Wooo! An update finally =D. I've decided I might as well continue since I started now. I don't have too much longer to go. Again, sorry for the wait the internet grabbed my attention again. It's hard for me to concentrate!

Note: I made this chapter from Fang's POV (mostly) since I thought it'd be interesting for you all to see how she feels about the whole situation. I tried to keep her as in character as possible but please forgive me if you think she gets a little out of it!


Chapter IX: Fear and Denial

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

~ Ellen Pompeo


Fang heard the screams…the sighs…the clash of the bed hitting the wall. She didn't want to believe it. She wanted to pretend she was just having a nightmare and would wake up any moment. But she was having a nightmare, only this time, she couldn't just wake up from it. Fang had hoped that Vanille had just had a crush on Lightning. Even when she had told Lightning that Vanille loved her and that the stubborn Soldier needed to love the girl back, she still hoped it was just a crush. It wasn't that she hated the two being together…no…it was much worse than hate… This was fear.


"They're in here!" Snow's voice abruptly awoke Lightning from her sleep.

She fluttered her eyes open and recognized the naked, sleeping frame before her. Last night came rushing back to her. She remembered making rough, passionate love to the young Pulsian. Smiling she kissed Vanille's forehead and rolled out of the bed to dress. A slight blush rose to her cheeks as she wondered if the others had heard anything. Vanille had told her everyone else had gone to sleep but did they wake up? She didn't know, she would just have to play like nothing happened.

Wait…

Snow had just come in earlier to tell the others where they were. Lightning couldn't remember how much the cloth blanket had covered them during their rest.

Act like nothing happened. Be normal. Control your emotions.

She didn't know why but she still felt uncomfortable expressing her love for Vanille other than holding the girl's hand or hugging her. It felt like they were making the others uncomfortable as well, even though they were probably just fine with it. It wasn't like they gave them disgusted looks or anything.

Lightning decided she would let Vanille sleep a little longer. After last night the Pulsian needed as much rest as possible. Silently, she exited the house and met the rest of the group in the opposite one. Snow was cooking up some oddly colored red-orange eggs from one of the local birds for breakfast. The smell was welcoming actually.

"Morning," Lightning nodded in a sort of cheery mood.

"Someone's in a good mood this morning," Snow chuckled and smiled at her.

"Yeah, I ain't seen you this happy since…ever," Sazh agreed.

Lightning just gave one of her signature shrugs and leaned on the doorframe. Fang didn't acknowledge her lying in one of the beds and tossing an old ball up and down. Light figured as much. Although it was hard to tell if Fang was upset or just…being Fang. She was about to strike conversation with the Oerban woman but something deep in her gut told her otherwise. Maybe it was Serah warning her of something. Or maybe she was just being extremely paranoid. Either way she just simply stared at a doll sitting on the kitchen counter.

A doll…

That's exactly what Vanille was, a doll. Simple yet with a complex frame, tough but easily broken at the seams, gorgeously imperfect. Lightning loved her doll just like an innocent toddler. Vanille was a strong doll made of tough fabrics but Lightning still felt like the girl was made of delicate porcelain. She would treat Vanille like some toy, but at times she herself was like a lost puppy and Vanille was her owner. Lightning would never admit it but the angry wolf perception she always gave off was nothing more than the shadow of a small pup. A scared, lonely pup forced to grow up to protect what family it had left.

She's a doll and I'm a puppy… Tch. What stupid thoughts she was having lately.

She gave off a sigh and leaned her head back. She wished Snow would hurry up with those eggs. Her stomach was so empty it made her back hurt.

Snow…

"Snow, I need to talk to you for a minute," she nodded her head indicating the outdoors.

"Uhm, okay… Did I do something wrong? You're not going to punch me are you?" He raised a brow and came forth cautiously.

"Not unless you want one." Her face remained expressionless as she left the small house and went to look past the seawall to the ocean below.

She paced along the edge thinking and choosing her words carefully.

"So, what's up?" Snow laced his hands behind his head.

Lightning twirled her blade in her hand trying to put all of the racing thoughts and words into a calm sentence.

