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Worse Than Death
Chapter Nine
By Renegade Raine
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"C'mon dude, I packed the last of your luggage, so let's go already!" Stark shouted impatiently as he waited by the front door of the SHOGUNS house.
Szayel Aporro emerged from his room with a weird look on his face. There were several things weird about the situation before him. First of all, Stark was a lazy ass and had a tendency to sleep. A lot. However, Stark was strangely the liveliest out of every one in the house at that very moment. Secondly, why was he so eager to carry his luggage out for him? Finally, why did Szayel Aporro get the sinking feeling that Stark was implying that he was going too?
Before Szayel Aporro could ask a single question though, Halibel stepped out of her room with a strangely grouchy expression on her face. Folding her arms, she scowled at Stark from above the staircase in the house.
"You're sleeping all the time, so you get your ass up here and find a cure for my insomnia!" Halibel grumbled, startling Szayel Aporro, as he was not used to her slipping away from her usual calm demeanor. However, Stark suddenly looked VERY pissed off.
"Oh hell no, I've been waiting MONTHS for my chance to see someone I know get owned on the Maury Show, and I'll be damned if I'm going to lose that chance by finding a way for your bitch ass to fall asleep!" Stark yelled.
Despite being in a very grouchy mood, Halibel joined Szayel Aporro as he stared at the typically laid-back member of the Espada in disbelief.
"What in the hell?" Szayel Aporro muttered. "Is this bizarro day or what?"
"There is no way I am wearing this!" a voice shouted from behind Halibel's door, which Szayel Aporro figured was Noitora.
Turning around from the irate Stark, Halibel stomped toward her door, slammed it open and walked in. A moment later, Szayel Aporro heard a faint sound, which he figured was Halibel smacking the offender.
"Shut up, bitch, and put the damned costume on NOW or I'll make sure that the next time we screw will be extra painful for you!" Halibel screamed.
Not wanting to know what was going on in the room, Szayel Aporro sighed and gave a slight shrug.
"At least some things never change." Szayel Aporro mused.
"C'mon, we're gonna be late!" Stark hollered.
"Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to hate this day more than I usually hate every other day?" Szayel Aporro muttered as he followed Stark out of the door.
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"You're hungry for what?" Grimmjow asked with an incredulous tone.
"Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." Orihime repeated with a look of confusion.
"Just peanut butter and jelly?" Grimmjow asked.
"Yeah…what's so strange about that?" Orihime replied.
"That's exactly it. There's nothing strange about it." Grimmjow retorted. "Normally I would think it's a good sign, since I was getting tired of you making things like salmon covered with maple syrup, cheddar cheese, and cilantro for supper, but this is like a sign of the fucking apocalypse."
"Don't you think you're over reacting just a little bit?" Orihime asked as she nervously scratched behind her head.
"You've been cheating on me…haven't you?" Grimmjow muttered.
"HUH?!" Orihime exclaimed. "Now you're really over reacting!"
"I know you, and you wouldn't be craving normal food for any normal reason." Grimmjow explained.
"So because of that you think that I've been cheating on you?" Orihime said in an incredulous tone.
"So you have been sleeping with that god damned Shinigami, haven't you?" Grimmjow growled.
Orihime only looked at him in disbelief. She had practically been attached to him by the hip since Grimmjow had given up on his rock star dreams whenever she wasn't at school or hanging out with her friends.
When the doorbell rang a few moments later, Orihime sighed in relief, as Grimmjow shifted his accusatory glare toward the door. Since Grimmjow didn't make a move, Orihime went across the room and opened the door. What she saw caused her mouth to drop in further disbelief.
"Oh hey, Inoue-san." Ichigo greeted and handed over a jar of peanut butter. "I noticed I had an extra jar of peanut butter in the cupboard at home, and I thought I'd see if you wanted it."
"I fucking knew it!" Grimmjow shouted before Orihime had a chance to respond. Within a second, Grimmjow had Ichigo pressed against the wall with a hand around his neck.
"What the hell, you psycho?" Ichigo choked out. "Is giving somebody a container of peanut butter a sign of cheating now?"
"Apparently it is now." Orihime said with dismay. "Thank you for the peanut butter, Kurosaki-kun. I'm sorry that my husband is acting like a damned idiot."
Orihime glared at Grimmjow briefly before slamming the door and leaving the two men outside. Upon hearing Orihime swear, even if it was a rather mild cuss word, both Grimmjow and Ichigo looked at the door in disbelief.
