Chapter Seven: Life is a Lemon (And I Want My Money Back!)


"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." ― Groucho Marx


"Hey, there's Gunn and Fred," Xander nudged Cordelia and pointed.

"Quit jabbing me. I see them," she said, nodding, and took off towards the table, skirt snapping at her thighs. Leaving him to catch up, which he did without too much of an extension in his stride.

He grinned, then sobered abruptly. He still remembered more than just bits and pieces of the dream from last night, and the weird conversation in it. And he'd been pondering it off and on, through coffee and shower and toiletries and getting dressed. Not through playful early morning sex, though.

Sex with Cordelia had a way of driving all conscious thought out of his brain. Good thing: being distracted while in the throes of passion with her had been something she'd never readily forgiven, he remembered.

He still hadn't come to any conclusions. Just a vague sense of worry, bordering on panic.

He pulled Cordelia's chair out for her, netting a startled glance and a wide, bright smile, then sat down himself next to her.

"Hey," Gunn nodded to both of them. Fred gave them a bright grin and continued browsing a menu.

"Hey."

"Morning," they got the toothpaste smile from Cordy, genuine article, as she reached for a menu. "Heading back early?"

"Naw." Gunn shrugged. "Well, maybe." Fred shot him an amused look.

"What I've always liked about you – your complete un-ambivalence."

"Hey now, Barbie. Way too early for playing 'improve your word power'."

"Oh, please," Cordelia snorted. "It's going on eleven."

"Which doesn't in any way contradict the early statement," Xander said.

"You're awfully chipper this morning," Fred set the menu down, and gave Cordelia an observant once over.

"Hey, slept deep, early morning, uh... " Cordelia flushed slightly, glancing out of the corner of her eye at a grinning Xander, stuck her tongue out at him, and finished with: "Activities. And a happily impending annulment. What's not to like?"

"Huh. Kinda surprised."

She shot Gunn a sharp look, "At what?"

"Annulment. The two of you seemed awfully... married last night when we called it quits," Gunn said, smirking.

"Actually, the two of you've seemed awfully married ever since we first saw you outside the Bellagio," Fred observed.

"Uh." Cordelia's flush deepened.

"We're not. Trust me," Xander said, rescuing her. She shot him a grateful look. "We've just been acting like an old married couple since the third grade." The grateful look went away.

"We so have not!" Cordelia started, then considered, "Except for when we have, I guess."

Gunn snickered. She gave him a poisonous look.

"You seem to be taking this awful well," Fred said. She eyed him a bit suspiciously.

"Hey. Cordy wants an annulment. What Lola wants, Lola gets," he said, shrugging. Cordelia gave a satisfied nod, browsing her menu. "And, hey – I'm sure I can find much better options."

Fred quickly hid a lip twitch and Gunn had a sudden fit of coughing.

"Oh, yeah, like I'm so not the best thing that could ever happen to you, Jerk!" Cordelia's head whipped around, giving him 'Exorcist' flashbacks. "And if you think you could get rid of me if I wanted to - "

She broke off, suddenly noticing everyone staring at her with deep fascination. "Which I so don't, of course," she grumbled, turning back to her menu. "Annulment. Quick."

Fred winked at him and let the grin flash out briefly before hiding it again. He winked back, carefully out of Cordelia's vision. Gunn just shook his head.

"So... " Xander began, casting about for any topic of conversation that didn't have the words 'marriage', 'wife', 'annulment', or 'divorce' in it. "Bogart?"

"Huh?" Fred gave him a startled look, then grinned again. "Oh! Bogie! Yeah."

The waitress came and took their orders, leaving them with full glasses of water and another carafe of coffee.

"Anyway... ?" Xander made a 'by all means' gesture. Even Cordelia looked interested, the huff having apparently blown over.

"So, we was hanging out by the fountain thing at the Bellagio plaza, and we see someone familiar looking off aways," Gunn grinned, "Arguing, natch – "

"With big, expansive gestures," Fred kicked in.

"And Angel looks over and kinda face palms, and sez, 'Of all the cities in all the world, why did he have to show up here'?" Gunn snickered. Cordelia shook her head, then burst out laughing.

