Extra: Oh Shit! We're cancelled!
Fade up to the Manor kitchen. The P's and Teshik are sitting around the center island. They all look oddly somber and thoughtful. On the center island lies an issue of the Bay Mirror. The article on the first page is labelled: The Ausiello Report – Charmed Cancelled!
Phoebe: That's like...wow.
Paige: Totally.
Teshik: Yeah.
Bifi barges in.
Bifi: Hey guys! Guess what, I have a new lead in finding my sister, all I need to do is getting everyone in mortal peril! Isn't that nice? Guys?
Teshik: (absent) Err... drop down dead. Or something.
Bifi: What's wrong with you? (She spots the newspaper) What? We're cancelled? This can't be!
Piper: Bummer, huh?
Bifi: But this is my very first season here! How come it just has to end just now when I join the cast?
Teshik: Nah. Too easy. Waaaay too easy.
Phoebe: Well, the bigger question is, what're we going to do now? Will you still continuing to review episodes?
Teshik: If there's enough interest in it? I definitely want to finish reviewing the last episodes. From there, it's a fog wall, even for me.
Bifi: But...But it can't end! It mustn't! It just can't! Charmed is my life!
Paige: Well, duh, since we're fictional characters and all.
Phoebe: Besides, it's been eight years. And it sucked at the end, this is why Teshik started writing in the first place. Isn't it time to move on?
Bifi: But there's still sssso much stories to tell!
Piper: And that would be?
Bifi: Well...er...epic love stories! Wacky hijinks! Encounters with magical creatures! Vanquishing the ultimate Evil!
Paige: Bah. Been there, done that, got bored.
Phoebe: Hell, some of us have even been the ultimate Evil.
Teshik: Which reminds me, I still wanted to ask you about that human sacrifice ceremony at your coronation...
Phoebe: Errr...could we change topic? Like, really quick?
Piper: I knew it!
Bifi: Coronation?
Paige: Oh, Phoebe might have neglected to tell you she's been married to the Source Of All Evil and was carrying the Spawn Of Hell once.
Phoebe: Ach, Pshaw. Greatly overrated. And besides, that was over four years ago. I was still traumatized because of Prue, and did some stupid things.
Bifi: Prue? Who's Prue?
Piper: Oh god, that could take ages to explain.
Teshik: Don't worry, I came here prepared. (He take a remote control with an antenna out of his pocket) Given the batteries won't die out, we'll have enough flashbacks to last the entire episode.
Piper: You were too lazy to do something more creative for the situation, weren't you?
Teshik: Yes.
Bifi: Will you explain now who this Prue is or not?
Teshik: Patience, my little single-braincell-lifeform. Prue was part of the golden years, back before Paige showed up and the show's quality went to hell. (to Paige) not meant as an offense.
Paige: None taken.
Teshik: You see Retard, you have to take into account how things changed over the last eight years. Take for example, my very first encounter with the Original Halliwell Sisters.
He pushes a button on his remote. The BlurryVision™ activates and with the appropiate chiming sound effect, the picture takes us onto our first flashback.
---
(Background Music: Fatboy Slim – Praise You)
October 1998, Prescott Street. All is quiet, until a rectangular portal opens right before house number 1329, and spews out the Season 1 version of Teshik. through the rectangle we can see a typical teenager's room out of a TV's perspective, although it's too far away for us to make out any details.
Season 1 Teshik wears jeans, as present Teshik does, but his green sweater looks like he was dressed by his mommy. His hair indicates many tries (and failures) to comb it into middle parting, it could use a trimming, and his shoes date back towards a trend in the early nineties. It's probably a universal law that you look like hot buttered ass on toast as long as you're a teen. No wonder they're moody and a pain in the ass all the time. He looks way younger than today (read: no visible beard growth, brackets, and slowly regressing acne), and doesn't wear glasses yet. He stands up, looks around and...
The picture freezes.
Bifi: (offscreen) Wait a minute! Brackets? You were about eighteen back then!
Teshik: (offscreen) Shut up Retard, I'm narrating. I got the brackets out about six weeks later, finally.
Bifi: And those acne! You must have been really unpopular at school.
Teshik: I said, shut up.
Bifi: I bet you were a late bloomer. Probably the last guy with pube hairs or something.
Teshik: Okay, that does it.