"Snow, when you proposed to Serah…what did you do? How do you do it?" She shifted her eyes to meet his but continued twirling her blade.

The tall blond blinked in shock for a moment before finally scratching his head.

"I just proposed, I didn't really do anything special for the proposing. We watched fireworks and made a wish. Then I took her on the hover vehicle to watch the fireworks up close." He opted not to tell her about their kiss, just in case.

"Figures, you never plan anything out. Just do it right then and there." Light gave a small sigh and turned her head to him. "I want to propose to Vanille, but I don't know what to do. I want it to be special but what can I do? I don't even have any engagement jewelry." She looked back down at her blade a little disappointed in herself.

"You don't actually need to give her anything. Just make her happy and then when you feel the time is right propose to her. The only thing that matters is the promise you tell her."

"For an idiot you sure have your moments, Snow." She smirked but made sure he couldn't see it.

"Thanks…I think." He gave her his signature smile and let his arms hang by his sides.

"Give me some time to think now, please." That was probably the nicest way she's ever told him to leave her alone.

"Sure thing, Sis." He waved and walked back inside the house.

Lightning didn't bother correcting Snow's 'Sis' statement and let him leave in silence. The tip of her blade shone blindingly in the bright sun.

A promise, hm? The thought made her wonder what exactly to promise Vanille. She didn't want to sound clichéd.

Her mind racked and sorted through possible words and phrases she could say to Vanille for this 'promise'. Her only concern was…would words be enough?


Fang tossed an old rubber ball up repeatedly; she caught it with her left hand and shifted it to her right to toss it again. She stared at the old bunk above her. Only she and the boys were awake yet. Fang wanted to pretend that the two people still asleep were in separate beds, but she knew better. She knew they were sharing the same bed hugging and cuddling probably. Last night played over and over in her mind like a broken record. If only being l'Cie could grant her the power to turn back time. If she knew that stepping outside of this house last night meant this much pain through the sleepless night then she would have just rolled back over and returned to sleep. As if she needed to add pain to her worry and fear she already felt about this whole l'Cie thing.

Ignorance is bliss after all. These were definitely famous last words.

She remembered everything as clear as the night sky it happened under.

xxxxxx

A dry throat had woken her so she got up to get a glass of water. Due to sleeping with her mouth open Fang's tonsils had become dry and massively swollen. The cool water had awakened her mind almost fully for the moment so going back to sleep right then wasn't a possibility. She looked out of the window and noticed the stars were exceptionally bright tonight.

This'll probably be the last time I ever get to see these stars. With Gran Pulse officially abandoned the only stars she would ever see now were Cocoon's.

She stepped out of the house silently as to not wake the others. The fresh air was nice and cool. She looked to the stars taking another sip of water. Her head turned and twisted trying to find the constellations she was told about from her past. From what she could see the only one visible was the mighty Ifrit Eidolon. Fang wanted to bet that everyone on Cocoon hated Ifrit since he helped Pulse in The War of Transgression. Those people didn't realize that Eidolons were neither good nor bad, truthfully. Eidolons only knew that they must aid the person that summoned them.

Fang sighed at the thought of the war and Cocoon. For some reason she still couldn't remember a thing.

Probably don't want to anyways.

She breathed deeply and swung her arms back and forth letting her hands make a soft clapping sound when they met at her front. Her sari rustled in the small breeze.

Crash.

"What?" Fang whipped her head to the direction of the sound. It sounded like it came from the second house.

Her eyes stared the building down waiting for another crashing or loud sound. It was probably just another fal'Cie or wildlife taking refuge in the abandoned house but something in Fang felt uneasy.

Vanille…? She hadn't checked if her young friend was still in her bed before she went outside.

Cautiously she approached the household and stood before the rusty door. Her hand slowly reached for the door handle. That's when another noise came. But it wasn't a crash or a loud noise. It sounded like…Vanille? Fang stared in a curious wonder at the door as if trying to see through it. Twice more the girl's voice came barely audible, and then a different voice. It sounded slightly older and a little deeper. Fang's jaw opened slightly in realization.