"Oh gods, Angel and his black and white movies. He must've made me watch Casablanca and Treasure of the Sierra Madre every single time they came on, when he and Wes were using my apartment for an office after ours was blown up."

"And I looked and, naturally, I recognized Cordy," Fred said, gesturing to Cordy, "But not who you were with and said, 'Who? Humphrey Bogart? Well it is Las Vegas, yeah, but isn't he dead?'"

"Which caused another near face palm incident, and then Angel just got this... resigned look and stared up into the sky like he was imploring the Big Guy."

"Or hoping for a bolt of lightning," Xander suggested. "Or possibly a ray of sunshine... "

Cordelia snickered. "I swear. Oil and water, you two," Cordelia said, laughing.

"You're really going to have to tell me what it is between y'all," Fred said.

Xander smirked, "No, I really don't." At her pout, he sighed and relented, making a vague gesture with his hands, "We just never clicked. Hated each other on nearly first sight."

"At first it was big jealousy thing," Cordelia said, and glared at Xander when his mouth opened, "And don't try to say it wasn't, Doof. Xander had a crush on Buffy Summers, and she latched onto Angel with the whole 'tall, dark, mysterious stranger fairy tale love' thing – "

"Said crush which started dying after she used me for a stripper pole at the Bronze to make Angel jealous, and got a stake driven through its heart – "

"So to speak," Cordelia said.

Xander stuck his tongue out at her and continued, "When he lost the soul and started killing people and terrorizing us and she couldn't seem to manage to work up to stopping him – "

"But the being in love with Buffy thing stayed – "

"Oh, please. I love Buffy. I haven't been in love with her since Career Week. And definitely not since just after the love spell thing."

" ... " Cordelia's mouth opened, then shut, then opened again. "Oh."

"There is a difference, you know."

She swatted him on the arm. "I know that, idiot."

They were interrupted by their food arriving, and conversation died briefly while it was served and they started to dig in.

"Anyway, vampire, got the girl yata yata, spent the first half a year we knew him lurking and giving cryptic information but not ever doing anything while we risked our lives, hid in his apartment when Buffy was going to her death, pedophile tendencies, went evil, tried to kill everyone, got sent to hell, came back and still got tons of second chances over and over," Xander smirked. "Gee. What's not to love?"

Cordelia swatted him on the arm.

Fred's mouth was open and her eyes were wide. She shut it with a click.

Gunn frowned, "Ok, now, I'm no expert, but that doesn't sound like the Angel we all know."

"It's not," Cordelia said. "He's changed a lot since then."

"I'm willing to buy that," Xander said. "But we're probably not ever gonna like each other much."

"Because Xander's never been shy about calling Angel on stuff like this to his face," Cordelia said, "and he teases him and cracks wise at Angel's expense and makes fun of him every time he sees him."

"You poke man eating tigers with sticks, too, don't you," Gunn said, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, like you so don't too," Cordelia said.

"Well, I've been known to razz Angel a bit, yeah," Gunn allowed. Xander grinned at him. "The Deadboy thing is a classic, though."

"Oh, jeeze," Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Never should have introduced the two of you."

"Yeah, y'all two are going to have to be nicer to Angel," Fred said.

Xander snorted and said, "Never happen" about the same time Gunn looked thoughtful and said, "Naw."

"Men!" Fred crossed her arms and looked exasperated.

"Could be worse, Fred," Cordelia said. "They are men and it's a bonding/friendship thing– if they really hated Angel, they'd just kill him."

"Heh." Xander gave Gunn a suspicious look, "You been showing her the manual?"

"Hey, my copy's safe."

"Oh, like we need a manual to figure you out," Cordelia snickered.

"And I really never forgave Angel over the whole Faith thing," Xander concluded.

"Wait – " Cordelia looked startled. "I thought he saved your life there? And if I'd known about the whole strangulation thing while we were still in high school, I'd have gotten one of Daddy's shotguns and I'd have killed her."

Xander stared at her and she colored slowly, gradually turning red.

"Well, I would have!" Cordelia said – more like, practically growled, "I may have hated you then, but I'm the only one who got to strangle you to death."

"Uh huh."

"Oh, shut up." Cordelia busied herself with her food. Gunn and Fred exchanged smirks.

