Disclaimer: See last chapter

~ Chapter Nine ~

~ "A dreamer dreams she'll never die" ~

I managed to hide my set back from everyone, glad to be back home. Nobody knew what I had done, and I didn't expect anyone to find out. It was my little secret, and I was going to keep it that way. I sighed as I looked at the deep cut in the mirror, I couldn't wear short sleeves for a little while but it didn't matter, I hardly did anyway.

I put on a fake smile as I walked down the stairs, I couldn't let Emily think something was wrong. It had been a whole week since what I had come to call my set back, and I was determined to get back to normality. Henry jumped on me as I got to the bottom of the stairs, grinning at me and kissing me gently on the cheek as I lifted him up.

"You going to have anything to eat?" Emily bit her lip in worry, noticing she hadn't been eating much. I shook my head, putting Henry down to put his jacket on, I was back on my usual one meal a day routine. I had gained weight recently, and I knew that when Will was okay again, he wouldn't like it, I would only have to lose it all again when he said so.

"I will grab something on the way." She smiled up at me, walking into the bathroom before shouting goodbye. I always left before her, she liked to be late for some strange reason. I lifted Henry back up again, before shutting the door behind me.

"JJ!" I looked at Hotch as I walked in, I had to drop Henry off at nursery to Emily had met me outside work, both of us walking in at the same time,

"We all have a new case, boardroom now."

"What kind of case?" Morgan asked,

"Kidnapping." Hotch had to do the briefing as I knew nothing of the case, the phone call had been made directly to him that morning. It was a long case, one that took me away from the one person I loved more than anything – Henry. But I knew I should be used to it by now, it was harder without Will to take care of him but if things went my way then that would be sorted out soon.

I went out with the boys when we got back, Emily left early with the excuse of needing a hot bath. I got in late that night, sneaking into the house so not to wake anyone. I turned around, groaning when I saw Emily and Hotch standing there, waiting for me. I wondered what Hotch was doing there at this time in the morning, I felt like a teenager and they were my parents, They had been standing there, waiting for me to get home.

"We need to speak to you." Emily said as I walked in, luckily for me I wasn't that drunk, so I just stood there, looking at their faces of disappointment, I sighed, wondering what I had done wrong this time. Then my eyes wandered to the towel Hotch held up in his hands, I could feel my whole body shaking as I looked at the blood stained towel, recognising it immediately.

"No.. you.. uh... you don't understand." I tried to explain, I didn't know what to say to them.

"Where is the blood from Jennifer?" I looked up at him as he used my full first name, knowing I was in trouble.

"Please don't tell me this is what I think it is." Emily whispered, looking me up and down. I shook my head, trying to laugh,

"I cut myself shaving, I forgot to put the towel in the wash. Sorry!" I tried, trying to cover up my secret with more lies,

"No.. you don't get this much blood from an accidental shaving cut..."

"Oh? And what are you now? A doctor?" I glared at Hotch,

"Did you cut yourself?" Emily whispered, her eyes wide with worry,

"No... please.. don't do this..." I whispered, almost to myself,

"Tell me the truth, it's me JJ, you can tell me." She took a few steps forward, grabbing my arms from my sides. I shook my head, trying to pull them away,

"No." I muttered, looking away as she rolled up my sleeves, gasping,

"Why?" I shrugged,

"I am so sorry." I murmured as tears fell down my face.

"I have ruined everything, I didn't mean to.. I don't know why I did it. You weren't supposed to find out." I fell to the floor as I cried, leaning into Emily as she wrapped her arms around me.

"It's okay." I shook my head,

"It's not..I am so sorry."

"You should have told us." Hotch said, I looked up at him and nodded,

"I am so sorry... I just... I didn't want you to think I was creating problems for myself..."

"We understand that it's not going to be easy to get over it, you're my best friend and I want to be here for you whenever I can and stuff like this needs to be talked about."

"Sorry." I sobbed, pulling away to wipe away the tears, standing up,

"Well, long day.. I am off to bed." I said in my best press voice, Emily shook her head,

"We're phoning a doctor tomorrow... we think you need more help than we can give you." I shook my head,

"No, please.. they won't understand. I won't be allowed to go to work." I cried,

"We think you've come back too soon." Hotch took a step forward,

"No! I am fine really, I won't do it again. I am sorry, I really won't." I started to panic, I couldn't lose this job. I didn't want to see some stupid doctor. I needed to cut so badly right then, and then my world began to spin as my chest tightened. It was getting too hard to breath. I tried to focus on my breaths, and then the last thing I remember is someone calling my name. And then everything went black, and there my children were again.