Chapter 9
Jillian puts away the groceries that need to go into the fridge seperating out the supplies that need to go into the pantry.. She has been on a large shopping trip today making sure she has everything to meet her guests' needs. It's the second time Nick is bringing Greg home for a visit and the first time the rest of the family get to meet him.
The first time he was here was 2 months ago.
Nick brought him home for a long weekend in October and she could finally get to know the man who has captured her boy's heart. She was happy to see him. She had met him before but never as her son's partner. It wasn't hard to see the love between the two men.
Bill said the same thing, that night when they went to bed.
"He is right for him," he said, and she smiled knowing that Nick had nothing to fear bringing Greg home.
He's beautiful and strong; Greg is.
She is praying that he is able to mend her baby's heart.
She hadn't been prepared for the phone call she received 9 months ago.
Nick had called her in the middle of the day when she was just about to leave the house to visit a friend. It was just a couple of days prior to her bi-weekly phone call and she didn't expect to hear from him at this point.
When she picked up he had barely been able to speak.
She had told him to calm down and had to ask him three times to tell her what was wrong. All kind of thoughts had run though her head; was he injured? Had something happened to Greg? Was Greg dead?
She had finally gotten the story out of him, that Natalie Montgomery was dead, that Melanie was in town and that his old wounds had been torn open.
Her friend could wait. They intended to drink tea and play a game of cards, and she would be furious when she didn't show. She would understand when she explained later though; her son was her only priority now, just as he should be.
That was 9 months ago, and there have been many phone calls since then.
Her twice monthly phone calls had been extended to once a day. Sometimes they were short and sometimes they could talk for an hour or even two. It was the short ones that worried her the most.
It took almost three weeks before he really started to open up to her.
It was a Tuesday morning he called her and started by saying he felt guilty.
"I felt so guilty," Nick barely whispers though the phone.
"Why?" Jillian asks clutching the handset. She is sitting in the easy chair by the window looking out on the field stretching out as far as her eyes can see. It's a wide landscape and it covers a lot of history.
In this ground, generations of Stokes are buried, and one day she and Bill will also be put to rest here. She can't think of a better place to spend eternity.
A mild wind is making the leaves in the oak tree dance, and rope from the old swing is moving with it. The ground is dry and thirsty and she's looking at the horizon hoping to see clouds bearing rain.
"I… I felt like I wished her away," his voice is shaking. "When she was pregnant… when we first found out, I didn't want the baby. For a while, I wanted her to have a miscarriage, so that there wouldn't be a child. The three first months I kept thinking that she could lose it and that I didn't have to go through with it. And then when Jenny died I thought that it was my punishment because I hadn't wanted her in the first place. But I loved her so much! Never think that I didn't love her!"
"Oh, baby," she comforts him, "I never knew." She didn't think her heart could break even more.
It was Melanie that finally put his heart at ease. She had come over the last time Nick and Greg was here, and she and Nick had sat in the kitchen talking.
"I never blamed you for anything," Melanie tells him over a cup of Jillian's coffee.
"You didn't? I thought… I thought that's why you couldn't look at me anymore." Nick was honestly surprised.
"What are you talking about?"
"You couldn't even have me in house anymore because you hated me so much. I didn't check on her that night. I slept through. I should have checked on her."
"I never hated you. I was mourning, so were you. And you couldn't listen to me grieving at the time. You couldn't deal with hearing her name, and I knew that I had to talk about her. That was my way of dealing. I know you needed help back then, but I couldn't give it to you. I couldn't be there for you, we were tearing each other up at the time, but I never hated you. Have you believed that all this time?"
"Yes."
"Nick. You are so wrong. I have loved you all this time. You are still my monkey. You're my best friend, but we couldn't go through it together, because we had exact opposite needs at the time. I knew you wouldn't leave without me pushing you away, so I urged you to leave. But it I never hated you."
She leans in to take his hand to emphasize that she indeed does not hate him.
"And what is this that it was your fault? It was never your fault!" She continues, still looking into his eyes, making sure that he listens to every word. "Of course you didn't want the baby."
"What?" is all he can manage to say.
"We weren't meant to be together and we both knew that."
"but,…"
"Yes, I knew that," she continues before he has time to protest, "I knew you liked boys. I never trapped you; I didn't become pregnant on purpose. I was worried when I did, because I knew we could never be happy together like a child's parents should be. But I knew we could do it, and I still think that we would have given Jenny a good childhood. But Nick, you don't have, and you have never had the power to wish a baby away. And besides, I didn't check on her that night either, have you ever blamed me for that?"
"No, no" Nick is shocked by even the idea of blaming her for that.
"So why do you blame yourself?"
"I was supposed to protect her," His answer is still the same.
"And you did. She died Nick, and there is nothing we could have done about it. With crib death the first symptom is death. You could have checked on her one minute prior and everything would have seemed fine, or one minute after and it would have been too late. There is nothing you could have done, so stop blaming yourself. I stopped blaming myself a long time ago, and I have never blamed you."
"oh…"
"Tell me one thing, Nick." Melanie takes both hands in hers.
"Okay," he nods.
"Tell me you don't feel like you need to ask me for forgiveness."
