Here it is. The moment you've all been waiting for. Malon vs. Assassin. Who will win? Who will lose? And who will get me a cake? All your questions will soon be answered! Except for the cake part. GLaDOS already stole all of that.
In other news, sorry about the cheesy chapter title. I was eating cheese puffs while writing this. *cue rimshot
Anyways, enjoy the story!
Malon's Epic Cow Delivery
Ch 9: Immortal Kombat
"Give it up. There's absolutely no way that you can defeat me."
Malon was swaying dangerously. It was obvious that she was barely keeping herself conscious. With great effort, Malon took a deep breath and brought herself to face her opponent.
"No. I refuse to back down. I won't lose to the likes of you!"
"If you continue your futile resistance, I'll have no choice but to finish you off for good!"
"Then so be it!"
With the last of her energy, Malon moved forward...
and quickly downed the glass of beer in front of her.
All of the Gerudos in the room burst into cheers as Malon raised the empty glass in victory. Yuna was dumbfounded at having been beaten by Malon at a drinking contest.
"What? How were you be able to tolerate that much alcohol at your age?"
Malon turned away from her Gerudo fans and faced Yuna with a drunken smile.
"Easy. I've been drinking milk my entire life. It'd take a lot more than a few gallons of regular old beer to knock me down!"
"Milk? How does that make any sense?"
"Hyrule's milk is pretty strong stuff. By the way, shouldn't you know all of this already? After all, you are a cow."
"Why in Pikachu's name would I drink my own species' milk? That's disgusting!"
"Heh heh. I don't know. I'm just really drunk right now."
With that, Malon collapsed onto the floor and fell asleep. Yuna gave a sigh as she watched the Gerudos carry Malon to her room.
"There's just no figuring out this girl."
xxx
Water Temple...
"Umm, Navi? I think we're lost."
Link and Navi were currently in the main chamber of the Water Temple. Link was scratching his head as he tried to figure out which way to go while Navi was trying her hardest not to go ballistic at Link's incompetence.
"Just use the dungeon map we found! They put those in here for a reason you know!"
"Nag nag nag. I think I'm just going to ask someone else."
"Who the hell are you going to ask besides me?"
"Why not him? He seems like a nice fellow."
"That's a Tektite..."
"So? Hey, Mr. Tektite! Would you happen to know the way around here?"
The Blue Tektite merely jumped towards Link and knocked him flat on his back.
"You know what? You were actually right for once. These Tektites really are quite nice. They're doing the job of pummeling you for me," Navi said as the Tektite began to use Link as a trampoline.
"Ack! Don't just stand there! Help me get this thing off of me!"
"No. I think I'll enjoy this show for a little while longer."
Navi continued to watch while the Tektite proceeded to do the Cancan on top of Link.
xxx
Gerudo Fortress...
"Are you sure you're well enough to head off this soon?" one of the Gerudos asked Malon.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Hangovers don't last long for me. My minds perfectly clear right now."
"If that's the case, maybe you should remember to take your cow with you..."
"Crap!"
After spending an hour finding and waking up a disgruntled Yuna, the two were finally prepared to head off to meet the Great Fairy. One of the Gerudo reminded Malon once more on how to navigate through the desert.
"Remember to follow the flags we put up until you reach the half-way point. After that, you'll be able to see the Desert Colossus in the distance. Just head straight for it and you'll be fine."
"Really? It's that simple? I remember the journey being much more difficult when I crossed as a child."
"That's because there was a sandstorm brewing. Luckily for you, sandstorm season just ended last week. Still, if you run into one during your journey across, stay put at the half-way point. If you try to navigate your way through a full storm, you might end up losing your way forever."
"I'll keep that in mind. Anyways, thanks for everything!"
With the sound of numerous farewells echoing behind them, Malon and Yuna headed off into the vast desert that lay beyond.
xxx
Some time later...
"I... don't... think... I... can... go... any... further..."
"Yuna, its been only been five mi..."
"No it hasn't! I know for a fact that we've been walking for over an hour!"
"Sheesh. Way to kill a classic walking joke ."
"Yeah, whatever. How much farther do we have to go?"
"We just passed the half-way point about fifteen minutes ago. I'd say we're a good hour's walk away from our destination."
