Alright. I do not own Star Trek, and I do not make a profit of this.
Long time no see. Here you go.
11/3/2013: One of the guest reviewers stated this chapter was painful to read because of the many grammar errors, so I took another look at this chapter. He (I think it was a he) was correct. I am sure that I didn't catch them all, but I caught a lot of them and this chapter reads better now. YAY. :) Here is an updated vision of Chapter 9.
Chapter 9:
Death of the Soul
He sighed as he walked to the transporter room. He would rather stay onboard the beloved Enterprise and worked than waste his time at that stupid party. He had this great idea which could theoretically increase the engine's output by 6.123%, and he would need the silence to work out the details. He paused as he looked down at his P.A.D.D. He had to get everything figured out, if he wanted to present his idea to the Captain.
Scotty sighed again. He didn't know why he bothered, considering the fact that Pitts wouldn't even listen. He knew the Captain had other things to do and his ideas were a bit risky, but he would at least like some consideration before shooting his ideas to hell. This was one of the reasons why he missed Jim. Jim would listen to him and give him valuable feedback, even though he would turn him down in the end. In fact, Jim would do that to anyone who had an idea. He made time for his crew and tried to ease the barrier between the captain and the crew. Jim thought it made the ship run smoother.
That could've been the reason why it hit Jim so hard when the crew 'deserted' him after the 'incident.' Jim never talked to him about the action that Spock accused him of, but he knew how hard Jim took it. And he didn't have to be a genius, which he was, to know that Jim didn't do it; however, he couldn't figure out why Jim didn't do anything about it. He was the Captain, and there were numerous things that he could've done. (Sure, he ran the ship top notch, but everything else he didn't.) Scotty could only assume that Jim didn't have the will or the inter-strength to do something, which surprised him, because Jim wasn't the type of guy, who would sit back and do nothing.
Though not all of the 437 onboard the Enterprise treated Jim with a lack of respect, it felt like it, and that feeling could drain anyone. That was why he and Chekov refused to pay any attention to the rumors, though that was difficult.
The doors slid open to the Transporter room, and Scotty walked in. "Ello," he said, glancing around the room. Looking to be asleep, Sulu stood next to the door. Chekov stood behind the control panel for the transporter with two red shirts, and Uhura was leaning against the far wall, reading a P.A.D.D. McCoy, Spock, and Pitts were the only one missing for the transport, but Scotty wasn't worry. Instead, he made his way over to Chekov after no one had responded to him.
"Hov are you, Mister Scott?" Chekov asked when Scotty arrived.
"I'm doin' alright, Chekov," he responded as he looked over to what the Russian was doing. "Just workin' on something, but I be wastin' my time." Scotty scrolled down the P.A.D.D. looking over the schematics for his idea. He had put so much energy into it.
"Vhat? The Kaptain von't." Chekov took the P.A.D.D. out of Scotty's hand and looked over it. "I knov he's tough, but he von't shoot it dovn."
"He will," Scotty said, taking back the device.
"Ki-" Chekov started when the door slid open to reveal McCoy, who seemed to be semi rested.
The Doctor looked around. "Waiting on the Captain and the hobgoblin, I see." He was still grumpy.
"Yea, they should be here soon," Sulu answered. None of the gang seemed too happy about the Federation event, but they had no choice in the matter. If they were ordered, they would go. They had no other choice in the matter.
"This is a waste of time," McCoy snorted.
Uhura straightened up. "I wouldn't say that. This is an opportunity of a life time, where we can network and make a name for ourselves."
"We've already made a name for ourselves," Sulu cut in. "Sure, it can be an opportunity for us, but that isn't the point for our presence. We-"
"That's enough. There's no need to fight," Scotty said. It seemed that all they did lately was nitpick, and it made Scotty want to pull his hair out. Last time he checked, he worked on a starship and not in a day care. He didn't know why they were acting like children. They never acted like this when Kirk was around.
"Mister Scott's right," Chekov said, stepping away from the control panel. "Ve are supposed to be a team. It's important."
As Chekov spoke, Captain Pitt had entered the room. "Yes, Mister Chekov's correct. Being a team is important." He glanced around the room and made his way over to the transporter in silence. "Are we ready?"
"What about Commander Spock?" Uhura asked.
