4.3.1

######

He's in the car again, the crowd lifting it off the ground, tiny bits of glass flying everywhere as windows shatter, people leap in. Carrie is fucking yelling in his ear, screaming for help as disembodied arms yank her out the door, throw her to the concrete. And, as always, there's nothing he can do, is strapped back by invisible forces, can't fucking move as he watches the crowd beat her with wooden batons, stomp on her in full force. Hears her call for help, scream his name in blood-soaked gasps.

Quinn snaps awake, his heart racing, his lungs momentarily seized. Blood still rains in his mind's eye, he hears echoes of his own voice hollering her name.

The rawness in his throat indicates he's been shouting in his sleep again and he instinctively turns his head to see if he's awoken his bed companion, wonders if she's going to ask him about it yet again.

Thankfully she's pretending to be asleep, seems to have caught on that this isn't something he can talk about. Which is the really the best thing about spending time with her - that he actually can't tell her anything, that their relationship is limited to a bottle, meaningless conversation, simple kindnesses, and physical release.

Quinn gets up, shakes his head in an attempt to slip out of his perpetual hangover. Groans internally as he remembers the previous day - drinking the afternoon and evening away after losing his shit at the fucking interviewer for pushing him about Carrie.

He can still hear her in his head asking if they're romantically involved, can still feel his emotions pop in response to the question. And he's pissed off because he knows it was Adal trying to push his buttons. Yet he still can't control it - the primal urge that comes up anytime she's brought up, the anger he experiences when they try to use her against him.

Quinn's with it enough to know it's his own fucking fault - that he only reacts this strongly because he can't let her go. But he has little control at the moment and hadn't expected to be ambushed like that at his exit interview. Which was the point of course.

Quinn exhales angrily, thinks about getting up to shower. Hears an incessant knocking at his door and groans again. With Carrie in Islamabad it can only be one person.

So he puts on some shorts, goes to the door and tells Adal to fuck himself. But he knows it won't end until Adal's been dealt with so Quinn lets him in, takes the fucking donuts and concentrates on not killing his former boss.

Adal tries to make like he's genuinely concerned about Quinn's wellbeing, deliberately kicks at the beer cans, reminds him that the group takes care of their own.

Which of course pisses Quinn off even more, makes him remember exactly why he needs to get the fuck out.

"I don't belong to you, or to the group, or to anyone anymore," Quinn states firmly.

"Once a scalp-hunter always a scalp-hunter, isn't that what they say?" Adal replies in that irritating way of his.

Not me, thinks Quinn. I'm done. Can't be fucked to do any of it anymore.

"That's what you say," he snaps back. "That and you're my guy, Peter."

"Well, I invested a lot of time and money into you," Adal retorts.

Well you picked the wrong guy, thinks Quinn.

"I'm sorry to disappoint," he says back flippantly.

But of course it's fucking Adal, knows exactly how to flip a conversation on it's end, play it in his favour. Use his opponent's weakness against him.

"You should be sorry," Adal replies. "Those morons in that diner didn't deserve that."

Quinn has nothing to say to that, knows it's true and doesn't bother to deny it. Just stares irritably at his former boss, wonders how the fuck he can just get out of this situation. There's silence between them for a long moment and finally Quinn concedes the point.

"Alright, so what now?" he finally asks.

"Simple. Convince me that you can keep your shit together from now on," Adal says.

And Quinn thinks it's not that easy, not the way he's been feeling lately.

"Or else what?" he asks, just to be sure.

"I believe they call it re-training," Adal replies insinuatingly.

Right, of course, thinks Quinn. It's what he signed up for.

And like any top predator, Adal jumps in for the kill while Quinn is still off-kilter.

"Course, we both know the real explanation for all this," Adal says, indicating the general disarray of booze.

"What's that," Quinn asks dully, feels something ready to blow.

"This isn't about PTSD," Adal states. "It's about your feelings for Carrie Mathison."