"Why did I ever leave that ranch?"
The two continued on in relative silence for the rest of the journey. Once the Desert Colossus was only a mile or so away, Malon turned to ask Yuna a question.
"Hey, Yuna. Just what do you think of me as?"
"Huh? What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean, do you think of me as your friend?"
Yuna burst into hysterical laughter at this. Malon waited for Yuna's outburst to end with a very neutral expression on her face. After about five minutes, Yuna stopped to catch her breath.
"Oh, that was a good one! I don't think I've ever heard anything so funny in my entire life!"
"Enough sarcasm. Just honestly tell me what you think."
Trying very hard to suppress her laughter, Yuna turned to answer Malon's question.
"Well, I'd have to say that you're an acquaintance who amuses me sometimes. That's all."
"So, you wouldn't mind if I wasn't entirely... normal, right?"
Malon had to endure another five minutes of hysterical laughter before getting a response.
"You? Normal? Why are you even bothering to ask? Wait, wait, wait. Let me guess. You're the reincarnation of an ancient hero, right? Or maybe your actually the lost princess of a hidden kingdom!"
"Uh, no. Well, no matter what you think of me as, I consider you a friend. And I think that you at least deserve to know the full truth about me."
"Anymore of this friendship stuff and I'll barf again. Well, spill it. What's your big secret?"
"Alright. The truth is that I'm actually a..."
Suddenly a blast of energy shot towards the two. Malon quickly grabbed Yuna and jumped out of the way just in time. The place that they had been standing a few seconds before was now an enormous smoking crater.
"Moo! What the fuck was that?"
Malon put Yuna down and walked forward to directly confront her foe.
"Show yourself! You're not going to defeat me by just camping!"
In response, another blast of energy shot straight towards Malon. This time, however, she was prepared. With a single swipe from her hand, Malon deflected the attack away from her.
"Impressive. I didn't think that there would be anyone strong enough in this world to actually block my attack."
As Malon raised her fists, a hooded figure dropped down from the sky and landed a few feet in front of her. Upon closer inspection, Malon noticed that the figure looked very similar to Altair, except for the red cloak he was wearing. She immediately knew that she was dealing with a dangerous opponent. The mysterious figure exuded a sinister aura that could be felt by our hero even from the distance separating them. Malon could just make out an amused smile from underneath the hood before the person spoke again.
"You can put your fists down, little girl. My job is to merely turn you over to my employer, preferably alive. As such, I would gladly appreciate it if you would surrender willingly."
Indeed, this was the assassin that had been foreshadowed in all of the previous chapters. And he had finally caught up with his target.
"Moo! Way to state the obvious, bright one!"
Shut up, Yuna!
Malon ignored the interruption and answered the assassin.
"I don't know who your employer is, but I'm not going to just hand myself over to be used as a bargaining chip. If you want to take me prisoner, you'll have to do it the hard way."
"Very well. I was kinda hoping for a little fun."
The two took on their battle positions and stared each other down, both of them silently daring the other to make the first move. To match the tense atmosphere, Yuna began to whistle the theme from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
"Yuna, stop with the whistling. It's definitely not helping me focus."
"Sorry."
The standoff continued for at least another ten minutes with neither person moving an inch. Finally, Yuna couldn't take the suspense anymore and freaked out.
"Just start the fight already!"
At this, the two fighters rushed in at each other at incredible speeds. The assassin threw a punch at Malon's face but missed as she deftly swerved out of the way. Before the assassin could react, Malon launched her own punch straight at his gut.
"Malon Punch!"
The assassin was blown hundreds of feet away before crashing into the sand. All that was visible was his legs sticking out like a pair of antennas.
"Moo! That's it? All that set up just for the battle to end with a single Malon Punch? This is about as anticlimactic as the ending for Harry Potter!"
"No. The battle's just getting started."
As if hearing Malon's words, the assassin pulled himself out of the sand and began to dust off his clothes. Surprisingly, Malon's attack didn't even seem to have fazed him.
"So, that's the extent of your power. I was hoping for more of a challenge."
In response, Malon brought up her right hand to face level. In an instant, a surge of blue electricity blazed around her upraised hand.
