Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, its characters or storyline. This story is mine, as is Project Stasis and the Alliance.
This was the most difficult chapter to write in this entire story so far. It look longer than I thought to pull together; so much I wanted to include but due to plot constraints I had to be careful what I slipped in this chapter.
As always, constructive criticism and feedback are welcome and appreciated!
..:-X-:..
Chapter Nine: Undone
The apartment was empty, as was Tifa's office, and eventually Leon found her at the new house in the recently-completed residential district. The front door was wide open. The interior of the house was naked. No furniture. No wall hangings or even curtains. A light sheen of dust covered the floor since the house wasn't lived in yet. There were only a few boxes and crates that they had moved from the apartment.
Between Stasis and working with the Alliance and everything else, moving in had been a slow process. Now it had halted for the time being.
Leon stepped through the front door. To the right was the living room. To the left was the kitchen and dining room. A vacant study room beyond the living room. Stairs straight ahead, leading up to the second floor. A bathroom between the dining room and the study. Two bedrooms on the second floor, and another bathroom. None of them were furnished, but he and Tifa had labeled the rooms weeks ago in their heads.
The emptiness of the house was suffocating, and he stepped deeper into the house, following the disturbance in the dust until he spotted her.
Tifa was standing in the study, facing the only window. Her back was turned toward him, but her arms were folded and Leon could tell she was biting her fingernail. She only did that when she was deep in thought. She had to know he was here; footsteps always echoed in an empty house. He remained where he was in the doorway to the study.
"You knew."
Those two words barreled across the gap between them like a laser.
The silence that followed fell like an iron curtain.
Even though he could take two steps and be within arms' reach of her, it felt like she was a hundred miles away. He had no idea what she was thinking, what she was feeling, what she was doing here. He felt like he had known her so well all this time, but suddenly…she might as well have been a stranger. And that made him feel as hollow as this house.
"I'm not sorry." Her reply was soft, quiet.
Leon stood there, staring at the back of her head. "You're not sorry for lying to me…for three months…"
"I'm sorry that I lied to you." She half turned to look at him. "But I'm not sorry for what the lie was about."
Any kind of calm that Leon had regained since talking to Cloud began to boil over.
"You knew that Rinoa was alive. That she was out there. And after everything I went through trying to find her…You let me live in that lie." He said lowly.
Tifa faced him completely now, a mix of anguish and anger simmering in her eyes. "What would you have done if I had told you?" Her arms were stiff at her sides. "You had let her go. You had moved on. With me or without me, you were getting better."
"That wasn't your call to make." He growled.
"Was it?" Her voice kicked up a notch, cracking slightly. "I've heard what you were like before; when you were searching for her. Days gone without sleeping, without eating, without speaking to another human being. You were living on hate and desperation and slaughtering every Heartless that you came across."
"Don't—" He lifted a hand. "Don't talk to me about the darkness of the search…You HEARD what I was like? I SAW you when you were chasing after Cloud."
"It's not the same—"
"It's exactly the same." He gritted his teeth.
"I knew Cloud was alive." Tifa replied, her face taut. "I just wanted to help him. I wanted him to know that he wasn't alone. That there was light to balance the darkness. You didn't know if Rinoa had survived and the guilt was eating you alive."
Leon glanced away from her and then back. "You had no right to know about Rinoa and not tell me."
"I was trying to protect—"
"Protect me?" He snapped. "I didn't ask for your protection! And Rinoa came back anyway. Don't you think a little heads up would have softened the blow? I don't need protection."
"Yes you do." Tifa snarled back. "You are not this big, bad, invincible man, Leon. I know that you want to be, but you're human. And humans get hurt. I didn't want you to get hurt."
Leon grimaced and his shoulders deflated. "Then why…" He cleared his throat, "Why did you do this?"
Why are you hurting me like this?
"I was scared." Tifa spat out in confession. "I was scared that if you knew Rinoa was alive, that you would leave. And after everything we had gone through together…I couldn't bear the thought of that."
Leon stopped and stared at her. "Instead, you never gave me the opportunity to not leave. You assumed that I would drop everything for the obsession, that I was like Cloud."
"You're not like Cloud…" She exhaled. "Can you blame me for taking precaution? He dropped everything to hunt down Sephiroth. He avoided me for months when all I wanted was to help. He didn't trust me, but he trusted Aerith. That hurt." Her shoulders trembled. "I know it was selfish, but I just couldn't do it again."