He should have fucking expected it but it still burns every time. Adal's been on this track ever since the fuck up at the motel, when he waited until the last second to fucking shoot Carrie to save her from herself.

As if not wanting to have to shoot someone, hoping for a better resolution indicated love, desire, whatever. And now. To tell him the fucking flashbacks, the uncontrollable anger, the need to live life in a bottle is all just because he's a sad sack, pining away for Carrie. It's too fucking much.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Quinn asks, wonders if Adal is just trying to make him snap again. Thinks it might be worth it to kill him.

"If she hadn't been in that car Sandy Bachman would be alive today," Adal fires back.

Quinn tries to play it off, does not want Adal to know the depth of the nerve he's struck. Because there is a lot of validity to his statement, yet nothing that Quinn is willing to discuss with Adal.

"That really what you think?" Quinn asks.

"Come on, tell me I'm wrong," Adal challenges.

"You're wrong," Quinn fires back. "I did all that I could and you can watch it online for fuck's sake."

"I've seen it!" Adal snaps. "The whole fucking Agency's seen it. You took your eye off Sandy to save Carrie. You left him to be beaten to death in the stree..."

Quinn doesn't remember making the decision to choke his boss, just suddenly has his arms around Adal's neck, feels a rush of release as he watches Adal struggle for air.

Quinn increases the pressure on Adal's windpipe, just enough to bruise it, not quite enough to break it. Though there's part of him that just wants to go all the way, rid the world of the fucking snake.

But he hasn't completely lost it yet, can't quite justify killing Adal. So he lets go, exhales a panicked breath, feels the thrum of his heartbeat. His body is taut with anger and adrenaline as he stares at Adal, wonders why the fuck he can't just kill him.

And of course Adal just looks at him snidely.

"Well done, Peter," he says. "I knew you weren't that far gone."

"Get the fuck out of here," Quinn replies, hopes he never has to fucking see the man again.

"Have a nice life," Adal quips as he leaves.

Quinn leans against the couch, still reeling with adrenaline, emotion. Swipes his hand through his hair, tries to process the newest problem in his life.

Of course it fucking involves Carrie because that's what it always comes down to for him. And the worst part is he knows that Adal's mostly right - that things would have been different if it hadn't been Carrie in that car. That Sandy might not be dead, that he made a choice and he chose Carrie.

But this fucking insinuation that it's because he's in love with her. It sends his ever present anger into the red zone, mostly because it's at least possibly true. Because he can't even explain to himself the effect she has on him, finds himself doing, thinking the most uncharacteristic things.

Yet he thinks of Carrie now and only sees a heartless, self-absorbed, manipulative machine, someone he can't even bear looking at, much less love. But the problem is the pain he still feels when he sees her like that, the sense that he's abandoning her.

Quinn's lost in his thoughts, has almost forgotten there's someone else there, that the bedroom door was open this whole time. Until she steps into the doorway, draped in sheets.

"Are you alright?" she asks, sounds genuinely concerned. "Who was that?"

Which is a question that shouldn't even be asked, much less answered. So Quinn just smiles innocently, tells her it was no one. And in a way it's true, the man is a shadow amongst shadows, a name known to very few.

And he looks at her, just a regular civilian, no idea of the dark depths people can fall to. Blinks and realizes she's already seen too much, that the booze has made him sloppy. He's broken his own rules - no personal info, no overnights at his, nothing about the job.

Fuck, Quinn thinks. Just one more thing he's managed to fuck up.

######

Carrie's at the new side op, the 'journalism' office, catching Max and Fara up on the situation, going over the plans for the next day. She can tell both of them are nervous, particularly Fara but it's to be expected. Carrie's antsy herself, feels the jitter of excitement that comes with a new op, something to move on.

She finishes telling Max to be careful, that they have no official cover if they're caught in the act. Leaves him to finish setting up the computer systems and checks up on her own space in the office, wants to see if her computer there is on the network yet.