"He'll be down later. Let's get going," Pitts ordered. They didn't have time to be waiting around, as they had things to do. Making sure he had his P.A.D.D., Scotty was the last one on the transporter. "Energize."
*O*O*
The Enterprise had arrived a few days early, which meant that the officers had a few days off to enjoy themselves, which was nice. They needed it. Uhura was relaxing using some of her culture traditions. Sulu was training and tending to plant life that he took from the planet. McCoy was trying to read old Terrain Classics, but his mind was wandering. Spock, still on the Enterprise, was locked up in his quarters doing something Vulcan. And Captain Pitts…No one really knew what he was doing with his time…It was assumed by the crew that he was talking to Admiral Pike, who had arrived a day before they did. They didn't care what he was doing as long as he was alive and safe.
Chekov and Scotty had just returned from the Enterprise as they had been working on Scotty's new schematics for the engines. It was a relaxing to get their hands on it. Scotty walked a little behind Chekov, who was talking off a storm about Russian engineering. It was adorable to listen to the Russian ramble, but it did not help Scotty, whose mind was wandering. Forcing himself to listen to Chekov wasn't difficult, but he was distracted easily. For example, the U.S.S. Constellation of the Constitution Class had caught his eyes and stopped him.
It wasn't as if the Constellation could compare to the Enterprise in Scotty's eyes, but it still was an impressive ship. It had been one of the ships that many people desired to serve on. Before the Enterprise was built, he had desired to work on that ship, but it was a desire that never came true. Instead, he was forced upon a cold ass planet, because of a failed field test. However, there was a bright side to that story, which started with the famous James T. Kirk. Damn, he missed that man.
"Mister Scott?" Chekov, who had stopped a few yards away, called. "Is there something vrong?"
"I'm just checkin' out the Constellation." The ship had only arrived a few minutes ago and was still in post docking procedures.
As he walked over, Chekov said, "It's an impressiwe ship, Sir."
It was and it made Scotty wondered why they needed so many starships presented. What or who were they trying to impress? "What are we up to?" Scotty went to leave, but he didn't get too far. It was Chekov's turn to be distracted. "What is it, Chekov?"
"Kirk."
"What?"
"It's Kirk! It's Kirk." He pointed off in a direction, but by the time Scotty had looked, he only saw Captain Pitts. What was Pitt up to?
"Are you sure?" Scotty stepped toward the direction that Chekov pointed at. "I see only Captain Pitts."
"It was Kirk."
*o*o*
Jim had made it back to his quarters somehow, but he wasn't sure how he did it by himself. (He had refused to allow Aurelan to walk him back.) He needed time alone to think. He hadn't had that in a while. Sitting down on the bed, he rested his head on hands, and he allowed himself a few seconds of silence for that was all he could give himself as he was due in the transporter room in a few minutes. He lifted his head, reminding himself that he had to be strong. That he needed to move forward. Standing up, Jim reached for his jacket and bag and flung them over his shoulder.
He told himself that this was the first step in a long journey, and if he could do this, the rest would fall into place. It did fall into place when he stepped off the transporter in the orbital space station. He felt better that he had been able to take the first step, even though he was faced with something that he wasn't expecting as he materialized.
"Hello, Jim."
Jim hadn't expected to see him so soon, though he knew he was going to see him eventually especially after the way he had left him. Pike had thought that he was watching a dead man ride off. "Hello, Admiral Pike," Jim responded.
As the crew of the Constellation wasn't due to disembark for a few more hours, there weren't many people in the room. Other than a few red shirts, there was an older gentlemen in gold (according to his uniform, a Captain), Pike, and Aurelan who stood behind Jim.
"How are you?" Pike, whose eyes pierced through Jim, asked.
Oh, how he hated that question. What could he say to that? Nothing much. A bit of depression. No answer would satisfy Admiral Pike, and telling the truth wouldn't do any good. "Decent, and how are you?" It was always polite to ask about the other person, and it got them to talk about themselves and not you.
"Been Busy. Still Busy, so let's cut down to business," Pike responded, motioning to the doors.
*o*o*
After saying bye to Aurelan, Jim followed Pike and the Captain out of the transporter room and down a long corridor. Pike and the Captain were talking, but Jim wasn't sure of what they were talking about. His mind was wandering back toward the Enterprise and how he wished he was still the captain of the ship, but he wasn't and he wouldn't after everything that had happened.