Tifa was just as damaged as he was. Leon had known that very soon after meeting her for the first time. They both had their own emotional baggage weighing them down. That was why it had been so easy to fall for her. Deep down, they were the same. Innocence bludgeoned, jaded, and unwilling to get close to anyone again for fear of the same abuse.
He could understand the selfishness. He wasn't guiltless in the selfish department. But the extent…the lying and the manipulation…He didn't understand that.
"I never left." He said, and it came out in a low rumble. "I have never left you."
She swallowed once, "You left last night."
Leon straightened, "Don't you…dare…"
She squared her shoulders at him. "I wanted to get this all out in the open yesterday, and you left me."
"I've BEEN HERE!" He abruptly yelled.
Tifa narrowed her eyes but didn't say anything.
"I was here," Leon snapped, "Through Stasis…When we were trapped in that simulation and…you thought Cloud was dead…that everyone was dead…through the bombings and the massacres and the fires…I was here! You left in Stasis. Not me."
She started to interrupt, but he talked over her.
"I've been here through the nightmares, the near-death experiences, the mental breakdowns, the trauma. All the ugly and all the fear…I was here. So don't you DARE act like I ran out on you." He pointed at her. "And I wouldn't have left for Rinoa."
"Yeah?" She straightened, "This entire week, where have you been? Catching up with Rinoa, talking to her, when we both know that she is still in love with you!"
"I don't love her!" Leon roared, "I'm in love with you, you dumbass, and you won't let me love you."
Tifa looked pained. "Why are you doing this now? You've had all week to tell me this."
Leon nearly screamed in frustration, and ended up just gawking at her. He had just told her…just bellowed at her what he was feeling. Leon, commander of the Alliance, pillar of the Restoration Committee, killer of Heartless, had just spilled his guts to her willingly and she was hardly acknowledging that at all?
"It's never enough for you." He exhaled. "I'm never enough for you—"
"That's not what this is about—"
"Isn't it?" He wheezed, straightening. "First you were chasing Cloud. Then Stasis got in the way. Then we woke up and it was all made up. Now you're dealing with Hades? It's like you're trying to find ways to make this more difficult than it is."
Tifa swallowed hard. "I'm not."
He felt deflated. "Then what are you doing? Here? What do you want?"
"I want you." She said breathlessly. "I want a life in this house. With you. I want to push all of this behind us and move on…but I don't know how. Every time I try, I just make it worse."
Leon wrestled with himself. Her words threatened to douse the fire in his stomach, but something worse was burning through his mind now. Tifa was used to wanting what she couldn't have. To having to fight tooth and nail to get what she needed, never mind what she wanted. Her norm was avoidance, rejection, and competition. That was her baggage, her burden.
Unfortunately, part of his burden was trust issues, and she had just mottled it. Every time he got close to someone, they were taken away. Either because of the Heartless or because of their own doing. He had convinced himself that he was just better off alone, better off not trusting anyone. But then he had trusted someone, for the first time in a long time, and this had happened.
"I want that too…" He said quietly, eying her. "But I want that with someone I can trust."
"Leon—" She choked.
"And I can't trust you."
"Don't do this—" Tears made her eyes glint.
Leon looked away from her, unable to stand the agony on her face. It felt like he had swallowed lye. He wanted to go back in time and un-know what she had done. Ignorance was never bliss, but it would be preferable to this monster eating away at his soul. Tifa had been the only person he trusted for those four years in Stasis, and when they escaped that virtual reality, she had been the only one who could understand what it had been like.
But she had lied. It had all been a lie. What else had she lied about? He didn't want this. He didn't want to not trust her. It was like part of him had just been amputated. She had taken the time and the patience to tolerate his inability to open up. She had dragged him kicking and screaming back to the land of the living and the healthy. Coaxed him out of the angst and the guilt and the nightmares.
Only to lie to him now and destroy all of that?
Why?
"Please…just wait." She lifted one hand. "Let's take some time, give each other space…before we both do something we're going to regret."
Leon paused, staring at the lower part of the wall. "Space."
Tifa breathed carefully. "I know that you're angry right now. I want—We can fix this. Tell me that we can fix this."
