Chapter 9
As the sunset slowly went to sleep, the cemetery was quiet at this time of the day. Green leaves were tainted of orange and red, and every little memorial stones turned a crimson red. Just as blood tainted their life as shinobi, Mizuki felt it was just like his memories of this night, so many years ago.
When the village, set aflame, his parents dying against an enormous orange fox, everything was covered in blood. Chaos and pain was everywhere, marking everyone, even the most courageous of them. He had felt it, the chaos and the anger at the time. He knew, he understood. But so many did not, and so many did as if they were.
He knew he was not alone grieving from the loss, but he barely thought that anyone would understand the pain he bore. Gently squeezing the calloused hand he hold, he looked at his boyfriend tentatively. For once, he felt that he had found someone who understood. Well, he hoped so.
Somewhere in a part of his mind, something told Mizuki he was wrong. He already knew that it was not truly working between them; the long silence that followed his talk showed how much they were apart, even if they were alike.
"So, this is it. This is where my parents rest," he calmly said, brushing some hair behind his ears. Iruka stared at the epitaph intently, not saying a word. "I know that you've lost your parents, and I want you to know that I understand, 'Ruka."
The ponytail haired chuunin looked taken aback for the moment, before he looked at the ground. "Thank you, 'Zuki," simply answered Iruka, smiling sadly.
Mizuki frowned slightly. He had thought another scenario, one where there would be sharing. Because a talking Iruka would be a progression in their relationship. "Hum, do you want to talk about it?" he asked cautiously. "I mean, I talked about my family to you..."
But nothing came, only an hesitant look, brown eyes finally looking away. "I don't feel like it. I mean, it's over, it's in the past, I don't need to talk about it anymore. It's done, already." And it was true. He had talk about it over and over again with Sandaime and with Kouta-sensei.
Mizuki's brow furrowed, and he sighed, finding everything more interesting than the dolphin reactions. "Okay, then. If you say so..." As he started to walk away, a hand gripped his shoulder. He shrugged it off, "Look, we should go. It's getting cold."
It was always like that, no talking done. It frustrated him to no end, always feeling that there was not any sharing done from his man, that it was only one-sided. It was. He kicked a rock that dared being in his way.
Iruka scratched his scar, knowing that by Mizuki's slouched shoulders he had hurt him. "I'm sorry, 'Zuki. Please, understand, I don't wish to talk about it."
The white haired man turned around suddenly, his fists clenched. "You're always sorry, Iruka!" The tanned man flinched at the accusative tone. "You never tell me a thing, never give me a cue about your life, of who you are!"
Iruka brows furrowed, something settling in his stomach that he did not like. "That's not true! I talk, I tell you what I like and what I don't!"
"Oh c'mon! Really? I came here to talk to you about my parents, but you share nothing of yours!" he shouted. "We kiss, but each time when we finally get things on, you back out, without telling me why!"
The dolphin stiffened, his voice barely a whisper, his teeth clenched shut, "You don't need to know why... You just need to be there for me."
Green eyes softened, the stance relaxed visibly. Hiding his face behind one hand, Mizuki grunted desperately. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. I didn't mean to tell you this shit!" He paced for a moment, gathering his mind going wild. He hated his easy temper, something he shared again with Iruka. "Look, I thought about this for a while now," Iruka looked up at him, his chocolate brown eyes pleading silently, "and it seems to me that I'm not your guy. I've talk with your friends, and I know you've lost your girlfriend. Don't give me that look! I had no other choice!"
"Like hell you hadn't!" Iruka snapped. "You could just have waited for me to tell you this. Not suck out the answer from them!"
"Shut up and listen to me!" The scarred chuunin was about to snap again, but he held back his tongue, making sure that the next words would hurt definitely if there was no good explanation. "It's been seven months now. Seven months, one Christmas, and your birthday, and you still haven't told me a thing! I can't even picture a nice gift to give to you for important moments.
"I- I don't know you even after all those months." He took off his bandana, breathing deeply. The dolphin said nothing, but Mizuki knew bells rang in his little head of his, because the expressive brown eyes held hurt and sadness. "I'm leaving on a long length mission tomorrow. Something about two or three weeks, mostly. Think about us, and decide what you want. Because right now, I feel like a rebound guy. Which is what I must be, actually..."
He did not wait for the younger man to answer, and simply made his way back to the school to pick some stuff he had left there. He was tired of this on and off again thing - if he could call it that, - he had with him. Iruka was funny and lovable, seeing things that Mizuki felt he could share with him. They had both lost their families, both felt the same pain, both knew what each other had to go through.