"Kaptain Pitts!" It had pulled Jim out of his thoughts and stopped him as well as Pike and the Captain.
Jim turned, recognizing a Russian accent, and his heart softened a bit. Chekov had a way to get him to smile with his cute innocent hyper self. Facing the man, he felt his heart beat slowed when he saw that it wasn't Chekov. He wouldn't admit to it, but he wished it was Chekov.
"Kaptain Pitts," the Russian called again, once he was a few feet away.
But then again, it was probably a good thing that it wasn't Chekov. What would he say to him or any of his crew? 'Oh, sorry for leaving without saying goodbye.' 'I just had to get away.' 'I couldn't be Captain of the Enterprise anymore, as you all suck." There wasn't anything that he could say.
"Ensign?" Pitts turned to face the young man.
"Kaptain, I'm reporting on the status of the Enterprise. You vanted it as soon as possible"
The Captain nodded. "I do, but I have a meeting, so send the report to my quarters."
Turning his attention away from the ensign, Jim focused on Captain Pitts, who must be the new captain of the Enterprise. Though Jim hadn't expected to run into the new Captain, he wasn't as he imagined. For some reason, a part of him thought Spock would've been made Captain, as he had proven himself time and time again. He had all the skills needed to run a Starship. Anyhow, Captain Pitts wasn't what he envisioned. He didn't envision him to be so old. Okay, he wasn't that old, but he wasn't young either. He couldn't go running through the hills if an away mission went wrong. Being physical fit was important in any Captain. It meant life or death.
"Let's get going," Pitts said. Pike nodded.
Jim glanced toward the direction that the Ensign ran off in. Half of him wanted to go with him, but the other half wanted to walk away. He wasn't ready to deal with the past just yet. He missed that ship so much that it hurt to see it. He had no one else to blame, because it was his choice to walk away.
To walk away from the most important thing in his life.
It hurt. It felt like he had ripped his own arm off, but he had no other choice. It was for the best…or was it? He had doubted himself the second he turned in his resignation papers. Did he make the right decision? Was his logic clouded? Did he make the decision too soon? He did wonder. He wondered a lot, and seeing the Enterprise and the new Captain made him doubt everything. It filled him with despair and desire for everything that he had. He would be lying if he said he didn't want it back. He wanted it back, but he couldn't have anything that he wanted. He didn't trust anyone at that moment.
*o*o*
Jim paused at the doors that Pike and Pitts had disappeared through. He had some idea of why Pike wanted to talk; however, he wasn't sure why he would. The Enterprise had a Captain, so why did they need to talk to him? There wasn't anything that they could do.
He had to move, he told himself. He couldn't just stay at the door, because he had to make the next step. He stepped through the doors to see that Pike had already taken his seat behind the desk. Pitts was leaning against the far back wall, eyeing him. "Take a seat," Pike said, pointing to the chair across from him.
Jim hesitated for a second before he took the seat. Usually when someone was asked to sit, it was going to be a long conversion. He took a deep breath as he wasn't in the mood for a conversion. "How did you know I was onboard the Constellation?" he asked, cutting off Pike.
"Captain Decker had informed me immediately of your arrive on the Constellation," Pike informed him. "I was a bit surprised. I wasn't expecting you to come."
"I wasn't either," Jim muttered. This was the last place that he wanted to be.
Pike's eyebrow rose. "However, I'm glad you came. I've been worried about you. I thought I would be hearing about your death."
Jim had a hard time looking at Pike without feeling guilty. The man had been nothing but supporting since he met him. He was like a father to him, and without that, he didn't know where he would be. Dead most likely. "I know. Sorry about that."
"Sorry. Is that the only thing you can say? Sorry?" He picked up a stress ball and threw it at Jim. "I was worried about you, Jim!"
Making no movement to stop it, Jim was hit in the face. "I acted selfishly. I'm sorry." He picked up the stress ball that had landed in his lap. He knew this had to be an awkward situation for Pike.
"Alright." He paused. "Let's get to business," Pitts said, cutting off Pike again.
The awkwardness died down as they shifted away from his almost death.
Jim glanced toward the Captain, wondering what this business was. He had already figured that he would be talking to people about the Federation. What else did they want from him? "Which is?"