The flashback resumes.
...a little blond girl zooms past him. It's Grade School Bifi, and boy, is she ugly. Horn rimmed glasses, Pippi Longstocking braids, spreckles, and a dress even an Amish girl wouldn't want to be caught dead in. Not to mention the crooked mouth and the maggot chin of course. She is running away from a bunch of sixth-grade bullies, who'll probably beat her up and stick her into a garbage container when they get her. Which will happen quite soon, since Grade School Bifi is already slowing down, the bullies advancing on her.
Bifi : Hey! That didn't really happen!
Teshik: It did now. And you will shut up, this instant, or I will write that they shaved your head that day.
Innyway, Teshik has gone up to the Manor front porch by now. He hesitates for quite a while – he seems quite shy – then rings the doorbell. When the door opens, he stands opposite to no one other than Season 1 Prue Halliwell – the one with the bob haircut.
Prue: Yeah? Whit do you wont?
You know the look deers or little furry animals have when they are looking into the headlights of a large truck heading for them? Well, furry lil' Teshik is staring directly into a pair of wonky, but deadly headlights right now.
Teshik: I...I...sorry...
Fortunately for him, Season 1 Phoebe appears behind her big sister. Her hair is a tad shorter than Prue's, and she's wearing a decent sweater in white, covering her up entirely. The first thing you notice when you look at her are her soft dark brown eyes, however.
Phoebe: Don't look at him like that Prue, or he'll probably burst into flames. Hi! I'm Phoebe! Who are you?
Teshik: I'm Teshik.Can I ...May I come in?
Phoebe: Sure you can!
The flashback freezes again.
Bifi: Okay, now you're setting me up. I call bullshit.
Teshik: Haven't I told you repeatedly to shut up?
Bifi: Oh, come on. No way this really happened. I mean, apart from you being all shy, Phoebe has at least twenty pounds more on her hips, and what's with the covering up? And besides, why are you chummy with Phoebe of all people? Shouldn't you ally with Piper?
Piper: No, my season 1 version and his together would be a bit ... much.
Bifi: And what exactly is that supposed to mean? And another one, you didn't have this screenname back then, so you should've answered with your real life name, right?
Teshik: I edited that for simplicity reasons. Bleeping /Teshik's reallife name he'll only tell people he likes and who ask politely/ over every mention of my name would get really old really fast. Plus, it's a bitch to type. Can we finally get on with it, please? I'd like to finish this text under the 10 pages mark this time.
Paige: You always want to do that. It never works.
Teshik: People? The point of a flashback is that the present folk isn't present.
Bifi: But it's much more fun that way!
Teshik: Fine. Fine! But you'll pay for that.
Bifi: What do you mean?
The flashback resumes.
Teshik enters, carefully avoiding Prue. Before the door closes, however, we hear a girl scream.
Grade School Bifi(offscreen): No! Not my Pippi Longstocking hair! Nooooo!
Phoebe: What was that?
Prue: Oh, just thit weird girl from a few blocks doin. I rilly hope hir perints lock her up in inn issylum soon. (closes the door)
Prue goes upstairs, Phoebe and Teshik proceed to the living room.
Phoebe: Don't mind her. I just moved back in, and she's a little pissed about that.
Teshik: Why?
Phoebe: She claims I have slept with her fiancée. But I'd never do such a thing. So, where're you from?
Teshik: Uh, that's a weird story. I was just watching television, when suddenly the TV sucked me in. Normally this only happens with sci-fi shows. Or Buffy. Or an especially good movie.
Phoebe: Well, I guess this is a good sign, then. (pauses) Hey, wanna see something cool? I found our old Ouija board!
She takes it and places it on the couch table. As soon as she places the pointer on the board, however, it starts to move on its own accord.
Teshik: How are you doing that?
Phoebe (scared) I ain't! Prue! Piper! come quick!
---
The BlurryVision™ takes us back into the kitchen.
Teshik: And that's where all the weirdness started.
Phoebe: Yeah. Good times, though.
Teshik: Yeah.
Paige: Okay, could you cut that out please? You're creeping me the fuck out with all this friendlyness towards one another.
Teshik: Oh, sorry. (to Phoebe) Self-centered slut.
Phoebe: Antisocial Freak. (to Paige) Better?
Paige: Much.