He didn't respond for a long moment. Tifa was about to get much more space than she bargained for. The letter in his jacket pocket was burning a hole in his shirt. Two months…He winced and looked at her.
She stared back, looking angry and scared and desperate all in one expression. Last night she had just been upset about him leaving. Today she was upset and furious that…that what? He couldn't even read her anymore.
He didn't know if they could fix this.
"I've been selected to command a platoon," He finally said, pulling out the letter. "in the first war campaign on World MX9."
He had read the letter twice fully while he had been trying to track Tifa down. The facts and the details were seared into his brain.
"The ships leave in three days." He said flatly. "Two months isolated on MX9. The Alliance devised a way to temporarily lower the world's impassable walls, to let the Allied squads in, and then reseal the world to prevent more Heartless from invading."
Tifa was slowly paling. "Two months."
"It's a non-optional post." He said. "Is that enough space?" It came out with bite.
She inhaled, her eyes narrowing. "How are we supposed to work through this if you're gone for two months?"
"Do you want to work through this?" He said quietly.
"How many times do I have to tell you that I love you before you believe it?" She barked.
"About as many times as I have to before you hear it!" He snapped back.
Tifa looked for a moment like she might take a wild swing at him, but her fists stayed at her sides. "Then I'm going to MX9 too."
"No." He lifted a hand.
"Leon, what do you want?" She threw up her arms. "You want to talk, we're talking, but now you're being whisked away? How can I earn your forgiveness, or at least be around you to work through this if you're gone?"
He took a step toward her. "Maybe I don't want to forgive you or be around you right now."
She took a dangerous step closer. "Look me in the eye and tell me that's what you want."
"I want to trust you." He bit back.
"Then trust me." She hunched her shoulders.
"You lied to me. I can't trust you."
They glared daggers at each other.
"This is our house." She muttered. "This is our life. You're stuck with me. I'm not letting you go that easily. Be pissed at me all you want, but if you think that this is how it ends, then you are gravely mistaken." She said angrily. "I gave up on Cloud. I'm not giving up on you."
Leon bristled and stared her down.
He was stubborn; he knew that. He also knew that once Tifa put her mind to something, she would make it happen. Between both of their thick skulls, this would either work for them or against them. They would either battle it out and repair the damage, or that same force of will was going to drive that wedge deeper until it tore them apart. And he already felt like he was coming apart at the seams.
"I never said it was ending. But you got the 'pissed at you' part right." He growled.
Tifa ran a hand through her hair. "You can really be an ass."
He folded his arms. "And you're full of shit."
She made a low noise of anger, turning away from him.
"Like you have a right to be angry." He took a step closer to her. "You're the one who lied, and then lied about why you were lying. I'm just trying to—"
Tifa turned back and abruptly slapped him. It stung and took him off guard. He took the slap and then glared at her. She breathed heavily once, and then suddenly closed the gap between them and pushed her lips against his.
..:-X-:..
She was so tired of being angry.
The anger that had moved into her stomach and grown like a cancer through her entire body; it was like constantly being cooked from the inside out and she felt like if she didn't do something besides fume soon, she would explode.
The anger escaped in that open palm slap, and the sheer relief of releasing some of that pent up frustration crashed over her. But so did regret: another emotion she was getting sick of. Leon had never raised a hand to her in anger…ever…and now she'd slapped him, and when she was the one in the wrong too.
And everybody thought that Leon was the messed up one in this relationship.
The thoughts crashed over her in that second after the slap. The way he just took the blow had stabbed at her like a knife, as had the subsequent glare. And he looked so furious and hurt and confused that her body ordered her to kiss him before her brain could catch up.
Then he returned the kiss and she stopped thinking at all.
It was an aggressive kiss and she grabbed his arms, neither pushing him away nor pulling him closer. Just feeling the coiled muscle of his shoulders. Leon leaned into her, his hands moving up her back. She bit his lower lip lightly, sliding her fingers under the front of his jacket.
He rolled his shoulders, working with her hands to shrug out of the jacket. It fell to the floor and then he had deftly unzipped the front of her vest, his lips working their way down her jawline and over her throat. She exhaled at the warmth of his mouth and peeled off the vest, fighting out of the restricting material and dropping it to the floor, leaving her in the tank top.