"Your reenlistment into Starfleet," Pike answered. Yep, the awkwardness was back.
Trying to hide his surprise, he broke out into laugher. He didn't know if it was because he wanted to or because he wanted nothing to do with Starfleet. He decided it was the ladder one. "Why would I do that?" There were a few reasons why he would, but Pike didn't need to know about them.
"Because Starfleet needs you."
"Needs me? Why would Starfleet need me? I'm just one person." He folded his arms against his chest. If that was the case, he wouldn't have been sent through the ringer. The trial was a joke as the lawyers and the judge hid behind stupid rules and protocols.
"The universe needs Captain James T. Kirk," Pitts commented, stepping toward Jim. "You made a name for yourself that no one else can fill."
"I didn't get there alone," Jim muttered.
"No, you didn't, but you were leading force. The Enterprise needs her Captain back," Pike said.
Jim stared. "The Enterprises has a Captain and it's him," he said, pointing to Captain Pitts.
"It's only temporary," Pitts inputted. "I'm retiring soon, kid."
Ignoring the fact that Pitt had called him a kid, Jim said, "Why would you pick a temporary Captain?" He knew it was a stupid question. He knew he was the reason. They wanted to give him time to change his mind, but could he do that? He had resigned, and though he could be mistaken, he wasn't sure he could come back unless he wanted to start from the ground up not that that bugged him, since he never really started at the bottom. He went straight to the captaincy.
"I figured you for a smart guy," Pitts said as he crossed to Pike's shoulder.
"I don't want the Enterprise back," he lied. His reaction to seeing the ship had told him that. If he was truly over that ship, he wouldn't have acted like he had been shot in the heart.
"Really? Who wouldn't want that ship," Pitts said, pointing to a monitor on the wall that suddenly pictured the docked Enterprise. "What can compare to that ship? Nothing. Starfleet is about adventure and discovery, which you don't have as a bartender."
"How do you know about that?" Jim didn't know much about this old Captain, but apparently, he knew about him.
"Reenlist, Kirk."
Jim took a deep breath before he spoke. "No."
"Jim," Pike breathed.
They needed to understand why. Though he wasn't happy with the regulations of Starfleet which only seemed to benefit those in charge, he couldn't captain the Enterprise, even if he wanted to. The crew didn't want him and that was all that matter. They wouldn't serve at their best if they didn't believe in him. "They don't trust or want me."
"I don't give a damn what they want. They're officers. They must follow orders," Pike snapped.
"Orders?! Orders don't God damn matter. It's trust that matters. Without that, nothing will succeed. I tried. I gave it my all, but they… You have the reports," Jim answered. During his last months as the captain, his approval rating has decrease by a significant percentage. Though Jim had never complained to Pike, it was a living hell. At the beginning, Jim could handle it, but after a while, it ate at him. His crew didn't trust him, and for a while, he didn't blame them as he didn't even trust himself, but that didn't mean that he wasn't pissed.
"I do, but I must say, I find them to be total bullshit," Pike said. He slid the reports to Jim, who made no movement toward them. "Total junk from children throwing tantrums. You're the best thing for that ship, even if they can't see it."
"No." He repeated. It was harder the second time.
"You can change the senior staff and choose a new First Officer," Pike responded.
That hit him. He didn't know why, considering if he was to take the Enterprise back that would be one of his conditions. "Pike." But taking the position away from Spock made his heart ache. Jim's eyes fell.
Pike glanced toward Pitts, who was leaning against the wall behind Jim. "If that doesn't persuade you, I can offer you a new ship in two years. Top of the line ship that will out class everything so far: the U.S.S. Providence."
Jim had heard of the ship before he had resigned. He would be lying if he said he hadn't drooled over the designs for that ship, which incubus specs from the Narada. He would love to captain that ship, but could he ever replace his love for the Enterprise? It was just a ship, right? No, it was more than that; however, he needed a change. Maybe, the U.S.S. Providence would give him that, but maybe, it wouldn't. How could he be sure? He had to be sure, because this was a major decision that would impact his good for nothing life…
He needed a change, because his life depended on it. That was what Gary was trying to make him see. He needed to take a risk or else nothing would happen. He wanted to move on in his life, and he needed to move forward.
It was life or death.