However, the man did not seem to be interested, even if he had repeated every time that he liked him and found time enjoyable in his company. They had fought once, when they had talked about the Kyuubi brat, and Mizuki had left it at that. Something about a fight Iruka had had previously with a friend. At least, he knew that they shared the same angered feeling of the demon.
But there was nothing more. He had to come to a term.
And as Iruka watched him walk away, he could not even say a thing to hold him back. He hugged himself, trying to understand where everything had gone wrong. He had thought that he had been over Hikaru. He had thought he was ready to be confident about another guy. He had thought about so many elements, had looked at them in every possible angles that his head had hurt from a stress induced headache.
He had found someone nice, who cared about him. Mizuki was not exactly patient, had pressured him a lot, but Iruka had been sure he was able to handle it. Wrong. He knew that it was because Mizuki pried into his life, that he asked question about everything that he had first been interested. His cemetery friend mostly never asked a thing, only once about 'Karu.
Yet, he also missed that silent companionship, that way of simply waiting to talk. He could say what he wanted, when he wanted, without interruption or look of pity or compassion - he could not tell which one it was. Silence. Listening. No impression of judgement.
On the other hand, it was what had frustrated Iruka in the first place; the constant silence, with the fact that he had to ask questions to know who his jounin friend was. It was a one-sided relationship, and the fights they had so much about the Kyuubi brat just made it even worse.
Truly, who was he kidding. Iruka was doing the same thing to Mizuki as the scarecrow did to him. He had killed his lover before because he had not known better and did not trust his own judgement. How could he have hoped to find someone again?
He tried to push away his feeling that death would be easier. Those thoughts were no good, he was not to find any kind of relieve in those, even if it hurt inside so much. He was a good shinobi, he just needed time, and only time helped. Nothing else would take the pain and the confusion away, he told himself. Again.
Hiruzen read the report in front of him with attentive eyes. He could not keep his smirk away from his lips, contentedly chewing on his old pipe absentmindedly. Rising his eyes, he looked at Kouta Kyoshi, satisfied. "He's shown great improvement since last times. I'm glad."
"Yes, Hokage-sama. Though he is to have some down from time to time, he will make it through." He took off his glasses to clean them up with a part of his uniform.
"However, he had a down two weeks ago. Are you sure he is stable enough?" He was concerned; an unstable shinobi meant peril.
"Yes, he shows that he understands when he is having those suicidal thoughts, and we have worked on different approaches to make sure he could counter them." Hiruzen 'hmm'ed'. "Therefore, I suggest that to help him back on his recovery, he should take some hours at the mission desk."
"Is that so. Why?"
"To be brought back slowly to his shinobi roots, to simply interact with his peers through the reports and manning the desk would be helpful. Without having to exactly go back on the field, he would at least approach it in some ways that could make him feel more useful."
Sandaime eyed back the report, muttering to himself, "'Uncertainty with his own capacities as a shinobi; mistrust his own deductions about comrades and situations; anxiety at the simple idea of going back on field; feeling disgraced as a shinobi for failing...'" He scratched his head thoughtfully, reading the few other notes of the evaluation report. "I see. Some hours would do him good. When do you think he would be stable enough to face other shinobis?"
Kouta looked at his own pad, scribbling something, before answering, "I would need a few more months. There are still many subjects to broach, and I need him to keep working only with the Academy children for now. It helps him getting his confidence back."
The Hokage took a puff, almost slouching back in his chair. His back hurt for staying so many hours in that horrible thing. "Alright. Next: Hatake Kakashi. How is he faring?"
Kyoshi turned the page over. "Good, but I see a withdrawal since some weeks now. However, nothing too major. He is stable, as usual, and no sign of reclusion yet."
"Good. You're doing a tremendous job, Kyoshi," he said, grinning. "Now, stop monitoring me, and get some tea for your old bones. You've been working yourself out too much, and I don't want you in your grave before me. Kami only knows who will go first between you and me."
Kouta smirked, and took a sip of his tea. "So, should we resume our game of shogi?"
Kotetsu drew back momentarily, holding his ground as Iruka threw a set of kunai at him. Answered with shurikens, he jumped back expertly as he saw the set of explosive tags. His clone blew up in a puff of smoke, and he grinned at his friend who was holding his ribs, out of breath.
"You're doing great, Ru'! You're faster since the two last years now."
The dolphin laughed back, sitting with a thump on the ground. "Thanks, I'm doing my best."
"Heh, but you're holding back!" Iruka looked away, his lips pressed in a thin line. "You were off, today. What's the matter?"
