Emily couldn't believe where she found herself: Perched on a barstool, fidgeting with her drink, waiting for her blind date. Again. At least she was in a more upscale restaurant this time. If nothing else, she would get a good meal out of it.
She didn't know why she had let herself get talked into it again. Toby and Spencer had worn her down. She had obviously been miserable since that weekend fiasco with Paige. She hadn't been on a date in ages, and that included groupies and one-night-stands. She just hadn't been in the mood. Her whole life seemed void; empty. It was no wonder Spencer and Toby were so intent on setting her up.
Then again, in the state of mind that Emily was in, there was no way that she would be good company on a date.
Emily turned towards the bar when she heard it slam shut and her mood changed. Seeing Paige at the door, she immediately went from dour and depressed to enraged. What the fuck is she doing here? Emily thought. It was beyond belief.
She gave Paige a long scowl to head her off, just in case she had been foolish enough to consider coming over and trying to talk to her. Once she'd made her point, she swiveled her barstool back towards the bar. But, soon, reflected in the mirror behind the bar, she saw someone moving towards her. She bounced off of her stool and turned to confront Paige, her fists balled up in anger. "What are you doing here?" she spat, all of her anger from the past two weeks coming out at once.
Paige just stood there, staring at Emily like a zombie on Prozac.
Emily gave a grunt her frustration. "I don't have time for this! I'm meeting someone, and…"
Whatever else Emily had planned to say in protest died in her throat. Paige grabbed her firmly by the shoulders and kissed her, hard. It was so wrong; so obnoxious of Paige, after everything that had happened, to think that she could just walk up and kiss Emily like that. Emily could have backed her away with one simple push, but she didn't. She let it happen. And kissed her back.
Emily wasn't sure what she was feeling in that moment. There was still a lot of anger, for sure. But there was also relief. And the adrenaline level was definitely high – on both sides. Emily could feel the heat radiating from Paige's body as Paige held on and kept on kissing her.
When it was over, they stood staring at each other like two prizefighters before a bout. Emily turned and grabbed her purse, grabbing Paige with her other hand. "Let's get the hell out of here."
Paige knew right away that she was no longer in charge of the situation. This was Emily's show. They didn't exchange any more words until Emily was backing out of her parking space. Without turning to look at Paige, she asked, "Your car?"
Paige, lost in thought, still trying to figure out her next move, stuttered out, "I'll… uh… I'll get it in the morning."
Emily turned looked at her with an eyebrow raised.
"I mean…" Paige dropped her shoulders and exhaled helplessly. "You know what I mean."
"Yeah," Emily said with a smirk as she put her car into gear. "I know exactly what you mean."
Emily drove to the place where it had all started, back to the bar where they had first met. Back to the scene of the crime. She asked for a booth in the far corner. Paige understood why. "Okay," she conceded. "I guess we need to talk."
Emily nodded.
"Mind if I go first?"
Emily extended her hands, as if to say, "Go ahead."
"Okay, well. I guess you know that I… was… attracted to you from the start." Paige peeked up at Emily's eyes, to see how she was reacting. "From that first night. At the bar over there."
Emily's eyes were wide. She hadn't known that at all.
Paige continued. "But I kept… pushing it down. I kept telling myself that it wasn't real – or that it didn't matter. First, I was with Sean. And then, after he and I broke up, I told myself that it didn't matter, because you weren't interested in a relationship, and I could never compete with all of the other girls on your list." Paige shrugged her shoulders. She wasn't proud of what she was admitting, but she needed to let Emily know the truth. "And then, that night, when you sang that song at The Hungry Owl…" Paige sighed, looking away from Emily. "I was put in a corner. I couldn't deny it anymore, and I couldn't make any excuses. For the first time, I had to confront the fact that it was real; that I was actually attracted to a woman, and that we could actually end up…" Paige took a moment to choose her words. She didn't want to overstate things and seem presumptuous. "… going out." After another deep breath, she made her closing statement. "That's why I walked out, Em. I didn't know how to handle what I was feeling, and it wasn't right, and it was unfair to you, and I should've explained it to you. And I'm sorry." Paige ran a hand through her hair. "I know that I say that all the time, because I keep fucking things up, but..." With a sigh, she concluded, "I'm sorry." She looked into Emily's eyes and put her palms up on the table, to signify that she had finished, then quickly looked away and dipped her head.
