ooo

Master Yoda was concerned by Obi-Wan's lack of interest in talking about the events that took place. "Obi-Wan, said nothing you have; believe do you what we have said…Have questions do you?"

Obi-Wan glanced at each person, and sighed. "Xanatos explained what happened to Master Jinn, and now you have confirmed it. I believe what you've told me; however it complicates everything more so."

"In what way, Obi-Wan?" Chas-Anna probed.

"Well with Anakin!…his first few days as a free Jedi hopeful has turned into a nightmare. He's confused, and to make matters worse, I've formed a bond with him, and might I add through no fault of his own. It was entirely my doing."

"A bond of necessity, it was." Yoda uttered.

"Master Jinn won't think so…he'll expect me to continue on and take Anakin as my Padawan. Apparently that is his wish, is it not?"

"Believe he does that connected you are." Yoda admitted.

"Well I don't want to hurt Anakin any more than he's been hurt already, however I can't train him. I don't feel capable of teaching anyone and I certainly don't want to taint Master Jinn's valued Chosen one! He needs an experienced master and I'm sure that if I make a mistake in his training Master Jinn would be there to criticize me and pass judgement on me." Obi-Wan's anger was sharp as he spoke that last sentence.

Master Chas-Anna shook her head. "No, Obi-Wan! That's not true. I know how much Qui-Gon has hurt you in the past, and I am very annoyed with him even now. However I can assure you that since this all happened, he has been in a state of despair, and he is a distraught and crushed man. Who while under the influence of a vile drug destroyed the one thing that he valued most. When Qui-Gon came to his senses, he told us that it was his intention, for you to be knighted and take Anakin as your apprentice; he has more faith in your abilities to teach than he has in his own."

Obi-Wan glared at her and snapped unintentionally. "Isn't it amazing, once again I'm the last one to know what my former master thinks of me; if he had so much faith in me, why didn't he tell me him self?"

It was the first time Obi-Wan had ever spoken to Chas-Anna in that tone of voice. He quickly dropped his gaze, and blushed when he realised what he had done. "I'm sorry Master Chas-Anna, I didn't mean to be so disrespectful, please accept my apology."

"I do understand Obi-Wan, and he does have a lot to answer for, but you have to release your anger, and you will see clearer."

"I am trying, but he does make it difficult. Qui-Gon should have spoken to me about it first. If he thought I was good enough to be a Knight, and good enough to train a padawan, why didn't he think I was good enough to discuss it with first?"

"I can't answer that Obi-Wan."

"I know and neither can I and that's what hurts the most. It should have been up to me to decide if I wanted to take an apprentice or not, and even though I like Anakin, I'm not ready and I don't believe I will be ready for some time."

"Talk to you he would have if in right mind he was." Yoda said.

"I don't mean to be disrespectful Master Yoda, but you're wrong. He'd ceased giving me instruction before this happened. It was like we were no longer Learner and Master, but just two Jedi who happened to be on the same mission together." Obi-Wan got up from the couch and bowed to them all. "If you will excuse me, it's late and I'm tired."

There was nothing more they could say to him. They realised now that there was more to his pain than just being attacked by Qui-Gon. It was an accumulation of his entire apprenticeship, brought to a head by that one moment, and the lack of trust he felt Qui-Gon had in him.

It was true; Qui-Gon should have explained his feelings to Obi-Wan when he and Anakin had first met. Master and apprentice should have spoken openly about Obi-Wan's coming knighthood, prior to this mission. Qui-Gon should have prepared his Padawan for this major step in his training. The remaining Jedi seated in Xanatos's study all wondered (Was it too late to fix this).

What was done could not be undone now. They had to hope that Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon could move through this undesirable experience, and at least be able to form some sort of relationship or at least be able to speak to each other.

Ooo

Yoda, Ba'han and Chas-Anna went back to the ship to talk to Qui-Gon and Mace.

"What did Obi-Wan say? Will he let me speak to him?" Qui-Gon asked as they entered the ship.

"Unfortunately deep is his pain, and speak to you he does not wish to do." Yoda explained.

"How can I tell him how sorry I am if he won't let me explain what happened."

"Understand what the drug in your system did to you, but understand your treatment of him prior to and including the mission he does not."

"My treatment of him, in what way?"

"Obi-Wan your apprentice he was, give him instruction and advice, whilst on the mission did you?"

"He didn't need instruction as I said; he was ready to make the step into knighthood. He has good instincts and I trusted him with my life and I considered him my equal."

"Tell him that did you?"

"He knew how I felt about him, he is a wise man and that's why I wanted him to train Anakin, he will make a great knight."

Chas-Anna could tell that Qui-Gon in his own way believed Obi-Wan knew that he admired and respected his padawan, but unfortunately, Obi-Wan needed to hear the words spoken if he was to believe they were true.