Her center of gravity began to shift backwards and she stepped back to keep her balance. Leon followed and her back hit the wall after two more reverse steps. She grunted slightly at the abrupt stop, and it seemed to echo in the empty study room. Leon looked at her briefly and she stared back, grasping the bottom of her white tank top and pulling it upward. The shirt rolled over her head and she wrestled out of it.
Once it was clear of her shoulders, he tugged it off of her arms impatiently. Slightly breathless, she gripped the bottom of his white T-shirt, lifting it. Leon released her upper body just long enough to lift his arms and let her pull the shirt off of him.
Oh, that was much better. She ran her hands across his chest as he kissed her mouth again. His skin was warm and familiar. Fighting wasn't something they knew how to work through sometimes, but this…they were good at this.
The tail material of her shorts unlatched and he made quick work of her belt, working the clothing over her hips and down her thighs. Calloused hands that killed Heartless turned to feather light touches as his fingertips trailed back up her thighs, across her smooth stomach, and up to her breasts.
A sigh escaped her and then it was her turn. While her lips traced the scars lining his chest from years of battle, her hands fought with the four belts he insisted on wearing. Her conspiracy theory was that it made it harder for her to get them off of him, driving her crazy. Well, it was working.
Leon continued to knead her breasts, his breath hot on her neck as she finally cracked the code and the belts came loose. With a triumphant inhale, she pushed her hair out of her face and kissed under his jaw, behind his ear, and then his shoulder. One hand lingered at the rim of his pants.
"Get these off." She murmured, kicking off her shoes.
As much as she knew it would turn him on if she wrestled his pants off like he'd done with hers, she didn't have the patience to wrestle with the leather at the moment. Clearly he didn't have the patience for it either, as he quickly dispatched with them and his boots.
Tifa pressed up against him, lifting one leg to hook her knee at his hip. He took the cue and pushed her against the wall, bracing her there as she lifted her other leg, both ankles around his waist now as he held her up against the wall.
She grabbed his shoulders to steady herself and a rueful laugh escaped her as one of his hands ran up her thigh, tightening around her backside. Her skin tingled and she involuntarily rocked once against him, leaning her weight forward against his chest. He put his face against her neck for a moment before moving her away from the wall.
Then they were both on the floor.
Her bare back touched the cool wooden floor and she shuddered at the initial contact, loosening her knees from his waist and easing her hips to the floor. As she reclined, Leon traced his lips up her ribs, the underside of one breast, across her collarbone, and finally to her mouth. Tifa wound one hand in his hair, holding him in place as she kissed him back. He moved on top of her, staying between her legs as their lips locked together.
One of his hands slid under her back, unclasping her bra. It came away easily, giving him unhindered access now. She roamed her hands across his upper body, her fingertips following the uneven lines of the scars over his back. She knew each and every one of these scars, just like he knew all of her scars and imperfections.
But today wasn't the day for the scenic route across his body. He was still pissed at her, and she wasn't exactly happy with their fighting either. There would be no foreplay today. She had to make it up to him. Three days followed by two months would only drive the wedge deeper between them.
With this in mind, she worked her hand down his torso and slipped it under the waistband of his boxers. She quickly found what she was looking for and wrapped her hand around it. Leon involuntarily flinched, looking at her eyes. They normally took their time, but then again they weren't normally steered by pent up anger at each other. He didn't stop her.
As she began to stroke her fingers along his length, he hovered over her, letting her take control for the time being. Her ministrations soon had the desired effect and she withdrew her hand. He leaned against her as she stopped and then kissed her hungrily.
"Guh, why do you do this to me?" He growled into her mouth.
Instead of replying, she just looked up at his eyes, laying her palm slowly against his jaw. She tapped her thumb against his cheek bone twice and brushed his hair away from his face. Maybe she was still losing him. Maybe there was such a thing as fighting too hard to keep what you had. Maybe she had done this to herself.
But right now, he was still here, and she was still here, and there was absolutely nothing keeping them apart…physically anyway. They could deal with the emotional turmoil later.
He tilted his head against her hand, turning his face into her fingers and kissing her palm. The tenderness of the touch made her belly flutter. She traced one finger over his eyebrow, following the straight line scar that ran from his forehead, between his eyes, and to the side of his nose. He shifted back slightly and she let go.