"And he wiped that out by decking me and leaving me unconscious in the street in the middle of vampire central, at night. When they were doing that sting thing to prove Faith went evil, and no one warned me."

"Oh. Ok, that's pretty life risky... "

"Oh-kay, I'm thinking I'm really glad I didn't grow up in Sunnydale, about now," Fred stated.

Xander nodded seriously. "The town where we were born and razed."

"It takes an idiot to raze a village," Cordelia began.

"And I'm thinking we need to find an idiot with a bulldozer," Xander finished. Cordelia nodded, emphatically.

"Aww. You two are so cute when you do that."

"Oh, we so are not!" Cordelia scowled as Fred nodded seriously and took on an innocent expression. "And don't even try that butter melt thing on me," she paused, a thoughtful look crossing her face, and she turned to Xander. "Wait – do you still have the whole convention thing yet?"

"Nah." Xander shook his head, "Tuesday was the last day – ended not long before we err, bumped heads – "

"Among other things," Gunn said. At Cordelia's glare he added, hastily, "And I'm shutting up now."

Xander grinned, and continued, "And I have the rest of the week off. Supposed to go back Tuesday, like, after the weekend Tuesday."

"Cool," Gunn said. "We're planning to see us some sights and do some shopping for Fred. Maybe we'll bump into you guys."

"Yeah," Fred agreed, nodding enthusiastically. "We'll head back this evening, maybe. Or maybe not." She grinned mischievously.

"Playing hooky will get you taken across the Boss's lap, young lady," Xander said, waggling his finger at her. She giggled.

"Hey, man, he better not." Gunn flashed a quick grin across the table at Xander, then glanced at Cordelia, frowning thoughtfully.

"What? Do I have egg in my teeth?"

"Huh? No. Was just thinking," Gunn said. At her raised eyebrow, he said, "I don't know much about this whole woke up in Vegas married thing, you understand, but... don't be too mad if it's not that quick and simple, 'k?"

"What do you mean?" Cordelia frowned. "People get married and annulled here all the time."

"Like I said, I don't know much of nuthin' about it," Gunn shrugged, "I'm just sayin', is all."


As they headed up to set off after paying the check, Fred caught Xander's arm and held him back a second.

"You're not really planning to follow through on this annulment thing, are you?" she asked, her eyes searching his face seriously.

"I have no intention of letting that girl get away again," he said.

"Good." She patted his arm, "'Cause I really don't want to have to kick your ass," she said. "Good luck."

He caught up to Cordelia a few minutes later, looking bemused.

"What?"

Taking her arm and tucking it in his, Xander said, "Nothing, dear."

She yanked her arm away and he grinned.


They were both silent as they stormed out of the Las Vegas City and State government complex. Well, Cordelia stormed. Xander ambled quickly, studying his adversary with wary caution. It was gonna be a long and perilous walk to the parking garage, he figured.

Of course, wariness and caution had never been among Xander Harris' strong suits. Especially not where one Cordelia Chase was concerned.

Maybe if it wasn't just so much damned fun to wind her up and set her off... ? Nah.

"Well, that worked," Xander remarked. "Not."

"Oh, yeah." Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Not that you helped any."

"Me!"

"You didn't have to tell her we were already married once and never divorced." Cordelia's glare hit steel furnace intensity.

Naturally, it slid right off. Xander shrugged, easily. "Well, we were."

"Xander... !" She sighed. "We. were. in. the. second. grade," she bit out.

"I gave you a ring." His expression went mulish. Detonation in three... two...

"It came out of a gumball machine, Doofus!" She spun on her heel, glaring at him.

"And a ceremony," he added.

"Presided over by Jesse wearing his Christmas play Wise man robes and a white ribbon around his neck – that's not a wedding ceremony!" She practically vibrated in place, stifling a growl.

"You said 'I do'," Xander said, smiling. "And there was a dowry."

"..." Cordelia did growl, then. "Willow's barbie! That you tricked Jesse into stealing for you!" Her foot stamped, an involuntary reflex. "Willow never forgave me for that!"

"She did agree to be flower girl, though."

"Oh, yeah – with your mom's bucket of plastic Christmas poinsettias." Her eyes rolled again.