Emily's face wasn't giving anything away. She wasn't angry anymore, but she was trying to process everything that she had just learned. "Wow," she said at last. "I… I had no idea."
"I'm sorry."
Emily could see the tears forming in Paige's eyes. She took Paige's hand, and Paige looked up at her. "It's okay," she assured her. Releasing Paige's hand, she sat back in her seat and said, "I guess I have some explaining to do, too." Paige nodded once. "Okay, well, that next morning, at The Brew?" Emily sighed. Paige turned her head aside, not really wanting to hear about that morning. "I was really angry and hurt, and that's why I…"
Paige stopped her. "You don't need to explain, Emily." Paige had already beaten herself up over the fact that her stupidity had driven Emily into bed with someone else. She didn't want details.
Emily remembered what Paige had seen, and why it made her so anxious. "Oh," she said softly. "Paige, the breakfast was for Hanna." Paige's jaw dropped in surprise and relief. "Toby told Hanna that I was upset, and Hanna drove all night to be there for me."
"I'm sorry," Paige repeated, and Emily repeated that it was okay.
"But I just left you sitting there because what you did really hurt me. And I guess I wanted you to be hurt, too."
Paige nodded. "I understand."
"But it was childish and stupid to retaliate like that, and I shouldn't have done it."
"It's okay," Paige said, echoing Emily's words. "After all, I deserved it."
"No," Emily said emphatically. "I didn't deserve it from you, and you didn't deserve it from me."
"You're right."
"Paige..." Emily took Paige's hands. "I'm truly sorry."
Paige nodded.
"And I didn't know about the flowers. If I'd known, I never would have…" Emily trailed off.
"The flowers?" Paige pretended not to know what Emily was talking about. She had been beating herself up about what a stupid idea it had been to buy them ever since that day. By the time Emily mentioned them, Paige was so embarrassed about them that her first instinct was to try to deny it, even though she knew that Emily wouldn't be fooled.
Emily looked straight into Paige's eyes, confronting Paige with an unrelenting stare for lying like that. Paige looked away. "Paige," Emily said with some urgency in her tone, "you have a real problem with the truth."
"I know, Em. Believe me, it's something I've thought a lot about lately " Paige paused, looking up at the ceiling. "I guess that, after living a lie for so long, it just kind of became second nature. Or a defense mechanism. I don't know "
Emily nodded in understanding. "Well, you can be honest with me," she said softly.
"Okay."
"So, the flowers?"
"I wanted you to know that I was sincere. And I knew they were your favorite, so..."
"Yeah. They are." Emily squeezed Paige's hand. "Thank you."
"But you didn't see them next to me?" Emily shook her head. "So, how did you know about them?"
"My parents went to The Brew later that morning, and they saw the flowers in the trash. My Mom assumed that I had forgotten them, and someone tried to track me down, and, when I drove off, just threw them in the trash." Paige, embarrassed at the fit of rage that made her through the flowers out, couldn't even look at Emily. Emily took her hand, stroking it with her thumb. "Paige, that was so incredibly sweet. How did you even find purple tulips that early in the morning? How did you know they were my favorite?"
Paige chuckled, embarrassed that she remembered, when Emily didn't. "Well, you know that word association game we used to play, to keep ourselves going when we were near the end of the run?" Emily nodded. "Well, this one time, I said, 'Purple,' and you said, 'Tulip,' and I said, 'Flower,' and you said, 'Favorite.'" Paige shrugged. I guess I assumed they were your favorite.
"You assumed right," Emily said softly.
Paige still felt embarrassed over the fact that she had been hanging on Emily's every word, when the exchange wasn't even significant enough for Emily to remember. She quickly switched gears. "What did you tell your mom when she asked about them?"
"Nothing, at first," Emily admitted. "I just made an excuse and got off of the phone. And Hanna and I had a no-stress, no-relationship day, where we just put love and romance totally out of our mind and had fun. Afterwards, I told my Mom the whole story about the weekend."
"Oh," Paige said softly. She shifted in her seat, uncrossing her legs and crossing them again. "And what did she say?"
