Explanation for all of this-

In the summer of 2011, when I was about 10 years old, I told myself I was going to write a novel. I had no idea how much effort it would take. My writing style was absolutely horrible back then, and there wasn't any attempt at a decent plot. I was going to use the idea for a sequel to Into the Vortex, before realizing that I couldn't do it.

So, I edited the worst bits of this, and decided to post it here. It's not very good. It's not even in the Doctor Who continuum. I wrote it before I was a Whovian. But it made me smile slightly, so I'm putting it here. if you feel like adopting the idea of the Slayers and my character and turning it into your own story, PM me. I'd be more than happy to see someone giving it a new life, and a better plot.

Anyone could do it better than I could.


Sue Slayers: The Canon Rebellion


Chapter 1: Attack of the Extremely Handsome Guy

Expert from the Sue Slayer's Handbook: Emo Fangirls are very, very rare. They are moping, moaning creatures that naturally cannot be seen by Canons and hardly ever show up…

The handbook was wrong at this moment. 5 missions today, at Hogwarts, The Starship Heart of Gold, Camp Halfblood, Planet Krypton, and even the Jungle Book fanverse (who likes Baloo anyway?) and there were crying, flopping emos in all of them.

I'm Kitty Eden. I'm a Sue Slayer. Actually, that's just the name of the organization I work for; my real job is a fangirologist. That means that I track the patterns of different Fangirls: I was only in the field because all of the Slayers were out chasing Mary Sues and Marty Stus. I was only tracking Fangirls because I was the Head Fangirologist. Most of the other kids were back at SS HQ, giving me instructions through my headphones. And, if a Mary Sue popped up, they would play loud and distracting music through the same headset.

Did I mention I have the worst luck?

As I tranquilized the Emo crying in front of me (I was in Yu-Gi-Oh land at the moment) it started crying. Not unusual, considering the type of Fangirl it was, but it was what it was saying that caught my attention.

"Not- again… no please, don't do it… She- he- he'll kill me…"

The Emo retreated into the dark confines of unconsciousness; I brought my microphone up to my mouth.

"Hey, you guys there?"

Sophie, my second-in-command, responded.

"Yeah, where else would we be?"

I rolled my eyes, a rare skill that is sadly limited in some parts of the world.

"Did you hear what the Emo said?"

"Yup."

"And, is there any possible way," I continued, ladling on the fake politeness, "That you could possibly tell me WHAT THE HECK SHE MEANT!"

I ended with a deafening shriek. I could picture Sophie on the other end, wincing in pain.

"Alright, alright," she grumbled. I heard some clattering and laughing at the other end of the line, accompanied by the clinking of cups. Coffee break, I guessed. I always need some latte in my batte. I heard faintly Sophie yelling at some techies to 'put those #$%*** coffee mugs down'.

Wow.

I just extended my vocabulary.

Sophie popped back on.

"Alright, I've got Liam tracking your position," she said somewhat grumpily. Liam's the top techie for the Fangirologists. The top techie of all is named Apollo, and, truth be told, I've got a bit of a crush on him.

Sophie interrupted my love life with a rather different tone than her usual happy-go-lucky voice.

"Okay, Kitty? Nothing's really bad- we're just opening a portal back for you…"

Which of course had me reaching directly towards my gun.

I was right to do that, because as soon as my hand touched the grip, the most handsome young man I'd ever seen stepped out from behind an ancient-looking stone pillar.

He smiled at me dazzlingly and said in a voice so beautiful it made him look ugly, "Can you help me? I need to find Mai…"

I started to agree, to say of course I would. I heard Sophie and Liam yelling something at me, but it was fuzzy, distorted; I couldn't think properly. And, frankly, I didn't care. He was so handsome…

"3…2…1…on!" Liam said in my ear. And LMFAO streamed down the wires and directly into my ears. Needless to say, it woke me up almost immediately. I was suddenly alert; I grabbed my gun and loaded a vial of Sue Serum, forgetting that this was a Marty Stu and completely ignoring Sophie's yelling in my ears, well, actually, I took the earpiece out. I shot three rounds into the ugly- well, not really- creature. It then proceeded to melt piece by piece onto the mossy stone floor, screaming and clawing at the air in a most unearthly way. That was odd. They'd usually just collapse to the ground with a 'floomp' and disintegrate into pinkish dust.