"You want a challenge? Then here's a tough one for you. Try to figure out how to dodge this in the next half second or so."
At speeds exceeding Sonic the Hedgehog on a sugar rush, Malon rushed forward to drive her Chidori into the assassin. However, as soon as she was within a few feet of him, the electricity surrounding her hand dissipated. Malon had just enough time to register this fact before the assassin stepped out of the way of her lunge and knee-kicked her directly in the face. Poor Malon was sent spiraling several yards away before managing to land safely on her feet.
"What the hell? How did you cancel my Chidori attack?"
"Why should I tell you?"
"Because that's what evil villains are supposed to do! When asked about their special powers, the villains are supposed to state a detailed analysis on each and every one of their abilities, thereby allowing the hero to devise a strategy to overcome them!"
"Okay... You've been watching reruns of Bleach, haven't you?"
"Maybe. Well, no matter. This should be enough to finish you off. Fire Style: Fireball Jutsu!"
The assassin was instantly engulfed in am enormous fireball the size of Texas. Okay, I exaggerated. It was actually as big as your average Transformers robot. There, happy?
"Moo! Stop with the stupid analogies and get to the action!"
Fine.
The assassin let out a scream as the flames continued to roast him alive.
"Argh! How did you know that fire was my one true weakness? I'm melting! I'm melting! I'm... Okay, enough of that."
With one simple wave of his hand, the flames were immediately extinguished. However, Malon was nowhere to be seen. Before the assassin could locate her, he was punched headfirst into the ground with the force of a lunar shuttle takeoff. Malon cracked her knuckles as she stared down the assassin-shaped hole in the ground.
"I knew you'd waste your time mocking my attack. That's why I used the Fireball Jutsu as a distraction so that I could get a clear shot at you."
Unfortunately, the battle soon proved to be far from over. The assassin blasted out of the ground and immediately launched a barrage of punches and kicks at Malon. Having no time to dodge, she decided to match him blow for blow. After exchanging numerous earth-shattering hits, the two jumped away from each other to catch their breath.
"Maybe I misjudged you. You seem to have some talent after all."
"Stop acting all high and mighty. I'm not even using twenty percent of my true power right now."
"Is that so? Then why don't you come at me with everything you've got?"
"Fine. You asked for it!"
Malon ran forward with blinding speed and kicked the assassin straight up the jaw. As he sailed into the air, Malon jumped after him to continue her onslaught.
"Malon Rampage!"
With deadly force and accuracy, she began to pummel the assassin into the air, each blow sending the enemy higher and higher up. Once they reached optimum flying altitude, Malon clasped her hands together and brought them down onto her opponent's stomach. The assassin was sent hurtling back down to earth like a large meteorite. The impact was so immense that the shockwave was felt from even as far away as Timbuktu. Or the Mushroom Kingdom. You decide.
Anyways, even after descending down from thousands of feet, Malon was still able to land gracefully onto the desert floor.
"Game, set, and match. Alright, I'm done here. Now let's hurry up and look for the... He's still alive isn't he?"
Just at that moment, the assassin jumped out of the crater and let out a yawn.
"That's your full power, huh? Then I guess it's only fair to show you my full power!"
xxx
Somewhere in the Spirit Temple...
"Koume! Are you watching DragonBall Z without me again?"
"No, Kotake! I'm busy giving the Wallmasters a bath! Why are you asking?"
"Because I just heard some loud fighting noises!"
"You're hearing things again! I told you we should've bought that hearing aid for you!"
"Oh, shut up! You have worse hearing than me anyways!"
"As if! I'm... No! Bad boy! No trying to drag me to the entrance of the dungeon! Just for that, you're not getting any dinner tonight!"
The Wallmaster in question gave a pitiful 'whine' at this.
xxx
Back to the fight...
Malon was in a bad state. Her right arm and leg was broken and she was sure that some of her ribs were fractured as well. Her breathing came in slow ragged gasps as she tried not to collapse.
"Now do you understand just how outmatched you are?"
Malon merely spit out some blood and flipped him off.
"If that's the way you want it, fine. I'll just have to knock you unconscious before presenting you to my employer."
As the assassin slowly walked towards Malon to end the battle, Yuna suddenly rushed in and blocked his path. Seeing this, the assassin couldn't help but laugh.
