Extra Pale

AN: I just want to thank everybody for the great reviews! I'm really glad you like this story. It started out as kind of a half idea where I wanted to write something about AIDS but didn't have any actual plot in mind. But I like where its going and I hope you do too. So keep reviewing and I'll keep writing!

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Carter hung up the phone and gently knocked his head against the wall behind him. His father was furious. His mother had taken it upon herself to tell the man and now he was convinced that his son was either gay or back on drugs. He'd once again disowned him. Not that it mattered. The Carter family had never accepted his lifestyle choices. As far as he was concerned, his only ties to the family had died with his grandparents.

It also appeared that Barbara knew now too. But he wasn't planning on explaining anything to her anytime soon either. She hadn't bothered to speak to him in years. When he was stabbed none of them had been by his side. In a way, it was the same thing. He wasn't sure how they expected to be there for him this time around either. The Carter's didn't deal with the sick or the dying. It was to messy, to risky to get involved. It had been that way ever since Bobby died. Carter was sure it wouldn't change because of his recent predicament.

He stood and made his way into the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and searched its contents half-heartedly. It looked like the maid hadn't bothered to go shopping this week. There was a carton of milk, a pack of old bologna, and some eggs. He sighed and closed the door. He began to turn around, but changed his mind and reached for the freezer.

Inside were a number of frozen dinners. He looked over his choices: macaroni and cheese, chicken strips, tuna casserole, or a rather unappetizing looking meatloaf dinner. He picked up the macaroni and cheese and closed the freezer door.

Carelessly reading the directions on the side panel, he tossed the plastic tray into the microwave and set it for four minutes. He then leaned back against the table and watched as the tray moved around and around in circles to the beat of the humming of the oven. He took a deep breath and began coughing. He still wasn't completely better, but had insisted on being released. His stubborn streak did come in handy sometimes and Luka and Susan had no choice but to let him go.

Just as he was becoming hypnotized by the sound and sight of the microwave, an alarm sounded. He looked down at his watch and pushed the correct buttons to shut it off. Chewing his lip in a silent frustration, Carter headed for the counter top. There, lined up against the wall, were several pill bottles. All had his name on the label, and all were part of the infamous triple cocktail.

He casually opened each container and shook out one pill each. He the examined the handful of medicine in his palm. He became transfixed in the patterns etched on each individual tablet. The smooth curves and various colors seemed to put him in a trance. He quickly snapped out of it though, and filled himself a glass of water. He popped two pills at a time into his mouth and swallowed them without difficulty.

His goal was to swallow the whole handful at once by the end of the month.

He laughed at the ridiculous image that came to mind. Sure it was childish, but it was something to shoot for. It was a goal he could possibly accomplish before he died.

Or not. He decided he'd have to ask around and see if it was physically possibly before getting his hopes up.

He glanced back at his dinner, thawing in the microwave. He had a few minutes. Maybe he could make a quick call.

He went back into the dining room and picked up the phone. He dialed information and waited for the operator to pick up.

"Can I help you?" The operator asked.
"Yes, I need to know the number of a Ms. Elaine Nichols please."
"Hold one moment sir." Carter toyed with the phone cord nervously as he waited. Finally, the operator came back.
"I'm sorry sir, there is no listing for a Ms. Nichols."
"Are you sure?" He asked curiously.
"Yes sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?" She asked. Carter chewed his lip.
"Uh, no thank you." He hung up and stared at the opposite wall.

Last he'd heard Elaine had moved back to Chicago. Sure, they hadn't talked or seen each other in a year, but she hadn't mentioned any plans to move. This was not good at all.

He shook it off and remembered the list. He stood and approached the hall closet. He opened it up and rummaged through his coat pockets until he found the crumpled piece of paper. He unfolded it and laid it out on a nearby table. With his pen, he crossed off all but two names. There was Elaine's, and then there was one more.

Carol Hathoway.

He picked up the phone and dialed the Seattle number. The phone was picked up on the first ring.

