There's something about Sai


Entry Nine:

Today in the Hokage's office standing there waiting for Naruto to arrive to hear the news that Jiraiya had been killed I would have never guessed what I would witness.

Sorrow: grief, a feeling of deep sadness caused by a loss or misfortune.

I knew the definition of the word but had never really associated it with a physical state of being till this afternoon. I had seen people cry, break down and sob; loss of family and friends, tears run down their faces leaving tracks; I thought I was well versed in the art of sorrow, till this afternoon.

Never before had I seen such sorrow, his whole demeanor changed, this wasn't the Naruto I knew, the sunny boy full of fire to do something. When he came in the room and heard the news it was no longer Naruto, it was some monster, someone, something I had never seen.

This wasn't the Kyuubi mind you, that I would have understood -no this was something deeper -this was a change in Naruto, him as a person.

Who was this Jiraiya, this man whose death wreaked such havoc on someone like my friend? Someone so happy, sure and nice became someone who was angry, vengeful, hateful and full of an aching sadness. So much so that I didn't know if it was still the same boy I meet all those missions ago.

Would I ever get my friend back? Even Sakura-san seemed worried, wanting to comfort him but at a loss as to how. Almost more than anything this struck me the most. If Sakura-san was worried to that degree for Naruto, could he ever be recovered to his old self? Was there any recovery from a grief that big?

After Naruto and the others had left I still stood frozen, unable to move. What was this feeling I wondered, looking around I saw Sakura-san staring at me worry still swimming in her eyes.

Walking up to me she put her hand on my shoulder gently I realized in comfort, because I was worried. Softly her voice spoke to me telling me it would be 'alright' that everything would be alright, and yet as the feeling in my chest stopped squeezing so hard it didn't go away.

Everything seemed to be falling apart, the mission was a failure, we had lost Sasuke-san, Uchiha Itachi had been found dead, and the mysterious 'Tobi' had lost us somewhere along the path. Then we come back our wounds not yet scabbed to learn of the death of the Sanin and to see Naruto collapse.

What was happening to my world, where was the order, everything was chaos and I was losing all of the things I have just come to grow to need and want in my life. It is all slipping through my hands like water dripping down slowly as if to mock me with the failed chance. In ROOT all there was had been order, a schedule for everything nothing out of the ordinary had ever happened, missions that failed usually resulted in death, not just scabbed wounds, and there was never a moment for sorrow. Now in the last few days there has been no order, nothing has made any sense at all.

The question that keeps running through my mind is: how can people live like this?

The unpredictability, the complete lack of knowledge about what will happen in the next moment… It all seemed to leave me with the feeling of a vice on my chest squeezing and squeezing the breathe out of me as more and more disasters seemed to fall around my head and nothing made any sense at all.

Could I live like this? Should I? I have no order, I haven't felt like I could breathe right for days and yet… I have never felt more alive than I do now. The emotions that I am getting a crash course on are leaving me exhausted but I don't know if I can go back to not feeling them. Back to being dead…

Maybe the death of Jiraiya is just a birth for me; maybe I should learn to be like he was and to live this life like I enjoy every hair raising baited breath moment of it. Maybe, just maybe I will.


A/n: Hmm this is the first time in a long time that I've written... I hope it is still good. Sorry for the wait I just couldn't find an idea or it would rush through my memory only to be a whisp of an idea when it came time to write. Please do review and let me know if this is still any good.

Thanks for reading!

Love, Jenn.