"Oh hell no." Ichigo mumbled. "You've started to rub off on her."
"I guess I really pissed her off this time." Grimmjow mumbled in an equally disbelieving tone.
"But seriously, we're not doing anything." Ichigo said with a shrug of his shoulders. Grimmjow sighed and paced a little in front of the door.
"Yeah, I didn't think she would." Grimmjow admitted. "But still, there's something off about her."
"You DO know who you married, right?" Ichigo said with a raised eyebrow.
"That's the point. Today, she told me that she was craving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." Grimmjow said.
"Yeah? So? What did she want with it? Sardines?" Ichigo asked with a dubious look.
"No. That's all she wanted." Grimmjow replied. Ichigo stared at Grimmjow for a couple of seconds before the realization dawned on him.
"You better keep an eye on her." Ichigo said as his face took on a more serious tone. "Last time she craved for normal food…well…she got kidnapped by your gang."
"…I better get inside." Grimmjow said. Ichigo looked at his former rival warily before he turned to leave. Grimmjow watched the orange haired man leave, and realized it was the first time that he had talked to the Shinigami without even a punch thrown. Picking up the jar of peanut butter, he turned back toward Ichigo and gave the man a friendly wave before he chucked the jar of peanut butter at his head. Upon seeing Ichigo fall to the ground unconscious, Grimmjow was satisfied and went back inside.
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Elsewhere in the house, Halibel looked up from her bed expectantly as Noitora walked into the room from the bathroom with a mortified look upon his face.
"I knew you were kinky before, but I had no idea that you had a thing for men in sheep suits." Noitora said as he tried to keep his eyes off of Halibel.
"Can it and jump over the damned bed." Halibel commanded.
"I can't jump that far!" Noitora protested.
"Do it, dammit!" Halibel demanded as she hit Noitora with the whip that she kept by her bedside at all times. Noitora gave a yelp of pain before he finally jumped over the bed.
"Why the hell are you turned on by this?!" Noitora exclaimed. "Even by MY standards, this is some messed up shit."
"I need to get some sleep, so I'm counting the sheep." Halibel answered. Noitora stopped what he was doing and narrowed his eye in disbelief. However, he continued to jump over the bed after Halibel whipped him again.
"You know, this just isn't working." Halibel commented.
"Then can I stop?" Noitora asked.
"No."
Before Noitora could start jumping over the bed though, the door to the room was opened. Immediately, both Halibel and Noitora could feel the hatred emanating in the room, even if Ulquiorra's expression conveyed nothing at all. In his hands, he held the comforter to his bed, which had some suspicious looking stains on it. Before Ulquiorra could speak on the matter though, a feeling of dread passed through the pale-faced espada as he saw both Noitora and Halibel stare at him with a mischievous look in their eyes.
"You wouldn't happen to have another sheep suit, would ya?" Noitora asked.
"Of course I do." Halibel answered as she pulled out another sheep suit from beside the bed and threw it at Ulquiorra.
"No." Ulquiorra deadpanned.
"Do it or I'll give the doujinshi twins more pictures of you and Byakuya doing…very naughty things." Halibel threatened.
Ulquiorra sighed and promptly went into the bathroom with the sheep suit to change.
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"Welcome back to the Maury Show!" the host greeted as the show came back from a commercial break. "Today on this show, we've been performing paternity tests for women whose paternity of their child is being disputed with their partners! Next on the show, we have Cirucci who admits to cheating on her boyfriend of sorts, but still claims that he's the father of the child and only cheated on him because he was quote 'a sadistic bastard'. Please welcome, Cirucci!"
The studio audience politely applauded as Cirucci walked across the stage to sit on one of the chairs on the stage with a huffy look upon her face. Maury waited for the audience reaction to die down a little before he continued.
"Welcome to the show, Cirucci." Maury greeted. "Please tell us about your current situation.
"Sure. Well, first of all, I born as this thing called a Hollow. But I got sick of looking like a BLEEP skull bee, so I pulled off my mask to become one of the first Arrancar ever. Hell, I was even considered to be one of the best. But then my master Aizen had to be a BLEEP and make fake Arrancars and one in particular was ESPECIALLY frustrating so I-" Cirucci started, ignoring the weird glances that all but two people in the audience gave her.
"Uh…I was talking about the baby situation." Maury butted in.