But was going back to Starfleet the right answer? He didn't always agree with Starfleet or the Federation, but he respected their mission. They had a purpose, and they were accomplishing it.
"Admiral Pike. I'm not longer with Starfleet. I have no right to a ship." Why couldn't he say no again?
"I don't hear no," Captain Pitts commented.
Sighing, Pike shot Pitts a warning glance. "Jim, you're still apart of Starfleet." He picked up a P.A.D.D. and slid it over to Jim, who paid no attention to it. "You have everything right to a ship."
"What are you talking about? I resigned from Starfleet." What was Pike talking about? Jim glanced to the device in front of him. Without picking it up, he could tell that it was his Starfleet profile.
Pike stood up and walked to the viewing screen on his wall. "I told you I wouldn't accept your resignation, and I didn't. If you look at the P.A.D.D., you'll understand."
What the hell did Pike do? Jim thought. He knew he wouldn't like it. Picking up the device, he glanced over his profile and froze as he saw the words at the bottom: 'Extended Medical Leave.' There was no word about his resignation. It was like he never handed it in; instead, it showed that he left the Enterprise for medical reasons. What the Fuck? What the hell did Pike do? Who gave Pike the right to decide for his life? Sure, he only meant to help, but what made his decision right? "Pike," he hissed. His anger was back. "What the hell?" He slammed down the P.A.D.D.
"Kirk," he said, switching to a formal tone. "As your superior officer, I had the right to deny your resignation based on the emotional condition that you were in." He stepped to his desk, and he stared hard into Jim's eyes.
"Emotional Condition? Are we Vulcans now?"
"Kirk, you can't deny that you made a rash decision?" Pike asked. "Your ra-"
"Pike," Jim growled. He glanced toward Pitts, who seemed to be watching him very carefully. He didn't know what Pitts knew, but he knew that he didn't want to talk about it in front of the stranger, his replacement. "No. This conversation is over." He stood up quickly.
"No, it isn't. As you're still enlisted in Starfleet, I can make it an order."
Jim laughed. "Well, I guess then I'll resign again." Did Pike really think he could stop him? He couldn't, even if there was a part of him that wanted him to.
"I won't accept it."
"What do you want from me?" Annoyed as he was, Jim tried to be reasonable. Sure, Pike was pissing him off, but he helped Jim, when he needed it. He owed him something. "What will make you accept my resignation?"
Pike walked over to the closet and pulled out two captain uniforms: one formal dress and one yellow regular uniform. He laid the uniforms down on the desk and sat down. "This will. I want you to attend the event as if you are on the medical leave, and after the event, if you still want to resign, I will accept it."
Jim narrowed his eyes. He wasn't sure how that would work. Didn't everyone already know that he had resigned (which was why he didn't understand how Pike had listed it as a medical leave in the first place)? His crazy mother knew. Those two idiot cadets he met in the bar knew. Decker knew. Gary knew. There was no telling who did, but he would play this game, if it meant he was gone. "That's it?" However, he was left with other questions. Why would Pike give up so easy? What game was he playing at? Did he think that he would change his mind? Did he want his mind changed?
"Yes."
Jim glanced over to Captain Pitts, whose eyes were hard to read. What was he getting out of this? There had to be something. "I'll do it." He didn't like the idea of being 'blackmailed,' but he had no other way. However, the question remained: did he want to 'rejoin' Starfleet? Pike had offered him two ships in a sense. Could he again turn his back on the Enterprise? His reaction to seeing the Enterprise had told him that he wasn't over the ship. His lack of desire at seeing the captain chair on the Constellation was also proof.
He didn't want to return to his boring life. He didn't want to be a bartender or a washed out Captain, who couldn't handle things when they got difficult. He wanted to do better than his counterpart, even if it was impossible. Even if he wanted something more, could he handle it? He could barely handle the Enterprise during his last months, but then again, he didn't give himself a chance. He let it go on. He let all of those glances go on. He was the Captain for crying out loud. He could've stopped it or at least did something.
"Good," Pike smiled.
Jim didn't like that smile. Pike was up to something. Pike's tone had changed. As he stood up, Jim kept a close eye on Admiral. "Is that all, Sir?" If Pike wanted him to play the part, then he would.
"Yes, Captain Kirk. That is all."
Jim stood there for a few seconds. God, he missed that titled. He knew he shouldn't allow himself to get attached to it, but he couldn't help it. He missed it.
