"You do realize that you're not actually in charge, right?"
"I totally am."
"You're not," Felicity insisted.
"What? Are you telling me that you're the one in charge?" Cisco asked as he bit off a piece of licorice.
Apparently her first full day back at work meant that she had to oversee the finalizing of The Pipeline repairs. Most of it had been done in her absence. Right now, they were all running through checklists, though Alex was fairly sure that it was mostly just Cisco and Felicity arguing between the two of them.
"Actually, she's in charge," Caitlin reminded them both as she motioned in Alex's direction, speaking up after being silent since Alex had walked into the room (besides a polite quiet greeting). "Just in case you two forgot."
So far as she could tell, Barry was either out superhero-ing with Kara (or alone if the DEO needed it) in between doing basically anything he was asked to (whether that was speeding through The Pipeline doing something, tweaking something down there, or just getting lunch). Curtis was down in The Pipeline walking it over with Benanti and Torres. They were really trying to make sure that they had all of their bases covered. They wanted to make sure that everything was operating properly and that all systems were checking out correctly.
"Just know that I will have no more snacks or food deliveries if you're not being productive," Alex half teased, but was actually also serious. "That means no more donuts either."
"Oh, that's cruel," Cisco breathed. "That's downright cruel."
"Just so you know, I was totally scanning code while I was arguing with Cisco," Felicity said as she motioned to her computer screen.
She knew that Felicity and Curtis normally didn't work with 'Team Flash' too often, which was likely why they were all still alive because Alex was fairly certain that people would have killed each other at this point otherwise. Likely she was thinking this because she felt like strangling people in that moment.
There was actually no need for her to actually be there overseeing, she knew that, technically Adler was once again in charge of it. She'd been overseeing things while Alex had been on her trial version of living a normal life, but Alex also knew how Adler was with scientists (and now she was very much feeling like Adler likely felt). J'onn had actually really tried to argue against her being around The Pipeline at all while it was being finished up, but something inside of Alex told her that she needed to be there. Maybe J'onn was right, maybe in a way she was punishing herself, but she liked to think that it was because she just wanted to make sure that nothing could happen like how things had happened to Max.
It had to be right.
"I think I'm going to go walk The Pipeline with Benanti," Alex said suddenly as she got to her feet. She realized that they were all looking at her and it was clear that they thought that that was a bad idea. Alex didn't care. She needed to move. She could see it all on the cameras, she had access to the plans, she had access to all of the fail safes, but none of that replaced her being able to walk it and see it with her own eyes.
"Uh, but I thought we needed to be watched," Cisco said grasping for something flatly and hesitantly, obviously trying to come up with a reason for her to say and doing so failingly.
"You do," Alex confirmed. "I'm sure Adler will walk by and peek in on you all."
"For someone who's always carrying around brightly iced donuts with sprinkles, she's frightening," Cisco commented.
"She'd probably actually really take that as a compliment," Felicity spoke up.
"She would," Alex confirmed. "Might want to try that line when you see her...maybe you'll get a donut."
"I'm not sure I really wanted to risk my life for a donut," Cisco grumbled.
Alex just left them without another word. She was determined and she knew that she needed to act quickly before she could talk herself out of it or before J'onn interfered with her mission to go down to The Pipeline. She had to. It was now or never.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Making it to The Pipeline was the easy part. Walking down the bridge was the harder part because all she could do was drag her feet and swallow down the pain that she felt as she tried to push back the memories that threaten to take over her completely.
"Alex."
She sucked in a breath and then turned to see J'onn standing there behind her. Alex expected a lecture, but instead he simply took her hand in his and stood there with her. She looked down at their hands and then back up at him, thankful for the support.
They didn't need words in that moment.
"Hey, you okay?"
Alex looked up and over. "Yeah-"
"You sure?"
A cup of coffee was placed in front of her and she let out a sigh. Alex wrapped her fingers around the coffee mug and pulled it close. She took in the smell of the hot beverage before moving her eyes to the woman that was now sitting in the chair just a few feet away. "No," Alex told her.
"You went down into The Pipeline," Caitlin said softly. "Are you okay?" she asked again.
J'onn had been with her, so it at least she'd had support. It was better that way. "No," she whispered as she looked back down at her coffee. "All I can think about when I'm down there is about how Trigon killed Max...and all that time we spent in the dark just thinking about that and having no idea what was happening outside with the world."
"No matter what I say, it's not going to make it better or easier," Caitlin said gently. "You have people to lean on, people who are willing to be there when you need them to be and even when you don't, and they absolutely love you. As hard as it is, that's all you really need...and work." Alex was a little surprised to hear that. "From what I have seen of you and heard about you, you are a bit of a workaholic."
"I like my job."
"Me too," Caitlin said with a small smile. "Even when it's just sort of babysitting Cisco and Barry to make sure they're behaving."
"I thought Felicity was the one doing the babysitting?"
"She technically is supposed to be babysitting Curtis," Caitlin told her brightly. "It's...we're a family...even if we seem dysfunctional at times."
