Nine
oOo
She's so animated, so visibly delighted when allowed to talk like this... Even her glasses seem to shine a little with the sheer energy of her words, you think as you watch her lips move, considerable fascination mixed in with your disinterest in what she's actually saying. You know there was a time not long ago when your throat would have been prickling by now with words of your own, bursting to talk over her, to engage in some form of friendly—friendly, really?—rivalry with the only person you know who talks as much as you used to.
But this is now, and you are only half listening to Aranea Serket as she prattles on.
"...and really, it's been quite the challenge to find anyone even willing to hear me out when I mention wanting to take a different course of action, much lest assist me in my efforts, so I'm grateful that you think it worth your while..."
"Not at all", you say immediately. "If I could help, the pleasure is all mine. While I am not really willing to be of more active use to you in your... quest... I suppose lending you an ear is not entirely beyond my capability."
Her face falls only briefly as you tell her what she must have known from the start—that listening to her is about as far as you will go. But it's a hard fall.
"Are you certain of your decision, Kankri?" You fail to ignore the soft vexation in her voice and stifle a sigh.
"Yes, Aranea. If it makes you feel better, I am sorry. In any case I would surely be nothing short of useless to you in this sort of quest." I could hardly even make it through Sburb. We messed up so badly, all of us... How do I help you search for a cherub in the endless dream bubbles?
And you are not going to lie to yourself... Now that your own tongue has grown somewhat sedate, her incessant talking is nothing short of harsh on the ears. Of course, that makes me wonder what I must have been like back when I found nothing wrong with talking just as much as her, if not more, but...
But there's no need to think back on that.
That was...
Her mouth twitches irately. "It would be better than having no one at all." ...that was before Karkat.
"I know", you hear yourself say; is it in reply to Aranea or yourself? "But better doesn't always mean a happier ending." You are saved from having to explain what you meant—how could I, anyway?—by the shift of her eyes to something over your shoulder and a small smile.
Someone.
"Fancy seeing you around, Porrim!"
Oh, god...
There is no stopping the way your shoulders stiffen. Before you can decide which way to go, what to say, how to excuse yourself—because you know you cannot easily stand within five feet of Porrim at this moment—she's stepped around you with a rustle of her dress and a bounce of her hair. "Nice to see you too, Aranea. How have things been?
"Probably not as good as they could be", says Aranea with an exasperated glance at you; her voice has dropped, leaving it grittier and somehow less comfortable. It means nothing to you.
I stopped trying to keep track of her quadrants way back when we were still alive.
But, to your dismay, the thought that she might open up her pale quadrant just as easily as the other three does not fail to sting. And you curse yourself and try to be as quiet as possible when you say, "Hello, Porrim."
It's too late. It's already over. The five-second silence between your faces tinges you with red.
"How have you been, Kanny?" And the damage has been done; her voice flows, searing, from the curve of her lip ring to your clenched fists as they twitch at your sides. For once, you can see the end of this conversation only too well, and all you can do is pray that you will walk away before she does.
Kanny.
"Maybe I don't need to tell you."
oOo
By the time you see him, you have already heard him—his inelegant footfalls on dry twigs that snap underfoot with every breath you take. And you have long given up even attempting to hide the occasional shiver that traces your back. I'm not afraid of what he'll say.
I'm just
a fool.
You are hugging your knees to stay warm when he approaches you, but it only makes your bare arms that much more prominent. Were you really expecting him not to raise an eyebrow?
"What's with not wearing that infernal sweater today?" he asks the instant he's within earshot. You peep wretchedly up at him from behind the jumble of your hair, which is more tousled than usual. You had not thought to so much as run your fingers through it after pulling the turtleneck over your head.
"I thought I'd let you see what my long pants are really like", you say feebly, and your smile is not forced. The relief you feel on seeing Karkat is no longer the crashing liquid fatigue that you were once overwhelmed with, but you doubt his face will ever fail to send a little spark through your veins. "They're not as bad as you seemed to think. I don't know what Meenah told you about them, but..."
Already he's kneeling before you, head tilted, eyes boring into yours; thankful as you are for his gaze, it's hard not to let your heart sink.
"You gonna tell me the reason or not?"
"That really is the reason, though." Why am I doing this? "Look, they're so much nicer than people say... really comfortable, too. It just saves a lot of trouble when you have only one piece of clothing to worry about instead of two. I thought you'd—" Why am I doing this?
"Oh, for fuck's sake!"
Numb with hollow anger, the dull thud of your back hitting the tree behind you is more heard than felt. Your nerves seem to have gathered in your shoulders, where his hands pin you in place, and your face as it heats beneath his questioning glare. Beneath his face. To think... a face that looks so much like mine is the biggest change I have embraced in millennia.
Surely you feel as cold to him as he feels warm to you.
"Did someone take it from you? Was it stolen?"