"Okay," He doesn't meet her eyes.
"Nick!"
"I… I don't feel I deserve to ask you that, and how did you know anyway?"
"Because I know you and because I felt the same thing for a long time. Nick, look at me! There is nothing to ask forgiveness for! We did the best we could. It wasn't perfect, but it was our best. It's time for you to move on!"
#
Jillian knows his heart has started healing and his guilt is starting to lessen. When he brought Greg home that weekend he asked to see Jenny's things.
She packed a box of Jenny's things for Nick when he moved out of Melanie's house, knowing he would never do it himself. She had hoped one day he would want to look at it, and now the time was here.
He had opened the box and Greg sat next to him the whole time holding his hand and carefully looking at the items; the teddy bear, the pink outfit and the album.
Greg had held him for an hour that night listening to his crying.
They had lain like this many times during the last months, and many times Nick finds it easier to voice his thoughts when he is resting his head on Greg's chest. His focus is less on the terrible day when she died, and more on the funny things she had done; every time she had made him laugh or smile.
The first thing he had picked up from the box was the baby album on top.
Nick had been so proud of her and taken a lot of pictures.
Everything had to be saved for the future; her first diaper change, her first time in a dress, her first, second and third everything.
He picked out a particularly beautiful picture and took it out of the album. It was a black and white where she locks eyes with her dad, lying safe in his arms. Nick is completely focused on her and pays no attention to the camera. The picture is so candid and real, and it is a beautiful moment frozen in time.
He gave the picture to Greg for safe keeping and he would later make copies so that he could bring one copy home to Vegas and leave one here in Texas.
The picture is finally up on her wall; it's now part of the gallery where she keeps pictures of all her offspring. One granddaughter has always been missing in that collection and she's glad to see Jenny's picture in its rightful spot.
It was Nick himself that put it up. He didn't say a word, he just went into his father's tool shed and picked up a hammer and nails and made a spot for it among all the pictures of his siblings, nieces and nephews. When he was finished it looked like a large weight was lifted from his shoulders.
He would stare at the picture many times that day, and one time when she stood next to him he said: "We are finally up on the wall, my daughter and I."
#
It took a few days before anyone else saw the picture.
Kirsten was the first. The gallery is placed in the hallway of the Stokes ranch house, and the very first thing you see when you enter the house. Kirsten didn't say a word, she just stared.
She didn't need to say a word though, they had said so many in the years that have passed.
It wasn't just Melanie and Nick that lost a baby that day. It was the entire family. She lost a granddaughter, Kirsten and her siblings had lost a niece and the children had lost a cousin.
They had all talked about it and cried together, everyone but Nick. They had all grieved, and they all had learned how to live with it.
Kirsten had sat down with the kids the same day, all nine of them, and she had to explain that little Jenny was no longer with them, that she was dead. Elisabeth, Michael's little five year old daughter, had asked why Jenny had grown old so fast. In her mind, only old people died. That's when Kirsten realized that Jenny had lived her full life. It wasn't a long life, but it was a full life.
Carol was the first to have a baby after Jenny died.
She was terrified for years that the same thing would happen to Matthew, and she would check on him every hour of the day. She could not relax.
To begin with, she could not put him in the crib they all had used; the family crib; the hundred year old family crib made for her grandfather.
Her husband Marcus convinced her otherwise though. It was hard at first, for everyone, to see the baby in the crib where Jenny had died, but it was important to keep the tradition. Not because of the furniture itself, but as a symbol that Jenny is one of a long line of Stokes, and her death hasn't changed that. Her death may have taken her away from them, but not her memory or her significance. She is still one of them.
center/center
It's Christmas day and a crowd is forming in front of the church. They are waiting to get in. The service will start in about 30 minutes and Nick has walked away from the masses and is standing in front of a marble stone. Greg is standing next to him.
Jenny Marie Stokes
09/19/1993 – 01/20/1994
The words carved into the stone are painful to read and Nick doesn't even try to stop his tears from falling. He kneels down and lays a single red rose on her grave.
"Merry Christmas, baby girl," he says, "I love you so much, I always will."
"Mom, who's that man?" a voice sound right behind him. Nick turns to see a four year old boy pointing at him.
"Remember I told you how Jenny doesn't have the same dad as you and Peter have?" Melanie kneels down to him so that their eyes are at the same level. A copy of the boy is standing next to them eying Greg who is making faces at him.
"Yes," the boy nods seriously with large movements.
"Well, that is Jenny's dad," Melanie continues and looks up at Nick as she says it.
"O-kay…" the boy says still looking at Nick. He walks over to him with determined steps, "do you know that she's my big sister?" he asks whistling on his s's.
"Yes," Nick answers solemnly.
"Do you know that she's an Angel now?"
"Yes."
"Do you know that she's watching over me?" he asks a third time.
"Yes," says Nick again smiling though his tears.
"If you're her dad, she probably watches over you too, so you don't have to cry," he says and takes Nick's hand. "But if you feel sad, you can borrow my teddy," he adds after thinking about it for a second, but he still cling the teddy close to his chest.
"Thank you," Nick says, "but I don't need your teddy. I'm not so sad anymore."
- The End -