Lightning…and Vanille… They're moaning. Her heart sank into her stomach. The fear she had felt of the two had now turned into sheer angst and anxiety.

A scream from Vanille tore through the thin, metal structure. She heard the Soldier give a loud grunt and a deep creak of springs sounded. Images of all sorts ripped through Fang's mind of what the two women were doing. Images that she would have rather not seen. How could someone be doing this to her Vanille? She remembered that this also wasn't their first time. It made her sick. Made her want to vomit all over the ground. Her stomach wretched and turned as she all but ran back to the other house.

Rage.

Anger boiled up inside of her. How could some moronic Ex-Soldier defile her best friend like that?

Hate.

She hated that woman. That stupid, pink-headed, selfish woman who was taking advantage of poor Vanille again. Again!

Fear.

She was definitely scared now. Scared for everything she had lived for and protected ever since meeting Vanille in the orphanage.

Fang clenched the glass of water she had forgotten she still had in her hand and in doing so water spilled over her exposed toes.

"Rah!" She grunted and threw the fragile cup at one of the old street signs. The glass shattered upon impact sending its contents flying everywhere.

xxxxxx

"Morning," Lightning entered the house.

Fang didn't say a word to her, though. She had calmed down after last night's events but that didn't mean she would forgive Lightning for her actions. She continued tossing her rubber ball amusingly. It gave soft squeaks whenever she caught it. Her ears picked up the small talk between Lightning and her soon to be brother-in-law; surprisingly the conversation didn't involve a fist or shouting. Her eyes turned in interest when the Soldier asked Snow to talk with her outside. She watched them leave wishing that she could hear the conversation.

It was only a short while before Snow reentered but without Lightning following. He didn't have a black eye again so it must not have been an argument. She watched Hope playing with little Bhakti and smiling in silent laughter. The youth had such a simple mind. Then again, she was the one who had found tossing a ball entertaining for about two hours.

"Breakfast is ready. Come and eat." Sazh set "plates" on the table-and by plates that meant a piece of cloth.

Fang didn't deny her hungry stomach and sat herself at the table. To the rest of her peers, aside from Vanille, the eggs seemed strange and foreign but to her these were the eggs she had for breakfast so many times when she was younger. These eggs had a sweet hint to them due to their orange specs. It was refreshing and brought back joyful memories.

"These taste pretty good," Hope complimented and smiled.

She nodded and returned his smile. She focused on nothing except for eating her breakfast. Last night wouldn't bother her again. Not right at the moment anyways. Part of her still wanted to confront Lightning, but another part wanted to disregard the woman all together.

"Morning!" A cheerful voice greeted. Vanille skipped into the house and smiled broadly. "Food! Yay, I'm starving!" Vanille clapped her hands and sat down at a spot next to Fang. "Morning, Fang!" The girl hugged her older friend tightly before delicately diving into her food.

"Yeah…" was Fang's only response.

Moments later Lightning appeared and silently sat down at a random spot near Hope. She seemed to be in very deep thought though her face was expressionless.

Probably trying to think of how to do Vanille better. She scoffed and shook her head.

"Somethin' the matter?" Sazh raised a brow. "Did I not cook 'em right?"

"It's nothin'," Fang made a dismissive gesture and stood starting for the door. "You did good, old man." She gave one of her laid back smiles and left the building.

She stood at the side of the house and leaned on one of the support poles. Her mind delved into deep thought.


Farron used a clean part of her cloth-plate and wiped her hands after finishing her eggs. For once she was the last of them to finish eating. Thinking deeply tended to make her eat slowly. She hadn't really tasted her meal either because of it. The right words still hadn't found her mind yet, at least not all of them. She had some of it planned out but not as much as what she wanted to tell the girl.

Why is this so damned difficult? How hard is it to think of a few words to say how much I love her? I wish Serah would've given me a crash course on love before she left.

Then it finally dawned on her. Serah could help her! Abruptly she stood knocking her chair behind her.

"Snow, let me talk to Serah." She held her hand out for the crystal tear.

"Good luck," he gave her a wink and a smile and handed her Serah's teardrop.