"Oh fine. Szayel-Aporro and I…well…we started off on bad terms. In fact, you could probably call it borderline rape, but that's pretty much how all relationships start in Hueco Mundo, I guess. But anyways, we we're what you'd humans call BLEEP buddies. But honestly, even after all of his weird and kinky experiments, I got bored, so I…well…" Cirucci explained.
"You slept around." Maury finished.
"Yeah." Cirucci answered. "But anyways, I got kicked out of Hueco Mundo after a while, and had to work at the local strip joint to survive. Then, like a scene from the most nightmarish fairytale ever, I find Szayel Aporro in the audience." Cirucci continued, narrowing her eyes as she mentioned Szayel Aporro's name.
The screen then shot to backstage, where Szayel Aporro was waiting backstage. The audience booed, but the pink haired man only shrugged in response.
"Then one thing led to another…and well…let's just say that we gave the audience one hell of a show that night." Cirucci said.
With that information, the audience laughed and made rude catcalls until Maury made them shut up.
"Then the next thing I know, I'm puking my brains out the next week, and one of my co-workers told me to get a pregnancy test. And sure enough, it turns out that Cirucci, once the prided part of the Espada, was now pregnant." Cirucci said with malice. "So because of that, I had to quit my job, because I didn't have the money to afford an abortion, and now I live on the god damned streets."
"That's…quite the story." Maury finally commented. "But you mentioned that you slept with other men before. How are you sure that neither of them are your baby's father?"
"Maury, when you're an Arrancar, you can't get pregnant, because you are, y'know, dead. But it has been proven that a gigai is both capable of reproducing as well as giving birth. So there's no way that I could have gotten pregnant in Hueco Mundo. And even if I might be low in morals, there is no way that I would allow a filthy human to touch me!" Cirucci growled out, further confusing most of the audience.
"Well, I don't understand anything that you just said, but tell us if this Szayel Aporro has done anything for your child since she has been born." Maury said.
"Nope, not a thing. The damned psycho locked himself up in his house and then became Grimmjow's roadie, so that he wouldn't have to deal with me." Cirucci responded, to which the audience booed.
"I also understand that you have brought along a guest in the audience along with you today?" Maury asked.
"Yeah, right there in the audience…it's my father." Cirucci said with a slight smile as she pointed in the crowd. Stark, who was in the audience, followed the direction of her fingertip and squinted his eyes as he swore he saw an all too familiar face.
"Dude, you're still alive?" Stark said aloud. Promptly, the man turned around and pointed his finger at him.
Don't you interrupt my introduction, nino!" The Privaron yelled at the Espada. "As the lovely nina was saying, I, Dordonii Alessandro Del Socacchio, am indeed her father."
"How the hell is that even possible?!" Stark said with obvious confusion.
"I've gotta tell you nino, the sixties was a wild time for Dordonii." He started to explain. "I got really high one night at Los Noches, don't ask me how I managed to do that, but I did it. So then I made myself a gigai, and went to the Woodstock festival in sixty-nine, and met this beautiful nina named…well…Nina. Anyways, we hit it off and became lovers for about ten years until she gave birth to a child."
"So wait…Cirucci's mom was a hippie? That must be where she gets her whorish tendencies from." Stark commented.
"Don't you dare talk about Nina like that!" Dordonii yelled. "She died of fear when she gave birth to Cirucci, as I never told her about my Arrancar side, and when the child came out, she was in the form of a Hollow. I was very saddened by this, so I gave the child her mother's last name. And after that, I promised that I would not love another woman after that, but let's just say that I got carried away."
Dordonii got a little misty-eyed mentioning his departed lover, but Stark only continued to give Dordonii a weird look.
"So you're saying that your daughter gets her whorish qualities from you?" Stark asked.
"Well, I wouldn't call it whorish…but…yeah, pretty much." Dordonii replied.
"Well, I don't think I or any of the rest of the audience knows what any of you are talking about, but let's hear from the other side of the story!" Maury finally said.
The video on the screen flickered on as Szayel Aporro looked calmly at the screen.