I quickly plugged my earpiece back in.

"What did you say?"

"I said, that Serum is two weeks stale and does NOT WORK ON MARTY STUS!" she ended with a shriek.

"Oh." I glanced down at the gently sizzling remains of the Marty Stu. "Well, it seems that we've found an appropriate substitute for Stu Serum."

I could just feel Sophie and Liam rolling their eyes simultaneously, a fact that was confirmed when I heard them yelling at each other to 'not roll your eyes at me'.

I did a bit of eye rolling myself as they opened up the portal to take me back.

I hopped through quite quickly when an evil-looking boy with spiky hair and fully loaded card deck started meandering my way.


Chapter 2: OverParanonia

Excerpt from the Sue Slayer's Handbook: A word to the wise: don't aggravate your commander. There's no reason to do it, and it could be painful. So, just- just don't.

"Marty Stus and Emos?" Alicia asked. I was back at Due Slayer HQ, and I was being asked (*cough, cough* 'interrogated' *cough, cough*) about my six proud cleanups.

"It must be D-Da- sorry, Launch Day," I replied. Launch Day, or D-Day as some people called it was affecting all of the fan verses. It was the day when the final book of many book series was coming out. And the reason it was affecting all the fan verses was… (drumroll) the Newton Effect.

The Newton effect, taken from Newton's famous bump on the head with an apple, goes like this: if the book that everyone in a fandom has been waiting for comes out, it's like an apple hitting the ground. The 'apple' sends out vibrations- stories – that are usually complete and utter rubbish. Okay, so that's only one fandom, right? But FanFiction authors rarely just write for one fandom. They might belong to three, or even ten. And so they will write absolutely horrendous stories for those fandoms. And, as though that wasn't enough, others will mimic, and write more stories as a result. It'll go on and on, and, as there are tons of books being published every day, us Sue Slayers have quite a lot of work on our hands.

Alicia scratched her chin absently.

"Could you step outside for a moment, Kitty?" she asked me. "I've got to make a few calls." I knew exactly who she was going to call and why, but I didn't say anything, as that would meant revealing the miniature camera and microphone in there. I had snatched it the last time I was on a mission in a futuristic lab. Instead, I shrugged and stepped outside. There, I shut the door, and grabbed my iPad 5 out of my bag (Yes, we Sue Slayers have contacts at Apple) and inserted headphones into my ears. I opened up the iSpi app and selected 'Commander Office' from the long list of rooms I could virtually spy on. My finger hovered over the option to listen to Apollo's end, but I felt like I shouldn't invade his privacy. I hit 'Spi!' on the Control Panel and began to listen…

"Hello, Apollo."

Pause.

"Yes."

Longer pause.

"I've got to talk to you. It's about Kitty." She got up and started to pace the room. "Mmmhmm. She noticed how many emos were around before we did."

Pause.

"Yes. Newton Effect."

Pause.

"Yes, I understand. I'll take the risk and send her on this one."

She smiled, then her face stiffened.

"What?"

She disconnected, then headed straight for the door.

"KITTY EDEN!"

Wow. It was so graphic, that it almost sounded like she was standing right next to me. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and looked up. Oh.

"You were spying on me?! No one else here does that!"

"Want a list? Liam, Kathleen, Jared, Samantha, oh, and how did you think Apollo knew in the first place?"

Alicia grunted. "You remind me of myself before I became commander."

"Right," I said, stepping back into her office. "Now, how about that mission?"

There was a knock on the door.

"Oh yes," said Alicia. "I've asked Apollo to do a bug sweep of the room."

And yes, it was him, sweeping into the room and dazzling me to the point of stammering. The next few minutes passed in a blur, finally ending with Apollo pronouncing the room free of bugs and sweeping out. God, I'd love to be able to do that.

Then, Alicia pressed the button.


Chapter 3: A Full Tour (and I do mean FULL)

Excerpt from the Sue Slayer's Handbook: Secret missions are (obviously) secret. They should be kept that way.

