Chapter 9
Present Time
Lying alone in bed at night I often think about what we shared together and if I imagine it badly enough, I can taste you on my lips and feel your warmth on my skin. My heart gently aches, still missing you. And that's when I allow myself to hope for the tiniest chance you might remember that night too and maybe even still think of me.……..
"You want one last drink for the road?"
Paul furrowed his brow at Stephanie's suggestion as his lips rolled together in silent contemplation. His body felt pleasantly warm from the alcohol he had already consumed over the course of the night and a couple of times he had even found his vision blurring ever so slightly. His head was even starting to feel a little fuzzy but it was his own fault. He had made the conscious decision to forego remaining sober a long time ago so really there was no choice to be made here about another drink. And one more couldn't make him any drunker than he already felt. He also found he was in no particular rush to leave the club either. He was having a good time despite his initial nervousness at coming here and any awkwardness he imagined he might feel seeing Stephanie again had slipped away the second she had looked up and smiled at him.
"I suppose I could stay and force another one down." he replied. "I mean your company hasn't completely sucked tonight."
As his brown eyes twinkled teasingly back at her, Stephanie laughed and gathered their empty glasses, gripping them in the fingers of her right hand. She hopped down from her tall stool flicking her brown hair over her shoulder.
As she wandered behind the bar, Paul lightly scratched at his chin and looked around the low lit deserted room. Last call had been issued some time ago and the staff had followed soon after including the bar manager who with a sick infant son at home had been more then happy to take Stephanie up on her offer to stay behind and close up the place. Maybe it was in his rush to get out the door that the guy forgot to chuck him out with the rest of the stragglers but the brief nod goodbye in his direction made Paul reluctantly entertain the notion that this was a regular thing and Stephanie often had company after hours. He had to admit that thought unsettled him more than he cared to acknowledge as well as make him realise how little he actually knew about this grown up woman and the life that she had now. And although he was desperate to know more, he was also hesitant to ask not quite sure if he had any right to enquire about any of her personal details.
"Ice?" Stephanie asked him.
Paul shook his head answering her as he shifted on his stool and rested his thick forearms on the bar watching Stephanie pour the generous shots of vodka into their glasses. He really hadn't meant to stay so long but once they had started talking he seemed to lose all track of time. An hour had somehow drifted into five as they reminisced about the past. Of course so far they had only stuck to safe topics of conversation. It was almost like an unspoken agreement had passed between them as they spent the majority of the time discussing their childhood memories and their common bond in Shane. With an entire continent between them, Paul had lost contact with him over the years and had apparently missed out on a lot. The guy was now happily married with a two year old kid and still living in Europe heading up some department in a successful media company out there. Stephanie had seemed proud yet quite sad when she had talked about her brother and that alone raised even more questions in his head. Questions that he didn't quite dare to ask in case they led him down a path he wasn't quite ready to venture towards. Because it may have been six years since he last saw Stephanie but being with her now made it feel like it could have been only yesterday. Her re-appearance in his life had rekindled a lot of memories for him; memories he couldn't quite seem able to shake which bothered him more than he cared to admit. Because lately it seemed he couldn't stop thinking about her or that night they had spent together which was why he had come here to see her tonight. Quite honestly, he hadn't been able to stay away even if he had wanted to.
Paul sighed softly, raking his big hand through his long blonde hair.
"So, you close up often?" he asked shifting on his seat and deliberately ending that particular train of thought in his head. It was very dangerous for him not to mention extremely reckless.
Stephanie lifted her shoulder in a shrug as she grabbed another liquor bottle. "Sometimes. It all depends."
She poured the drink mixing it with the vodka. Paul's nose crinkled with his curiosity and his dismay as he saw the strange orange concoction she had created.
"Steph, what the hell is that?"
Her lips curved up into a slow grin. "It's called Absolut Damage." she informed him as she passed the glass tumbler in his direction.
"Looks more like absolutely disgusting." he commented as he eyed it suspiciously.
Stephanie rolled her eyes dryly lifting her own glass and her heels echoed in the silence of the club as she walked back to her seat.
"What on earth is in this thing?"
"It's vodka and cinnamon schnapps."
She hopped back on her stool and her face flickered with her amusement as Paul took a mouthful and instantly grimaced in disgust. His glass was slammed to the bar and he pushed it away from his reach. He coughed as the fiery taste hit the back of his throat and his voice was thick as his glossy brown eyes stared at her incredulously.
"Jesus Christ! How can you drink that shit?"
Stephanie giggled as he cleared his throat and coughed once more. He screwed up his face at the taste that lingered in his mouth.
"I don't know. We used to drink it all the time in college."