Carrie closes the door behind her and sits down at the computer. Starts it up and looks around, feels a sense of satisfaction at what she's managed to set up in the course of a couple days.

The computer is on the network and everything seems in order as Carrie checks the system, logs into her email.

And there's a new message, somehow ominous in the lack of subject, the hidden identity of the sender. It shouldn't be possible in their secure system and she's about to ask Max about it when she changes her mind, thinks she had better see what it is first.

Carrie clicks on the message and the email is short and precise. One sentence.

You are going to get him killed.

And an attachment, a video.

Heart starting to race, wondering if this has something to do with Sandy, Carrie presses play.

It's a black and white video of an interview and at first she can't figure out what she's watching.

A blonde woman is on screen, asking about nightmares, says something about seeing someone's head disappear in a puddle of mud over and over again.

It's not until Quinn responds, tells her he snapped, that there's nothing else to say, that Carrie realizes what she's looking at. An exit interview.

Something in her shivers, wonders why the fuck this has been sent to her. It clearly contravenes all regulations, obviously violates confidentiality. She knows Quinn would not want her to see this, yet she can't help but keep watching.

"Obviously we need to talk about recent events in Islamabad," the interviewer continues.

"Obviously," Quinn replies using his familiar pissed off tone.

"What about the two men you killed on the ground there?" the interviewer asks.

"What about them?" Quinn answers in his usual taciturn way.

"Do you think about them?"

"I do not," Quinn replies, looking rigid and tense. "I think about Sandy and Carrie and the choice that I made."

Carrie notices that she's a bit tense herself, is not at all sure she wants to see the rest of it. It's too weird, awkward to see Quinn on screen, vulnerable and clearly still hurting. But it was sent to her for a reason and she knows she has to watch it, if only to find out how he really is.

"Carrie Mathison," the interviewer states.

Carrie watches, a bit surprised by the way the woman brings her up, the tone in her voice. Like she knows something, like this is her ace up the sleeve.

"Yes," Quinn says stiffly, clearly does not want to talk about her.

"She came up a lot last time we talked," the interviewer continues.

And Carrie's surprised at that too, wonders what the hell Quinn said about her previously, thinks it probably wasn't anything good.

"I don't remember," Quinn replies, using that look he gives when he's stonewalling.

"You said she was one the reasons you wanted out of Dar Adal's group," the woman continues.

Which is news to Carrie, something she has never even once considered. She expects Quinn to say no but, as always, he surprises her.

"Maybe she was," he says seriously, automatically.

"She didn't approve of targeted assassinations?" the interviewer asks.

"No I was the one having the problem, not her," Quinn states firmly, redirecting the conversation back to him.

"The agency is worried that you might want to talk about all that one day," the woman says, accuses. Like Quinn is going to write some sort of tell all book about his life in black ops. He barely fucking talks at all anyhow, Carrie thinks. And who's he going to tell? He has about as many friends as she does, she muses wryly.

"Well you tell them not to worry, I know what I agreed to," Quinn replies calmly.

"And what about Carrie?" the woman continues.

Carrie watches, absolutely sure she should not be viewing any of this. Does not see what it has to do with anything, wonders where the fuck this woman is going with her slightly leading questions. Of course by this time Carrie knows they're Adal's questions, remembers exactly how much Adal dislikes her. Yet she can't figure out what Adal's exactly getting at, why he's so interested in what Quinn thinks about her. Because as far as she can see, Quinn's sprung her loose, given up. Exactly what Adal wants.

"What about her?" Quinn asks in a tone of frustration, bordering on insubordination.

"You just said you had a choice to make in that car," the interviewer states. "You chose her."

Carrie hears the woman say it and immediately feels something freeze in her chest, something beyond the numbness that she's been holding there. She immediately presses pause on the video, stares at a freeze frame of Quinn looking extremely irritated.