Bifi: Hello! People? I still don't know how this Prue person was!
Phoebe: Could you just let us wax nostalgic a little?
Paige: She does have a point, though. And I like to hear how Prue really was, too.
Piper: Allright. Teshik?
Teshik: Already whipping up the montage.
---
(Background Music : Meredith Brooks – Bitch)
Just assume I'm lurking in the background somewhere in the following shots.
-FLASH-
1x01: Random Drugstore. Prue and Phoebe are standing in the isle.
Prue: I have just found out thit I am a witch, thit my sisters are witches, and thit we have powers thit apparently will unleash all forms of evil -- evil thit is apparently going to come looking for us -- so excuse me, Phoebe, but I'm not exactly in a homeopathic mood right now!"
-FLASH-
1x02: Manor.
Piper: You sleaze! And you slept with him on your first date, no less.
Prue: Yes, I slept with him. Ind, for yer interest, I'm not ashamed of innything, either.
-FLASH-
3x03: P3. Prue and Phoebe, under fairy influence, are singing „if you're happy and you know it", the customers flee in disgust.
-FLASH-
2x11: Manor. Piper is futzing with an innocent baby of the week
Piper: Oh yeah, I remember what a great babysitter you were.
Prue (to Phoebe) See?
Piper: I mean, just think of all the times when Phoebe was a baby and you kept dropping her on the floor.
Phoebe: WHAT?
-FLASH-
3x06: Empath Prue rips off the Matrix, complete with the diving into the demon.
-FLASH-
1x16: Three Prue's with different colored jackets use their index fingers to lift a very ugly statue.
-FLASH-
2x02: Future Prue exits her limousine, walking up towards Future Piper.
Prue: Stay! Stay with the car, you lowly subjects of mine!
-FLASH-
2x09:
Phoebe: So, where's Prue?
Piper: She's impersonating the assassin to find out who this Bane guy is. Oh, by the way, she can astral project herself now.
Phoebe: God, I hate her.
-FLASH-
2x02: Future Prue makes an absent hand motion and inadvertently destroys the attic.
Piper: Been working out, huh?
-FLASH-
Montage within montage: Prue -zweens- and flings the bad guy/gal into the nearest wall or grandfather clock. She does this, oh, about 66 times.
-FLASH-
2x05: The Original Peas are ogling Greasy Dan, washing his car.
Piper: Oh, look at his figure.
Phoebe: Look at his muscles.
Male Prue: Look at his car.
The other P's stare at him.
-FLASH-
3x22: Prue kicks all kind of telekinetic ass to get her mortally wounded sister into the nearest hospital.
-FLASH-
3x22: Manor. Prue and Piper try to get the innocent to move.
Prue: Come on, Dr. Griffith, we really have to hurry...
She is interrupted by a whirlwind coalescing into Shax form. Prue prepares to unleash hell, but this time, it's /her/ turn to get flung into a wall. Piper follows.
Dr. Griffith: Wh...who are you?
Shax: The end.
He flings the innocent into a window.
-FLASH-
---
We return into the kitchen.
Piper: Oh, Prue. How do I miss you. (pause) Wait a minute. When did I get shot in the stomach by a stupid hippie?
Teshik: Time Loop.
Piper: Care to elaborate?
Teshik: No, since there's an episode missing between 3x22 and 4x01, I'm about as clueless as you are.
Bifi: I don't see what's the big deal with her. I mean, Paige is telekinetic, And I am too, Hell, I even have the same sound effect. So there isn't anything to miss now, is there?
The older P's and Teshik narrow their eyes at her.
Teshik: Oh, just think what Prue would have done to her clueless imbecile ass.
Phoebe: Yeah. She would have bitched her out...
Piper: ...then flung her into the nearest wall...
Teshik: ...vanquishing the grandfather clock with her sorry ass, no doubt...
Phoebe: ...and if she still would keep resisting mighty Prue...
Piper: ...then she'd TK her far, far into the sky, then let her fall...
Phoebe, Piper and Teshik together: ...directly into an industrial meat grinder.
They sigh simultaneously and cherish the thought for a moment.
Bifi: I hate you all.
Paige: Then, be glad that it's ending.
Bifi: No! I don't want it to end. I want it to get better!
Teshik: That's been my wish for three and a half years now, and look where it got me.