"Qui-Gon, you believe Obi-Wan is wise and trustworthy, yet you never told him how you felt. Didn't it ever occur to you that he might think he was unworthy because you were never open with him. Obi-Wan always had doubts and you have fuelled them by keeping your thoughts to yourself."

"No – it never occurred to me that he required confirmation. He was a senior padawan on the cusp of knighthood and on the last few missions we were sent on he controlled the negotiations and provided solutions without any prompting from me. To me he always seemed self-assured… and he displayed the abilities that any master would deem him ready." Qui-Gon said slowly realising that his silence had hurt his padawan more than he could possibly imagine.

"Oh no, what have I done…I taught him to be the Jedi I wanted him to be, but now I see my mistake, I should have let him be who 'he' wanted to be."

Ooo

At breakfast Obi-Wan's throat was much better, and his voice was almost back to normal. He was surprised that the Masters had stayed in the ship, and asked Xanatos why.

"They thought it best to fill Qui-Gon in on all that transpired, so they decided to stay on the ship. Master Yoda contacted me a few moments ago, and apparently Qui-Gon still wants to make amends - with all of us?... he has asked if he could come and speak to Anakin and me if not you."

"I can't speak for you or Anakin, but I'm not ready to listen to him negotiate his way out of his dilemma. " Obi-Wan sighed despairingly.

Anakin looked disappointed and so did Xanatos. "What about you Anakin, would you like to hear what Qui-Gon has to say?" Xani questioned.

Anakin had spoken to Master Yoda at great length the previous evening before he went to bed, and was torn between agreeing with Obi-Wan or doing as Master Yoda had suggested, and that was to listen to Qui-Gon first before making any rash decisions. "I…I.. Don't know, I mean I would like to ask him why, but I don't want to upset you Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan's face formed a steely mask of calmness. "Anakin … Everyone has to make their own decisions, Qui-Gon didn't really hurt you, and so I think you should at least hear what he has to say. I sense you want to do this, but it has to be what you want not what I want." He said resting his hand on Anakin's shoulder.

"Ummm, ok. I think I'd like to hear what he has to say."

"I also am inquisitive as to why he wants to speak to me and to tell the truth I'm looking forward to hearing what he has to say." Xanatos remarked.

"Xanatos, you are capable of making your own decisions too, and you have your own reasons why you want closure. I understand, and I have no objections. I just need time to come to terms with everything that has happened. I just don't understand why he could never confide in me and if I was a worthy apprentice why didn't he ever tell me." Obi-Wan smiled at them both and left the room.

ooo

Xanatos contacted Yoda with the not so euphoric news, it was only a partial victory; at least Qui-Gon had the chance to explain himself to Anakin, and possibly end the animosity he had with Xanatos. Sadly, the main reason for Qui-Gon's desperate mission was determined not to speak to his former Master.

Anakin was bouncing around full of anticipation; as a child he didn't really understand the complicated details of Obi-Wan's and Xanatos's past dealings with Qui-Gon. He had really liked Qui-Gon when he first met him. So he wanted to see if Qui-Gon was nicer now than before.

Xanatos spent the morning trying to convince Obi-Wan to come and see Qui-Gon, and at least listen to him. Xani won a small concession when Obi-Wan agreed to listen, but from a safe distance up on the balcony.

"Excellent," Xanatos remarked. "I'll make sure he doesn't know you're there, and you can shield from him, if that's your wish."

"It is.. I'm not ready yet for anything else!" he stated.

ooo

Obi-Wan watched through the balcony doors as the Jedi approached, Qui-Gon's shoulders were hunched slightly, and his face had an expression of anticipation, and nervousness. Walking beside him giving him support was Master Windu, and the other Masters followed behind. If Obi-Wan had opened up to the Force he would have sensed Qui-Gon's desperation to right his wrongs.

As they entered the mansion he could see the change in Qui-Gon, he straightened up, and it was then that Obi-Wan saw the stoic master he had been accustomed too. Anakin's curiosity bled through their bond and Obi-Wan was careful to raise his shields to give Anakin privacy. Obi-Wan stood hidden behind a planter, watching the reunion.

Qui-Gon's voice was soft and hesitating. "Hello Xanatos… Hello Anakin."

"Qui-Gon, it's been a long time." Xanatos replied trying to add warmth to his voice.

"Hello Master Qui-Gon," Anakin said nervously.

Qui-Gon smiled at Anakin, but he thought it best not to reach out and touch him yet.

"Thank you for allowing me to enter your home, Xanatos. I know I have not been the kind of Jedi I should have been and I have no excuse, only that I am a stubborn and idiotic rebel, who should have known better. I thank the force every day that there are no more fools like me in the Jedi order that would cause such grief and pain to those I care about."