The shutters clicked down. Laser scanners swept the room, bathing the office in bright blue light. The glints of hidden security cameras could now be seen. I, like everyone else at SS Australia, had heard of Top Secret mode, but it was basically at the same level as seeing an imperfect Stu or Sue: no one had ever seen it, but the once had a cousin twice removed whose sister-in-law's best friend…

You get the picture. Anyway, Top Secret mode is reserved for the briefing of the best missions, the top secret ones. When a fly comes into a room on Top Secret mode, not even the dust from the fly's toasted carcass is going to get out. So, naturally, I was very excited. Why wouldn't I be? I was going on a top secret mission. Alicia glanced around, which was stupid. The room was in lockdown, for crying out loud.

"Kitty, I have a secret mission for you."

Obvious.

"I didn't want anyone to know, so I sent the room into lockdown."

La de da. Obvious.

"You have 9 places to go to. Here."

Ob- Wait. What?

She pushed a list of places to me. I glanced down.

Authorization Room (B17)

Weapons Depot (E9)

Fangirologists HQ (C7)

Canonist Div. 20 (A2)

Disguises (R19)

Home (E8)

Tech Supplies (F12)

Music Department (U2)

Briefing Room 6 (L6)

I duly noted that roughly halfway through I was supposed to go to my room. Hmm. As well as that, there was a note addressed to B17.

"Well, go on then." I stared.

"We went through Complete Top Secret mode just so you could give me a piece of paper?"

"Oops. I didn't think of that."

I rolled my eyes, than left.

I can now tell you that going on a mission is pretty much a mission in itself. Before what is now ignobly referred to as the Big-Mess-Up-Oops-Rectified incident, I did not know that. But I suppose I should tell this story in chronological order. So, there I was, heading off to the Authorization Room. I usually went there to get permission to get supplies for Fangirl tracking. This time, however, I was getting a really special kind of permission- so I could go on the mission. Now, here at the Sue Slayers, each department personalizes their door. For example, at the Fangirologist Department, we have a 'X' over a picture of a rabid fangirl. For the Authorization room, however, the door slides open vertically, with teeth like things that separate. Yep, melodrama is alive and well in B16. I walked in and was greeted by the sight of 20 or so kids tapping at keyboards. A boy wearing a grumpy expression and a nametag that announced him to be 'Sam' held out his hand for the papers. He scowled as he opened them, then proceeded to

a) look shocked,

b) hit a few buttons on the computer, and

c) hand me an authorization card.

I gave him a cheery wave, and left.

Next was the Weapons Depot. I knew this place from memory, because my friend worked there. Her name was Kat, and so people often teased us about our names. Kitty Kat. Fortunately, they only ever did that once. Kat had access to the nearest guns, and she was kind of, shall we say...

trigger happy. She hugged me as I entered and then proceeded to shove me into her cubicle.

"Sooo..." she mused, looking over the racks of weapons she had set up.

"...a Sue Shooter 390?"

I grinned and took the shiny gun. It gleamed in the dim office light. Kat grinned right back.

"I knew you'd like it! Here, try it out a bit!" She pressed a button and a target lowered. I took aim and fired. Pink stuff glooped everywhere. Kat covered her mouth.

"Oops! Wrong gun!"

After I had gotten myself washed up, I headed over to the Fangirologist's HQ. Ah, my home. As I stepped in, everyone cheered and shouted and ran over to hug me.

Yeah, right.

In reality, I'm not that popular. I only have three real friends, I mean, ones that I trust.

Kat.

Ruby.

and... Tania. Who you've yet to meet.

None of them work in Fangirology, though. So I just collected the file on my desk, and I quietly left.

I quickly nipped into Canonist's (To pick up details on possible characters I might meet) and to Disguises (A chic maid outfit!) and then I headed to my apartment. Whatever I was supposed to do there. I opened the door. An angel was there, and by that I mean Apollo.

To make a long story short, Apollo warned me. I can't remember what about.

Tech Supplies. I guess the rank 'F12' was a joke. Fiona was there to greet me. Or not. I hate her, and the feeling's completely mutual. She handed me some supplies; I could tell by the wicked grin on her face that she was up to no good... I resolved to get Alicia to debug them before I left.