Paul shook his head as he wiped his lips with the back of his hand. As he gazed at her thoughtfully, he decided to take the opening she had offered him by mentioning college. It was the first time Stephanie had brought up anything remotely personal all night and he had to admit that despite his reluctance to visit the ghosts of their past, he wanted to find out more. He needed to. He was intrigued about her and her life in particular how she got here. Because the Stephanie McMahon he knew had so many hopes and dreams. What had happened to her that she had ended up here in this place, taking off her clothes for a living? Not that he was judging her in any way for it. He wasn't one for casting stones about anybody. People could do what the hell they wanted to with their lives. It just didn't make any sense to him that was all. Not when he thought about and remembered the girl she used to be.
"So you went to college, huh?" he asked as he pushed his blonde strands behind his left ear.
"For a while." Stephanie sighed, smiling awkwardly and turning to her drink. She lifted the glass taking a sip wondering if there was any way she could get out of this conversation. God knows she'd spent hours exhausting small talk trying to avoid the pathetic story of her life. See, she didn't want Paul to realise how jaded and unhappy a person she really was. The very idea he would be disappointed in her killed her inside but it appeared her time was now up and she could feel Paul watching her, patiently waiting for her to continue. She guessed she had nothing to lose by telling him the truth. It wasn't a truth she was exactly proud of though because she had made a lot of mistakes; big mistakes that she was still paying for in one way or another. Still, maybe telling Paul about those mistakes would make him understand why she was here and why she was no longer that girl that he used to know. The girl who wanted to be a dancer and the girl who thought her dreams could somehow come true. A girl who soon learned that dreaming was only for poor misguided fools like she had been.
Biting down on her lip, Stephanie tucked her hair behind her ear and took another sip of her drink as she tried to draw on the courage she needed to tell Paul the truth. She could feel his steady gaze burn a path right through her. As she swallowed the sour tasting liquid, she expelled a calming breath and began to tell her story.
"It was a college of the arts and I went there wanting to be on stage." she said sadly, tracing her finger along the rim of her glass as she glanced up at him. "Broadway, London. You name it, I was going to be there performing."
"So what happened?"
"Well…." Stephanie paused and rolled her lips together as she silently acknowledged how relatively painless this all felt and that surprised her. Why did one of the most difficult experiences in her life suddenly felt quite easy to talk about when Paul was the one sitting listening to her with that gentle expression on his face, focused on her, watching her? It almost made her feel like she could tell him anything at all.
"I got injured." she eventually continued lightly scratching at her forearm. "One day I landed a jump and heard a pop in my knee. I thought I'd just twisted it or something but eventually the pain got really bad and that's when I found out I'd torn my ACL. After that my knee was completely shot. Unfortunately my dancing days were over."
"And they couldn't repair it?"
Stephanie slowly shook her head and offered him a wry smile. "They tried but because I'd kept using the knee and still danced with it, I severely damaged the cartilage and apparently complicated the injury. There was nothing they could do in the end."
Paul's face faintly flickered with his sympathy. "God, Steph."
"I know it was stupid to keep going but I honestly didn't know how serious the injury was. Plus I was really scared." she admitted pressing her lips together tightly and sighing. "There was this big show coming up and I was so desperate for the lead part. I thought I could muddle through but one day I woke up and I couldn't even put any weight on my leg."
"But it was your ACL. Surely you were in a lot of pain before that? Some indication of just how serious it was."
"Yeah but I took the good drugs." she told him, lifting her shoulder in a shrug and letting out a nervous chuckle as her hand raked through her hair. "Although it was too much of the good drugs if I'm being honest which probably brings us to the next part of my sad little story."
Paul stared at her silently for a moment giving Stephanie the time to wonder why she had blurted out that part. It wasn't like she needed to tell him about the drugs but if she was being completely honest here she found that she actually wanted to. For some reason it felt good to talk about it, almost like she was unburdening herself of this giant weight she'd been carrying around forever. God knows it had been a long time since she'd talked to anyone about anything. But more than that, she needed Paul to know everything. For some reason that felt really important to her. She just prayed he understood and wouldn't judge her.
"What happened to you, Steph?"
The genuine concern in his question moved her and the tone of his voice was soft; so soft Stephanie felt her breath catch in her throat imagining she could detect an intimacy there. Or maybe she didn't and she just wanted it so badly she could hear something that wasn't there. She quickly pushed that notion from her mind, licking her lips as she took another sip of her drink and tried to explain.
"I got addicted to the painkillers I was taking." she admitted with a reluctant smile. "I was also drinking a lot too and hanging about with the wrong crowd. I eventually got into trouble and got kicked out of college. I ended up checking myself into in rehab for a few months and I want you to know that was not something I'm exactly proud of. I just had to do it, you know."
Stephanie looked deeply into his eyes searching for the disappointment she was sure she would see there but all she saw was concern and compassion for her situation. And when he spoke, Paul's voice was completely without judgement and deep down, despite her fears, she knew it would be. It's probably why she had told him the whole truth in the first place.
"You do know this is me you're talking to, Steph. You don't have to justify yourself to me."
