A/N I'm not sure about this chapter. I love it but I'm not sure if it works? I reckon that this would sit into the timeline somewhere around Undercover Mother. Something definitely changes between Barba and Liv in advance of December Solstice and the infamous "What are you gonna be doing when you're 85?, Squabbling with you" line. I have debated getting second opinions before posting it but I wasn't sure how to go about it. I've been an SVU fan for so long but I have also woven some very personal experiences into this story, it wasn't planned, it has just happened as it continued past the initial couple of chapters. I try to minimize my personal exposure online, I am a very private person, and I hate that I find myself needing to write this. I understand reading and never reviewing, I do it myself but I ask, especially now that so few people are reading, please tell me what you think?
It's strange how things just change. How something perfectly normal in one moment becomes anything but, in the next.
It might be the fact that I've worked, probably, 80 hours in the last week. Or it could be that I still struggle to sleep, even when I finally fall, exhausted, into my bed. It could be the end of a bad week, hell, a bad month…...is it even the same month anymore? It could be the steady stream of heartbreaking cases I bring before a court in an attempt to see justice done. It could be all of this, or none of it. Or it could be the one case that won't let me go, the one case that has changed it all for me.
It's Sunday and I'm not due in the office. I have a bit of work to do at home but by my standards it's practically a day off.
In a luxurious rebellion against my usual routine I opt to eat breakfast and then shower.
I can't help wondering how Liv is? And Rollins?
My conversations with Liv replay in my head.
The relief that Rollins seems to be doing better is immeasurable. I know Liv spoke to her before her return. I didn't pry for detail but it seems like she opened up a little more and that she now knows we are here for her. Liv is more relaxed about it, that's enough for me, their private conversation is just that, private. It's our earlier exchange that is stuck in my head…
I still can't understand how she could have fallen victim to sexual assault previously. How could anyone want to hurt her like that? How could a person want to hurt anyone like that? I feel like the last while has given me a much more personal, true insight into the crime I spend my days fighting against. There was so much I didn't know, didn't understand. I'm not sure I really truly understand it now?
Two smart, educated, SVU detectives have to struggle so hard to not feel damaged, dirty and responsible for a crime perpetrated against their bodies. Even working as the Special Victims Unit Assistant District Attorney, I have never completely understood the special nature of these crimes, the true depth of the effects of these horrors.
I find myself considering how I will approach sex now. It seems like such a selfish, un-important matter in view of all that has happened, but I keep coming back to it. Ever since I started working with this unit I have been cautious, conscious of my behaviour, my state of intoxication, and that of my partner. I've specifically asked, more than once, if our activities were ok, should I slow down. I've refused to continue if I was worried that my partner was more intoxicated than me. But now, I can't even begin to consider it.
As I step into the shower, a thought strikes full force.
MY body could be used as a weapon to terrorize and brutalise a woman.
MY penis is capable of doing what was done to Rollins.
I look down at my naked form, suddenly hating that part of me. Hating that I even possess the same body part as was used to do this to Rollins, to Liv…
I feel ridiculous. A 45 year old man standing in his shower, suddenly hating the penis he has always had.
I've never believed that particular appendage is what makes a man, a man, but now I'm rethinking.
Are there any circumstances I could ever possibly….?
But does just being in possession of the necessary equipment make me a potential rapist?
I can't help putting myself in Patten's position. The answer scares me. No, I wouldn't take advantage of a subordinate like that, but if I was drunk in bed with a woman…..I flash back to my wilder youthful days, I've many times been drunk in bed with a woman….. Oh god, is it possible that I wouldn't know consent had been withdrawn? Is it possible I didn't know that consent was withdrawn?
This notion brings me, literally, to my knees. The water continues to surge over my hunched body as I kneel, traumatised, on the floor of my shower, my stomach roiling violently. Wishing desperately that I had stayed true to my shower before breakfast routine, I stand up slowly exiting the shower. I quickly dry myself, desperately avoiding the part of me that is causing this disgust.
Is it possible that in a rush of drunken lustful fumbling I could miss the cues? I couldn't miss someone fighting against me or crying no, but I know all to well how dangerous this stereotypical myth is. Could I miss it if my partner tried to stop me and froze?
At this query, I bolt into the bathroom to vomit back up my breakfast.
As I sit on the floor beside the toilet, I realize how serious this train of thought is, and how I can't hope to process it alone.