"We all need one."
"A family?"
"And the dysfunction," Alex added with a small smile. She sipped the coffee for a moment and sucked in a breath. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For checking on me."
"Anytime."
The crash of the waves was there for a moment.
The salty smell of the ocean.
The feeling of sand between her toes.
The cool breeze-
When she opened her eyes, though, she found herself somewhere else. In every other dream, she'd been in that house in Midvale on the beach. It certainly wasn't a beach. Instead it was green and lush. A house-no, a cottage in the middle of a forest somewhere. From what little Alex could see in that blink of a moment, it was very much like something ripped from the pages of a fairy tale or princess story...a cottage tucked away safely in the middle of the forest.
The sound of birds chirping suddenly filled her ears.
Movement in her peripheral pulled her attention next. The little girl giggling, her hair down and flying behind her as she ran. The happy bark of a dog as it chased her. They came to a stop in front of the cottage, this picture perfect scene as the little girl crouched in front of the dog and started to love on it. It wasn't much, a very small thing-
"Come in for lunch now."
Alex's heart stopped a beat. She knew that he'd be there. He was always there, but there was something about that moment as she stared at him in the doorway of that cottage that scared her. It wasn't his manifestation or his countenance, but that he had felt more real in that moment than he had when he was alive.
There Maxwell stood in casual clothes and facial hair that looked like it was doing what it wanted instead of the clean shaven look that normally took its place. He looked very much like he belonged in that place, but there was a hint of exhaustion to him. Alex tilted her head and really studied the scene for a breath.
"Daddy, what did you make for lunch?" the little girl asked as she tugged at the hem of his shirt.
Max's eyes didn't leave hers, though. He didn't glance down at the girl, but instead started to move towards her. Alex automatically started to close the distance between them as well. His hands immediately moved to hold her face as he kissed her. It was passionate and Alex found herself already longing for his lips before they left hers. It wasn't real, though, she reminded herself. When they pulled back, it was only an inch. "Alex…" he breathed.
Her eyes moved to take his in.
"I'm here…"
"Max-"
"Daddy! Mommy!" the little girl shouted from behind.
"You just have to look."
Her eyes squeezed shut and she could feel tears rolling down her cheeks as she shook her head. No, this wasn't real. She knew that it wasn't real. It was all a dream and this was all her head telling her that she really wasn't finished grieving-
"Alexandra!" he shouted now, his hands still holding her face between them. When her eyes snapped open, she saw his lips move and could hear the words whispered. "Wait for it." But it was all instantaneous as she felt like she was ripped from the dream.
"Alex!"
Fog filled her mind and all her mind was registering (besides her name) was hands on her upper arms, which she immediately dislodged and then she found herself tumbling. Her eyes snapped open, finding a familiar face, right when her back slammed against the floor. She was being held down and she realized that she must have fallen asleep in the DEO, what she didn't understand was why J'onn was holding her down.
Blinking for a moment, she opened her mouth and then sucked in a breath. Her emotions were brimming, but everyone was around her. J'onn seemed to sense this and just threw his head around to glare at the spectators. It seemed like enough because everyone seemed to slowly disappear. "Breathe," he prompted quietly and gently. His hands and weight pulling away from her as he recoiled into a crouched state. "You're safe. Just take a minute."
So, she closed her eyes again and tried.
She didn't know what had led her to this position, but Alex was glad that now she and J'onn were left alone to sort it all out. "What happened?" she asked. Her eyes opened and she did her best to sit up without feeling ill, it was slow but obviously not slow enough.
"I'm not entirely sure," J'onn admitted. "I was in the control room when I felt waves of upset from you." He paused for a moment. "I can't help eavesdropping in a way when it feels like you're practically broadcasting your emotions at that point."
"I was having a nightmare…"
"You had grabbed Mr. Ramon-"
Alex looked around. "I…" Had she? She didn't remember. All she could remember was Max and the little girl. The forest. The dream that had changed…but wouldn't stop.
"Alex?" came his voice softly. "What was happening in your nightmare?"
They were all alone, which she knew he'd done purposely, to give her space. It was odd. It was also nice because it wasn't like her to completely flip out at work or be overly emotional, so having the time to calm down without feeling like she needed to snap back to the calm, collected, normal exterior was quite welcome. "It's nothing," she tried to push away, her eyes squeezing shut, and her head shaking slightly.
"This isn't nothing."
When she opened her eyes, she found that he'd scooted closer to her. "It's a nightmare."
"There's something you aren't telling me."
"You're probing…"
"No, I just know how to read your face."
Alex scrunched up her face at that commented and turned away for a breath before looking back at him. "They're reoccurring dreams...but they're always different...sometimes not by a lot…"
"Alex-"
"It's not impairing me from doing my job," she insisted quickly. Alex sucked in a heavy breath before pushing it out. "I mean, I know it doesn't look that way right now, but-"
"You needed more sleep."