He slowly picked up the uniforms and headed to the door. He wondered if he had made the right choice. Was it right to pretend that nothing had happened? He knew Pike didn't want him to pretend that everything was the same. He wanted to stop denying that something had happen and move on, but he couldn't help but wonder if this would hurt him in the long run.
*o*o*
McCoy enjoyed comforts, but he didn't need them. They served as a distraction, a distraction that only tormented him. Though it was needed, he had completely forgotten about James T. Kirk, and that ate at him. Maybe, Selek was right. He needed to worry about the present and leave Jim alone. His illogical attachment was only hurting him. He wasn't sleeping or eating well, and if he was his own damn patient, he knew what he would say. He needed to worry about himself. He needed to take care of himself, or else he would be listened as medically unstable. And if that happened, McCoy didn't know what he would do. He needed this. He needed his position as the Chief Medical Officer.
Shifting in his bed, McCoy stared at the off colored wall with a large photo that featured a war scene from the planet's history. It was a rather odd image of colors that were supposed to represent different armed forces. McCoy didn't know what to make of it, but he forced himself to think about it. It helped him get his mind off Jim, even if he didn't want to. That was where he stayed until the door to his room opened.
Pushing himself into a sitting position, he eyed Spock, who had entered the room. He hadn't seen Spock since Selek had come aboard the Enterprise. McCoy had to say it that he looked better than Spock, and it made him feel semi better, but it also made him worried. He had never seen Spock look like this. He looked like he had been hit by multiple busses. What the hell had happened?
"Spock, W-"
"I need your help hacking into the Medical Database," the Vulcan said, cutting off the Doctor.
"What? My help? Why?" McCoy's mind was racing.
Spock stepped closer to McCoy. He looked like he was suffering from some kind of injury. "McCoy, it is about Jim."
His heart stopped. "What about Jim?" McCoy stood from the bed, shaking.
"If you help me, I can show you." Spock made his way to the computer that was linked to the computers on the Enterprise. The purpose of the connection was to allow Doctor McCoy to keep an eye on the Sickbay.
McCoy knew that Jim could bring out illogical responses from Spock, but he never imaged this. "Alright, Spock. This has better be something. Breaking into the Medical Databases is serious."
"If anything happens, I will take full responsibility."
"No, you won't. We'll share it." They had never been good friends, but he could see how someone could be close with Spock. He was willing to do anything to protect the ones he cared about, even if he would deny it. "What do you need?"
Spock didn't even look up. "I need your medical codes. I need the access to the database before I can hack it." He paused, as McCoy's breath caught in his throat. "It will not be traced back to you."
McCoy took a deep breath. It didn't matter if it did or not, because as long as they found out about Jim, nothing else mattered. He would do anything for Jim…He just wished he had done that in the past, when he needed it. He hated himself for everything that he did, and he would make it up to the man.
*O*O*
*o*o*
"Are you done yet?" McCoy was a patient person, but that had gone out the window the second he handed over his codes. He would have to change them after this, not that he doubted Spock, but it was a security risk. Plus, he was the only one who was supposed to have those high ranking codes.
"No." It was a simple no, but it was filled with emotions that McCoy didn't think was possible for Spock. It only added to his worries.
It was taking longer than expected to hack the medical records. Spock's abilities were beyond anything that McCoy thought was possible, but the system was made to prevent hacks. In fact, Spock had worked on some of the specs, but that should've made it easy to hack, right? No, it seemed that Spock made sure that his specs were impossible to hack, even by himself. He would have to do a number on the system.
"Done." Spock responded a quarter of an hour later. He had successfully hacked into the system and gave himself the highest security ranking. If he was anyone else, it would've been a major problem; however, since he was he, it was safe. Spock had no interest in anything but Jim's medical record, which Spock had found in no time. He pulled up the record and scrolled down toward the end.
McCoy almost pushed Spock out of the way (not that he could), as he tried to read the file. There were much more than he expected there to be. What had happened to Jim, he asked himself. He thought he was going to faint as he noticed something in the file.
Jim had been Raped.
Raped.
How could he have missed that? He knew that Jim liked it hard at times, and he allowed that knowledge to affect his judgment, but how could he not see that something was wrong? How could he miss that? How could he have turned on his friend? His best friend?