"I know." she smiled gratefully realising that statement was true. Because somehow when everyone had seen her as different and somewhat strange, Paul had always accepted her, no matter what.
"I'm just sorry for what's happened to you." he told her softly.
"Why? It was my own fault. Everybody told me to get my knee checked out but I didn't listen. I was too worried about missing out on my big chance. Now I'm missing out permanently."
She lifted her shoulder in a shrug embarrassed for the self pity she could hear lingering in her voice. Because she had no right to feel pity for what she had done; not when it had been totally self inflicted because of her own stupidity.
"But hey" she said smiling trying her best to lift the mood. "I still get to dance, right? And in the finest of establishments may I add."
Paul's mouth curved up gently noticing Stephanie's smile didn't quite reach her eyes as she gestured around the small club. In fact there was a sadness that still lingered in the ocean blue pools that stared back at him. But he didn't mention it. He could sense she didn't want to dwell on what she had just told him. And he had to admit he was pleased about that because he still felt like he was reeling from her admission. He understood but it was a lot to process. So instead he decided to encourage her attempt at humour by lifting his glass in the air and tilting it in her direction in a mock toast.
"Hey I'll drink to that!"
He placed the glass to his lips and took a drink. He immediately regretted it as the sharp tang hit his tongue. He winced, lightly shaking his head as he swallowed the weird orange beverage.
"Fuck." he frowned placing the drink down once more. "Maybe I won't."
"Light weight."
Paul scowled and was ready to shoot back with a retort when he felt it stick in the back of his throat. Stephanie had shifted on her stool and the pale light above her now fell softly over her face. It suddenly struck him how beautiful she was and actually how beautiful she always had been to him even if it had taken a lifetime to realise what had been there right in front of him.
"So that's my pathetic life." Stephanie sighed unwittingly lifting him from his haze as she shifted in her seat. "What's your story to tell?"
"Well I don't have much of a story really." he shrugged absently rubbing his hand over his thick denim clad thigh. "I graduated a few years ago and am now a fully qualified graphic designer."
"Really? And what does that entail exactly?" she asked with interest.
"What it entails is getting to stay home all day playing with video games." he grinned widely reminding her somewhat of an excited little boy. "See I'm designing some graphics for this software company right now but I'm freelance which means I could be doing anything. Last month I was working on this advertising campaign and a few months before that I was sketching a few cartoons."
The left corner of Stephanie's mouth lifted in a smirk as she raised her brow. "Well I reckon comic books would be about your level of mentality."
"Ha ha. Very funny. It was for a book actually, a children's book."
"Wow. So it sounds like you could be doing anything at anytime."
Paul nodded as he lifted his hand to his mouth, stifling back a yawn. "I like the variation. It stops things becoming boring."
"What? Like my company?" Stephanie teased.
He smiled at her apologetically as his big hand rubbed at his eye. "Hey, I already told you it didn't suck. Besides, you were the one that said you were boring. Not me." he said before his eyes briefly fluttered shut and he bit back yet another yawn.
"You're tired. I should let you go home."
"Trying to get rid of me now?" he smirked as he rubbed wearily at his chin. "How long have we been sitting here anyway?"
"I don't know but I should probably get this place locked up."
Paul nodded shifting his long legs over the floor trying to encourage some feeling back in them as he peered at the black faced watch on his wrist. His brown eyes went wide when he realised it was a little after four. Shit! He knew it was late but not this late and in less than five hours Emily would be banging his door down wanting him to go shopping for rings for the damn wedding. A wedding that was still five months away yet with each day that passed he felt his life slipping away from him more and more. It was like this huge roller coaster ride he just couldn't get off. It scared him to death but he just couldn't stop it. It just wasn't that simple. Not when marrying Em was what was expected from him and God knows, he was all about doing what other people wanted, sometimes even at the expense of his own happiness.
"Will you be okay here while I check through the back?"
He nodded his head feeling Stephanie's hand briefly rest on his arm. Her warm fingers slowly burned through him as he looked up and swallowed thickly. Their eyes locked and something inside him stirred. Something that he hadn't felt since that night he had spent with her six years ago. God knows he'd tried his hardest to forget but lately it seemed he was fighting a losing battle. He couldn't shake the memories. He couldn't shake her. From the very first moment he had seen her again on that stage, Stephanie had been constantly on his mind. Now he found himself drowning in the pair of ocean blue pools staring back at him. Paul shifted his body slightly forward on the stool, feeling his breathing quicken.
"I won't be long." Stephanie said softly.
Her voice lifted him from the haze he had been in, bringing him back to his senses as her hand slid from his arm and she quickly got down from her seat. Paul lightly shook his head and felt his skin prickle with the chill at the loss of her touch. And as he watched her scurry away he wondered if Stephanie had seen something just now; something in his expression that gave away his intentions and had frightened her away. Because the truth was a few seconds longer and he would have made his move. He would have given in to the temptation and he would have pulled Stephanie into his arms and he would have kissed her.