"Greetings, my name is Szayel Aporro Grantz, the Octava Espada. It has been brought to my attention that the whore, Cirucci, has given birth to a child, and thus expects me to be the father. Now, I've done my research on the show, and Wikipedia tells me that the typical responses from the fathers are that they're anywhere from one hundred to five million percent sure that they are not the father. However, if they were to have sexual relations with the woman in question within the period that the woman conceived the child, the possibility of them not being the father would not be one hundred percent. I'm not ignorant trash like those said men, so I will admit that there is a chance that I am the father, as we put on one hell of a show about nine months ago. At the same time, however, there is a reason why Cirucci is known as a whore from where I come from. So if I take the possible father candidates that I know, which, including me, is one hundred and forty-seven. Thus the possibility of me being the father is roughly only 0.068 and the possibility of me not being the father is about 99.932." he started to explain, as the crowd already looked very bored. "But if you take into account the time period that the whore was kicked out of Hueco Mundo, we have no scientific data to make an accurate hypothesis on the correct percentage that I, Szayel Aporro, am or am not the father. I would assume that most sexual activity would cease with the Arrancars, as most Arrancars have a sense of pride that would make them be turned off by an exiled Arrancar, such as Cirucci, which would thus increase the likelihood of me being the whore's child immensely. On the other hand, however, the masses of people on the planet Earth is quite large, and knowing how sexually active the whore is, the chances are that the possibility of me being the father is actually probably even lower than 0.068. Furthermore, if you factor in-"
Finally, the video was cut off as the show went into a commercial break, as Szayel Aporro's video was taking a far longer time than most videos. However, the video still played for the studio audience, who was now audibly yawning, except for Dordonii, who was yelling at the video, and Stark, who was waiting so ever patiently for the drama to unfold before his eyes.
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Back in Karakura Town, Ulquiorra's permanent frown seemed to be slightly deeper than usual. He had jumped over the bed a couple of times with Noitora, but when Halibel still wasn't feeling tired at all, so she yelled for someone to go out and get her sleeping pills. Ulquiorra was about to turn around to tell Noitora, the lower ranked Espada, to go get them, but when he flashed a couple of pictures that he had saved from the photo session in the strip club, Ulquiorra immediately left the room, not bothering to go take off the sheep suit.
He ignored the strange glares of the people around him as he made his way to the nearest pharmacy. However, once he got nearer, Ulquiorra was a little confused to see a wolf standing in front of the store, holding a promotional sign. The writing on the sign was done in pencil, so Ulquiorra could not read it from his current position, and cautiously watched the wolf as he advanced closer.
Once he got in front of the store though, Ulquiorra was a little humiliated to find out that not only was the wolf actually someone in wolf's clothing, but it was also Byakuya in the said costume. If blackmailing wasn't a threat against Ulquiorra in that instance, he would have just walked away, however, he was determined to get those sleeping pills.
"Well, it seems that you have finally surrendered in trying to admit that you are sophisticated." Byakuya commented.
"Well, at least I am not a lamb in wolf's clothing." Ulquiorra droned.
"The only sheep that I see here is you." Byakuya countered. Before the argument between the two could reach the boring climax that the two managed to always achieve though, the pharmacy's owner came out looking a little peeved.
"I'm payin' ya to advertise our new promotion, and you sit out here with a shoddy looking sign? I tell ya what, kid, yer fired!" the man yelled at Byakuya and then turned toward the street to yell at the passer-bys. "Attention, Wolfe Pharmacy is now holding a deal on medical marijuana, come get your free sample now!"
Within seconds, a whole mob of people started to rush toward the pharmacy, completely disregarding the two costumed figures in front of the store. Since the two didn't have the time or the room to get away, Ulquiorra was shoved against the wall, with Byakuya in between him and the wall.
Immediately, Ulquiorra attempted to push back to get away, but could not, as there was no room to get away. Instead, the two trapped men only stared at each other impassively. A particularly aggressive gentleman then pushed his way through, which caused Ulquiorra's body to be pushed even closer to Byakuya's. Knowing that there was nothing he could do about it, Ulquiorra just stayed in the position, hoping that the whole ordeal would be over soon. A couple of minutes later, a couple of snapping noises could be heard, and Ulquiorra was immediately pushed away by Byakuya.
"If you would have paid attention, you would have noticed that the crowd has died down for a couple of minutes now." Byakuya deadpanned. "And now it seems as though as a couple spectators have taken it upon themselves to take some pictures."
"Haha, you moronic jackass!" Noitora taunted as he stuck his grinning head out of a car window, followed by Halibel sticking her own head out with a quiet sense of amusement.
"What is going on here?" Ulquiorra asked.
"Well, you see, I was actually tired." Halibel explained. "But once Noitora and I found out exactly who would be in front of the pharmacy today, we changed our plans so that we could get even more blackmail on you. So I called up on an old friend of mine, and had several pounds of medical marijuana shipped to the pharmacy to ensure that you would run into the way, sandwiching Byakuya in the process. Who cares if I get any sleep when I can get loads of money from Loli and Menoli for these pictures?" Halibel explained.