I could speak to the department shrink. It goes against my personality but I need to sort this out immediately. I can't expect Rollins to ask for help if I can't do it myself.
I wonder could I maybe speak to Liv instead? Is it fair, I don't want her to feel any responsibility?
Maybe this would be an ideal opportunity to talk to Rollins, I feel she would be more open to a a two-way conversation, or is it too much to burden her with now?
Maybe if I just wait it out a couple of days it will resolve itself?
No! Rafael, you know better than that.
I'll try Liv for advice, I decide as my hand finds my phone calling her number automatically.
"Benson"
"Good morning Liv. Am I disturbing you?"
"Not at all Counselor. What can I do for you?
"I….ehmmmm…..I think that maybe I could do with a little advice please,... if you have the time?"
"Rafael, of course, are you ok? You don't sound like your usual self? Do you want to talk in person?"
"If you don't mind….?"
"Please, come over as soon as you are ready?"
"Thanks Liv"
"See you soon Rafael, drive safe."
I finish getting dressed, trying to put the thoughts rampaging through my head to one side for the short time it takes to get ready and drive to Liv's.
My mind now starts to wander into new territory,..…fantasy. What red-blooded man doesn't have the fantasy of taking complete control of a sexual situation? Having a woman completely submit to his sexual desires. Is this though just a socially acceptable version of some sort of watered down rape fantasy?
I know that I could never hurt a woman, not like that, never.
It doesn't help calm the panic overtaking me. Somewhere deep inside me I know this is probably just my addled mind trying to process…..Rollins' recently disclosed rape, Liv's recently disclosed assault, Lewis, even the cases that fill my ever waking hour.
I feel like somehow I just can't make enough of a difference.
I find myself standing in front of Liv's door before I can formulate a plan of how to start this conversation. I must have knocked, I don't remember doing it, but I must have, as the door swings open.
"Rafael. Come in." she steps back, away from the door, moving into the kitchen.
She quickly pours a second cup of coffee. Taking the two full cups of steaming liquid to the living room, she tells me to take a seat and sits beside me on the soft inviting couch. Passing me the fresh cup of coffee she catches my eye, "Are you ok, Rafael?"
I take a second to contemplate an answer, taking a sip of the steaming liquid. I have no earthly idea how to answer her but I hear my lips betray me "How do you do this Liv?"
She looks to me, completely unsurprised. Her reaction is not what I expected. I expected …..I don't know what...but something else…...
"It's not the same, Rafael,…it can't be the same…"
I don't understand her answer. It's like she's answering a different question, not the one I asked. I can't help the quizzical look I throw her…
She shrugs off the look continuing, "...all the cases we deal with every day, it's not the same when you know them…..".
Not for the first time, her insight has floored me. How did she know exactly what I really wanted to talk about? How did she know what has brought me to her?
The relief floods through me. Still not really sure what to say I stay quiet, content to sip the hot coffee I clasp in my curled hands.
"I've never heard anyone say the words for the first time," I hear my voice confess. She just looks to me, giving me her full attention, but not interrupting.
"I just can't….It shouldn't have happened…..not to her….not to you…."
She looks almost surprised to hear me refer to her.
"Liv, I'm so glad that you told me." I hasten to add. "I just hate that this happened, ...to both of you….."
She starts to open her mouth to speak but seems to think better of it, instead lifting her cup to take another comforting sip.
Emboldened by her implied permission, I keep speaking, "I don't understand how a man could hurt a woman like that…...and then I find myself hating the part of my body that could do that."
We are not shy of using the word 'penis,' it peppers our daily conversations, but in this circumstance it feels wrong, I can't bring myself to say it. I feel childish…...
"I'm so scared, Liv, what if I could do this? What if I have done this?"
It's only after I've said it, I realize what has come out of my mouth. I gulp back the sob that was fighting its way out behind the words, shakily putting down the cup.
"Oh, Rafael." She mumbles, putting her own cup down.
She takes my two hands in hers, as I stare unfocused at my shoes.
"Rafael, look at me"
My eyes don't move.
"Please, Rafael" she entreats.
My eyes meet hers and I see the tears glistening in my eyes are mirrored in hers.
"Please don't hate any part of yourself. You are a good man. You have never hurt anyone like that. You could never hurt anyone like that."
I hear my voice betray me again, "You can't be sure of that…."