Alex nodded. "Normally they don't upset me so much...not like this…" Sure, she'd sat up in bed crying before...but this...this left her with a strange feeling in her chest. She wasn't exactly sure what it was. All she knew was that it made the situation all the more embarrassing. "I'm sorry… I just-"
"I don't want you working with The Pipeline project-"
"I can't just not go into The Pipeline or-"
"But right now, it's still so fresh in your mind, Alex," he told her gently. He wasn't upset. "I want you with Adler," J'onn said, his voice partially authoritative and yet still calm and gentle. "Benanti can take lead on overseeing The Pipeline's reconstruction."
She didn't argue that. Alex knew that Benanti would certainly be a better choice than Adler (that was clear since Adler had had it at one time and Alex was still surprised that she hadn't killed Cisco). "Okay," Alex finally said after a long pause.
He got to his feet first and then extended a hand to her, helping her up. "I'm going to have Harewood take you home," J'onn said. She knew better than to argue with him given the tone he'd delivered the order in. "We'll make arrangements so that you're able to get here tomorrow."
Alex just gave a nod and sucked in a breath. Better Harewood than Benanti, he'd allow her the silent lift home while Benanti would have brightly talked her ear off and tried to invite herself up to her apartment. She really wasn't up to entertaining. "J'onn-"
He must have sensed that she didn't like the fact that she was being sent home because he immediately added something before she could finish saying what she was going to. "You can work on the primary report update for the president for me," J'onn offered.
That was something that she'd pestered him about letting her help with in the past, but he'd always told her that he had it handled. She tilted her head slightly before giving a slight nod. He obviously was trying to give her something to do, but she wasn't going to argue it because she wanted something to do. So, this would work out perfectly. "Okay," she finally spoke.
"And you'll call Kara or me if you need someone?"
"Yes."
And she meant it.
"I'm okay, really…"
"We're just eating dinner with you," her mother said quietly as she pushed around some lettuce in her plate.
Alex eyed them both. Kara had been there at some point, but she'd been called away by the DEO. There was a fire somewhere in the city and her sister's superhero powers had been needed. She was fairly sure that they were there because J'onn had sent her home early and hadn't let her drive herself home. "I was just going to eat leftovers…"
"There wasn't anything in your fridge."
"There was beer," Alex and her father said together.
Her mother was clearly trying to surpress her smile as she shook her head at them. "It's never a bad thing for us to have family dinners...there were so many that we've missed…"
That was true.
"You do realize we're missing, Kara," Alex pointed out.
"She'll be back for dessert," her dad said with a smile.
That was also true.
Kara would likely come back, eat the rest of her dinner, eat a carton of ice cream, and the whole time she'd be talking a mile a minute.
As much as J'onn had sent her home to rest, she was also glad to have her family there. It was a nice change. Plus, it wasn't like they'd be staying. They'd go when she asked (if not on their own). Alex had a feeling that her mother wanted to push about what had happened, but she was keeping quiet. The only person she really wanted to even talk to about it was Kara...who wasn't currently there. Maybe it was all the years of distancing between herself and her mother, all of the lost years with her father and them not building up that bond during her later teenage years up until quite recently, but the only person she really felt like talking to about such close personal things within her family was her sister.
"We wanted to ask you something, Alex," her father spoke up after a silent moment.
"Not right now, Jeremiah," her mother started to argue.
That only made Alex want to hear what they had to say more (as long as it didn't have anything to do with Lord Technologies). "What is it?"
"When is there going to be a better time, Eliza?" Jeremiah countered.
Her mother immediately had an answer for him. "When there's...less...stress-"
"You know that there's always something for the DEO to contend with, right?" Alex brought up. "If it isn't Trigon, then it will be another threat…"
"Alexandra, it's just-"
"I know, you worry...and that's fine, but that doesn't mean that you have to hold off talking to me about things," Alex explained to her mother. "It actually might distract me, you never know…"
"Well, it is a distraction we were discussing," Jeremiah said. "We were saying that we should do a family vacation. We always said that we should do a family vacation back before Kara joined our family...and we never got to do that. I know that it might still be difficult for you two to get time away, but we think it would be good."
"We were back and forth between how exotic it should be."
"I almost think that we just need to go to a resort that has everything in it with guided hiking tours and things like that," Jeremiah said. "Maybe we've had enough self guided adventure."
"Have you talked to Kara about it?" Alex asked.
"No."
"Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea," Alex told them with a shrug. "Some beach somewhere…"
"Spa," her mother brought up.
Her mother had completely lit up and her father looked so pleased. It was sometimes so odd to have her father back and maybe this was what they all really needed. There was so much of the world ending or just...the impossible and extraordinary. That was the world that Alex had grown up in, but sometimes that was exhausting...and she knew that she wasn't alone in that feeling.
"Maybe we should brainstorm places before Kara gets back," Alex suggested. "And then we'll just tell her she has to go."
Her mother's disapproval immediately came out, "Alex…"
"Sometimes we need a push…"
"Normally, you're the one who needs the nudge."
"Well, this time it's going to be Kara's turn."
"Why do you think that?" Jeremiah questioned.
"Because she's my sister."
TBC…