"Really? You're so desperate that you need a cow to protect you? This is rich!"
"Get out of there! There's nothing you can do to stop him!" Malon shouted out.
Much to everyone's surprise, Yuna let out a smirk at Malon's warning.
"Nothing can stop him, huh? That's not entirely true. I know of something that can defeat this guy for good."
"Is that so? And just what would it be?"
"I'll show you right now. Hey, author! Dire emergency here! Can you delete this assassin guy with your almighty backspace key?"
…
"Hey! Are you even listening to me?"
The assassin let out another laugh at this.
"So, even you're precious author has abandoned you. How does it feel to be forsaken by your own creator?"
With a look of utmost frustration and despair still on her face, Yuna was knocked aside by the assassin. She landed in a heap some distance away.
"Yuna!"
In her rage, Malon tried to swing a punch at the assassin only to end up exactly like Yuna after a single kick to the face.
"Such feeble creatures. I've always wondered why they even bothered to see you Hylians as a threat."
Even after sustaining such severe injuries, Malon found the will to stand back up. With much effort, she formed a fist and slowly began to walk towards her enemy. The assassin merely shook his head and gave a sigh.
"What compels you to resist me so? Is it for honor? For some ill-conceived notion of justice? Or is it just that you're too stupid to know that you've lost?"
Malon raised her head and stared down the assassin long and hard before answering.
"I fight... because I choose to."
"Still with your lame movie quotes. Very well. Its time I finally finished up here."
The assassin walked forward until he was towering above his target. Malon swung out with her fist in a last feeble attempt to stop the assassin. As expected, he merely swerved to the side to avoid the punch and raised his own hand. Malon knew that all hope was now lost and grudgingly accepted her fate. She closed her eyes as she prepared for the assassin's final blow.
It never came.
Suddenly, a brightly colored rectangular shape slammed itself into the assassin, sending him flying across nearly half the desert. By now, Malon and Yuna were both vividly alert as a large... something came flying down towards them.
"No way. It can't be."
Malon and Yuna immediately recognized the creature as it landed down next to them.
"Mr. Pop-tart Cat? Er, I mean, Nyan Cat?"
Indeed. Their mysterious savior was none other than the mighty Nyan Cat himself.
"Moo! What in Din's name just happened?"
Ahem. Allow me to explain. For starters, I actually did get Yuna's call for help a few paragraphs back. Unfortunately, simply deleting the assassin was out of the question seeing as how the readers would've probably flamed me for creating such a lame ending to an otherwise epic fight.
"Epic? We just got our ass kicked for the last hour or so!"
Shut up Yuna! Anyways, I had to figure out a way to save you two without disappointing the readers as well. Luckily, I happened to run across Nyan Cat flying aimlessly along on YouTube. After I told him the situation, he agreed to come down and help the two of you out.
"So, deleting the assassin's a big no-no while sending an internet meme is perfectly fine? What the hell are you on?"
Caffeine.
"I should've seen that one coming. Anyways, how exactly is Nyan Cat going to help? He might have gotten lucky with his surprise headbutt attack but I honestly don't think he'd be a match for the assassin. The guy's on steroids or something."
You obviously don't know the true power of internet memes. Well, no matter. You'll be seeing them shortly enough. Here comes Mr. Assassin right now.
As previously stated, the assassin came running back looking pretty pissed.
"You dare to interrupt me at the moment of my victory? I'm going to turn you into a pile of pastry crumbs!"
"Nyan! Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan! Nyan!"
Malon looked on in confusion.
"What did he just say?"
"Moo! He's telling us to take cover! He's going to unleash his ultimate attack!"
"You understand Nyan talk?"
"I dabble. Anyways, duck and cover!"
As the assassin came running in, the giant pastry feline turned around so that its rear end was aimed at its proper target.
"Nyan nyan nyan!"
"Rainbow fart cannon?"
Suddenly, an enormous rainbow colored beam came shooting out of Nyan Cat's ass. Before the assassin could get out of the way, he was blasted with the full impact of the colorful laser. His form was lost in the bright flash of the attack as he let out a scream. Nyan Cat continued to shoot out its rainbow fart cannon for a full five minutes before finally stopping and letting out a contented 'Nyan'. The smoking form of the assassin landed some distance away, his body flopping down lifelessly. Yuna and Malon could only stare with open mouths at what had just happened.