Bifi: But there are so many stories untold! I mean, we're witches! Imagine what could happen to all of us! What we could become!
Teshik: Bifi? Look at this montage and then tell me what we haven't been.
BlurryVision™ takes us into the second montage.
---
(Background Music: 2 Unlimited – Twilight Zone (but about anything else by that group works fine for montages like this, too)
-FLASH-
2x05: Attic. It makes poof. When the smoke lifts, Prue's a man.
-FLASH-
4x18: Paige's room, Teshik and Piper enter. Paige is hanging at her ceiling, upside down. She bares her fangs, transforms into a bat and flies out into the night.
-FLASH-
5x01: Phoebe emerges from the water, ripping of Arielle, the little Mermaid.
-FLASH-
3x21: Manor, staircase. Piper, Teshik and Phoebe are chasing a big white dog who escapes out of the house.
Piper: Prue! Come back here, bitch!
-FLASH-
4x21: Phoebe's eyes flip beetle-black and she disappears through the floor.
-FLASH-
7x22: The P's glamour Leo and themselves into their twenty-something disguises.
-FLASH-
5x19: Paige and Teshik are surrounded by evil wood nymphs. They throw some mojo, and Paige transforms into a skimpily dressed wood nymph, while Teshik morphs into a satyr. Of the goat feet variety. Both look down at themselves, then look at each other.
Paige and Teshik: Oh FUCK!
-FLASH-
1x15: Basement. Phoebe warily looks around, armed with a flashlight.
Phoebe: He...Hello?
The Woogyman possesses her.
-FLASH-
3x18: The Box of the Seven Deadly Bath Beads – er, Sins is opened by the Demon Of The Week. The original P's, Teshik and Leo are hit with the Bath Beads of Pride, Gluttony, Lust, Envy and Sloth, respectively.
-FLASH-
7x19: Phoebe wakes up in a cage to discover she is now in horridly disfigured Imara's body.
-FLASH-
4x05: Gammill puts two new clay figurines, of Piper and Teshik, next to the already standing figurines of Paige, Phoebe, and a random Innocent.
Teshik (mumbling): Just wanted you to know, Piper: If we get out of this one alive, I'm going to kill your little bastard of a half-sister for getting us into this.
Piper (mumbling): Not if I get to her first.
-FLASH-
3x02: Brooke and the Owl share a tender moment.
-FLASH-
5x10: Duncan McLeod transforms poor Paige into a mummy.
-FLASH-
4x12: Phoebe, in 50's attire and apparently missing a few screws, flares black-and-white.
-FLASH-
Didn't really happen: Attic. Man-hating Grams recites a spell to „fix" the Done One. Unfortunately, something goes wrong. Leo and Teshik goggle at their suddenly appearing gazongas, while the P's learn they're equipped with a whole new appendage. By the way, Grams wears a goatee now.
Gramps: Oops.
Teshikina: „Oops" doesn't even begin to cover that, lady. Mister. Oh hell.
-FLASH-
5x05: Miss Marvel-ous Hair, Phewbilee and The Bionic Paige are confronting the ÜberAss.
-FLASH-
7x20: Kitchen. Under the eyes of his father, Junior Dolt morphs into Mangy Jesus in a quite bad special effect.
-FLASH-
4x04: Phoebe and Paige accidentally switch bodies. Much to the dismay of Paige-in-Phoebe, because she gets a mouthful of Coles boot in her face for her troubles.
-FLASH-
5x04: The Percolating Infant switches Mommy's and Daddy's powers around and flings them around the room for good measure.
-FLASH-
6x15: Phoebe got screwed into being a jeannie. She checks herself out in a mirror.
Phoennie: That's bull! Why do I always get stuck with the wig job?
Teshik: Because you're the woman who has by far the ugliest hairdo around here?
-FLASH-
4x03: Piper receives passive-smoke and transforms into a scantily-clad Fury.
-FLASH-
Didn't happen at all: A UFO descends on 1329 Prescott Street, and abducts Phoebe. Before the others decide what to do (if anything at all), the UFO returns, lands in the backyard, and two Aliens step out. One has Phoebe attached to it.
Q'onos: Get it off me, get it off me!
Kang: We're really sorry, we didn't know you were such an...aggressive species.
Phoebe: You know you want me little alien! Baby Daddy, yeah!