"Yes I can." She answers confidently. "I know you Rafael, you couldn't ever do that"
I look at her hesitantly, reveling in her confidence in me, but still not convinced.
She rubs my hands that now clasp hers "Rafael, have you ever listened to a woman say no and continued regardless?"
No! How could she think I would ever do that?
"Have you ever had a woman try to push you off her, try to stop you physically?"
No of course not. She really believes I would be happy to have sex with a woman who was trying to fight me off her?
"Rafael, have you ever had sex with a woman who froze and cried instead of participating?"
These images she is painting play in HD in my mind. I try not to vomit as I almost feel someone pushing against me as I disregard their wishes, crying. I almost leap out of my skin, the images in my head too disturbing to allow. The shaking of my head no longer suffices in answer to her questions as tears roll down my face in horror, "God! NO! Liv who do you think I am? If I even worry if she is drunk, I stop. I would never….."
I stop dead, mid sentence as I see her smile, the tears still running freely down my cheeks.
"Well then, Rafael Barba, you have never raped a woman, you could never rape a woman."
I can't breathe. The tears unstopping, I sob unashamedly.
I couldn't…I really couldn't. There is no way I could miss any of that…...I could never rape a woman.
All of a sudden a collage of images of my sexual history barrages me; I remember back to an humiliating incident years ago, losing the ability to 'perform' when a partner told me to "just get on with it', my embarrassment disappearing now as I realize my interest was contingent on her enjoying it, if she wasn't enjoying it, I couldn't continue… I really could not hurt a woman like that.
The relief is incredible.
Only now do I feel the arms wrapped around me. She kneels slightly to my right, her arms wrapped around my hunched back, her head resting on my shoulder. I should be mortified but instead I find myself allowing my body to relax into the embrace.
I could never rape a woman.
She had to make me realize it for myself. I would never have just believed her.
"Thank you Liv" I whisper into the brown hair. The brown head just dips a couple of times gently.
I wrap my arms around her now too, turning on my knees to face her twisted body, her head never leaving my shoulder as we cling to each other.
Now it is her turn to whisper, "I just feel so helpless, I couldn't stop it, it was too long ago….."
"He was her superior….."
"He beat her, bit her, threatened her, RAPED her, and somehow she still feels guilty….."
I try to say something but my parched mouth doesn't allow it, I just nod and hold her tighter, rubbing her back gently as her sobs shake through her.
"I try so hard not to," I admit, softly, as much to myself as to her, "but I can't help seeing it,…in my head, …..over and over"
"I know! It won't stop…" she concurs.
We both kneel in in this same position sobbing, crying unashamedly, sharing the little details we never thought we would say out loud to another living soul.
"I still feel 'dirty', guilty about Harris…..He came so close, I couldn't have stopped him, if Fin hadn't come in…."
I swallow painfully, "Thank God, Fin got there in time…."
"And Lewis,…..I still can't be sure what he did when I was out…."
"I begged him to do it, I wanted to live…"
The tears come faster from both of us at this, I'd had this thought so many times, I know she doesn't need an answer but I nod. Words are not necessary for her to know I understand….. but I can't help my own admission slip out, "I shouldn't have let him walk".
Her head shakes, "When I went to the granary, I really thought he'd rape and kill me, and I didn't care anymore…I just wanted it to all stop!"
Oh God. "You should hate me, I made it all possible for him to do that to you…"
Again her head shakes, "Sometimes I wonder would it be easier if he had raped me…instead of this….…?" a sob stops the flow of words momentarily, "Somehow with everything that he did, even though I didn't want it,... if even he didn't want me…"
How can she not see how amazing she is?
"I hate that you have to carry all of this…..that it happened TWICE,... that I can't protect you…" I don't know that I have ever meant words as much…
"I don't want to be able to imagine Lewis on top of you…" I continue to croak out.
"I don't want Rollins to feel like this" she growls.
"I hate that I didn't understand all that you were going through, all that she is going through…." I moan.
The tearful confessions continue unhindered until she raises her head from my shoulder, I mirror her action, our arms staying wrapped around each other.
"You know Lewis wasn't your fault?" she asks.
"Nor yours," I counter…
At this she nods and smiles softly. "I suppose it just doesn't always feel the way it is".
Our arms gently unwind themselves as we sit back against the couch. There is no embarrassment or self-consciousness, as we sit in gentle contemplation, silently supporting each other. We are safe to let out the demons.