"And there was a cake."

"Hostess Ding-dongs!" Almost against her will, Cordelia started sniggering helplessly. "Which, I gotta admit, were oh so appropriate, considering who the groom was."

Xander started laughing. "Were, weren't they?"

"Oooohh... !" Cordelia's foot stamped again, and then she started giggling, then laughing herself. "Jerk."

"If your dad hadn't legally separated us... "

"We were eight, Pinhead." Cordelia shook her head, still laughing. "He kinda had a point that we weren't ready for cohabitation yet."

"And had to explain what 'cohabitation' meant," Xander said, grinning. "Willow spent the next three months trying to work it into every other sentence." He scowled, "He was wrong though: I was ready to support a family – I had a perfectly fine job."

"You had a paper route. That your dad had to drive you on to throw."

"Well... " Xander shrugged, his eyes dancing. "You didn't help either in there."

"Moi?"

"You could have said something when she asked if we were continuing to 'freely cohabit together as husband and wife' after realizing we'd been drunk out of our minds when we married."

"She did not," Cordelia stated. "She said, 'when I realized I'd been mentally impaired at the time'. How was I to know she meant 'drunk senseless'?"

"Well, 'restored from a state of unsound mind', but same diff," Xander said. "We really needed your dad there to explain the big words, huh?"

"Hah. Like that was gonna happen." Considering that Cordelia's father was currently a guest in a Federal tax evaders resort facility, no chance of him showing up to give her away. Or help. Besides which, he'd always liked Xander. Oooh. "Besides... I did tell her that I was unsound when we married. I did!"

"I'm remembering that a heartfelt declaration to the effect that 'I'd have to be insane to marry him!' didn't seem to qualify, for some reason," Xander remarked, "Although she did seem sympathetic."

"I'm not talking to you anymore."

"Heh. And your eyes glazing over and you getting that deer-in-the-headlights thousand yard stare when she said 'cohabit' didn't help none, neither," Xander said, smirking. "And your relapsing when she asked if we'd consummated... "

"Oooohh... !"

Tossing her hair angrily, Cordelia set off down the sidewalk away from the Las Vegas Municipal building at her best rapid pace. After a moment of being caught leaning, Xander caught up and matched strides with her easily, falling comfortably into place beside her, hands in his pockets.

"Six weeks!" she said angrily, after several minutes.

"Residency requirements, yup," Xander agreed.

"I can't live in Nevada for six weeks!"

"Me either," Xander said, agreeably. "I have a job in California. And I need the income to support my wife."

"Oooohhh... !" Cordelia belted him in the arm, smirking at the pained, 'ow!'. "You deserved that, jerk."

"Me!"

"You." Cordelia glared at him out of the corner of her eye. "You'd almost think you didn't want to get annulled."

"Huh." Xander carefully put his expression into neutral. "Completely ridiculous. How dare you say such a thing to me."

Her eyes narrowing, Cordelia studied him suspiciously. She rolled her eyes, tossing her head, "Oh, yeah. That sounded convincing."

"I should work on my delivery, huh."

"Only if you want to live until morning, dear."


"I'm kind of surprised that Willow hasn't been calling you every five minutes since your convention ended. Or Buffy," Cordelia said.

"I'm not," Xander shrugged.

They were sitting at an Italian place near a view overlooking the Vegas lights, having pasta and seafood with Gunn and Fred, in the early evening not long before dark.

They'd gone shopping for awhile after the frustration (for Cordy, not him) of their less than fruitful trip through Government land and Cordy was wearing the results. Cordy had needed the retail therapy, and Xander really hadn't minded seeing her model things for him.

She had on sort of dark blue-gray thing that he wasn't even sure how to describe except with 'hubba hubba', that was sleeveless and a third of the way down her impressive bust, showing lots of cleavage, tied at one side of her leg ninety percent of the way up that thigh and slanting down to a bit over halfway above the knee on the other side, with a long skirt like section in back. Some sort of shiny soft fabric. And matching color over the knee height high heeled boots. Yowza. The things those heels did for her calves...

Xander had switched to his other suit, the gray three piece that almost matched the color of her dress, and a pale, very pale blue shirt. He thought they made a pretty nice looking couple.