He knelt down and spoke to Anakin first because he was young and impressionable.

"Anakin, it grieves me very much for causing you pain and fright by what I did in the temple. When I promised your mother that I would take care of you, I meant every word I said. The poison in my system caused me to act very cruelly and I am very sorry for everything that I did to scare you and hurt you. It was never my intention and I promise you that I will do whatever it takes to make sure you become a Jedi as was your mothers wish."

"You did promise my mother that I would, but you scared me in the garden. Why did you hurt Obi-Wan?"

"I have no valid excuse regarding my brutal attack on my Obi-Wan and I pray to the force that he does not suffer any more for my contemptible actions in the Garden. I am so sorry that you were a witness to my shocking behaviour and I sincerely hope you believe that I would not have done anything like that to hurt Obi-Wan if I was in my right mind. I had been drugged by that evil man I fought in the desert and it made me crazy. I know I frightened you when I attacked Obi-Wan, and I'm truly sorry. It was always my intention when I rescued you Anakin, to look after you and Obi-Wan. I have no recollection of it being Obi-Wan that I attacked in my delusion. I did not see him through my eyes, I saw a monster that I had fabricated in my mind and it was taking my Obi-Wan away from me and I couldn't let it happen. I know that I have made grave mistakes where Obi-Wan is concerned, but he is the dearest and nearest person to my heart, and unfortunately because of my inability to show my emotions to him I never told him how much I love him." He hesitated and took a deep breath.

"I know he believes that Xanatos, and you, have a firmer place in my heart than he does. However Obi-Wan was…. and is the light of my life, the son that is implanted in my soul. I was so proud of the man Obi-Wan had become that I realised he was a better Jedi than I was. I sensed that you and Obi-Wan would have been a formidable team together, and would balance each other perfectly."

"Why didn't you tell Obi-Wan that then?" Anakin asked bluntly.

"Because I was blind to his feelings and presumed that Obi-Wan would feel the same way as I did, so as far as I was concerned there was no need for me to ask. That was my mistake, and it has been my downfall for many years, and that is why I could never forgive Xanatos. I was stubborn and I would not listen to either of my padawan's point of view. I tried to crush their individuality, and mould them into what I believed they could be….. What I thought they should be."

"But you were wrong Qui-Gon Sir?" Anakin retorted.

Qui-Gon was kneeling in front of Anakin and he apologised. "Yes, I was wrong. I am ashamed of the way I treated all of you, and I will understand if you can't, but I'm begging for your forgiveness." he uttered as he bowed his head.

"I guess I forgive you Qui-Gon sir, but what will happen to me now; Obi-Wan doesn't want a padawan. He said he's not ready to be a Master." Anakin said disappointedly.

"Anakin that is my fault I shouldn't have pushed Obi-Wan into making such a decision. It was a choice that was up to him to make, not me. I realise that now, but I have spoken to the council and they have accepted you, for training; you will be a Jedi."

Anakin nodded trying to feel confident, but failing miserably, his fear was filling him and he wished his mother was here.

Qui-Gon stood up and faced Xanatos, who was as tall as him and had aged slightly since Qui-Gon had last seen him.

"I don't know where to begin Xanatos; all these years I blamed you for all my pain and failings. I used it to hide behind when Obi-Wan needed me. It was my arrogance and pride that got in the way of the truth. The truth was it was just as much my fault for not seeing how much I was smothering you with my demands, I see now that you had no choice but to leave the Jedi order, and I do not blame you if you are still angry with me."

"My anger at you left me some years ago Master; I felt it was a wasted effort to dwell in the past, especially when there is so much to do to assure the future. As you have seen my life's work is to rebuild Telos. So I forgive you for being a stubborn, arrogant, self centred, old fool." he smiled and he held out his hand.

Qui-Gon gingerly put his hand into Xani's and felt relief fill him when they shook.

He was surprised and comforted when Xanatos pulled Anakin toward them and the three embraced for a few moments and then Xani smiled. "I always wanted to do that you know, but you were too stiff and unapproachable."

Qui-Gon felt a disturbance in the Force and he looked up to see Obi-Wan on the balcony in full view looking intently at them; the force was swirling like a torrent around him. "Obi-Wan?" he called out and everyone looked up. There was shock on his young face and he retreated from the balcony. Qui-Gon stepped forward, but Xanatos brushed past Qui-Gon. "I'll go and speak with him, please wait here Qui-Gon."

Obi-Wan was heading across the courtyard as Xanatos caught up to him and grabbed his arm stopping him from withdrawing further. "Obi-Wan stop running away!...talk to him, make peace. It's the only way you can get on with your life."

