Pasta and both Ana and I have been eating and sipping wine quietly for the past half an hour or so because Lily Lincoln doesn't know how to shut the fuck up.
"Excuse me," Ana stands up, shoves her plates in my direction to wash and walks away with the glass of wine towards the media room. Gail put her eye mask over my eye again for the bruise to heal just in time for me to fly to the Middle East for my meeting with the Sheikh.
Turning my head towards Lily, I fake smile at her so she can continue with her bitching about the latest event she attended and how the other women were so jealous of her.
If not for her mother, she would be dead by now.
ANA
There are only a handful of people in this world that have my undying hatred for them. Well, there is Carrick Grey for obvious reasons, Damon my cheating ex, Grace Trevelyan-Grey for being so good at faking, Elena Lincoln because she calls me a gold digger and her daughter Lily Lincoln because of her predatory nature towards Christian.
Yes, all women become predatory around Christian, but there's just something so blatantly vulgar about how Lily Lincoln did it that all you want to do is gag her and then fucking choke her.
Shuffling through channels, I stop when Modern Family comes on the big screen. Just what I need. Laughter. Few minutes into the show and I've forgotten about Lily and Christian's absence. Laughing at something Gloria just said, my eyes fall on the blinking screen of my iPhone where a notification just popped up. An iMessage from Elliot just saying 'Hi."
Forgetting about one of my favorite shows that was running in the background, I reply to him just the same. Hi.
His reply is almost instantaneous.
-What are you doing?
~Watching Modern Family at Christian's.
He takes his time to reply this time and after a few minutes my iPhone screen shows another notification.
-Want to go grab dinner with me tonight?
~Sorry. Got plans with Christian.
-Tomorrow then?
Persistent. Say no, Steele. He's bad news. Ignore. But I need to warn him off Christian.
~Okay. What time? You're an idiot.
-I'll pick you up at 8. Nothing formal. Text me your address.
I reply with my address and a see you. What am I doing?
Just then my phone rings and I notice that it's Jose and from the corner of my eyes I see Christian strolling in and slumping beside me on the couch. The bitch has probably left.
"Hey, Jose." I answer cheerily, my bad mood vanishing in thin air when I remember our conversation at the restaurant today.
"Hi, Ana. I'm calling to check if you're free tomorrow night. The whole crew wants to celebrate." Shit. I haven't told Christian about it and I agreed to go out with Elliot tomorrow night, which also Christian doesn't know about. Fuck.
"Erm… I'll get back to you about it tonight, Jose."
"You have to make it, Steele. You're the star." I chuckle at that.
"I'll try."
"You better."
"Bye, Jose."
"Bye." We hang up.
Turning my gaze towards Christian, his gray eyes boring a hole in my head and he is looking at me with a questioning look.
"Out with it." He deadpans. How does he always know?
"Bad news or good news first?"
"Bad."
Clearing my throat I start, "Elliot asked me to dinner tomorrow night."
"Aaaand?" He stretches the word knowing it's not the end of what I have to say.
"And I agreed." He doesn't say anything. Just looks at me, contemplating. Narrowing those steely grays, his brows crease in an irritated scowl. He rubs his temples with his fingers smoothing the tension out of his head.
And what comes out of his mouth astounds me. "That's alright," he sighs and leans back to rest his head and turns his face towards me, "It's your life, Ana. Who you choose to be friends with is your choice. You shouldn't have to decide who to hang out with thinking about how I would feel." I try to interrupt him but he silences me with his finger on my lips and continues, "I know that no matter what, no one can ever take you away from me or take my place in your life. That much I'm sure of. I'm not scared of him taking you away, you are my best friend and no one can change that." He finishes.
Wow.
I was not expecting such a change in him regarding the whole Elliot issue. "What the hell happened between you two after I left?"
"I'm not scared of losing you to him. I just don't want you to get hurt."
"Maybe, I've got a little crush on him, but that's it, Christian. I won't let anyone hurt me." I reassure him. After Damon cheated on me, he's been overly protective of who I date. But I know I'm not going to date Elliot Grey. He's an asshole and he deliberately wants to hurt Christian. Tomorrow I'll settle scores with him and warn him off Christian. No one messes with Christian, that too using me as an aggravation.
He looks pained. Probably by my confession. "If you want to be with him, I won't stop you. Now, tell me the good news. God knows I need to hear something good after spending a better part of lunch with that thing!" Christian snorts in disgust.
I can't help but laugh at his interjection. Forgetting everything else at the moment and allowing myself to be consumed by the happiness of being approached for a show in Broadway, I close my eyes and just smile. My dream is finally coming true and I don't want to let anything mar it when I'm sharing this moment with the most important person in my life.