Judging from the way eyes, male and female, had followed them through the restaurant and concourse and the wolf-whistle Fred had let out on seeing them, so did other people.

"Oh?" Cordelia's eyebrow went up, yanking him back to the conversation. "I seem to recall that they never could leave you be for five minutes with your girlfriend back when we were in high school. Especially Willow."

"Always hated that with my high school and college friends," Fred remarked. Cordelia nodded.

"'Telling you, things have changed since then," Xander said. "Everyone's grown apart a bit, and everyone's wrapped up with their own concerns. Especially Willow with her magic and her breakup with Tara, and Buffy with Dawn." And Spike, he added mentally, but didn't say. He shrugged, "I'm not sure they even know I have a job. Even though Buffy's burger income doesn't begin to cover things, and neither does Willow's stipend from her folks. I think they just figure money just magically appears to help cover the shortfall."

"Hard to believe," Cordelia said. "I know Buffy, and I can't believe that she never notices fresh money in her account."

Gunn shook his head, "Ok, now that's kinda hard to figure. How you manage that trick?"

"Simple," Xander smirked. "I hand it to Dawn after she looks at the bills, and she slips it into Buffy's little lock box for the mortgage and bill money."

"Oh, that's tricky," Fred said, approvingly.

"Heh. Oh, now that's just wrong. Most little sis's are trying to sneak money out of mom's purse, not in."

"Hey, Dawn's a good kid," Xander said. "A bit of a problem with the shoplifting thing – and she really shouldn't know how to pick locks at her age, even chintzy ones – but reasonably sharp."

"Yeah," Cordelia nodded. "Dawn always had a good head on her shoulders for a brat."

"You just say that because she always idolized you and soaked up your fashion and makeover tips, and tormenting boys tips like they were Gospel."

"Like I said: good head on her shoulders," Cordelia stuck her tongue out at him, smirking. "Who else was she going to ask? Buffy?"

Xander laughed, and winked back at her. "Anyway, unless there's a Dawn crisis, or a nerd crisis, or an apocalypse, they probably won't notice I'm missing for another week."

Cordelia studied him for a minute, then shook her head.

"What?"

She gave him the bright Pepsodent smile, "Nothing, dear." She frowned, then: "Wait, nerd crisis?"

"Yeah, the Trio of Doom? The Legion of Dorkness?" Xander frowned, "I didn't tell you about them?"

"No, not unless it's lost in the drunken fog of the other night," she said, scowling. "So, spill."

Gunn and Fred looked intrigued, also. Xander shrugged, "Ok. So, Jonathan, Andrew Wells, and Warren Mears – you know, he of the robot girlfriend?"

Cordelia looked blank, so he explained the sad tale of Warren and April, and the Buffy-bot.

"Eww." Cordelia shook her head, apparently trying to shake out the images. "Just... ick."

"Ok, that's just plain wrong," Gunn said.

"You are not wrong," Xander said. He looked quizzically at Cordelia. "Man, I was sure you knew about that."

"No. Ok, saw the 'Bot when we were there briefly after Buffy's death, but no one explained the whole story. Which, probably of the good, or Spike would have been dust in the wind once Angel caught up to him."

"Or of the bad. Spike? Dusty? Made of win in my book." He shrugged, continued: "Ok, so these three twerps decide to become super-villains and do the whole Pinky and the Brain bit, only without the panache. And it went from icky to worse until it ended up in them killing a girl and trying to pin it on Buffy."

"Wait," Cordelia held her hand up, palm out. "Stop. Andrew Welles? Tucker's weird little brother? And Jonathan? As in – "

"Jonathan Levinson, right. And Andrew as in Ole Hellhound Tucker's brother, yup."

"Jeeze."

"Yeah," Xander shook his head, noticed that Fred was listening with fascination and an almost Willow-like gleam in her eye. "And the sad thing is, hey: freeze rays, invisibility... hell, not to add to the ick-factor, but the whole robot girlfriend and robot sex-toy thing? If all they wanted was lots of money, hell: they could market that stuff and make billions."

Gunn still looked ill, but he nodded, "Shit yeah. Sick, yeah, but hell – lotsa guys out there'd pay big bucks."