Lightning returned to her earlier spot where she had talked with Snow. She looked at the clear blue drop in her palm.

Serah, I need your help. I don't know what to tell her. What should I say? How do I say it?

Only you can tell her how much you love her. My only advice is to make sure she believes what you're saying is true. Her sister's soft voice replied.

But…what if I don't say it right? What if my words are all wrong?

There is no right or wrong way to tell someone you love them. You'll be fine, you're my big sister after all.

Lightning couldn't help but smile at the last part. With Serah close to her Lightning felt like she could do anything.

Thanks, Serah.

With newly found confidence and courage Lightning returned the tear to Snow. The lot of them decided on staying another night in Oerba. They needed to plan what they would do next since it seemed that Oerba led to nowhere. This gave Light plenty of opportunity to ready herself.


"Fang," Lightning's voice came from behind the tall, Oerban woman.

It had grown dark a while ago and Fang hadn't even gone back inside to eat dinner. She wasn't all that hungry yet. She still stood at the side of the house thinking. A quick pain stung her gut when she heard her name but it wasn't Vanille's voice calling it. She didn't respond.

"I've decided on something, Fang." Light continued. "I want to marry Vanille."

Those five words hit Fang like a brick. She didn't know what to feel…what to think…her brain was hollow and numb. Even so she still kept a cool face and looked forward at the wall.

"I want to marry her but I want to make sure you're okay with it."

"Since when have you ever cared about how I felt about you and Vanille?" Now she was getting mad.

"What do you mean since when I have ever cared? Don't you remember when I left?" Lightning raised her voice slightly.

"You left because of you! You were scared of your emotions so you left. It had nothing to do with me." Fang stepped forward away from the Soldier still with her back to the woman.

"No, I left because you were pissed off at me sleeping with Vanille." Lightning just watched the other woman's back.

Fang remembered that night when Lightning had left and Vanille cried. She remembered blaming herself for making Lightning leave and now the Soldier had just confirmed that blame without even realizing it. Another pain sunk Fang's stomach.

"Did you ever think that maybe I was afraid?" Fang finally turned to the woman hands on her hips and an outraged facial expression. "Did you ever stop to think for two seconds that maybe, just maybe, I was scared?" She was shouting now. "Vanille is the only thing I have left! I don't have a damn home to go to! I have no family! Vanille is my only family and I'll be damned if I'm going to let some Soldier take that away from me!"

"Fang, I'm not trying to take her away from you! I know what you and Vanille have and I would never take that apart!" Lightning unclenched her fists and took a deep breath. "I'm not taking her away, Fang, all I'm doing is telling her how much I love her. I'm promising her my love and life that's all. And if I ever break that promise I give you permission to kill me with my own blade."

"I don't need your permission, and if I was going to kill you I would have done it a long time ago." Fang's voice had also calmed down. She turned her head unable to meet Light's eyes. "Say I do go along with this? Where's that leave me? Wandering Cocoon and living on the streets?"

"Live with us, I have enough space for all of us and you don't need to pay me rent." Lightning suggested.

Fang whipped her head back and shouted her loudest yet, "Why? So I can listen to you to go at it again? So I can hear to you defile my best friend?"

Lightning's face turned to guilt. Her eyes shifted to the ground and stayed there for what seemed like an eternity.

"Fang, I… It wasn't like that. She asked me to make love to her and I tried to stop her-"

Fang cut her off with more screaming, "But you didn't! You kept going!"

"What was I supposed to do Fang?" More shouting. "What was I supposed to say? 'Oh, I'm sorry, Vanille, I don't love you enough to make love to you'? Is that what you wanted me to say? Because if you do then I'm sorry but I can't. I do love her enough to make love to her. I love her enough to lay down my blade for her! Now I'm asking for your blessing…but I can live without it."

Fang shook her head and shoved past the Soldier. She stormed into the house slamming the door behind her and turned to face the two bunk beds. With a sigh she leaned forward onto the top bunk's frame and hung her head.

What do I do?