Plays a mental video of that day, on the street in the car. It comes in vivid flashes, Quinn telling her to look for another gun, under the seat. She remembers being annoyed with him for arguing with her about it. And now she sees it in a totally different light, all of it. Why he didn't go after Sandy, why he'd been so angry at her afterwards. After she had yelled at him, basically called him a coward.

He was trying to protect her, and of course all he got for it was a bad case of PTSD and accusations of not having done enough.

And now she knows why Adal sent her the video, is his way of accusing her, saying that it's her fault Quinn is fucked up, telling her that Sandy's dead because of her.

Which is something she hadn't considered at all. That Quinn had chose her over Sandy. That all of his current problems come from questioning that choice.

Carrie stares at the screen, tries to just breathe and avoid feeling overwhelmed by what she's seen. She's surprised how guilty she feels, how the video has made her reflect differently on everything that's happened, on this problem between her and Quinn. Then remembers she hasn't watched to the end yet, that the video has a few more seconds to go.

Carrie takes a deep breath, steels herself for whatever might come. Hits play, watches as Quinn unfreezes, sinks back into being his pissed off self.

"Is that a question?" he asks, with the same stonewalling look.

"Are the two of you romantically involved?" the interviewer asks.

Quinn asks "what!?" on the screen at the same moment Carrie says it to herself. Where the fuck had that come from? she wonders, immediately pissed off. It's no wonder that Quinn looks furious, Carrie's surprised he hasn't completely lost it on the interviewer. Especially considering how volatile he is these days.

"Answer. Please," the interviewer continues.

"I don't see what that has to do with anything," Quinn replies.

Carrie wonders why he doesn't just say no, flat out. That he fucking hates her guts for calling him out right after he saved her life, that whatever he might have seen in her before is dead, gone.

But of course Quinn takes the high road, refuses to be baited. Does not reveal anything, just sits there, staring at the interviewer,

"Let me be the judge of that," the woman replies.

Quinn sits for a moment, then seems to relax, come to a decision.

"You know what? Fuck this," he says, looking up at the cameras. Gets up and walks out of the room.

The video ends but Carrie just sits and stares at the computer, tries to absorb, understand everything she just saw. Adal trying to push Quinn's buttons, using her to do it. She thinks it's obvious Adal knows there's nothing going on between her and Quinn, that he was just asking the question to rile him up, goad him into spilling something.

But that thing about Quinn choosing. Choosing her over Sandy. It hits her hard in that spot where her heart once was. No wonder he's so fucking pissed with her. No wonder he bailed.

It was only a matter of time, Carrie supposes. Everyone bails in the end. Even Quinn, Mr. Reliable. And it's always her own fucking fault.

She said some harsh things to him, especially in this new light. It's no longer a mystery why he told her to fuck off so emphatically that day, has been so pissed off at her since.

And it's fucking hard but she has to just forget it, move on. Feeling guilty about it isn't helping anything, just makes her think back to everything that's happened, gets her stuck in the past.

Yet she wants to call him, at least tell him she's sorry for losing it at him at the embassy, after he'd just saved her life. Which is a terrible idea, can only lead to him wondering what the hell could get her to rethink events, apologize for flipping out at him.

Just illicitly watching you blow your exit interview, Carrie thinks to herself. She wonders who he'd be more pissed off at - her or Adal.

But mostly she thinks about Quinn, about how much this is fucking him up. That the guy she knows, that she relies on, is lost himself - trying to run.

And she thinks she can't let this happen, that she has to pull him back somehow. Yet Carrie knows she's got nothing left, that she tried her best with him and he still said no. Which is what it always comes down to in the end, that point of no return that she pushes past.

So Adal wins this round, she thinks as she shuts down her computer, sits for a moment in the dark, quiet office. She will leave Quinn alone because there's nothing else she can do, no other words to say. And now she knows it's partly on her, that she fucked things up with him yet again.

But as Carrie gets up to leave the office she's also somehow sure that this isn't the end of it, that both she and Quinn still have a part to play.