"WHAT. THE. FUCK?"
Told ya. Contrary to popular belief, Saiyans are NOT the strongest beings in the universe. It's actually the internet memes who deserve that title.
Shaking her head to rid herself of the shock, Malon walked over to make sure that the assassin was really dead. She reached the smoldering body of the assassin and saw that his hood had been blown off during the attack. She could now see that the assassin was actually a young man with blonde hair and a nose that looked like it had been crushed with a frying pan. Malon kicked at the body to make sure that the assassin was really dead. After seeing that he didn't react, Malon turned around to thank Nyan Cat. However, he was nowhere to be found. All that remained was a trail of sparkling rainbows leading into the sky.
"Hmm. Pity we couldn't thank him. After all, he did pretty much just save our..."
In a total DragonBall Z moment, the previously thought dead assassin suddenly rose up and blasted a beam of energy at Malon from his hand. Without having any time at all to react, Malon was shot through the heart. With a surprised look still etched on her face, she keeled over and fell face-first onto the ground. Yuna could only look on in utter shock at Malon's now unmoving form.
"Farmer girl?"
The assassin pulled himself up with great effort. It was obvious that he was quite deranged at this point. His eyes were bulging and he frothed a bit at the mouth.
"Screw the business contracts! For your insolence, I shall destroy this entire world! Enjoy the afterlife because I'm about to send over everyone else on this world as well! Ha ha ha!"
Just then, something strange began to happen. A bright red glow began to emanate from Malon. Yuna noticed this right away and saw that the aura was very similar to the one that had surrounded Malon during the fight with Ruto. This time, however, the glow was much stronger and brighter. Then, right before Yuna's disbelieving eyes, Malon stood up. From the looks of things, the red glow was healing all of Malon's wounds at an incredible rate. Before anyone could even blink, Malon was fully healed and looked ready to kick some ass.
The assassin finally noticed that Malon was back up and took a step backwards in surprise.
"What? But I killed you just now! Plus, my attacks have the power to blow right through any pesky plot protections! Just what the hell is going on?"
With the red aura still surrounding her, Malon looked at her own hand and clenched it tightly into a fist. Regaining his composure, the assassin managed a sneer at Malon's action.
"Ha! You still have the nerve to fight me? What a laugh! I don't care how you were able to come back to life. I'm going to send you back to your death soon enough!"
Malon merely took on a combat pose in response. As she prepared to attack, her fists were suddenly enveloped by fierce red flames.
"What is this? More Naruto powers? I already told you, that doesn't work on..."
Before the assassin could finish his monologue, Malon's form disappeared in a blur. At near light speed, a flaming fist slammed itself into the assassin's chest. As soon as the fist made contact, a powerful explosion occurred. The unfortunate assassin was blasted across the desert floor for a couple of miles before skidding to a halt. As he tried to regain his balance, another punch sent him into the upper atmosphere. Once she followed him up, Malon began to zoom around, pummeling the assassin as if she was aiming to achieve a high score on a pinball machine. Every time one of Malon's punches or kicks sent him flying away, another blow soon followed which sent him flying back to where he originally was. After a full minute of this treatment, Malon finally allowed the assassin to drop back down onto solid ground.
Surprisingly, even after receiving such a beating, the assassin was still conscious. And apparently, he still had his giant ego with him.
"It's not possible! How is it that you're stronger than me? I am one who's powerful enough to be a part of the great organization! I shouldn't be losing to an insect like you!"
All he got in response was a knee-kick to his face. As soon as his feet touched the ground again, Malon grabbed him by his cloak, swung him over her shoulder, and smashed him straight into the ground. The resulting crash was so powerful that all the sand in that area was blown away, revealing the stony layer of ground underneath. As the sand cleared, one could now see the tattered form of the assassin as Malon glared at his body with merciless eyes.