Obi-Wan turned away and faced the garden wall; he rested his hands on top of it and leaned over looking down. It was only a few metres down, and Obi-Wan wanted to jump over and run away, he knew how childish that was, but he needed time to think. He'd listened to Qui-Gon and he had sounded so sincere.

Yet he couldn't get the picture of Qui-Gon out of his head. The rage he felt radiating off Qui-Gon in the temple garden wouldn't leave his mind.

(Why can't I let that memory go, Xani is right I have to get on with my life. Yet what is my life, what will I do if I go back to the temple. Will I see pity in their eyes, and will they think Qui-Gon has convinced me to forgive him once again. Will I be forced to take Anakin as my apprentice?)

"I know you're right and I want to forgive him, but I can't clear my head. I don't know what is happening to me; I've tried to push that vision of my Master attacking me off into the force. However each time I try, the rage I saw in his eyes comes back to haunt me. I hear what you've all said and I do believe you, however I seem to have lost my faith, my heart aches, and I feel lost."

"Lost your faith … In the force?" Xani asked.

"I don't know what it is… I just feel that throughout my life I have had to prove myself. I didn't want to be pitied, and I think I always felt that I was. Looking down from the balcony, at that scene was so painful; it was my worst nightmare coming true. When I was little, the force came to me in a vision and showed me my destiny. It was with Qui-Gon, and as I grew, I held that vision close to me and dreamt of the day when it would become reality. However that dream was shattered when I became his apprentice. The reality of belonging and being safe and secure, and to be accepted for who I was, turned into a nightmare of rejection, accusation, and depression. I was denied a place in my Masters heart. I gave him my complete obedience, I gave him my heart and soul, but he used it to beat me away from him. Sometimes I felt I was never his learner, his companion, his student. I was his whipping boy, to be punished for daring to force my way into his life. He couldn't let the memory of you go, even though he said he hated everything you stood for, you were still the wedge that prevented him from seeing me and just now seeing you embrace as friends brought a triage of emotions to mind and I am ashamed to say jealousy was one of them and it was painful."

Xanatos placed his hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder. He didn't know what to say. Obi-Wan glanced at Xanatos and then continued to speak.

"I wanted him to think of me like that to show that at least he liked me, but it never happened. If it wasn't you, it was Master Tahl. I liked her a lot, but he never knew. I never mentioned how much I liked her. I thought if he knew he would stop me from going with him to see her. She treated me with kindness, and when Master Chas-Anna was off planet, and I needed someone to talk to, Master Tahl was there for me. But I didn't tell her of my problems with my Master. I was afraid she would turn against me too.
When she was killed and I was badly injured, he hardly spoke to me, and I asked him if I could go to her funeral. He said it wasn't necessary for me to go, and because I couldn't walk he said I would get in the way, and there wasn't enough room in the pyre room for a hover chair. I suppose it was partly my own fault for not telling him how much I admired and liked her."

Obi-Wan hadn't seen Qui-Gon and Mace enter the garden and they heard everything he said.

Obi-Wan glanced up to the sky before he continued. "Now, he has found what he's been searching for all these years, the one to replace you in his heart. Not the poor pathetic Obi-Wan, but the mighty Chosen one. Watching both of you accept his apology was like watching my heart being ripped from my chest. I wanted to be there, to be apart of it, but I felt so worthless and I need a purpose in my life. I sense that I have a destiny to fulfil, yet I don't know what it is."

"Obi-Wan please, I value our friendship; Please don't say that you're angry with me for forgiving Qui-Gon?" Xanatos pleaded.

Obi-Wan lifted his sad eyes, to look at Xanatos. "No I'm not angry with you or Anakin I guess I'm angry with myself… I actually envy you both, but I don't resent you, and I'm glad that Qui-Gon has found what he has been looking for."

"Obi-Wan, didn't you hear what Qui-Gon said about you, how he feels about you?" Xani questioned.

"Yes I heard him, and it made my heart ache to hear him admit his failings, it's just…. too late."

Tears were running down Qui-Gon's face as he listened to the desolation in his Padawan's voice. He couldn't keep quiet any longer and he started forward. "Obi-Wan, I am so sorry," he began, but stopped when Obi-Wan abruptly spun around, and seeing him approaching brought back the memory of the garden.

"Don't… come… near… me! he blurted out.

"Please Padawan, just listen, I am sorr"….. but before he could finish, Obi-Wan held up his hand.

"No…I'm not your padawan any more!" he said as he jumped from the courtyard wall and ran off into the forest.

Qui-Gon rushed over to the wall, he was going to follow Obi-Wan, but Mace and Xanatos stopped him.

"Give him some space, Qui-Gon; it's all happening to quickly. His commonsense will prevail in the end." Mace said.

Tbc…