"I hate you two." Ulquiorra commented.
"It's okay, we don't like you either. But yer too damned fun to blackmail." Noitora countered as he stuck out his tongue.
"But if it makes you feel any better, we're having a celebration party at the nightclub tonight. Since you were generous enough to provide us with these photos, I'll make sure that your drinks are free." Halibel suggested. "But until then, I have to get these pictures back to the doujinshi twins. Farewell for now."
With that, Halibel rolled the window up to the limousine that she and Noitora rode in as the vehicle sped off. Looking to the side, Ulquiorra noticed that Byakuya had left quite some time ago. Naturally, Ulquiorra was confused, but the thing that had him the most puzzled was that if Byakuya had known that the crowd had been gone for a couple of minutes at least, why hadn't he tried to push him away sooner?
Ulquiorra gave a slight sigh as he finally decided that Byakuya was only trying to humiliate him further by bluffing, when clearly the crowd had just dispersed at that very moment of time. Satisfied with his conclusion, Ulquiorra began to walk toward the nightclub. Obviously, he was going to need a drink or two to forget about this day.
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On the set of the Maury Show, the video of Szayel Aporro's testimony continued as the show came back from the commercial break.
"And THAT explains why I don't think that I am the father of the girl. If I am the father, my reaction will be various, depending on the state of the child. If the child turns out to be intelligent and competent, then naturally I would hope the child could aid in my future studies. However, if the child were plump and delicious, I would obviously want to consume the child. If I am not the father though, I'm telling that whore once and for all to leave me the hell alone, unless of course she wants to have kinky, experimental sex with no attachments afterwards." Szayel Aporro spoke, as the video finally ended.
"Well…that…was interesting." Maury said, as he stifled a yawn. "Without further ado, let's welcome him to the stage."
Szayel Aporro finally made his way from backstage to the set as the audience booed him very loudly. At first, he only gave the audience an unsatisfied look, but then grinned madly as he pulled a vial out of one of his pockets and threw the acid content into a section of the audience. There was some screaming, before the rest of the audience smartened up and kept quiet. Normally, Maury would complain about abusing the audience, but he already knew that this show would be one of the most watched ever, so he kept his mouth shut as well.
"Hello Szayel." Maury greeted.
"Hello to you as well." Szayel Aporro replied. "But the name is Szayel Aporro, not just Szayel."
"Oh…right. Anyways, it seems to me, from what Cirucci said, that you have a high possibility of being the father. However, why is it that you're so apprehensive about becoming this baby's father?"
"Well, Maury, if you would have paid attention to the video, you would have seen my complete analysis on why I believe I am not the father. As for your second question, the woman is a whore and the child was indeed my own, she would become an embarrassment to myself from her likely promiscuous traits that she would inherit from her mother."
"Excuse me, but who was the one known as the playboy of Hueco Mundo?" Cirucci fired back. "You've never rejected me once! In fact, you were the one to initiate the sexual contact in the first place!"
"I'm only known as the playboy of Hueco Mundo because apparently the women around there are attracted to the intellectual types, such as myself. I don't see how that's my problem. And I only initiated your so-called sexual contact because you thought that you were more powerful than I was, and I proved you wrong as I had you underneath me on the floor, moaning my name." Szayel Aporro countered.
"It seems to me as though you could both use counseling. Or jail. I'm not sure which one." Maury commented.
"Can it, old man." Cirucci yelled. "Anyways, the child is obviously yours, so admit to it. As the typical guest on this show would say, you are my baby daddy!"
"The typical guest on this show apparently has no concept of grammar usage." Szayel Aporro noted. "If you are so sure that I am this baby's father, please enlighten me as to why you think so."
"Maury, could you please do that thing where you have the split screen with the baby and the father please?" Cirucci requested.
"Oh…sure." Maury responded as the video changed to show Nikita on one side and Szayel Aporro on the other side. With a satisfied look upon her face, Cirucci walked over to the video screen.
"Look at the damned screen!" Cirucci exclaimed. "They look exactly alike!"
The audience cheered as they agreed with her. Szayel Aporro though looked unsatisfied as he walked over to the screen as well.
"That child has purple eyes. I have orange colored eyes." Szayel Aporro said.
"I have purple eyes, you moron!" Cirucci yelled.