Scratching his scar, he sighed. "It's over with Mizuki. I broke up with him this morning," he said sadly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," answered Kotetsu, walking to his friend.
"But I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. I think he was more hurt than me..."
The spiky haired chuunin kept silent for a moment. "I'll be honest, I don't think he was good for you," he stated, crouching in front of the scarred chuunin.
"Huh? Why?" Iruka was surprised. He had thought that Kotetsu and Izumo liked him, each time they would go out they would have a lot of fun the four of them.
"I don't know," he gestured vaguely, looking for the right words, "he's holding such grudge. He always let something slip about revenge, strength, how it is important to become a jounin..."
A chuckle. "I know. The first time he asked when I would be taking my chance to become a jounin, and that I answered I wouldn't, I'm sure he judged me for a moment." He paused, analyzing his memory. "Now that I think of it, he asked me back then 'How would I take my revenge then, against the Kyuubi'."
Hagane rose his brows. "Really?"
"Yeah. We got in a big fight, and we never talked about it again."
"I guess your jounin friend made you understand about the boy, then!" Rising, he held his hand to Iruka, who took it.
"Yeah, I guess. In fact, I'll be having the brat in my class soon enough." They started walking back to the village, exiting the training ground. "Hokage-sama invited me for some tea, and exposed the situation. He thinks that I should be able to help him better than any other teachers."
"How come?" asked the spiky haired chuunin, perplex.
"That's what I asked too." He scoffed. "The only answer I got was that I would understand in time..."
"Hmm." They kept silent for a moment, making their way to the couple's apartment. Izumo should have been back by now, having done his hours at the mission desk. "How come you never asked for his name?"
"Excuse me?"
"Your jounin friend. You resent him for not asking you your name, but you haven't ask his," he stated, making fun of him. "Why?"
"Izumo told you, hasn't he?" Iruka grunted, scratching his head. "I don't know, okay? He- He made me angry, and it was the first thing that came to my mind. I don't want to talk about it, anyway."
"Ha, really! I'm sure you've got an eye on him," he said, hitting his friend's shoulder lightly, wriggling his eyebrows.
"Drop it," he said in a low voice, his eyes narrowing. He scoffed again, shaking his head.
Kotetsu let it drop; he knew that his lover would tell him everything anyway. But he could see a light blush on Iruka's face. That man did not blush so easily, that he knew of. He smirked. There was something going on, but he would not push anything. There was so much things going on in his friend's life, he could wait.
Kakashi lazily sat on the comfortable couch, a cold beer in one hand, his Icha Icha in the other. Asuma smirked to himself, opening his beer, and sat back in front of his friend. He took a sip and waited. Eventually, the question would be ask, would not it?
The scarecrow finally rose his eye to Asuma. "So, where do you get all that stuff on him."
The bearded jounin blinked repeatedly. "Are you here for that? That's what you've been wondering about?" He should not have been surprised, it was Kakashi, after all. "Heh. I don't give my source off so easily, Kakashi. You should know that."
Kakashi snorted, smirking. "Maa, it was nice to try," he said as he started reading his book again.
Asuma took another sip of his beer. "Anyway, what's so interesting in him? It's a chuunin."
The silver haired jounin sighed, staring at his bearded friend again. "Look underneath the underneath. Chunnnin or jounin, the title doesn't change a thing. You should know, with Kurenai and all," he said, his nonchalant face put on.
Asuma gritted his teeth. "I'm not dating Kurenai."
"And I'm not dating the chuunin," he replied, smiling through his mask. Sarutobi slumped in his couch, muttering something Kakashi could not discern.
"So you found out about Kurenai being my source. Why did you ask me then?" finally asked Asuma after a while.
"To see what it was about," he simply answered, waving his hand lazily, taking another sip of his beer.
"Underneath the underneath," Asuma muttered, frowning. The laughing wrinkles of the lone grey eye were making fun of him. "I should've seen this one comin'..."
"Look, I've gotta go," Kakashi said as he rose, "things to do, life to live."
"I don't think he'll come back to the memorial stone, Kakashi," he told him as the silver haired jounin stepped out of his apartment.
"Don't worry, I know him. He'll pass by," the scarecrow said, waving a goodbye.
Gwear's awareness: From what you can read of Iruka and Mizuki's loving relationship (which is not really love, I might add), I want to make sure that you do understand that it is not alright to let your lover or a close person put pressure on you to do things you don't feel comfortable with. This subject will come back in the next chapters.
You have the right to say no. No, is no. Period. If that person does not respect you, talk about it to someone, is it a professional or a person you trust. Do not let that pass as if it was alright. It's not, whether you are a boy or a girl.