"She told me that I needed to move on. She said if anything was supposed to come of you and me, it would happen, but, for now, I needed to focus on myself." Paige nodded. She knew that it was her fault. Everything, in her opinion, was her fault. "But it wasn't easy," Emily admitted. "I was miserable. And that's how I ended up at En Banc tonight, waiting for a blind date." Emily suddenly remembered that she had stranded Michelle at the bar. Overcome with guilt, she reached for her phone. "Shit – I should call Toby and make up some kind of excuse."
Paige took her hand. "It's fine, Em."
"But I can't just…"
"Em." Paige gave her hand a squeeze. "It's fine. That's what she gets for keeping a beautiful woman waiting."
Emily smiled and shook her head, but she put the phone away. "So what were you doing there tonight, anyway?"
"I… uh…" Paige frowned. "Well," she said slowly, "I could lie and tell you that I knew you'd be there, but the truth is, I was meeting a blind date."
"Oh, you were not!" Emily pushed Paige playfully.
Paige shrugged her shoulders. "I know, I mean... what are the chances?" Paige took Emily's hand. "You know, Em, one of the biggest regrets of my life these past two years was that I didn't let you think I was your date that first night in the bar. I knew from the moment I saw you that I wanted to be your date " Paige dipped her head. "I know it would've started us off with a lie, but..."
"We would've figured something out."
I kept wishing I had a do-over, but I never actually believed I would. I mean, how often does life give you a chance to rewrite your story?"
"Not often," Emily agreed with a smile.
"So, when I saw you there tonight, I knew I had to come over and talk to you."
"Only we didn't do any talking."
Paige shrugged her shoulders. "I couldn't come up with anything. I mean, what could you possibly say at a time like that?" She paused, as if waiting for Emily to come up with an answer to that question. "But, once you started yelling at me," Paige admitted guiltily, "I figured it might be my last chance to kiss you." Paige bit her lip apologetically. "So I kissed you."
Emily leaned across the table with a wry smile. "That was my best blind date ever!"
There was one more thing that Emily needed to get off of her chest, and it wasn't going to be easy. "Paige, you mentioned… the girls on my list." Paige nodded slowly. She could see that Emily was concerned about whatever point she was making. "Does it… does it bother you that I… kind of…"
"That you had a lot of girls on your list?"
"That I slept around, Paige," Emily blurted out. There was no need to sugar-coat it. "That I had a lot of girls, period."
"Oh."
Paige furrowed her brow and gave the question the attention that it deserved. Emily, concerned over Paige's silence, began filling in the blanks. "It was kind of like an addiction, you know? First it was kind of fun, to think that these women would be interested in you, then, you find excuses – you're lonely; you just need to feel something; you're horny; you're just having some fun. But it wasn't until I started to get to know you that I began asking myself what the hell I was doing, and how empty my life had to be for me to try to find fulfillment with all those hook-ups." Emily chewed on her lower lip. "Paige, if I had to do it over again…"
Paige took hold of Emily's hands. "We all have things that we would do over if we could, but we can't. The only thing we can do is learn from those things. And we can be happy that we are who we are today, because those are the experiences that have shaped us into what we are."
Emily reversed the position on their hands, so that she was clasping Paige's hands. "I get that," she said, softly. "But if it ends up costing me a chance at… us…"
Paige stroked Emily's cheek. "Em, I knew about all those girls. And I'm here, aren't I?"
Emily shifted her position her head so that she could kiss Paige's palm. "Thank you," she said, barely above a whisper.
"Listen. We've both got things in our past that we're not proud of. So, how about we just declare ourselves even, from this point forward? Whatever's in our past is in our past. Deal?"
Emily broke into a smile. "Okay." Emily started to relax a bit. "But you must have some pretty big skeletons in your closet if you're so eager to offer me that deal." Paige laughed at the comment. "So, what was it, Paige? Did you drown some baby kittens? Kill a man just to watch him die?"
Paige kept laughing, relieved that Emily was able to make a joke out of the situation that had been stressing her out moments before. "Well, it was much worse," she deadpanned. "You know those tags on pillows that say, "Do not remove under penalty of law?"
Emily leaned across the table, putting her face right in front of Paige. "Oh, just kiss me, you bad girl!"
A/N - Fun fact: After I decided to call this chapter "Deja Vu," I had two separate instances of deja vu - one while I wrote it and the other while I edited it... :)
Thanks for reading!