Vanille crouched before her beloved robot Bhakti who was beeping happily as she played with him. His mechanical ears lifted and fell expressing his joy. Even though she sat playing with her little friend Vanille wasn't smiling. She had heard shouting outside. Fang and Lightning were fighting probably over her. She thought this was over, that Fang was okay with it. Why couldn't her best friend and girlfriend get along? Didn't they know that it was hurting Vanille the most? No matter how hard she tried nothing ever worked. If they kept fighting like this…she would leave them both.

Fang stormed in suddenly and slammed the door behind her. Vanille didn't bother looking back. The girl had heard part of the argument realizing Fang's deep fear of losing her best friend. It had never occurred to the young Pulsian that her friend was so insecure about their relationship. It made Vanille wonder if she had shown any signs of ditching Fang while being with Lightning. She could never do such a thing.

She turned her head to see Fang now lying in the bed, still in her shoes even, facing the wall. Hope gave her a concerned look but she just shrugged. Vanille stood up and slowly walked over to the bed. For a moment she glanced at Snow and Sazh.

Snow cleared his throat, "We'll just be outside if you need us."

"But it's dark out." Hope could be so wool-headed sometimes.

"Just come on, Hope," Snow shook his head and pushed the boy lightly out of the door.

Vanille smiled as the others left but soon returned to her earlier frown.

"Hey, Fang, are you mad at me?" Vanille asked sheepishly.

For a long moment Fang was silent. Vanille had begun to think the older Pulsian had gone to sleep before Fang slowly sat up across the bed.

"No, Vanille, I'm not mad." She didn't meet the girl's eyes.

"I won't leave you. I promise I won't. You've been my best friend since we were young and I could never replace you with anyone. You're like my big sister!"

Fang didn't move.

"I love Lightning, Fang, but I love you too. I love you both just not in the same way. Lightning is my girlfriend and you're my sister. Not even becoming Cie'th could make me forget you."

This time Fang did turn her head to look at the young girl and smiled pulling her into a hug.

"I'm sorry, Vanille, I should have known you wouldn't leave me. I just got a little nervous with you hanging around Sunshine all of the time." Fang gave a small laugh which Vanille joined in with her own.


Light peeked into the small window of the door. She was about to go inside and apologize to Fang when she noticed the others leave and Vanille standing by Fang.

She must have heard us fighting.

Lightning stepped away from the door to give the two some privacy and took a seat on the edge of the platform with the others.

"So you and Fang got into a fight, huh?" Sazh attempted to strike conversation.

"Yeah, we probably shouldn't have shouted right next to the house." Light shrugged.

"Was it about Vanille?" Hope asked curiously.

"Yeah it was."

"Oh, I hope everything turns out alright for you guys." Hope gave her shoulder a squeeze.

"Me too, Hope." She gave a sigh and looked down at her boots.

A long while passed full of silence and a bit of anxiety among the four waiting outside. There had been no shouting yet so the two Oerbans weren't fighting thankfully. Still, it was agonizing waiting to see what Fang would have to say to Lightning after talking with Vanille. A sudden thought hit Lightning.

What if…she convinces Vanille to break up with me? The thought made her stomach sink like a rock. Stop being so pessimistic, Light. She tried to push the negativity out of her body. Vanille cared about Fang deeply and if her best friend wasn't happy then she would do whatever it took to make the older Pulsian happy again.

"Hey," Fang took seat next to her. "Sorry I yelled at'cha earlier."

"No, I shouldn't have told you so suddenly that I wanted to marry Vanille."

"Actually, I'm glad you did. Vanille managed to convince me that you've never felt like this for anyone so it must be real. And if not…I'll take you up on that threat you offered earlier. Although, I don't think she knows about you wantin' to propose." Fang pushed Light's shoulder lightly.

"Thanks, Fang, and good it's going to be a surprise for her." Light flashed her thankful smile.

It felt as if a giant weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. She knew this time Fang wasn't worried anymore. Now she could propose to Vanille in peace and Fang could even be there to witness the promise if she wanted. Right at this moment, Lightning's life was pretty great.


I hope that chapter was decent enough. I had some trouble with dialogue and maybe Fang accepted the two a bit too fast after her talk with Vanille? I dunno but I tried!