"What?" you ask blankly. Is that what you're worrying about? Worrying? "No, it's nothing like that. I just decided not to wear it. I—got tired of wearing the same thing this whole time, to tell you the truth." Why am I doing this?
His hands remain firm on either shoulder. "I'm a lot of things, and stupid may be one of them, sure, but I'm touching you right now. Your skin is fucking freezing." Why do your eyes burn like this?
"I'm—I'm really not cold." And in that moment, you are not lying.
There is very little anger on his face, despite the glower, as he lowers his face until you are almost nose to nose and repeats—quietly this time—"Kankri, did someone take your sweater?"
"Why do you think I'm being targeted?" you find yourself asking, inexplicably scratched by his assumption. "I know they call me things and don't particularly enjoy my company, but they wouldn't stoop to outright bullying. I can't even begin to imagine how many triggers I would need to tag—but no, if you really must know, well... Porrim made the sweater for me, and I had to—return it to her for a while."
His expression speaks of unsettling skepticism. Your stomach grows a little colder. That wasn't a lie.
"She thought it was time she had it cleaned or something", you mutter. But this is.
Your skin is brimming with heat where he gripped your shoulders long after he's let you go. Long after he slumps wearily beside you, looking away at last, and sighs, "Apologize to Porrim."
"How'd you know?" you blurt out. Why am I doing this?
He snorts. "You're not much of a liar, but I'll admit I took a lucky guess. So is that what happened? You snapped at her and she got mad and demanded that you give back the sweater?"
Some of the tautness in your limbs dissipates. Maybe I'm not that transparent after all.
Maybe I can hide what's important for as long as I need to...
"Not quite", you mumble into your knees, trying your hardest to ignore the nauseating mix of relief and guilt that clouds your chest. "Well, you're close, but... she'd never have asked for the sweater. That was my fault. I'm an idiot."
A fool, to be precise.
"I'm just tired of her... I'm tired of everyone." You hope the pause is long enough that you sound offhand when you add, "Well, except you."
"No shit", he says dryly. "I'm not about to fucking knit you a new sweater though, you know. Are you planning to apologize to her or not?"
You shake your head, feeling glum. "Not anytime soon, I'm afraid. It's cold, but I suppose I deserve to freeze for a while. I don't know what I'd even say to her, we were both so angry..."
Oh, he's... he's looking at me again.
"Is it really that cold with the sweater off?" he asks at last, and his eyes are as warm as the rest of him.
There is nothing you can say except a glib "Not as much as you seem to think. I can manage, honestly. I just need to get used to it. I spent an awful lot of time without the sweater too, after all... it shouldn't be hard to return to that..."
You are cut off by an impatient shuffle, a scowl, and an arm around your shoulders. Then the beat of your heart drowns out what's left, and you let your head drop to your knees just in time to hide the dazed blush that's already simmering there.
But now you cannot see the look on his face when he snaps, "You spent an awful lot of time alone, too. Just because something's easy to get used to doesn't make it the best option."
I never did get used to being alone, but... I never was anything but alone until now. I'm not alone now, am I?
You do not ask him that.
"Are you going to make me apologize to her?" you whisper.
His sigh leaves a tepid breeze on your own arms. "If I could I probably would, but... It's not like I'm any better at apologizing to people. So I can't. Stay mad at her. Stay half-naked except for those stupid pants. But there's no point in sitting around shivering like a pants-shitting grub while you try to get your guts back into your food barrel."
It's hard not to lean into his touch. It really is.
"But I'll have to be cold again at some point, won't I...? You'll go back to your meteor and I'll have to—" I'll be back to waiting. I always come back to waiting. "I should try and get used to it."
"Actually, it's my dreamself here this time."
You look up sharply. Karkat's eyes are nowhere near yours. They stare listlessly at the stream as you try to think of something to say.
"There's no need to give me that look. You keep talking about how much everything sucks until I'm left wondering if there's anything left to suck out of the straw that happens to be the putrid asshole of this game. This way I don't really have to leave for quite a while—well, unless someone wakes me up, which I don't think is likely. ...I don't talk much to anyone on the meteor these days, you know."
I know. It's not just me who's been lonely, is it?
Maybe nothing needs to be said. He's warm and just as alone as you are and he feels delightful against you.
Even if it's just one more hour, two more hours...
When did I stop clinging to the change you brought and start clinging to you instead?
"What happens if I never talk to Porrim after this?" you laugh softly, quite unable to suppress the image of his arms fully around you again, keeping you warm forever. There is little surprise mixed with the savage comfort that the thought brings.
Karkat shrugs. "I'd probably get the sweater back for you."
I'm... "Am I that pitiable?" You do not sound resentful, but he gives you a quick look nonetheless. Still warm. Always warm.
Karkat...
"You're just as big a fool as I am", he mutters, and turns away again.