He thought he was going to puke as he glanced over the official rape report. No, he was going to puke. He bolted from the desk to the restroom. After his stomach was empty, he filled the sink with water. He was tempted to drown himself as he felt sick to his stomach. How could he have betrayed Jim, when he needed him the most? No wonder, Jim left. He had seen a few rape victims before, and they needed all the support that they could get. He didn't doubt Jim's strength, but he doubted Jim's recovery. There was no one there when Jim needed it. That could kill anyone. Anyone.
Oh, Fuck.
McCoy felt sick again. He puked again.
O' God. What if Jim was dead? What if he killed himself? What if he couldn't have withstood the rape and the betrayal and decided to end it all? Was his pain too great? McCoy had no clue what had happened to Jim as the filed ended the day of Jim's medical leave started. He had been under the impression that Jim had resigned.
Walking back over to the sink, he dipped his face into the water for a few seconds. He didn't reach for the towel to dry his face. "Jim, please," he pleaded with his reflection as if he was looking at Jim. Water dripped down his face. He had to find out what happened to Jim. He had to make sure Jim was still alive, and he had to make it up to him, even if it wasn't possible. He rested his head against the cold counter. He knew he didn't deserve Jim's forgiveness, but he would try to save Jim.
Pushing himself up, he drained the water and walked back into the other room. Spock was staring intently at the screen. His fists were balled and he was shaking. "Spock," McCoy said, walking over. He hadn't read the whole report. He knew there had to be details about it, but he didn't want to know. He didn't need to know, or rather, he wasn't strong enough. "Spock," he called again. If he wasn't strong enough, what about Jim, who faced it alone?
Said Vulcan turned his head to McCoy. It was visible that he was struggling with his emotions. "I must find Jim." McCoy had never heard Spock sound like this. His voice was ruff.
"How?"
"Selek. He knows of Jim's location. I will go to him and demand Jim's Location." He paused. "I have to go to him."
"I doubt he would want to see us."
"Us?" Spock asked.
McCoy stared at Spock. "I'm going with you, and there's nothing that you can do to stop me." Okay, there were a few things that he could do like the nerve pinch. "He's my best friend. I have to see him."
"Very well."
He could tell that Spock wanted to see Jim alone, but that wouldn't be a good idea. They had no idea of how Jim would react to seeing him. "How do you plan on getting to earth?" They were stuck on the Enterprise, which wouldn't be going anywhere near earth.
"I will find a way, Doctor. I will find a way." Spock was still shaking, as he stood. He walked slowly to the door. "I have to meditate."
"Go, Spock." He knew better than to stop Spock. It would be dangerous for the both of them if McCoy tried to stop him. After Spock had left the room, McCoy returned to his computer. He could barely glance over the report without the urge to puke. If he felt like this, he wondered how Jim or even Spock felt. Spock had betrayed his lover. That had to be a painful realization.
He turned off the monitor and walked to his bed. He allowed gravity to take over and allowed the tears to flow. What had he done?
*o*o*
Uhura did feel like shit, even if no one believed her. She didn't want to take advantage of Spock, because she did truly love and care for Spock. She had even supported Jim and Spock's relationship, because she saw how happy both of them were. Yes, both of them. She did care about Jim. She really did. Though it annoyed her, she enjoyed Jim's meaningless teasing, because it meant that he saw her as more than just sex. He saw her, just like he saw each member of the Enterprise. They were people not numbers. For that, she cared and respected Jim, but that couldn't save him after what she saw. He had almost destroyed Spock after he had cheated on him. She saw had much Jim meant to Spock. She knew what Spock would do to keep Jim safe. He would give up everything for Jim. And it broke Spock when he learned that Jim wouldn't do the same. That he didn't care. That was why she hated Jim. Sure, she was jealous that Spock would never do that for her, and that hurt, but that wasn't the reason of her hatred.
Jim had taken something from Spock that she could never have and spit it right back in his face. It made her sick to think about it. If he didn't want the relationship, why in hell did he enter it? Was he that selfish? Though the golden boy reputation had gotten to his head (it would anyone), he wasn't really selfish. He always put others before himself. What changed to change that? She wished she knew. It might not make the situation better, but it would help Spock to heal. He needed that. She wished she could help him.