Tifa lay still as Leon drew one hand down her neck, between her breasts, delicately over her ribs and hipbone. Gentle but also impatient. He hooked two fingers under the band of her panties and she lifted her hips, making it easier for him to tug the material away before quickly discarding his own boxers.
When he pushed into her, she arched her back slightly, a soft gasp escaping her. She shifted, running her hands under his arms and over his shoulders as she adjusted to him. Sensing that she was ready, he rocked once against her and she moaned.
The anger and the frustration that had driven them to this point melted away, replaced by a hunger and a desperation that they were both familiar with. They established a comfortable rhythm and moved together in tandem. He forced her arms up above her head and she pushed her chest against him as he thrust into her. A choking groan echoed in the empty room.
Their movements became heated and more erratic, and soon sweat had broken out over both of their bodies, glistening slightly in the sunlight coming through the sole window. Leon lowered his face to her neck as they moved, making a low noise in his throat as his breath rolled across her bare skin.
Tifa lost track of time, her eyes closing as she rocked against him, with him. She dragged her fingers through the grooves and dips of his back, over the sloping muscles over his shoulders. They moved together, both panting with the effort and the pressure. The friction between them was pushing her to her breaking point, and she could feel him beginning to tremble with the exertion as well.
Breathing through a moan, she lifted up slightly, kissing his neck and pushing her shoulder gently against him. He released her wrists and looked down at her. She pushed again and he put up little struggle. He rolled onto his back, taking her with him. Tifa braced her knees on either side of his hips, her hair spilling over her shoulders as she began to ride him.
She leaned over him as she moved and his hands spread wide across her back, pulling her down into another kiss. She braced one hand on the floor by his head, breaking the kiss with a gasp. Her brows knit together as she felt herself reaching her limit. He groaned against her and a shudder ran down his body. She covered his mouth with hers, swallowing his voice as he hit his climax.
Seconds later, she cried out as her own orgasm rolled through her core, sending waves of ecstasy rocketing up and down her spine, turning her limbs to jelly. Her body involuntarily continued to move against him, working their way out of the rhythm as the denouement. Completely spent, she collapsed on top of him. She could feel his heart beating rapidly as his chest heaved for breath. A smile crept over her mouth and she pressed her lips to his collar bone, again softly to his shoulder, before rolling off of him.
His arm moved with her to the floor and she pillowed her head on it, looking at his face and trying to figure out what he was thinking. His neck and forehead had a sheen of perspiration to them, but his eyes were brighter than she'd seen them in a while. Leon was a beautiful man, and he was all hers…if only she knew how to make a relationship, a real relationship, work.
For a few minutes, neither of them said anything.
The wooden floor was warm from the contact with their bodies, and her skin stuck to it as she looked up at the ceiling fan above them. The early afternoon sunlight was pouring in, casting rectangular shadows across the ceiling and the walls. The walls needed painting still. They were still that neutral off-white color. A blank slate. The new residential district was an entire clean slate for the inhabitants of Radiant Garden. A chance for everyone to put the past behind them, to leave their nightmares behind them, and to begin anew, with something completely fresh.
This house was her and Leon's clean slate. The war, the bloodshed, the lies, the anger, the hurt: this was a sanctuary from that, from reality. She always found a calm whenever she came to the house. It was a place to look to the future, not dwell on the past. Here, now, feeling the air move over her naked skin and listening to Leon breathing beside her, Tifa felt like balance had been restored. Nothing had been resolved, but she had looked over the ledge and come back alive. They could fix this.
"Not exactly how I was thinking we would christen the house." She murmured after a moment with a small smile.
Leon snorted at that, chuckling lightly before lifting a hand to rub his eyes. He turned his head and looked in her eyes. Tifa looked back, feeling like they were in a safe bubble. The big bad real world couldn't get them in this room. But they couldn't stay here. It was never that easy. As though he was thinking the same thing, his lips flattened and he grew serious.
He sat up and she moved away so that he could get up. She ran her hands through her hair a few times, just for something to do with her hands while he got dressed. Three days. It wasn't long enough. It wasn't nearly long enough. And then two months was far too long. Helplessness began to creep up on her again and she averted her eyes, pulling her clothes back on as well. She and Leon were like halves of the same whole, and it had taken them both too long to see it. It had happened so slowly. Accidentally meeting…bumping into each other around Radiant Garden…working patrols together…becoming friends…becoming…more…moving into an apartment…surviving Stasis…surviving post-Stasis…buying a house…So gradual and yet still so messy and complicated. But it was a complicated that had kept her alive.