My friend Tania works in the Music Department, which is coincidentally where I was heading next. You see, to keep the Sues and Fangirls away, you need specific types of music, with the right types of beat. Usually rocks and pop songs. Unfortunately, the songs are usually really bad ones. Jack Vidgen, for example. Or One Direction. The worst bit was that Justin Bieber songs were the best for the job. And he's the worst one of the lot. I mean, there's only so many times that you can hear "Baby, baby" played over.

Tania is a really big tease. I ordered some Katy Perry (she's bearable) but I could tell that Tanya was about to load Bieber onto my playlist.

Thankfully, then, the sirens went off.


Chapter 4: WEEEOOOO! WEEEEOO!

Excerpt from A Slayer's Guide to Mary Sues: A Canon Quake is when a Canonverse undergoes a dramatic change: eg., A new book published. Our advice is to hide in an underground cavern, preferably stocked with canned food, for a couple hundred years.

The words were on everyone's lips as they hurried to their posts. Canon Quake? I thought that too, as I grabbed my equipment and started to head to my area. As I passed Alicia in a hallway, her arm shot out and grabbed mine. I started and ran after her. She shoved a file into my hands. She seemed to be doing that a lot.

"Read this on the way! Get into a portal jumper."

I ran off to the docks.

I suppose at this point I should explain the SS's cosmology.

There are four different universes. One is the one that you're sitting in right now, the Norm aVerse. Or whatever. The Sue Slayers don't spend much time in this verse, only to visit their family and buy supplies.

Then there's what I suppose you could call Limbo. The ground's white. The sky's white. There's night and day, though. It's weird. The Sue Slayers have their HQ there, as well as a bunch of apartments for people that want to take a break. The Sues and Fangirls have their areas somewhere there too.

Then there's the Canon Verses. Everything is the same as the Normal Verse except the canon characters live there. For example, in a Harry Potter Canon Verse, everything would be normal, but there'd be a school of Witchcraft and Wizardry somewhere in Europe.

And then the Fanonverses. The same as the Canonverses. As you can imagine, there are millions of them.

There. You've received what us Slayers call the 'thirty-second version'. That's the whole universe as we know it in a nutshell.

Of course the multiverses exist as well, which means there can be an infinite amount of ways these universes are set up...

But let's not go there. Quantum Physics makes my head hurt.

I opened the file.

Kitty Eden, you have been selected to go on a mission.

Wow, these guys were psychic.

This is to find out what the fangirls are up to.

Recent updates have shown that they have teamed up with the Mary Sues. All 12 types.

I nearly type? Fine. Two types? Okay... but all 12 types of Mary Sues?

This may be to do with what you guys have so aptly named 'D-Day'.

(Nice name, BTW.)

You have been selected to spy on the fangirls because of your extreme sophistication with speaking Fangirlise. This, along with the fact that you are quite cute, means that you can pose as a fangirl.

Scream starting in 3...2...1...

My shriek echoed all the way back to HQ.

When I arrived at Fangirl HQ, I quickly switched languages.

"lyk, so ttly awsme! i in lnd of fngrlz. yayz!" Like, so totally awesome! I'm in fangirl land!

Okay, so I was in language. I glanced down at my clothes. Fuzzy pink jacket, fuzzy pink skirt (I don't even know how that's possible), fuzzy pink beanie, and fuzzy pink slippers. I was ready. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. A fangirl opened the door. I took a sharp intake of breath. This wasn't just any fangirl. It was Samantha Yissy. The top rabid fangirl in Australia.
"hi hw r u?" she chattered impossibly fast. I paused for a second before chattering back.

"OMG, i, lyk, herd bout u nd wnt to SQUEEEE! w/u!" Oh my god, I heard about you and want to join up with you.

A squee is when a group of fangirls goes galloping after a canon character. It can also mean the loud, brain piercing screech a fangirl makes. Or a collective noun for a group of fangirls. Geez. That's a lot of meanings. Then again, try looking up 'with' in a dictionary. Samantha looked me up and down critically.

"kay cme in w/me i shw u round." Okay, come in with me and I'll show you around.

I bounced up and down with simulated squee-ness and we both ran in.