Just then, the assassin jumped up and tried to slash at Malon with a blade that suddenly appeared out of one of his sleeves. However, she proved to be too fast for him in her current state. She merely swerved out of the way and then lept high above the assassin. Just like in Ch 1, Malon aimed her fist down at her target as she began to descend upon him. As if adding to this already fearful sight, Malon's red aura suddenly branched out, forming a pair of fiery wings about her. With her newly formed wings spread apart, Malon came down upon her target like some divine judgment from up above. As the assassin watched this awe-inspiring sight coming closer and closer to him, only one word was able to leave his mouth.
"Meep."
Then the fist impacted. Even from her distant viewing point, Yuna was temporarily blinded by the massive explosion. As soon as her vision returned, she saw a mushroom cloud forming over the epicenter of the attack.
"Moo! WTF just happened?"
After waiting a few minutes to make sure that all the debris had fallen, Yuna rushed off to see the results of the monstrous attack. What met her eyes was an incredible sight. The force of the punch was so powerful that it had actually left a permanent scar on the desert floor. A huge crater was forever etched upon the ground where Malon had used her ultimate move. Even to this day, one can see this crater if they walk to the south of the Desert Colossus area. (No, really. You can actually see this crater in the game if you go there.)
"Stop with the pointless narration! Where's farmer girl?"
Over there to the right.
"Yeah, thanks."
Yuna found Malon standing with her fiery wings still about her. As Yuna watched, the wings and the red aura slowly began to fade away. As soon as the aura was completely gone, Malon blinked as if waking up from a trance. She suddenly got a very confused look on her face as she examined the destruction around her.
"What... happened? The last thing I remember was getting shot at by that assassin. Oh, crap! The assassin! Where is he?"
Yuna walked up to Malon with a look of confusion on her face as well.
"You really don't remember anything?"
"Oh, there you are Yuna. Can you tell me what happened?"
"Nothing much, unless you count the fact that you COMPLETELY OBLITERATED THAT ASSASSIN! Seriously, where did you get all that power from?"
At Yuna's words, Malon suddenly seemed to understand what had just happened. She immediately put her head in her hands and began to mumble to herself.
"Oh, no. I must've shown "that" side of me without even realizing it. This isn't good. My mother told me specifically to never reveal that power. Oh, I'm in so much trouble now."
"Can you stop speaking in riddles and tell me what the fuck is going on?"
Malon didn't answer and continued to scold herself for making some stupid mistake. Figuring Malon wouldn't talk for a at least a while longer, Yuna decided to look for any remains of the assassin. After seeing him wake up from two near-death experiences, she didn't want to take any chances. As fate would have it, Yuna found him lying at the center of the crater.
"Moo! Are you stupid or something? If there was a body left, of course it would be at the center of the crater! Where else do you think it would end up?"
I don't know. Maybe a different dimension?
"Ugh. If you hadn't sent Nyan Cat to save us earlier, I would totally trample you right now."
Just check the body. I need to end this chapter soon.
"Fine."
Yuna walked over to the body and flipped it over so that his face was now facing the sky. He was so badly beaten up and bruised that it was hard to even make out his face. Much to her surprise, Yuna found that the assassin was still breathing. Just as she tried to step forward and trample him, he suddenly let out a small chuckle.
"Heh... So, it turns out... that the leader's... prediction... came true... The people of this universe... really do present... a threat... to his plan... after all..."
Yuna could tell that the assassin was dying for real this time. However, she was not about to let him simply pass on before she got some answers out of him.
"Who are you? And what are you talking about?"
The assassin suddenly took on an amused expression when he heard Yuna's voice.
"So... it was you... after all... I had my suspicions... when I... first heard you talk..."
"You know me?"
"Has it been so long... that you... don't recognize me anymore? Then again... I guess... no one can... recognize me... looking as I am right now..."
"Stop with all this mysteriousness. Give me a clear answer or I will trample you. Who are you?"
"You... already... know..."
Yuna knew that the assassin's time was rapidly coming to an end. In here desperation to get some answers out of him, she began to stomp on his stomach with one of her hooves.
"Give me a straight answer, dammit!"
Even with Yuna stomping on him, the assassin managed to give one final sinister smile as he uttered his last words.
"All... hail... S..."
With that, the assassin finally died, his spirit probably ending up in hell. Or a Twilight convention. Either way, he would never find peace in the afterlife.
"Damn. Let's hope I'll be able to get some answers from farmer girl at the least."