"Hello." It was Doug.
"Hey Doug, its Carter."
"Hey Carter, how are things in Chicago?" Doug seemed cheery today.
"Uh, not too bad. How are you and Carol doing?"
"Great." He said without hesitation. "We just got back from getting the twins hair cut actually."
"Oh." Carter smiled at the image. "I bet that was an adventure." Doug laughed.
"That it was. Tess takes after her father, that's for sure. She bit the barber twice." Carter laughed despite himself. "Sounds like you alright Doug. Hey is Carol around?"
"Yea Carter she's right here." He heard Doug telling Carol who was on the phone. "Here ya go Carter. Take care alright?"
"You too Doug. Bye." With that the phone was exchanged and he heard the muffled cries of the twins in the background.
"Hey Carter!" Carol's voice came on the line.
"Hey Carol. How are things?" He asked casually. He'd work his way up to the bad news.
"Things are pretty good here. How are things there?"
"Uh, just like they always are I guess. County's the same as always." He commented. They always liked to talk about the old days at County General, when Carter was just a med student. Things had been so different back then.
"So not too good huh?" Carol joked. Carter laughed. "So how are you Carter? I haven't talked to you in a while."
"Uh, actually..." He trailed off, unsure of what to say next.
"What is it Carter? Is something wrong?" There was a loud crash and he heard Carol scolding Kate. A minute later she got back on the line. "I'm sorry Carter, Kate's just not behaving today."
"Taking after her sister huh?"
"Unfortunately yes." Carol replied lightly. "They are identical twins, I guess I should have expected it." There was another lengthy pause where Carter thought of how to say what he had to say. "Carter, is something going on?" Carol finally spoke up. "You don't seem like yourself."
"Um, yea something is going on actually. I got some bad news last week."
"Oh..." Carol replied, truly sympathetic.
"Yea, um, the thing is back when I was on drugs I did a lot of stupid things. You know that though." Carter explained.
"Did Kerry say something Carter? She's not threatening your job is she?" Carol asked, her voice suddenly aggressive.
"What? Oh no, no Kerry has nothing to do with this. I, um, I've been sick lately and just to be certain I took an HIV test." He paused and waited for any sign that Carol was still there. She made an affirming sound and he continued. "It was positive for AIDS."

The next few moments were filled with muffled sniffs and gasps. Finally, Carol came back on in a voice thick with tears.
"Are you sure? I mean, did you take another test? Maybe the results got mixed up."
"No, no I'm sure. It's AIDS." He paused and heard her holding back tears. "I'm sorry to tell you like this Carol, its just that you've been a good friend to me and I wanted you to be one of the first to know."
"Oh God, Carter." She seemed to have control of herself now. "I'm sorry. Are you ok? I mean, are you taking the cocktail?" In the background he heard Doug questioning Carol.
"Yea, I started right when I found out. I'm ok right now. I will be ok for awhile so don't worry about me. I just, I just didn't want you to be surprised." He listened to the muffled conversation between Doug and Carol. Finally, Doug came on the other line.

"Carter? What's going on? Carol's crying and she won't tell me why."
"Doug, hang up the phone..." Carol began.
"No, Carol it's ok. I, um, was just telling Carol that, uh, I'm dying."
"What? Carter what are you talking about?" Doug asked.
"Doug please..." Carol interrupted.
"I, oh God, I'm sorry for having to tell you this way. I really am, I didn't mean to..."
"Carter just tell me what's going on." Doug said.
"I have AIDS. And yes I'm sure it's AIDS." He answered. Doug was silent and he heard sniffling coming from Carol.
"Carter, I'm sorry. I mean, is there anything we can do?" Doug asked.
"Just don't worry about me ok? I'm fine. I just thought I owed you guys enough to let you know what was going on. I didn't mean to disrupt your lives, every thing is going so well for you and that's great because I'm really happy for you." He was close to tears, but pushed them back. "Anyway, that's all I needed to say. I'll be in touch."

He hung up the phone and squeezed his eyes until the tears could no longer fit through the tiny slits in his eyelids. He took a much needed breath and walked back into the kitchen. He stopped to lean on the counter for a moment and take in all that had just happened.

He wished he hadn't said anything to them. They were so happy. They deserved their happiness.

Shaking the thoughts out of his head, he opened the microwave and picked up his macaroni and cheese dinner. He tore the plastic cover off and sat down at the table with a fork and napkin.
Staring at the bubbling cheese and the rigid noodles he began to reflect on the past week. He realized that this was it. It was not going to get any better then this. It could only get worse.

Hand over his mouth, Carter jumped up from the table and raced to the bathroom.


TBC

AN#2: FYI- In this fic Carter's grandmother (Gamma) is dead.