Can I just tell you, that the fangirls have a lot of time on their hands. They had separate rooms for everything. Of course, being fangirls, they were not organized. At all. As I peeked into one room (te traning rm) one fangirl trainer was being squeed by the students. I suppressed a grin. This was going to be so, so, easy. Samantha led me around. She was suprising nice to me, considering that she was the most dangerous fangirl in Australia.

I guess it's just a fangirl thing.

Inside I was grinning my head off. Everything was disorganized. There was no way that they could attack us and win. Being the cautious person I am...

(Back at base, Kat laughed her head off)

...I decided to check with the fangirl.

"sooo wat is de pln? i wnt to hlp s mch s i cn." So what is the plan? I want to help as much as I can.

Samantha smiled and showed her trademark rabid fangirl teeth.

"cme w/me" You shouldn't need a translation there.

And I headed into the deepest, darkest, corner of the fangirl lair.

The truth was, the reveal was really anticlimactic. We arrived at a cafeteria. More fangirls of every shape and sort were sitting around, chatting to each other. It was... normal. Well, it would have been if they weren't talking in fangirlise. And the other thing...

A fanboy walked into the room. A whole lotta heads turned his way. The fanboy looked remarkably like Harry Potter. Which is why I was totally unsurprised at what happened next.

The Potterverse girls all grinned evilly, and, as if synchronised, leapt.

It was a vicious, but beautiful attack. One fangirl leapt like a ballerina across the room, an image that was totally ruined by her less-than-perfect landing.

"Ow. That will hurt for a while," I quietly remarked.

The rest of them hauled 'Harry' onto their shoulders and ran off, giggling about the things they would do to him.

Ugh. Baaaaaad mental image. Don't think about it.

The fangirl and I waited for whatever we were waiting for. A bell rang. I guessed that was our cue.

Samantha ushered me into a dark room.

(at this point I'm skipping this. I can't write it at the moment, so I'll come back later.)


Chapter 5: Traitor

Excerpt from the Sue Slayer's Handbook: Simply put- Uh, oh.

The doorknob turned with a creak, but I had already worked out who it was.

"You," I hissed. He turned to me with a hint of a smile on his face.

"Really, Kitty," he replied smoothly. "Did you I'd just sit there and let the Sues take over? They are my brethren, after all."

I growled at the guy I had a crush on.

Apollo laughed softly at the horrified look on my face.

"Yes, I'm a Marty-Stu, and very proud of it."

He walked out of the room, probably to end on a dramatic note, but I was lost in my thoughts.

Traitor.

The word echoed through my mind. It was hard to connect Apollo to that.

The funny thing was, I still liked him. Still wanted to kiss him, even after he had had me thrown in a dungeon.

Traitor.

God, love was stupid.

But I could dwell on stupid later. First, I had to get out of the dungeon.

I stood, and ran my hands over the walls. Flawless. Must have been crafted by a Sue.

I groaned aloud. This would take longer than usual. But it would be possible.

First of all, I took out my Omni Tool. Omni Tools do pretty much everything that a Slayer could want. Unlocking doors was just one of those things. I placed the Tool next to the lock and waited for it to click.

I waited a bit more.

And waited.

Then I remembered.

"Stupid Fiona," I growled, flinging the tool to the floor. SHe must have tampered with it. I resolved to talk to Alicia when I got back.

If I got back, that is.

Knowing there was nothing else I could do, I settled back against the hard stone floor to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

After two days of waiting, I was beginning to get seriously bored. At least the food was okay, but the sparkly pink-ness of it all was starting to get on my nerves.

The door opened again. It was a lower class fangirl. She had come with my (sparkly pink) food. Seeing the look on my face, which was murderous to say the least, she turned and ran. I smiled nastily after her and sat down to eat the Sparkly. Pink. Food.

Grr.

I snarled at the fangirl, who eeped and ran. I grinned and experimentally rattled the doorknob.

It fell open.

I stared at it.

"Well, that was anticlimactic," I muttered, and left the cell.

I wandered the (sparkly pink) halls of the fangirl lair. It also smelled like lavender, which was a bit deterring. Lavender was one of the worst smells in the world to me. I passed a shrine to Draco Malfoy, complete with several fangirls praying at it. I have recently been working on a project about Draco fangirls, and I can't seem to work out what they like about him. I mean, he's pretty ugly, he's horrible to Harry, and he's a DEATH EATER, for crying out loud.