"Oh, please. What – every guy's dream?" Cordelia said, with a snort of disgust, "A programmable girlfriend?"

"Well, not every guy, maybe," Gunn said, shrugging. He looked at Xander. "Obviously."

"Hey, they're right, Cordy," Fred stated. "Oh – on the not every guy thing, too, but also on the huge money."

"Yeah. Just... eww, squick."

"You are not wrong," Xander said, nodding. "But apparently, money's not the real draw there."

"Super villains." Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Now I've heard everything."

"It's been a really bizarre year, even for the Hellmouth," Xander said.

"Yeah, our end too," Gunn said.

"So... since we seem to have hit a dead end here, head back tonight?" Xander asked, looking at Cordelia.

"May as well, I suppose," Cordelia said, grousing. "Until we can tackle this from a different end."

"Not gonna say I said, but... " Gunn grinned at her.

Xander carefully kept any hint of a smirk or grin out of his expression. After going to every State, County, and Local office even remotely involved with marriage before close of business today, with no joy; Cordy would probably just take the easy way out and murder him. It didn't help that Fred wasn't even pretending to be unhappy and commiserate with her, and she was already pissed off at the slender Texan for the lack of female solidarity.

He glanced up at Fred and caught a surreptitious wink, then back to the conversation. Gunn was saying, "Ok, well, if you really want to dissolve it – I do know that you can get a quickie divorce here pretty easy."

"No!"

Everyone stared at Cordelia's outburst, and she flushed. "I mean... " She shook her head, "No. Daddy had two divorces, counting the one Mother laid on him when his tax mess hit. Grandfather had, god, five I think. And my Grandmother – six."

"Not that uncommon," Fred said, looking puzzled.

"Not for me," Cordelia said. "Not a family tradition I want to keep. No. I am not going to start my life as a legal adult by celebrating it with a quickie divorce."

"Yeah," Fred said, nodding enthusiastically. "Because a drunken marriage in Vegas is so much of a better way to embark on a career as a legal adult."

Open mouth. Flat glare.

Gunn looked at his girlfriend in sheer, dismayed, open mouthed amazement, then looked at Cordelia, and carefully began edging his chair farther away.

"I can't believe you just said that," Cordelia finally managed.

"Oh, please," Fred said, smiling sweetly. "Either you really want to end this marriage as quickly as possible, like you say. Or you don't, and you're just yanking Xander's chain and enjoying making him squirm. Which isn't very nice."

Xander gulped, averted his eyes from the oncoming train-wreck, and followed Gunn in edging his chair away from Ground Zero.

"Oh... ?" Cordelia said, quietly and dangerously.

Fred looked to the side and saw the growing distance between her and Gunn and Xander. She rolled her eyes. "Jeeze. Relax, guys. Cordy's not gonna hurt me. She likes people who're blunt, honest, and straightforward."

Xander shook his head slowly, careful not to make any sudden moves that might trigger an attack.

'Too late,' Still Small piped up, cheerfully. 'No way you'll get off that easy. You're already in the blast radius.'

Don't be so cheerful, pal. She goes off, and you die with me.

'Oh. Crap.'

"No, Fred," Xander said, carefully. "Cordy likes being blunt, honest, and straightforward. To other people." He took a deep breath, "She hates it when people do it to her."

"Oh, I so do not!"

Too late. Danger, Will Robinson! Cordelia pinned him with a glare, then after a moment, her lips started twitching. "Ok, so, maybe I don't always deal with it as gracefully as I could."

She stood casually, tossing her napkin on the table and threw Fred her best Beauty Queen smile. "I need to powder my nose," she said.

Pushing her chair back, Fred matched the smile. "Me too. I think I'll join you."

They headed off towards the restrooms. Or maybe, stalked off. Together.

Xander looked at Gunn, and carefully moved his chair back up to the table. Gunn looked at him and did the same. Xander caught the eye of a waitress and flagged her.

"I think I need a drink, suddenly."

"Me too. Pshew!" Gunn wiped his forehead with a dramatic motion, and held his other hand up, forefinger and thumb pressed tightly together. "Missed us by that much," he said.