"I guess I never bothered to notice." Szayel Aporro said with an amused smirk, which caused Cirucci to grit her teeth. "Anyways, what do you see in this child that supposedly makes it look just like me?"
"Oh, I don't know." Cirucci said sarcastically. "Maybe it's because she has the same shape of eyes as you. Or maybe it's because she has the same shape of nose as you. Or maybe I'm a little crazy for thinking this, but she has pink hair when I know that every other self respecting guy anywhere does not have natural pink hair!"
"Still, it doesn't prove that the child is mine." Szayel Aporro commented, which caused everyone in the studio to give him a wary glare, including Stark.
"That child is yours, nino!" Dordonii yelled as he walked upon the stage. "Quit being a wimp and be a man!"
"Oh, I think your daughter would say that I was a man plenty of times when she called out my name." Szayel Aporro answered smugly.
"Don't you talk about my daughter that way!" Dordonii said in rage as he threw a chair at the Espada.
"Oh snap!" Stark laughed as he applauded with the rest of the crowd.
Szayel Aporro managed to dodge the chair, but was a little confused when another woman came onto the stage. Szayel Aporro immediately noted how unattractive the woman was as she came over to him and slapped him.
"What the hell, woman?" Szayel Aporro yelled at her. "Who are you anyways?"
"I'm Courtney Love, you asshole!" she slurred. "You pissed off my boyfriend, now I'm going to BLEEP you up!"
"Go back to your seat, Courtney!" Dordonii yelled.
"No, you promised me that you'd get me those drugs, and I'm BLEEP on edge!" Courtney continued to slur.
"You're dating Courtney Love?" Szayel Aporro said in an unimpressed tone. "From what I've read about her, she's like the most drugged up woman on the planet."
"That's precisely why I thought she'd make an excellent girlfriend. But she's proven to be more trouble than I hoped for." Dordonii said with a sigh.
"BLEEP you man, I'm gonna go make some more terrible noise, call it music, and sell it on the market to pay for my drugs!" Courtney Love yelled out as she stormed out of the audience.
"Well…that was completely random." Stark said aloud.
"Oh well, I guess I can get another girlfriend." Dordonii commented. "So Maury, what's Connie Chung up to today?"
"Well, I think she's broadcasting somewhere, why?" Maury replied, but noticed that Dordonii was already gone. "Oh well, let's get to the paternity results."
"Finally." Cirucci groaned.
"But before we get to Szayel's result…" Maury said.
"Szayel Aporro." He corrected.
"Whatever. He requested that we test the other one hundred and forty-six possible father candidates." Maury continued.
"What? I didn't even sleep with that many guys when I was in Hueco Mundo!" Cirucci exclaimed.
"We'll find out, won't we?" Szayel Aporro mused as the show went into another commercial break.
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Back at Karakura Town, it was nighttime, and the nightclub was absolutely packed for the celebration of Loli and Menoli's new doujinshi simply called "Wolf & Lamb". Most of the people inside the building were either dancing or conversing with each other. However, Ulquiorra simply sat at the bar and ordered drink after drink in an attempt to forget about the day.
Outside of the club, Halibel and Noitora finally arrived as they made their way to the front door. Halibel didn't need to flash her ID, as the doorman instantly recognized her and let her in immediately. However, the doorman grunted at Noitora until he took out his own identification. The doorman took it and rose an eyebrow.
"Your name is Nnoitra…with two ns?" the doorman asked.
"Yeah, but don't tell anyone. The name is seriously not cool, and my parents obviously hated me when they picked out my name." Noitora commented.
"Alright, you can go through." The doorman said as Noitora hurriedly put his ID back in his pocket and went inside. He saw Halibel at the bar, sitting beside Ulquiorra. Grinning, Noitora walked over to sit on the other side of him.
"What's the matter? Aren't you happy with your publicity?" Noitora said with a laugh.
"Just so you know, I still hate both of you." Ulquiorra said with a slight slur in his speech, causing Noitora to laugh even harder.
"That's alright. Just keep drinking your strawberry daiquiris, you little pansy!" Noitora countered, to which even Halibel smirked at. However, when Halibel saw someone else enter the nightclub, her smirk immediately turned into a grin.
"Well, well. Look who else has shown up." Halibel commented as she put a hand on Ulquiorra's shoulder.
"I do not want to know." Ulquiorra replied.
"Oh, c'mon, go dance with him or something." Noitora teased.