Huh.

They must be just twisted, I guess.

I continued down the hallway, occasionally ducking behind random objects to hide from approaching fangirls. The main problem with my "escape" was that I had no idea where to go to get out. This place was almost as bad as HQ.

Suddenly my attention was grabbed by a conversation in a room just off the corridor where I was standing.

"Yes, we have all the troops organised for the attack tomorrow," one voice said.

"Are they organised?"

"As much as fangirls can be," said someone very familiar.

Apollo, I groaned inside my head.

I kept listening in.

"That upstart bunch of teens will never know what hit them!"

I decided to walk away.

I kept on walking along, always turning right at intersections. I felt it was the only way I could get somewhere.

Pink wall, dark pink carpet, light pink ceiling. My surroundings began to blend together, and I hurried past doors as quick as I could, as if I could blend in with my surroundings if I did. The odd lighting throughout where ever we were located gave it a happy, but somehow sinister feeling.

At some point, I started to feel like I was being watched. I glanced around at regular intervals. I couldn't see anyone, but couldn't shake the feeling.

I started to get paranoid, and instead of keeping a steady course, I took random paths. After a while, I looked around. And groaned. I was even more lost than before. Why had I done that?

A hand landed on my shoulder. I shrieked, almost squeed.
Oh yeah. Someone was stalking me.

I whirled around and immediately noticed it was the fangirl I had scared earlier.

She winked at me.

Then I realised.

"RUBY?"

"Ahh, the great Slayer figures it out," my friend quipped. She pressed a couple of buttons on her portal generator. A fuzzy white line flickered into life. Our portals at SS are very temperamental. If you aren't good with them, they could fling you into the South Pacific ocean. Or the Twilight Verse (Ugh.).

Luckily, I knew that Ruby was extremely adept at creating portals.. so I only lost the tip of a finger.

And it grew back later, so it wasn't a biggie.

"Come on," Ruby said, hurrying out of the portal room. "We have to get to Alicia to get you debriefed."

We made an odd couple, two fangirls hurrying down the corridors of the Sue Slayers. A lot of people turned and stared, but Ruby cocked her paintball gun at them, and they kept on turning.

"What happened there?" Ruby asked. "How the heck did you mess up so badly that you ended up in a dungeon?"

I turned my face away from her quickly, so she wouldn't see my guilty face. I really didn't want to turn Apollo in to the Slayers for some reason, and I go bright red when I lie.

"I slipped up," I told her frankly. "I spoke normally for a second, and they could tell." I paused. I really didn't want to ruin her mood, but...

"Ruby, they've got Mary-Sues."

My friend stopped in her tracks and turned directly towards me, her eyes wide.

"WHAT?"

I gulped.


Chapter Six: An Explanation, of Sorts

Excerpt from A Slayer's Guide to Mary-Sues: There are seventeen types of Mary Sue.

The Angsty Sue is always moping about and complaining about her perfectly tragic backstory. She always is angsting about how horrible she's been. Prolonged listening to her will hypnotise the listener and force them to obey her until a slap with a rubber noodle is applied to the face.

The Sue of Quests is only found in fantastical fandoms, and is favoured by the gods. She has many deus ex machina jewelery pieces and is horrible overendowed with rare and obscure magical powers. She is central to any quest and the male characters or lesbians will crowd to drag her along.

A Hybrid Sue is the disgusting but strangely attractive result of a crossbreeding between two or more species that would usually not mate- say, for example, a minotaur/pegasus crossbreed.

The Somebody's Sister Sue is the sister (or sometimes, brother) of a main canon character. She will overshadow the main character and prove invaluable in any type of quest or adventure.


Chapter Seven: Owie?

"Why are we heading this way?" I asked Ruby as she stormed angrily in a direction opposite to where Alicia's office was. Ruby gritted her teeth, and made a sharp left turn.

"Her office is stuck on Lock Down, it can't be deactivated," she explained briefly, still looking pretty incensed.

Despite the gravity of the situation, I couldn't help grinning. Looked like it had come back to bite her.