"So, as you know Jose took me for lunch today, which got interrupted midway," he rolls his eyes but doesn't say anything so I continue, "We got bagged for a performance in Broadway!" Letting out a squeal in delight, I jump on his lap and hug tight. I don't think it could feel any better, but sharing this moment with Christian intensifies my happiness and excitement ten folds.
Christian remains silent and his heart is thumping so hard I can almost feel it. That just about dampens my excitement because what I was expecting was him standing with me in his arms and twirling me around in excitement.
He's not happy for me? Feeling my throat tighten, I blink rapidly to ease the sting in my eyes. Christian's hands drop from around me allowing me to watch his face. He looks forlorn. The person who should be on top of the world with me is just sitting there looking at me like he just got bitch slapped.
"Christian?" Due to the tightness in my throat, his name comes out more as a squeak. He looks at me dejected and broken.
Shifting on his lap, I cup his face, "Christian, why are you being like this? I thought you of all people would be the happiest that my dreams are finally coming true." A lone tear escapes and rolls down my cheek and disappears on my lips.
He gulps, his Adam's apple bobbling up and down, "You…" he's struggling to form words, "You're… you're leaving me?"
CHRISTIAN
No. No. No. No. No.
The word is screaming inside my head. Did I just hear her correctly? Broadway? New Fucking York? There's a storm brewing inside me and I can't breathe. She's leaving me? My heart is beating so fast that it's a miracle I've not gone into a cardiac arrest already.
She calls my name taking my face in her hands. Fuck, I've made her cry. You're such a fucking asshole. A selfish bastard. She probably expects me to be screaming from the roof of Escala that her dreams are coming true slowly.
"You… you're… you're leaving me?" Motherfucking asshole. You can't leave me please.
"What? No, Christian. I'm not leaving you. Is that what you're thinking?" Nodding at her once, I look down in shame not being able to look in those beautiful crystal blue eyes any longer. They're so sad.
"Please don't leave me." But what I really want to say is, I'll wither and die without you, but I keep my mouth shut.
And just like that again, this time as clear as day, I know. I know that I am in love with her. No matter how many times I deny or refuse to believe that I am capable of love, the truth is I am in love with Ana. I have always been in love with her. And it took me all this time to figure it out. I didn't understand until someone from the outside was trying to take her away from me. I always took her for granted and it clouded my feelings for her. The fear of losing her makes me realize that if she is not in my life, I have nothing to live for.
I love her. Tears brimming, I take her in my arms and hug her. Pulling her as close as I am allowed to but all I want to do it crush her so tight so that in the end we are one. I can't lose her. I can never lose her. She is everything.
"Christian, listen to me," she says sobbing, finally understanding why I cannot be happy about her leaving for New York. "I will never leave you. I promise. And there's still time, okay? I'm not going right away. And I'm not going away forever, Christian."
Not wanting to let her go, my head on the crook of her neck, I say, "It's the East Coast, Ana. It's too far away. I don't know how to live without you." It's the most sincere thing I've ever said. She nods understanding the pain. She understands that I have no one else but her.
"You'll always be my best friend, Christian. No matter where I am. You have two jets and we'll always fly to see each other whenever we can. FaceTime's also there." Best friend? My heart breaks and I swear I can ever hear it shatter. I don't want to be her best friend. It's not enough anymore. I want more.
Just say that you love her. I can't. She thinks of me as her best friend. Coward.
"I'm happy for you, Ana. I am, I promise. I know I'm being so selfish right now. But, you have to understand. I'm so proud of you, it's just…"
She cuts me off, "It's okay, Christian. I get it. I do. It's hard for me too. I'm used to being around you too. And I'm sorry for being selfish too. While I have been gloating about my dreams coming true, I didn't think about you." Wrapping her arms around my neck tightly, she straddles me.
Now that I realize that I am in love with her, straddling me does things to me. Fuck, I have to remove her before my dick starts poking her and the situation gets even worse. Lifting her from my lap, I place her beside me and tug her closer to me. My arms over her shoulders and she wraps her arms around my waist, keeping her head on my chest where my heart is.
We sit in silence, both of us not knowing what to say. Well, I know I want to tell I love her but since that is not an option, I keep quiet. She probably is keeping quiet not knowing what to say to ease my sadness. Even though it's going to hurt like fuck and all I want to do is cry like a bitch, I decide that I will not come between her and her dreams. Everyone needs a shot at fulfilling their dreams.
"Why can't life be easy?" She breaks the deafening silence.
I just shrug not knowing what to say to this.
Yeah, life's a bitch.