"I will not." Ulquiorra replied.
Before Halibel could blackmail him to go do it, Byakuya noticed the three at the bar and immediately vacated the premises. Noticing the man flee, Halibel turned to her subordinates, Appache, Mira Rose, and Sun-Sun.
"Go get him." Halibel ordered.
"Yes, ma'am." The three responded as they chased after him.
"Why do you get to have your subordinates here, but I don't get to have mine?" Noitora whined.
"Because my bitches are loyal." Halibel replied.
Shortly afterwards, the three women returned with fearful looks upon their faces, as they were not fast enough to catch Byakuya. Looking very displeased, Halibel pulled out three cell phones from her pocket and threw one at each woman. The subordinates yelped and ran off. Not long after that, the fatigue finally hit Halibel as she passed out on the ground. Noitora raised an eyebrow before picking the woman up.
"I do not even want to know what you're going to do to her incapacitated body." Ulquiorra said.
"What the hell, man? You think I would stoop that low?" Noitora said as he narrowed his eye.
"Yes." Ulquiorra immediately responded.
"Che, it's not any fun that way." Noitora commented. "I better get her to her own bed before someone else tries to claim her."
"She really does have you wrapped around her finger, doesn't she?" Ulquiorra mused, slightly influenced by his consumption of alcohol.
"Shut up!" Noitora sputtered as he dragged her out of the nightclub. "At least I'm not the one drinking stuff with fuckin' umbrellas in it!"
Ulquiorra blinked a couple of times before he finally told the bartender to give him a wine cooler instead.
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"In the case of Yammy being the father…" Maury said with some exhaustion, as he already read off one hundred and forty-five results, all of which tested negative. "…he is NOT the father."
"I could have told you that." Cirucci commented.
"Now finally, when it comes to the case of Szayel…" Maury started.
"Szayel Aporro." He corrected once again.
"I don't give a BLEEP. Anyways, you are…NOT the father." Maury said.
"HA! I KNEW IT, BITCH!" Szayel Aporro exclaimed as he tipped his head back and laughed with maniacal glee.
"The hell? Did some pink-haired faggot rape me at night then?" Cirucci wondered as she gritted her teeth.
"Just kidding. I felt like being a bastard today." Maury said with a slight grin. "You're actually the father. I just wanted to see your disappointed face after I revealed the truth."
"HA! I KNEW IT!" Cirucci screamed as she jumped out of her chair. "SHOW ME THE MONEY!"
"God, I hate my life." Szayel Aporro muttered.
"Man, this was totally worth it!" Stark exclaimed as he laughed along with the rest of the audience.
"What will you do now that you're the father, Szayel?" Maury said with a condescending tone.
Szayel Aporro finally snapped as the corners of his lips turned up in an angle that most thought was impossible for mankind to achieve. He slowly reached inside of his pocket and pulled out a gun of sorts. When Maury shifted his expression to one of fear, Szayel Aporro looked even more amused.
"I told you that the name was Szayel Aporro, god dammit." He said as he pointed the gun to Maury's more intimate area and fired a single shot. "And just so you know, when I fire this, it will only affect the area that it entered from. Since I shot at your dick, the toxins from the dart that I fired will slowly make their way through your member, and very slowly disintegrating it at a very sluggish pace. Oh, and it will hurt like hell too."
With that, Szayel Aporro left the stage to go backstage to look at his child. He heard footsteps behind him, but didn't bother to turn around.
"Don't you dare do anything to my baby!" Cirucci growled. Szayel Aporro only shrugged.
"She doesn't look big enough to make a decent meal anyways." Szayel Aporro commented.
"And just so you know, I already filed the papers so that we have joint custody over the child, since I moved in next door anyways." Cirucci informed.
"…what?" Szayel Aporro muttered.
"What? You think I'm going to take care of the kid all the time? Dream on, pinky." Cirucci said. "You're going to play a role in Nikita's life whether you like it or not, asshole."
Satisfied, Cirucci picked up Nikita, placed her in a stroller, and walked off with a little jive in her step. Szayel Aporro's gaze was momentarily directed toward Cirucci's rear, but then snapped out of it and started to curse under his breath. After a while, Stark joined him backstage.
"So, since you're her baby daddy and all, do you think that I could be the godfather?" Stark asked.
"Yeah, sure. Whatever." Szayel Aporro responded.
"Sweet. So now I can put dead horses heads in other people's beds and stuff." Stark commented happily.