-FLASH-
6x18: Chris flings out his arms to entangle the Manor Morons in quite icky webbing.
-FLASH-
8x08: Homeland Security Warehouse.
Bifi: (tries on the belt) Hey look! The belt fits!
And with this, Bifi Roll promptly morphs into SuperTard. It's a Nightmare In Plastic. No wonder Miss Cuoco cried when she saw that outfit. And that didn't even take hairdo and eye-shadow into consideration. Teshik reacts by pointing with his finger and dissolving into dirty laughter.
Phoebe: (fistpumping) Yes, yes, YES! I'm not the slut-possessed this episode! YES!
-FLASH-
7x04: Attic. Geriatric Paige gets helped onto Aunt Pearls sofa. She looks downright surreal in her slutty attire.
-FLASH-
4x07: Piper, in asylum wear, runs onto the middle of the street. She gets a windshield in her face for this stupidity.
-FLASH-
8x11: Bifi's parents, deciding they had enough of this garbage, morph into deadly assassins. With a capital „ass" in it.
-FLASH-
4x10: Manor kitchen.
Phoebe: Oh, Frankie!
Cole: Oh, Lulu!
Piper: „Lulu"? Sounds like a poodle.
Teshik: Yeah, pardon me, I have to go „Lulu" in the bathroom.
-FLASH-
7x06: The P's stare at the moon, transform into hellhounds and decide it's time for dinner. Much to the dismay of Teshik and the random whitelighter they hired as bait. Teshik, thinking fast, grabs the whitelighter, throws him between him and the Glamorous hellhounds, and decides it's time for his union break.
Random Whitelighter: Umm...Peace?
Pieces, more likely.
-FLASH-
6x11: Hippie Grams enters the kitchen, where Leo and Chris are trying to fend off the Blob.
Grams: You know what would really help in this situation?
Chris: Please, don't tell me.
Grams: Looooove!
Chris: Haaaaaate!
-FLASH-
4x19: The Cole Of All Evil and his Queen Phoebe are walking towards their coronation.
-FLASH-
5x21: Leo unleashes the amphora of Godly Powers unto the P's, who transform into the Goddess of War, the Goddess of Being Pissed Off and The Goddess of Sluts.
-FLASH-
6x13: A karma with unfinished business dives directly into Phoebe. Mata Whori decides her best way of revenge is behaving like a dirty slut. Of course she does.
-FLASH-
4x10: Leo, Paige and Teshik emerge from the interdimensional doorway. The Dolt remains the same, but Paige gets morphed into a teen version – complete with brackets and shitty outfit – and Teshik shrinks into Grade School Version.
Grade School Teshik: You giant doo-doo-head! (he kicks Leo on the shin)
-FLASH-
7x05: Death kills Piper because he's too lazy to make an extra shift.
-FLASH-
Didn't really happen either: Phoebe and Teshik are mucho surprised to find themselves as conjoint twins.
Paige: Hmm. I guess that means I might have screwed up the wording.
Piper: Gee, ya think?
Teshik: Let me have her! I'm going to kill the bastard this time!
He tries to advance on Paige to strangle her, but since Phoebe's half isn't working with him, they both spin ineffectually around their own axis.
-FLASH-
8x09: Piper descends the stairs in time to see Phoebe vanquishing a table with her ass. An unknown WWF reject seems to have stolen Bifi's outfit and advances on them.
Phoebe: No, no, no, Piper, no Hands! It's Bifi!
Teshik: Yes, yes, yes, Piper, Hands! Deploy Hands! It's Bifi!
-FLASH-
3x09: Coyote Piper is dancing on her bar. At least the male customers are delighted. Did I say delighted? I meant aroused.
-FLASH-
We return to the Manor, into the living room, for a change of scenery. Various photo albums are being looked at. Bifi stands at the side of one of the sofas, still fuming that everyone seems to give into fate so easily.
Bifi: Fine. There have been quite a few transformations. But that doesn't mean this has to be the end of the line! You'll see! I'll show ya! (She storms off)
What will Bifi do that will most certainly annoy the others? Will it raise any interests from the readers at all? Will Teshik forget about this non-tense non-cliffhanger and simply continue with Episode 8x09? Will Paige finally shave her stupid moustache? Tune in and find out!
