Chapter Nine – Blood on His Hands
"Kirito!"
The voice sounded like it was coming from a million miles away. A strange rushing sound filled Kirito's ears as he kneeled on the stone floor, his wide eyes staring unblinkingly at the place where Diabel's body had been just seconds before.
This is your fault, his voice echoed. My blood is on your hands.
Kirito couldn't move his body. He couldn't even feel it. It seemed as though his veins ran cold with ice as he froze in place, eyes wide and jaw slack. Those words. How many times had some internal voice said the same things, only to have him fight them? And now a dead man had come back to confirm that very dread. Diabel's death was his fault.
My blood is on your hands.
If he had been faster; if he had been stronger; if he had been right next to Diabel to back him up, maybe the man would still be alive today. Maybe he wouldn't have been cut down before he could see his own victory. Kirito clenched his fists and jaw, the numbness in his body giving way to agonizing pain.
This is your fault.
"Kirito!" the cry was closer this time, but still somehow far away. He couldn't turn to look. He couldn't respond. All he could do was hear Diabel's voice echoing in his mind.
I know the name of my murderer.
Kazuto Kirigaya.
…the name of my murderer.
…my murderer.
MURDERER.
"Kirito!"
He didn't know how it happened. Kirito wasn't even aware of his own body. But in one moment, he had drawn his sword and pressed it against the flesh of whatever unlucky creature had just approached him. Breathing heavy and eyes filled with fire, Kirito's body stood as taut as a wire stretched to its maximum length. His right hand was clutching the hilt of his sword, the other grasping the fabric of a white tunic.
"Ki… ri…"
The gasp came from whoever he currently had his sword against right now. As his eyes cleared and the darkness began to fade, he realized that he was staring into a familiar set of honey-colored eyes. They were wide. Afraid. No, terrified. Whatever monster raged inside Kirito had just taken over, and those eyes now glistened with terror at the sight of him.
His fist slackened from around the tunic fabric, and he felt the muscles in his face slowly relax. The hideous scowl that had drawn the lines of his face together sank into an expression of desperation as he stared back into Asuna's eyes. It was her. He had attacked her. He had pressed his sword against her. And now it was her eyes that stared back into his in horror.
He couldn't say anything. He couldn't move. His mind was silent, his nerves raw. The girl stared up at him, her hands slowly moving upwards until, trembling, they cupped his face. With gentle fingers, Asuna brushed against Kirito's cheeks and let salty tears run down her hands. He hadn't even realized he had been crying. Kirito let his sword arm drop to his side, and he heard the cold metal clatter against the stone floor as he collapsed to his knees again.
Asuna wrapped her arms around him and held him tight as his body shook violently. She whispered soft assurances in his ear, but he couldn't hear them. He couldn't hear anything. How could he? How could he think or feel anything at this point? A ghost had come back just to confirm his worst fears.
I am a murderer.
The thought stabbed him through the heart, causing a sharp ache to form in his chest. In the real world, who had Diabel been? Did he have family? Friends? Maybe a girlfriend or a wife? And because Kirito hadn't saved him, those people would never see that man again. It was his fault. No wonder a ghost had come back to blame him.
"Get him up!" a low voice rumbled somewhere close by.
"We need to get him out of here!" another voice chimed in. "He's in no state to fight! I knew it was too soon!"
The world around him began to come into focus, but only barely. It was as though someone had put a hazy lens over his eyes and shoved cotton balls in his ears. Everything was muted and dull.
"Keep blocking Illfang!" a familiar female voice cried. "Everyone, stay focused! There's only a little bit left on his HP! We can still win!"
"Kirito," Asuna whispered gently, cutting through the fog. "We need to get up. We need to get you out of here."
He couldn't respond. Though he wanted to agree or grunt or… anything, Kirito couldn't manage to make any sound. Instead, he felt Asuna slowly begin to lift him up, shouldering his weight. All around him, he saw the members of the raid party trying to keep Illfang preoccupied while Asuna dragged Kirito towards the throne room's giant doors. She was trying to get him out of there. She was trying to save him.
"No," he rasped. "We're so close. We… we can beat him."
"You're in no shape to fight," she grunted as she pulled him harder, gritting her teeth with the effort. "We were hasty. We shouldn't have come here."
Kirito planted his feet against the floor and stopped her attempt to get him to safety. When she looked at him, his eyes met hers briefly before he turned his gaze towards Illfang. "We're not leaving yet." A rage began to build inside of him, turning his whole world red. He pulled away from Asuna's hold as he glared at the giant beast roaring several yards away from them.
Murderer.
The accusation shot fire through his veins. Breathing heavy and arms tingling with hot rage, Kirito angled his movements towards Illfang. Not again, he thought as everything else faded around him. The creature sliced his blade through the air, making contact with at least ten risen shields. Why am I playing this scenario out again!? This was supposed to be different! This was supposed to be a new start! This was supposed to be my redemption!
The familiar energy flooded through him as Kirito's feet quickened their pace until he was racing in a dead-sprint towards the massive beast. He lifted his sword high above his head, his eyes wide with desire to slice through Illfang's flesh and make him suffer. With every hit to the tall creature, Diabel's face appeared in Kirito's vision again and again.
You did this. His voice rang through Kirito's head with every clash of armor and steel. My blood is on your hands.
"Shut up," Kirito growled with heavy breaths, his sword flying through the air and sending glittering shards of data through the air.
Your fault.
"Shut up!" he cried, stabbing the monster in the stomach and watching the red sparks fly.
Murderer.
"SHUT UP!" Kirito's screams echoed off the walls and shook the marble beneath the other players' feet. With one, quick upwards movement, Kirito's sword shot through Illfang's chest and neck. In one moment, the whole beast exploded into a million shards and rained down around Kirito and the other players.
The black-clad swordsman watched, his chest heaving with each breath, as the familiar congratulatory message displayed in his vision. The other players responded with a mixture of victory and confusion, some glancing hesitantly at Kirito. The teen saw the final attack bonus item appear in his inventory. He knew that Asuna and the others were watching him in concern.
"Kirito," Asuna whispered, her eyes full of emotion. But he couldn't handle it right now. He was a solo player. He needed to handle this on his own. Without another word, Kirito brought up his player menu and hit the Log Out button. As the world faded around him, he watched Asuna's eyes fill with confusion and pain, as though he had just slapped her in the face.
I'm sorry, he thought. But he didn't know if he directed it towards Asuna, Diabel, or himself.