"I don't understand anything that you said, but I don't care. Let's go home and see if everyone has had an exciting day as we have." Szayel Aporro muttered.
"Dude, today totally rocked." Stark commented. "But yeah, I guess it's time to go home."
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Back at the SHOGUNS house, Grimmjow had an apathetic look on his face, as both he and Orihime got ready for bed.
"Why does it feel like that all I did today was watch you eat?" Grimmjow commented.
"Because that is all that you did today." Orihime replied. "Because you got all paranoid over nothing."
"It's not normal, dammit!" Grimmjow exclaimed.
"You didn't seem to mind it when I was eating the banana." Orihime said.
"Well, that was pretty fuckin' hot, but my day was still wasted!" Grimmjow grumbled.
"I kept telling you that I was just in the mood for normal food, so it's not my fault that you didn't believe me." Orihime said with a slightly annoyed tone. "And besides, now I'm kind of hungry for my pickle flavored ice cream."
"…Pickle flavored ice cream?" Grimmjow asked.
"Yeah. Do you have a problem with that too?" Orihime said with a huffy tone.
"No…not at all." Grimmjow said. "I'm just relieved."
"Ah, that's good then!" Orihime said in a more cheery tone. "Did you want some too?"
"Hell no, I don't have the same fucked up taste in food that you do." Grimmjow replied.
"Alright, but you're missing out." Orihime said with a shrug and left the room. Sighing once in relief, Grimmjow laid back on his bed. However, there was still something that seemed off about Orihime today, but Grimmjow decided to forget about it. She was just having a weird day today. Or at least he hoped so.
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Meanwhile, back at Hueco Mundo, Aizen looked even more distressed than usual as he rested his head on a hand. Shutting the TV off in front of him, Gin only laughed a little.
"Hey Aizen, now yer a grandpa!" Gin teased.
"Please be quiet." Aizen muttered. "Besides, I'm still waiting on your explanation as to why you were one of the people tested on the show."
"I like to have some fun. You should too sometimes." Gin said with a grin.
"Go away." Aizen said.
"Oh fine. Yer such a spoil sport, y'know?" Gin muttered as he left to go outside of the room, running into Tousen. "Oh hey, since Aizen said that yer like the mother of this place, I guess that makes ya a grandma."
Gin chuckled a little more before he finally left the room. Looking slightly displeased, Tousen turned to Aizen.
"Why isn't it that we haven't had that guy killed yet?" Tousen asked.
"I don't know." Aizen said as he gritted his teeth, trying to ignore the fact that he could hear Gin yell out through the halls that he was a grandpa.
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Author's Notes
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Sorry this took so long to get out. I was dealing with a serious case of the writer's block and then I got addicted to Eyeshield 21 and was obsessed with reading the series. But hey, I read the entire manga within five days. And yeah, you can probably expect some kind of cameo in the future.
Anyways, if you hadn't guessed, I REALLY dislike Courtney Love. And my sister suggested that she be Dordonii's random girlfriend, so I wrote her in. And despite what I did to Maury in this chapter, I don't hate him, but hey, he definitely had it coming in the chapter.
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Question/Answer Time!
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TheShamanMaster writes:
"Hey, what about Stark's prediction? He said '' go back to the way things were'' does that mean they're going back to Hueco Mundo soon?"
My reply:
Err…sorry. I guess I should have made it a little clearer. I just simply meant that things were going to go back to normal as far as the human world goes. Aizen would probably rather cut off his own limbs at this point before he would allow the exiled Espada to come back.
Penguin Knight writes:
"This is doubtlessly the funniest bleach fic I have ever read. My only question is as such: how much will we be seeing of the soul society? We've only seen Byakuya and Yumichika.
Please update soon!"
My reply:
Why thank you! As for your question, you will definitely be seeing more people from Soul Society eventually. Hell, I'll probably even try to add all the important people in some way, shape, or form at some point. In fact, there will be a couple of Soul Society citizens in the very next chapter!
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In the next chapter of Worse Than Death, everyone knows that Ulquiorra is quite gay. However, Ulquiorra refuses to admit to this fact. Since everyone is tired of the Cuatro Espada living in the closet, everyone teams up to force him out! How will everyone work together? Will Ulquiorra admit to his true sexuality, or will he forever be a citizen of the closet? And why the hell did Renji and Rukia feel the need to make an impromptu trip to Karakura Town? Find out in the next cracktastic chapter of Worse Than Death!
