Richard Castle was by and large considered a man to be reckoned with; a sorcerer of words, his spin would have all agreeing with him. He was persuasive, good looking and had the unique ability to convince people to do things his way while making them think it was all their idea – until later, if things went wrong. He had an agent, publisher, two ex-wives and assort ex girlfriends to prove it, not to mention a criminal record with no convictions, charges all dropped. Then there was Kate Beckett.
Kate had a unique ability herself. She possessed the ability to see beyond the face of an individual and into the mind. She was a human lie detector even when the person speaking to her was not exactly lying, just not letting go of the whole truth - lying by omission. She knew usually. The better she knew someone the easier to spot the "tells" in their behavior. The one person she knew better than herself was one Richard Edgar Castle. He was not telling her the real 'why' of why he wanted to marry her. His "tells" were anxiety, fidgeting, lack of ability to express himself in a cogent way, jumping from subject to subject and looking everywhere but at the person he was speaking to, namely her in this case. Not everyone would catch it because some of it was extremely subtle but for someone who for the last three years made Castle watching a full time hobby, it was as obvious as his blue eyes.
Castle had experience in asking women to marry him, for pity sake. For that matter he was experienced with women in general and in some ways she Beckett was very thankful for his vast array of experience there. But, when a man of Castle's caliber began stammering a variety of reasons as to why they should get married when he had not mentioned it or even alluded to it previously, Kate's senses picked up the invisible lies. Less than two weeks ago he was making derogatory remarks regarding marriage and his 'blood sucking ex-wives' to quote him. She knew there was more to it than love, a love that she wasn't sure she fully trusted yet anyway. It had happened too fast. She admitted to herself that she had loved him for well over a year and they had a very good 'friend' relationship, but they need time to grow into a 'couple' relationship. Love could only help so much.
Kate Beckett stared at Richard Castle while he was swimming in the muck he had created. "Well, Castle? You hate marriage. You have said that how many times?" She sipped her chocolate milkshake. "Just a few weeks ago, you told me that the model you were dating could be the future Mrs. Ex-wife." She cocked an eyebrow at him and waited. Good thing about Castle, if he was nervous, you could wait him out.
Castle wasn't quite sure how to defend himself. Everything she had said was true. He held up his hand to her, acknowledging that he had heard the question but needed a moment to compose his thoughts. Ok. The truth. Her style of truth not his own. "I love you. First and foremost, I love you. You believe that, right?" He waited for her to nod before continuing. "You asked why did I want to marry you now and the answer is very, very simple. I am afraid I am going to lose you and her if you find Jordon's father." He held up his hand and she opened her mouth, her eyes wide. "I was going to ask you to marry me eventually. After you moved in and became comfortable with whom I am, really. Not just Richard Castle the Author or Castle, your sometimes partner and friend, but who my family is or at least my maternal side. You know that my mother has never told me who my father was and I told myself I didn't care until a Lanie said that my brother was the father of Jordon."
Castle stopped his narration and took Beckett's hand. His blue eyes beseeching her to understand what he was going to say next. "I know you. I know that now that you have a direction to search, you are going to find Jordon's natural father and tell him. This will stir up memories and issues that go way beyond Jordon and you. " He took a deep breath before continuing. "This will affect my mother and me. Plus think of the fact that he may not want Jordon and Jordon will have to go through the pain of being rejected by someone that should love her beyond all reason."
Beckett had listened with both mind and heart to all that Castle said. She knew there was more but he had delivered the salient facts of his surprising proposal. In fact, she understood his fears and qualms but that didn't change the fact that the primary reason she felt he wanted to marry was for Jordon and not herself.
"Castle, would you have asked me to marry you if there was no Jordon?" She looked him in the eye, demanding the truth. "I mean until less than a week ago, you and I were friends, just friends and coworkers. We might have both had a 'secret love' but there was nothing tangible, nothing to lead me believe there was more between us. Now, you want to fly off to Las Vegas and get married by an Elvis preacher in the Chapel of Nevermore, Nevermore."
