Burning Embers, 1899--


I had caught her off-guard.
That was the only excuse I gave myself as to her behaviour. Surely, that had to be it! She'd never given a damn about me before, hardly ever seemed to know I existed, and now, after weeping openly in my presence, she called me her truest friend?
Stupid. Ridiculous. Absolutely mad.
It was simple, I argued with myself. Satine was upset. I was there. It's the most natural thing in the world, it could have happened to anyone. Had it been Arabia and not Nini, Môme Fromage and not Nini, she would have acted the exact same way.
Right?
She had cast me into doubt, and I didn't appreciate it at all. It made me angry, that the first step of my grand scheme to save the Moulin should go down in flames, simply due to a few little tears. It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair that I should have had to go through so much emotional turmoil to at first feel happy, and then be plunged into the darkest depths of regret. Not fair at all.
A shadow of worry fell on me, and wouldn't leave me for the rest of the day. Even when rehearsals closed (with Satine looking radiant, as always), after the Moulin's usual nightly festivities, and several glasses of alcohol, the shadow stayed with me like a persistent cold. Maybe, it whispered to me when my mind wasn't occupied with other things, maybe you've got her all wrong. Maybe she's not how you think. Maybe you should give her a chance...
Oh, shut up! I roared at it during one of its more vigorous recitals. What the Hell do you know about it? Shut up!
Marie's shocked voice bypassed the shadow's instance. What's the meaning of such language? And such rudeness!
I'm sorry, Marie, I apologised quickly. I wasn't talking to you, I just... I stopped there, thinking how strange it would sound to say I was just talking to the voice inside my head'. Instead I just shook my head. It's nothing. Nothing at all.
Are you quite all right? she asked, a little more gently. You've been seeming awfully strange as of late. Are you ill?
I...no, Madame, I don't think so. I paused. Have I?
She nodded a little, concern creeping into her voice. So distant. Like you've lost a spark. If you want, I could ask M. Zidler to...
I nearly shouted in her face. No! I...I'm all right, Marie, I'm all right! I just...I just need time to think about things, that's all.
Marie smiled sympathetically. I know what this is all about, she said. Don't try to hide it from me.
My heart plummeted to the pit of my stomach as I heard those words. I...you do?
Oh, yes, she said, then added conspiratorially. It's just the stress, that's all. These rehearsals are always a stressful time, Nini, believe me, I know! But don't worry, dear. Soon they'll be over with and you'll feel much better. Much more relaxed.
I can tell you, mes amis, that I already felt much more relaxed, but nodded. Oui, Madame, I'm sure you're right. Yes, it's just these silly rehearsals! Stress and all that.
She nodded and lay a hand on my shoulder gently. Right. Now you just trot off to bed, young lady. You'll feel much better after a long night's rest.
I knew that no amount of sleep could help to cure me, but I did not tell her that and instead went to my room.

I asked her later as we lay in our beds. Suppose...suppose you knew that someone was doing something that you didn't think was right... my speech was getting lamer by the minute. And that it would hurt people you knew dearly, and yourself, but...but when you tried to confront the person, they made you feel like crap for trying to persuade them from doing what they wanted to do...what would you do?
China Doll looked at me for a moment, trying to figure out just what the Hell I was saying (and, personally, I couldn't blame her). After a while she answered, puzzled. Well, I guess...God, Nini...I suppose I would drop the subject. Is it anyone I know?
No! No, it's...what do you call it, hypothetical?
What's that?
Never mind. But you'd leave it all alone, even if it meant that bad things would happen because of it?
Well, I don't know, she said. The thing is, Nini, why would you want to get involved in the first place? I mean, if it doesn't directly involve you, I think you should stay out of everybody's way and see how it plays out.
But Goddamn it, China! I barked. I don't want to get fucked, either!
the voice was Marie's, from somewhere down the hall. Any more language like that and I'll bring it up with M. Zidler.
Oui, Madame, I called back, then dropped my voice, continuing. You see what I'm in, don't you? Should I try to do something, or not?
Oh, God, Nini, she groaned, closing her eyes. I don't know! Can't you just drop it and go to sleep?
I growled, pounding my pillow and settling down. Fine! I'll just leave it alone. Are you happy now?
I'd be happier if you'd just let me sleep, she grumbled, and I heard the mattress creak as she rolled over. After a while I could here her soft breathing deepen, becoming regular as she fell asleep. I, on the other hand, was unable to do so. My brain was tearing itself apart over my dilemma, the little voice of doubt mocking me at every turn. Goddamn it, this wasn't fair!
After a while my unwelcome guest was interrupted by laughter coming from the street below. I propped myself up on my elbow and looked outside, peering through the night to the streets below. On a side street, near the Hôtel L'amoure, I could see two figures twirling in the moonlight, oblivious to everything around them as they were lost in their dance.
You can tell everybody this is your song...
Satine and her Englishman. Of course. Who else could it possibly be, besides the scourge of my existence and her paramour? The moonlight caught in her hair, highlighting the pale skin and fragile frame that customers shelled out so much for night after night. The Englishman, Christian, was doing his best to appear handsome and dashing, but he may as well have looked like a pile of horse shit next to the glory that was Satine.
As I watched their shadows play in the light-- dancing, embracing, laughing-- I began to feel a burning deep inside that only increased with every glance. I felt my cheeks get hot and growled, my anger rising. If I can't be happy, I vowed to myself, well, why should she be granted that? I didn't care that it was me she turned to when she was upset, I didn't care that she had called me her truest friend. I didn't need friends! I didn't want friends! And I most certainly did not want to be her friend!
No more hesitation, Nini, no more worry. No more second-guessing, no more regrets. The Moulin was going down in flames with each kiss, each touch, each song, and there was only one person that could stop it. Me! No, I wasn't going to let Harry down, not him, not Marie, or China Doll or Chocolat...I wasn't about to let them wither and die while Satine kept up her flirtations.
Something happened that night, something that I can't truly explain, but experienced all the same. I think...I think something died in me that night, as I watched the lovers dance in the window. Whatever loyalty I may have had towards Satine withered away, while a new feeling-- a renewed loyalty to the Moulin, to my home-- welled in its place.
There would be no more regrets.