Sure, throwing herself at him wouldn't help, but she thought she could distract him. Everyone needed a good distraction nowadays, especially with the new Captain, who believed that nothing was prefect. Unquestionably, nothing was, but he didn't have to thrive for it as if it was possible. The crew was running on empty and their nerves shoot. Yes, Captain Pitts was a good Captain who had saved the Enterprise from a few deadly situations, but the crew was stressed. They were too afraid of failure. With him, failure wasn't an option, and it was something to be ashamed, which made people afraid of their own shadows.
Uhura sighed. For that, she missed Kirk. It was a bad idea to run a crew like that, especially when they were used to a captain like Kirk. The change was too great and too fast.
She rounded a corner, heading to her quarters for the event. She and the rest of the senior staff wouldn't be staying on the Enterprise during the event. Uhura didn't care, as she just wanted to get back to their space travel. At first, she saw it as a networking opportunity, but now, the event, which wouldn't start until the next day, didn't interest her at all. She stopped as she closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. She wasn't in the mood to socialize with people who had no idea what being a part of Starfleet was all about.
Hearing footsteps, she picked up her head and opened her eyes. Anger rushed through her veins at the sight of the man in front of her. She never expected to see him. She had wanted to see him, so she could tell him off, but at the same time, she never wanted to see him again. The Enterprise needed to heal and they couldn't do it with him around.
"Uhura." She heard him mutter her name. It was stupid of her to be pissed at him for saying her name. She had other reasons to be pissed. At least, he didn't use her first name.
"Kirk," she hissed. "What the hell are you doing here?" She looked him over. He was wearing a leather jacket over a plain white shirt and dark jeans. The jeans hanged loosely around his waist, and a very thin strip of skin was visible. He was holding something over his shoulder, which pressed his white shirt against his finely chiseled chest.
"I was invited." He stared at her.
She shivered. She had never heard him talk like this; his voice was devoid of any emotion. It was as if he was dead. "That didn't mean you had to come." She felt as if he was staring right through her.
"Which is your opinion. It's a good thing that Starfleet doesn't follow your opinions, now isn't it?" He took a step toward her.
Why was the temperature dropping? It was freezing. "Shut up. You have no right to be here." She knew she should've shut up, but her anger was getting the better of her. She had wanted to yell at him for months.
"I have more right than you do."
Again, he said it without emotion. If she wasn't so pissed, she would've been worried about him. "I have no right? No, you don't have any right not after what you did."
"After what I did?" Jim snapped. "What I did? You don't have any fucken idea of what you're talking about." He had dropped him bag and took a small step toward her.
Uhura blinked. She didn't expect him to snap, especially when he did nothing during his last months as the Captain.
"You have no idea of what I have been through. Not at all, you stupid B…" He crunched his fists almost to the point of blood, but she could tell he was holding himself back. He even stepped back as he tried to control himself.
"Kirk," she muttered. He was extremely pissed, and it scared her. She had never seen anyone this angry, well beside Spock the day that he choked Jim on the bridge.
"You think you know everything, but you don't," he sneered through his teeth. "You have no idea of what I went through. How alone I was. How close I was to the edge. How I wanted to die. You have no idea. Or rather, you didn't care." His face distorted in pain.
At that, her anger had started to turn on her. She had no idea that he was so depressed, but it was her own damn fault that she didn't notice. She didn't want to. "That's your fault, you cheating bastard."
"I didn't fucken cheat."
"Liar!" How dare he say that?
Jim flexed his fists and took a step toward her. "I'm sick and tired of being accused of something I didn't do."
"Don't lie," she muttered. His anger had overpowered her anger. "Spock could feel it." Even in her anger, that sentence was strange to her. How could anyone sense something like that?
"He sensed the intercourse, which happened." His breath had become labored.
Uhura's worries at his depression disappeared. It was his own fucken fault that Spock left him. "And that isn't cheating?" He needed to look up the definition of cheating.
"It isn't cheating if it was again my will, and trust me, it was," he said. "I never wanted it." He released his fists as if he ran out of stream.
All of the sudden she felt sick to her stomach. That only meant one thing, but that wasn't possible. How could James T. Kirk been Raped?
"I never asked to be r-raped," he said with a shaky voice.
With that, Uhura felt dead inside. Very dead inside.
Until Next time.