"Yes, eventually. Elvis, Kate?"Castle couldn't help it. He began laughing. Seconds later he heard female accompaniment. They settled and looked at each other, hilarity broke out again. The strain of the last few days had been broken. "Never would I say let's get married by an Elvis impersonator. Though Las Vegas is a good idea." He grinned at her, loving the shared moment. "Our 'secret love' was tangible enough for everyone at the precinct to see. They have all been waiting for this for well over two years. In fact, I think everyone that knows us has been waiting for it."
"No way, Castle." She insisted, but had a sinking feeling that she had not covered her emotions as well as she thought.
"Let me line up the evidence for you, Detective." Castle smiled at her pout. "Let me count the ways I love you. The coffee I bring you several times a day. The dinners I deliver to you, of many assortments may I add? The way I let you yell at me when you are frustrated beyond belief over a case, the way I let you beat me up in the gym and out shoot me at the firing range. The fact I have dedicated not one but two books to you. And in one of those books, page 105. Shall I go on?" Kate's face turned a rosy hue. Castle continued. "Now the ways you love me? The little looks and touches, you allowing me to stay by your side long after you know I have enough material last me the rest of my life, the way you make sure to call me any time there is a case, the way you have allowed Alexis into your life, and the fact that when I am out of town, you always call me several times on some pretense, except for that summer in the Hamptons' which we still have to talk about. And the way you stayed in the bathroom for an hour with page105."
Beckett shook her head. "Damn," Beckett eyes widened in shock, "but the man is right." It was all there. The evidence had accumulated while she was busy denying the existence of their feelings. Her smile fell from her face. Her feelings that he wanted to marry her now to keep Jordon from a father she didn't know and his existence secret from a family that he didn't know still weighed into the decision of whether or not they should get married. Secrets had a way of coming out in the worst ways. She had always wondered if Martha really didn't know who the father of her son was or if she was protecting him from something. Beckett knew Martha might be flighty, capricious, and shortsighted, but she loved her son with all that she was.
"Well, are you going to marry me?" Castle asked, taking her hand again, appearing to be patient but internally was jumping down, hoping for a positive response.
"I want you to know that I love you."Beckett began. She saw his face stiffen and felt the same in his hand. "I want nothing more to marry you but I think we should wait for now. Our feelings have simmered for years. We did nothing with them. Now they are bonfire, burning bright. What started this blaze is Jordon." She had hoped if she used metaphors maybe the writer in him would help the man to understand that she wasn't refusing him, just pushing it on the backburner until she was sure that it was her he wanted more than keeping a secret or being a father again. "I need to know, to feel that the reason you asked me to marry you was because of me not because of outside factors."
Castle understood. He didn't like it, but he understood. "How can I prove it to you? Jordon exists. Her sperm donor exists." He pulled his hands away from Beckett. "Kate, I can't prove anything to you. You have to believe me. All those other factors exist. They cannot be denied and they are part of the reasons I want to marry you but, the main and unassailable reason I want to marry you is that you are as necessary to me for my life as the air I breath, the food I eat and world that exists around me."
Kate's eyes glowed with unshed tears. Had he said all this in the beginning they would be selecting an engagement ring now, but the seed had been planted. She had to know without a doubt that she was the reason he wanted to marry her. "Rick…" She trailed off not sure what more to say.
"We'll put this discussion on hold right now." Castle sighed. "What are you going to tell Jordon about her father? She is your daughter. She is going to want to find him." He said dryly. "I don't want her to be hurt because her father may be a lot like her grandfather."
Beckett had a feeling that there was something going on that she didn't understand, something about Castle's life. "What is it? Why shouldn't I try to find the man that is Jordon's natural father?" She asked, hoping that he would answer.
Castle looked around the Remy's. They were sitting in a back booth and there were only a few other tables occupied. He lowered his voice. "I honestly didn't know I had a sibling. I never really thought about, if I did, it was in the abstract. I saw my father one time on the night he died." Castle moved to her side of the table. They sat knee to knee. He laid his hands on her thighs and leaned forward. "This cannot go any further than you and I. My mother doesn't even know that I remember if she remembers what happened at all. We have never spoken about that night."