Yuna left the crater as a bunch of Guays began to fly down towards the assassin's dead body. Not wanting to watch the gruesome feast that was about to begin, Yuna quickened her pace. She found Malon sitting down and apparently waiting for Yuna.
"Is he dead?"
"Yep. Bastard wouldn't give away anything to the end. All he said were a few cryptic comments."
"Shame. Hey, Yuna. How far away do you think the Great Fairy is?"
"After everything that's happened, you're still worried about that right now?"
"No. It's just that I'm feeling really run down. I don't think I can even stand up right now."
"So you want the Great Fairy to restore your energy. Meh, sounds like a plan. Besides, I managed to locate her whereabouts during your fight with the assassin."
"Great! By the way, I've got a little favor I need to ask. Can you carry me to the fountain? Like I said before, I can barely move right now."
"Moo! Forget it!"
Three minutes later, Yuna was seen trudging through the desert with Malon riding on her back.
"Speak of this to anyone, and I'll force you to listen to that Friday song."
"My lips are sealed."
As Yuna continued walking along, the sun began to set behind the two of them. As the sky turned a deep orange shade, Malon suddenly spoke up.
"Umm, Yuna?"
"What now? I swear, if you're going to tell me to go faster, I'm going to..."
"No. It's not that. I just wanted to finish telling you what I wanted to say all the way back at the beginning of this chapter."
"You were saying something? Oh, yeah. Something about you not being normal. Pfft. After everything I've seen today, the only person that's stranger than you right now is Jack Sparrow."
"Well, I just want to warn you that you might find this information a bit surprising."
"I don't think anything's going to surprise me right now. Let me guess. Are you a cyborg sent from the future? No? Then is you're dad actually Chuck Norris? Nada? Maybe your mother was actually..."
"Din."
"Say what now?"
"You heard me. My mother... she was actually Din: the Goddess of Power."
xxx
?
"We don't want anything more to do with your schemes!"
"Then you too shall perish alongside your friends. It's such a pity that a person as powerful as you would dare to rebel against us. You would've been quite useful in my plan. Well, no matter. As you know, insubordination will not be tolerated in this organization. Farewell."
"Sir? Everyone's gathered."
The mysterious, spiky-haired figure shook himself from his thoughts as he stood up to begin the meeting.
"Greetings, my fellow companions. As you all know, I have called you here today to share some surprising news."
"Are we getting new chairs for this place? The ones we currently have are so stiff!"
"Er, no. Anyways, it seems that one of us has thought it real clever to jeopardize our plan for a little more attention."
A thin shadowy figure suddenly stood up and fell to his knees.
"Please, sir! I only meant to..."
"Shut up. Your foolish actions have alerted our enemies. They may not know exactly what we're up to, but now they'll have their guards up."
"Please! Have mercy!"
The spiky-haired leader merely waved his hand. Immediately, two of the council members appeared behind the thin figure and grabbed him by the arms. The two proceeded to drag their victim out of the room until his screams for mercy were silenced at the sound of a large door slamming shut.
"Well, that takes care of that. But what about the plan? Can we still go through with it?"
The leader waited a moment before answering.
"Yes. The plan must continue. Our scientists have calculated that the fourth wall is nearly destroyed. Once it completely shatters, we shall make our move. Then, the entire universe will be ours!"
Everyone in the room gave out a large cheer at this. Suddenly, a telephone began to ring in the background. With a sigh, the leader stood up to answer the call.
"Yes. Who is this? Oh, the pizza place! Why are you calling?"
Everyone leaned in close to hear what their leader was saying. However, it soon became apparent that they needn't have bothered.
"WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE ANYMORE ANCHOVIES? YOU KNOW WHAT? CANCEL MY ORDER! I'M NEVER ORDERING FROM YOUR PLACE AGAIN!"
The leader hung up the phone with such force that the receiver broke apart. Everyone remained silent as to not invoke the wrath of their leader. Unfortunately, one of the council members didn't quite catch onto the seriousness of the situation.
"How about we go to TGI Friday's instead?"
The leader immediately blew up the guy who said this with an energy beam. As the person's remains started to drop back down, the leader turned to face the rest of the terrified council.
"Pack up your stuff. We're going to TGI Friday's."