"Marry me."
The words blurted out of her before her brain even realized what it was processing. Her joints locked up as soon as she registered that she'd said it aloud, and she stared at the floor. Leon stilled across the room, clasping his belt back on, staring at her. Tifa inhaled slowly, looking over at him and swallowing hard.
"Marry me." She said it this time in full control, but with a tremble.
A pause passed as they both stood there, facing each other.
"Tifa…" His tone was ambiguous, but his expression was startled.
"I need you." Her voice cracked and she swallowed again. "You're my oxygen."
Leon stared at her with a look that she couldn't decipher, and started to speak but his cell phone rang shrilly, cutting him off before he could say anything. He automatically reached for it, but his eyes stayed on her as he pulled the phone up before glancing at the caller ID.
"Nestor…the debriefing for the campaign." He said flatly.
She folded her arms slowly, shoulders tucking toward herself and feeling vulnerable now that the question was out there, hanging between them like a gaudy chandelier. He looked apologetic and flipped the phone open, lifting it to his ear.
"What…Yes…I'll be there shortly…I know." He rubbed his forehead.
The voice on the phone, Nestor, was still talking when Leon hung up the phone and slid it into his pocket. He looked over to Tifa again and she knew the pin had found their safety bubble.
"They're meeting in fifteen minutes." He said quietly.
She exhaled carefully, "Leon—"
She couldn't go to MX9—to Jamestown—with him. This was a large operation. They needed all hands on deck to secure the other world, but they also needed enough military power to maintain protection over Radiant Garden. If Leon was going, and with Cloud and Yuffie on active missions constantly to the other worlds, the Alliance would never allow Tifa to leave the bulk of Restoration Committee work to only Cid and Merlin. It was only logic.
At this point though, she was tempted to throw logic out the window. Hell, she had already done that when she asked Leon to marry her.
He stood by the door, ready to go and silently inviting her to come along. Tifa ran a hand through her hair again, glanced around to make sure she hadn't left anything behind, and then stepped out of the room after him.
They left the house, locking the door behind them, and the cool air of Radiant Garden reminded Tifa that reality was right there, ready to shove them both back to the ground whenever the cosmos felt like it. Leon hadn't answered her. She stopped walking, standing on the sidewalk. Leon took half a step before he realized that she wasn't walking with him and stopped, turning to look at her. She lifted her downcast eyes to his face, suddenly uncertain again. Five meters ago she had been so sure. But out here, on the sidewalk, outside, she didn't know.
It was a question thrown out after a heated argument and angry sex. Impulsive. Not thought out. She didn't regret asking, but she was feeling less and less confident by the second.
As if reading the uncertainty in her eyes, Leon returned to her side and touched her shoulder, placing a kiss against her forehead. She closed her eyes and breathed in the smell of leather and gunpowder that always followed him around.
"It's supposed to be my job to ask that." He murmured into her hair.
"Sorry." She whispered, feeling the gravity of her words. "I'm so sorry." For everything.
He held her close for another moment before releasing her and stepping back. He grimaced for just a moment, blinking a few times and swallowing hard before looking at her again carefully. She nodded and held her arms about herself. He had to leave. She had to stay.
So he returned to the headquarter building, and she walked home. Apart.
..:-X-:..
A/N: (head/desk/head/desk/head/desk) Gah! Leon! (fetal position) Normally writing Leon's character comes pretty naturally to me, and I've yet to hear of him being OC in my previous works...but the dude would not cooperate with me this chapter! Especially that scene at the end...then again, let's consider how he might really react if a woman beat him to the punchline of a proposal...Argh, still...dissatisfied author is dissatisfied...
I wish I had a couch to murder...
Anyway, next chapter will be damage control and the wrap-up chapter for the first arc of this story. Chapter eleven will start the second arc. This is a good time to point out that I do read, adore, and respond to every review that my works receive. This story in particular is very feedback-sensitive because it is the ultimate climax of my Lefa stories. I won't hound you for reviews, just know that I am grateful for all feedback.
For those loyal readers and reviewers, thank you so much for sticking with this story! I really appreciate your comments!
